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INSIDE THE ROPES    
The Greatest Stories Never Told 

October 20, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and OVERLY-PHOTOSHOPPED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm best-selling author and man-ho Canadian Bulldog and wow, have I got an awesome column for you this week!!! Well, not really, but I have to at least write enough to get past the ad on this page.
 
Not there yet?

Hmmm, let's see…

SHNITSKY,
SHNITSKY,
SHNITSKY,
SHNITSKY,
SHNITSKY,
SHNITSKY,
SHNITSKY,
SHNITSKY,
SHNITSKY,
SHNITSKY,
SHNITSKY,
SHNITSKY,
SHNITSKY!!!

 
There.

Now, if I were you to ask you what the most frequently reliable, unbiased and timely source of wrestling information out there is (sorry, Rick), you'd probably answer wwe.com. I'd have to agree with you; it's obviously the best news source ever!

EVER!!!

However, there are even times when Internet magnate Shane "O' Max" MacMahon can't publish certain stories because they make the company look bad! Or sometimes the company already looks bad, and the stories don't help!

So I've got what we in the business call a "scoop" - I've managed to procure ten of these never-before published stories that the company had originally planned to.

Oh… and you may notice that all of these were published under the WWE's current website template and logo. Well, that's because… um, you see… er… SHUT UP, BASTARD!!!

And now, onto the stories:
 


[CLICK HERE TO VIEW FULL SIZE]

November 10, 1997
BRET HART, WWF AGREE TO PART WAYS

The World Wrestling Federation and Bret "Hitman" Hart have amicably agreed to part ways. We wish him the best in his future endeavors.

"This is bullshit!" Hart said in an exclusive interview with wwf.com following his final appearance last night at the Survivor Series. "I mean, have you ever heard of anything like this happening? What the hell?"

We're not sure exactly what Hart is talking about. He may be referring to the incident in which Vince McMahon, whom we now acknowledge is the owner of the company and not just an announcer, by the way, called for the bell after Hart submitted to Shawn Michaels' patented sharpshooter hold.

"I did NOT submit!" Hart alleges. "You can clearly see that the bell rang and I never gave up. Fucking McMahon…"

Hart's whereabouts following his firing are unclear at this time.

"Aw, gimme a fucking break. I wasn't fired! And you guys know damn well where I'm going! I've a signed a multi-year contract with…" the former 5-time WWF champion said before uttering something unintelligible into the microphone.

Hart wishes the new WWF Champion, Shawn Michaels, the best of luck in the future.

"The hell I do! Fucking pussy," Hart screamed, though he was probably just joking. What a kidder, that Bret.
 


[CLICK HERE TO VIEW FULL SIZE]

February 4, 1989
MEGAPOWERS LOVE TRIANGLE!

What started off as a professional rivalry between current WWF World Champion "Macho Man" Randy Savage and former champion Hulk Hogan took an unexpected twist last night in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

"Terry Bollhea -- whom many of you fans known as Hulk Hogan, and Elizabeth Huellette, or 'Miss Elizabeth', have been having an affair behind my back," an emotionally distraught Macho Man wrote on his website after turning on The Hulkster last night. "Hulk Hogan is feces. As upset as I am with Elizabeth right now, I still care about her and would hate to see her destroy her life. The feces' track record speaks for itself. Ooooooh yeah!"

For the record, Hogan has denied "lusting after Elizabeth."

"I don't know what the dude's talking about, brother," Hogan said in an exclusive interview with wwf.com, which doesn't, technically, exist yet. "Randy needs to get his head straight, brother. Miss Elizabeth and I are just friends, brother. There's nothing else going on there, brother. He just needs to get focused on the task at hand, and that's destroying Akeem and Bossman, brother. Brother brother brother brother brother, Brrrrother!"

Hacksaw Jim Duggan, who considers himself a good friend to both men, said Hogan is catching heat from the boys in the back as allegations over his affair persist.

"Hoooooooooooooooooooo!" Duggan said.

WWF.com will keep you updated on the latest developments in this intriguing situation.
 


