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Homecoming Queen 

September 29, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


"We are the nation… of domination!"
      -- George Dubya Bush, 2005
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and ALREADY-SHARK-JUMPED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm bestselling author Canadian Bulldog, encouraging each and every one of you to check out the best publicity article ever! EVER!!!

We've got roughly ONE ZILLION things to 

get to this week, but first, a quick poll: 

Who should be a part of WWE Hardcore Homecoming™?
(A) "Eighth Wonder of the World" China
(B) My no-good brother-in-law
(C) Zak Gowan
(D) Visceria
(E) Yes

Be sure to visit the official Inside The Ropes website (official motto: "Virus-free since 11:03") to cast your official vote. And here's how all you morons jerks voted last time:

Who else should NWA T&A steal from WWE:
Triple HHH - 27 %
Linda MacMahon - 30 %
Ex-Pack - 18 %
Road Warrior Hog - 15 %
Yes - 9 %

And now, onto the news…

As mentioned earlier in my Witty Poll, World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Limited Incorporated Limited Limited is planning a "Hardcore Homecoming" in two weeks to celebrate its move from The WB Network to Cinemax.

Now, the truth is, I know exactly how the five-hour program will play out. How? Let's just say I am having "adult relations" (that means sex!!!) with a member of the WWWE Creative Team.

Who is it? I can't divulge my sources, but let's just say I got funky like a monkey on the muthaship, if you weeel. Here's EXACTLY how I went down… er, I mean, here's how it will go down

The show will start with WWE figurehead president Vince MacMahon congratulating himself for having such a great show and being so strong and sexy when - CRASH! - the glass shatters, signifying the entrance of… Kur Tangle (his music now has glass-shattering sounds in it)!

Tangle will start complaining that he deserves a title shot more than upstart rookie Eric Bischov! And so MacMahon will say "Okay, fine, quite frankly, all you have to do is join the Suck My Dick Club™!" And if Tangle knows what's good for him, he'll do it (let's face it -- you could do worse than "The Geriatric Jackhammer", for example, a certain "American Dream")! But just before things start getting controversial, Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen will run out and give the following speech:

"Look atcha! (WHAT?) Yer pathetic! (WHAT?) I said, yer pathetic! (WHAT?) Yer pathetic! (PLEASE STOP MISSPELLING "YOU'RE" - THAT'S WHY WE CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU!) Sorry, Bulldog doesn't have a spell-check on his computer. (WHAT?) I mean, his word processor. (WHAT?) I mean his typewriter. (WHAT?) His pencil (WHAT?) Okay, crayon. (MUCH BETTER!) And that's all I got tah say about that! (WE'RE WATCHING YOU!)"

And who comes to the ring next but current WWWE Champion Jon Ceno! But before he can say "The champ… is… here!", Austen tells him: "Stop rippin' off mah damn gimmick, son; that's so 1998!" And he gives Ceno a stunner! And instead of selling it, Ceno break-dances! And that brings out Rod Roddy Piper, who thinks that Ceno is ruining the business! And even though he's right, the only reason he's REALLY out there is to join Vince's club!

This brings out hardcore icon Mick Farley, who refuses to be part of such a spectacle unless he can plug his new book! I can't believe what lengths some people would go to just to shill for their lame products!

Then we get the arrival of Hollywood Hal Kogan, who says something like "Well, ya know, brother, brother brother brother, brother. Brother brother! Brrrrrother!" and he gets superkicked by Sean McMichaels, who says "That's for refusing to job at SuperSlam, you asshole!" Then they take off their cross necklaces and start dueling with them like swords! And that causes backstage agent/minister "Millionaire Man" Teddy Biassey to have a heart attack in the Gorilla position… and he falls right on top of the rotting corpse of Gorilla Manson!

Anyways… then all the Smack! Down wrestlers come out, led by District Manager T.D. Long who says "Holla holla holla holla holla, playa! Ya feel me?"! Which makes no sense! Then Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera and Deacon Bautista will pretend to be best friends, until Guerrera says "Yo, yo, yo, esse, I'm your poppy!" And Bautista will say "Yes, that makes perfect sense to me," but then he'll wink at the crowd to show them it's all just a work and that we're a bunch of stupid marks for watching this crap!

