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October 13, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


"Hush Hush! Hush Hush!" 
    -- The Berserkerer, 1993
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and STILL BETTER THAN THAT SHIT NWA T&A PUTS OUT edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm former NWA T&A superstar Canadian Bulldog. We've got a ton to get to this week (mostly digs at NWA T&A), but first a quick poll:

Why did Eddie Guerrera befriend Deacon Bautista? 

(A) He needed the money.
(B) He thought Dave was just Chavo on steroids.
(C) You'd rather he befriend SHNITSKY?
(D) Not because he's going to turn on him later; no sir.
(E) Yes.

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: "We have only one member, and it STILL looks better than tnawrestling.com"). And here's how y'all voted last time:

Who should be a part of WWE Hardcore Homecoming?

Eighth Wonder of the World China - 0 %
My no-good brother-in-law - 12 %
Zak Gowan - 17 %
Visceria - 66 %
Yes - 2 %

And now, onto the news:

Total Nonstop Assholes: Okay, okay, I get it.

This past week, I received several negative e-mails about my collaborative effort with Raw Parody columnist Matt Horking, our special primer on NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass).

For those of you who missed it, the column can be found right here. Since then, I have been called every name in the book and thought I'd share a few of the e-mails here in a little segment I'd like to call T&A Q&A:

Q: You are a dumb son of a bitch. WWE MARK! You make me sick.

You love to insult TNA for being a start-up company and trying to compete, but what have you got? A lame ass self-published book no one wants and a part-time writing gig on a website for pro-wrestling. LOSER

A: Please say hello to Mrs. Jarrett and the kids for me.

P.S. Loved your old "Slapnuts" gimmick.

Q: Well i just wanted to say that whomever wrote this article and actually believed that it was funny, should actually read something that makes people laugh, specially wrestling fans. Besides the attempt at comedy, what i guess was supposed to be original ideas, seemed like something that a 15 year old kid would imagine to be smart, original and funny.

I guess articles like this one are what makes people in the wrestling business say that the online wrestling journalists are a bunch of kids. The thing is i´m not even a big fan of TNA, i´m just surprised that this site has columnists that write stuff like this. Wrestling should´t always be serious, but if articles like this one are supposed to lighten things up with some humour, i guess i prefer wrestling to Always be serious, because this type of work is just depressing. This doesn´t make me laugh or smile, it just makes me stop reading after a couple of lame comments, and an attempt at humour.

I didn´t analyse this as a wrestling fan, but as someone who likes comedy. Hope your work as wrestling columnists is superior to this, because as a comedy writers you wouldn´t win any awards.

By the way i´m not sending this e-mail with the intent to attack you in any way. I´m just someone who his concerned that with work like this one it may not be TNA that will end soon, but this site. And that would be a shame ;..( (sarcastic alert)

A: Thanks for the compliment!!! (sarcastic alert turned off).

Q: You and Matt Hocking have no rights knocking TNA. I hope Samoa Joe finds you in Canada and kicks your ass.

A: I have no problem with that. I just hope he waits until he SELLS OUT and comes crawling to WWE for a job. That way, an actual audience might watch him fight. Hahahahahahaha – MARK!!!

P.S. Who's this Samoa John you speak of?

Q: Fucking funny. The sad part is, I had a very rudimentary understanding of them from about two years ago... and so little has changed since then that i followed along with your column just fine.


Q: Hi, Canadian_Bulldog@hotmail.com,

We have been trying to reach you. Did you get my messages? I have a guaranteed  way to make you $1000.00 by next week. Don't let your time run out. If you don't make $1000.00 in the next 72 hours, I'll give you $200 out of my own pocket.

Click here now.

Pass this along to your friends, we can all use extra cash sometime.

A: I agree. They definitely need to push the X Division more.

Fired, fired, bah gawd, fired!!!: The rumors can now be confirmed (by my anonymous sources). Good Ol' JR Ewing has been FIRED by World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation! They are even planning on adding the following announcement to wwe.com any day now:

"World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Incorporated Limited has agreed to amicably part ways with Jim Roth. We wish the fat fuck the best in his future endeavors, which will probably consist of him talking about his beloved "Sooners" for hours on end."

Who will WWE replace him with? My sources say it's none other than Bill Goldenberg! And now every edition of Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw will sound exactly like this:

Jerry The King Lawyer: Look, here comes Chris Masterpiece! He's made out of granite, and his body is so hot all slathered in baby oil like that. I think I'm going to jerk off to him posing!
Coach Man
: Me too! Let's jerk off together.
: Masterpiece, your ass is next! If this ass doesn't watch his ass, then I'm gonna ass him up the ass until his ass can't ass in an assing contest. Ass!
Jerry The King Lawyer
: Woo hoo!

But let's not gloss over the big news this week -- the reason they fired Roth was to accommodate the heel turn of the gorgeous World Wrestling Federtainment Chief Financial Officer Lydia MacMahon. Look for Ms. MacMahon to grow a heel beard any week now! And her new music will be a heavy metal version of "Whoa-oh-oh, whoa-oh-oh, WrestelMania, fightin' to survive (just like that, just like that)"! And she'll beat Takajiri in her first match on Raw! And at the office, she's going to stop talking to her old friends, and start hanging out with heel employees like Harvey Wipplemeyer and The Brooklyn Basher! And it will be the best heel gimmick ever!


Could a former WWE main-eventer be on his way to NWA T&A? Not bloody likely!!!

What the HELL is Triple HHH's problem these days? One minute, he's "best buds" with one Nature Guy Ricky Flare… and then he turns on him? Who would have thought the so-called Criminal Assassin had that in him? Perhaps he should take a cue for Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera, who has vowed to work through his twin addictions to drugs and anger, rather than letting it get the better of him.

Former Minnesota Viking "The Next Best Thing" Brock Lesnor recently won the IGWGWP Champion in Tokyo, Korea, upsetting generic veteran Kauyuzuki Honda "Toyota Celica" Sayonara-San.

Now that he's a champion over in "The House of The Rising Sun", does this mean that Lesnor will never, ever come back to work for Vince MacMahon? BANK ON IT!!!

Recently, I had the chance to sit down and speak over the telephone with Smack! Down newcomer Kevin Kennedy. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript, which may not be reprinted on "newzboard" sites unless you e-mail Webmaster Rick Scherer repeatedly and beg him to do so.

CB: Is this Kevin Kennedy?
KK: Actually, this is, ah, former President John F. Kennedy.
KK: Now, you're probably wondering how I am still alive. Which is a, ah, fascinating story because…

KK: Ah, yes. We must use time as a tool, not as a crutch.
KK: Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind.
CB: Mankind? Have a nice day! BANG BANG! BANG BANG!
KK: My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.
KK: Patience is bitter but its fruit is sweet.
CB: Whoa whoa whoa… that was Aristotle who said that!
KK: Thank you for the, ah, compliment!!!
CB: You stupid phony. This interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up)

If there's anybody you're dying for me to interview… well, don't bother. Quite frankly, I'm not up to the challenge anymore.

Finally, here are some more of those collectable ITR trading cards that all the kids are talking about these days:


Folks, that about does it for this week. I'm actually on my way to Chicago this week, hopefully to see my beloved Red Sox in action (Will 2005 finally be their year? BANK ON IT!!!). The Windy Apple is also where tickets for WrestelMania XXXII go on sale this Saturday.

Will the Notorious D.O.G. come back from Chi-Town with all the latest scoops? Er, uh, you haven't been reading this column very long, have you? Remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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