[CLICK HERE TO VIEW FULL SIZE]

March 25, 1993
JIM ROSS SIGNS WITH WWF

Jim Ross, a veteran announcer for the WCW and UWF territories, has signed an agreement with the World Wrestling Federation, in which he agrees to be humiliated for the next 10 to 15 years.

"Just like it's every wrestler's dream to make it to the big time, every announcer strives to come to the World Wrestling Federation and be embarrassed over and over again," Ross said in an exclusive interview with wwf.com.

According to Superstars of Wrestling announcer Vince McMahon, Ross will debut with the company at WrestleMania IX, wearing nothing put a toga and sandals.

"I suppose I just like to find innovative ways to humiliate my talent," McMahon said. "Dressing Jim up in funny clothes will only be the beginning… hey, that gives me an idea! Anybody seen Blackjack Mulligan's old black cowboy hat lying around here?"

Ross's contract will make him susceptible to wrestler abuse, numerous parodies, "ribs" on the road, harsh criticism, and public firings by his employers, among other things.

"This just comes with the territory," an enthusiastic Ross said, obviously reading from a prepared statement. "I love my job, and will strive to deliver the best possible commentary to fans each and every week, or my name isn't Good Ol' JR."

"Wait, 'JR'? Bah gawd, who the hell said anything about calling me that?"
 


[CLICK HERE TO VIEW FULL SIZE]

April 28, 1998
D-X Saves WWF From WCW

D-Generation X single-handedly saved the World Wrestling Federation last night from losing the Monday Night Wars to perennial rival WCW by using hilarious, over-the-top antics.

The invasion of WCW consisted of the rogue group driving a tank up to the Norfolk, Virginia arena where WCW was staging its "Monday Nitro" television program, and trying to get into the building.

"We showed them!" multi-time tag team champion and Cory Harris fantasy Billy Gunn told wwf.com after D-X "invaded" WCW's show yesterday. "They wanted a war? Well, it's ALL OVER now."

WCW's fortunes have plunged dramatically since, well, uh, yesterday and the company has refused to comment on the matter.


"That's not true. I…" WCW Vice-President Eric Bischoff said during a frantic call to wwf.com headquarters. He was probably about to admit that his product sucks.

Evil WWF owner Vince McMahon confirmed that the "edgy, in-your-face" tactics of D-X are alone responsible for making the company turn the corner.

"Quite frankly, everyone would like to believe that the reason we're on top again is because of that no-good (growling) Stone Cold Steve Austin," said McMahon. "But, that's just not true, dammit! It's all D-X's doing! Also the Stooges."
 


[CLICK HERE TO VIEW FULL SIZE]

March 15, 2005
Benoit Wins WWE Title At WrestleMania; 
HHH Taps Out Cleanly

What the hell?

In what can only be described as the biggest "holy shit" moment in sports entertainment this side of the Montreal screwjob, World Champion Triple H tapped out cleanly to Chris Benoit's "Crippler Crossface" to lose the championship -- in the main event of WrestleMania XX, no less!

"I could understand if it had happened at a house show or something," Eugene, who has yet to debut with the company and is scheduled to play a retard, said in an exclusive interview with wwe.com. "But to close out a WrestleMania? What the hell is up with THAT?"

At the post-event press conference, main-event opponents Shawn Michaels and Triple H conceded that tonight, Benoit just happened to be the better man.

"He's the man," Triple H admitted. "Sure, Benoit's not going to keep the belt for, like, a year or anything, but right now, he deserved to have the torch passed to him. Pure and simple."

"Chris Benoit is for real!" Michaels said.

"… the fuck?" is all Benoit could come up with.

Rumors persist that during tonight's taping of Monday Night Raw, The Cerebral Assassin will claim that the WrestleMania match was nothing but a dream, and will have Raw General Manager Eric Bischoff state that Benoit has to give the belt back as he "can't the win Triple H's title in a dream."
 


[CLICK HERE TO VIEW FULL SIZE]

July 22, 2005
Michaels, Diesel Wielding Backstage Power?