This will bring out ThEdge and his girlfriend The Returning Leeta, who taunt Mike Hardy because his dick is too small! This will bring out Mike's brother, T&A "superstar" Jeff Hardee who says "Dude, he's got you there." And then Mike says "Oh, yeah? Well at least I don't have to steal other people's catchphrases! Mike Hardy will not die!" And then he does!

Then while they clean up Matt off the mat, a bunch of Crappy Wrestlers like Jim E. Hart and The Hanky Panky Man and Nick Volkov and Sabba Simba and Out Back Jack come out so they can earn their $18.50 for the night! But then they start looking for Cocoa Beware, and he's nowhere to be found because he drowned along with his brand new house and pet bird during Hurricane Katrina. And then Hurricane Helmsley comes out and says "Wuzzupwidat?", tying new and old generations of jobbers together quite nicely!

Finally, Triple HHH makes his grand return, and gives them all a pedigree! And it will be the best 20-minute opening segment on Raw ever!


A Dudley By Any Other Name: The former Dudley Boyz have apparently trademarked the monikers The Deadly Brothers -- Brother Devon and Bubba Ray Deadly. No, I didn't make any of that up, but doesn't it all sound… Bulldog-esque?

I mean, I had YEARS to come up with something better than The Dudley Brotherz, and these guys pull something like that out of nowhere? Most impressive.

Speaking of NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass), they… oh, wait, I didn't mention them before, did I? Dammit! Anyways, their new "Sudden Impact" program is set to debut this weekend on Spike Dudley TV, which previously hosted some sort of wrestling show.

For those of you who have never heard of the company before (present company included), they feature such stars as Double Jeff Jarrod, Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash, "Franchise" Sean Douglas, Larry Zybsysko and a bunch of Interchangeable Cruiserweights. Wow, I can't believe a show like this has never made it to cable television before! Anyways, here's to a Thunderiffic debut!!!

Equal Opportunity Employers: World Wrestling Federtainment has agreed to amicably part ways with noted terrorist Mohachmed Hussein for Completely Undisclosed Reasons. They wish him all the best in his future endeavors, even though they don't really mean it. Now maybe he can back to his home country of Iraq and do what he does best -- terrorize!!!

Former five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WWE Girls Champion Tritch Stratus recently returned to the active roster. Is this a signal that Vince MacMahon is ready to take women's wrestling seriously again? BANK ON IT!!!

Ever since his big return two weeks ago, you've asked to see more of him. The ladies can't get enough of him, and the men (gay men, anyways) want to be just like him. Here's another installment of my trusty apprentice Johnny ITR in:

The Good Ol' J.(IT)R. Report

Johnny ITR sits on the old gum tree!
Merry, merry king of the bush is he!
Laugh, Johnny ITR! Laugh, Johnny ITR!
Gay your boss must be!

Hey, I didn’t write the song. We’ve got a lot to get to, but first I have to applaud the Oklahoma Sooners Forensics Team on a great debate this past weekend. Speaker points were rampant as the mountain of evidence weighed in OU’s favor. Fuck yeah!

The Matt Hardy/Edge match at Unforgiven was an incredible contest that shows that the WWE is committed to furthering the careers of both men. Look for Matt Hardy especially to take that momentum and do some great things in a “wife-swapper” feud with Diamond Dallas Page.

Tip of the day: you can’t lull Velociraptors to sleep with a lullaby.

Chris Masters just might be the best natural pound-for-pound athlete in the WWE. His Masterlock is, as the kids put it, “as def as an ear of corn, boyeee!” If he could only work on a body scissors or maybe a bearhug, I’d say he has a good chance of becoming the greatest WWE wrestler in the last 50 years!

Maybe it’s just me, but when the WWE moves to USA Network, I’m looking forward to the return of the post-show editions of “Farm Club.” Whatever happened to that Eminem guy, anyway?

Look for this week’s episode of RAW to be interrupted by the premiere of a new “Robin Hood” series. After the debut episode, the conclusion of the Hogan/Giant match from 1998 will air. Hogan wins.

I receive several pretend letters that talk about Shelton Benjamin being buried in those storylines. You know what I say to that? Shut the fuck up.

Thanks, Johnny! Finally, let's close things up with five brand new and highly-collectable ITR trading cards. Can you believe that we're up to fifty cards in the series already?

Well, folks, that about does it for another week. Be sure to send me any questions, comments or offers to buy my book via bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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