In World Wrestling Federation programming, they're two of the top superstars the company has ever seen. Backstage, they appear to be much bigger than that.

Shawn Michaels and Diesel claim to have influence over virtually every decision the company makes, from whom will get a championship belt to what the caterers serve for lunch.

"It's amazing," said longtime jobber Barry Horowitz in an exclusive interview with wwf.com. "One day, Kevin Nash (Diesel's real name) came up to me and said he thought my shtick was funny. The very next week, I got a win over Bodydonna Skip!"

Michaels and Diesel have formed what is known backstage as The Kliq, along with Razor Ramon (Scott Hall), 123 Kid (Sean Waltman) and Hunter Hearst Helmsley (Paul Levesque). However, it's unlikely that the latter three will have the same influence Diesel and Michaels enjoy.

Bam Bam Bigelow, an acknowledged backstage enemy of The Kliq, claims that the group sometimes uses hypnotism and cult-like powers of persuasion to convince others of their power. However, we here at wwf.com just think that Bam Bam is a fat piece of shit who should just shut his damn mouth if he knows what's good for him.

Vince McMahon, who may or may not have backstage stroke, would only say the following when asked to comment:

"Kliq… good. Shawn… good. Diesel… good. Razor… good. Kid… good. Hunter… future son-in-law."

Vince should also shut his mouth if he knows what's good for him.
 


[CLICK HERE TO VIEW FULL SIZE]

April 15, 2002
The Rock Stars in The Scorpion King

WWE.com recently caught up The Rock at the premiere of "The Scorpion King". What follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:

WWE.com: Rock, how does it feel to be in your first starring role?

The Rock: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA! What in the blue hell did you just call me?

WWE.com: Uh… Rock…?

The Rock: The name is DWAYNE! Aw, man, I thought this was a real interview. (To agent) Who let these Internet jabronis in?

WWE.com: Shane got us a press pass.

The Rock: Fine, ask your damn questions, but the SECOND Access Hollywood shows up, you nerds are SO out of here.

WWE.com: You probably can't wait to get back into a WWE ring, can you?

The Rock: Hahahahaha - oh, wait, you're serious? Let me put this in "kayfabe" so that the geeks reading your website can analyze this to death: The Rock says that once that movie career takes off, The Rock will never -- AND THE ROCK MEANS NEVER -- wrestle again.

WWE.com: Sorry, Rock, but that has "angle alert" written all over it. You're telling people you'll never wrestle again, and then you'll be back in time for Survivor Series.

The Rock: Well, I wouldn't exactly bank on that.

WWE.com: Don't you mean "BANK ON IT!!!"?

The Rock: If ya smellllllalalalalalalalow… what The Rock… is cookin'.
 


[CLICK HERE TO VIEW FULL SIZE]

February 13, 1986
Hogan-Piper Rematch

A rematch between wrestling's two biggest stars will take place THIS WEEKEND in living rooms across the country!

Not in a wrestling ring, however. Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Roddy Piper will duke it out at a rodeo during a "special" episode of Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling.

In the episode, entitled "Rasslin' Rodeo", Piper and his henchmen Mr. Fuji, Nikolai Volkoff and Big John Studd, will attempt to rig the steer-riding competition so that Hogan loses. However, The Hulkster will be alerted by the wrongdoings by children Amy and Chris, saving the day.

"You two kids are the real heroes," Hogan will say, in a voice that sounds more like the "Everybody Loves Raymond" guy than his own.

Also on the action-packed episode, look for Andre The Giant to sit on a horse and Captain Lou Albano to eat Texas-sized sandwiches discreetly in the background.
 


[CLICK HERE TO VIEW FULL SIZE]

August 23, 2001
Okay, Okay, We Admit It…

We've royally fucked up the InVasion angle. Happy?

Yes, it takes a special kind of fuck-up to ruin what every fan has clamored to see for the past 10 years: a legitimate battle between WWF and WCW stars. However, we've pulled it off.

While it's true that you fans asked for a separate television show for WCW, we figured that, because their show did so poorly in the ratings against ours in the past, you wouldn't actually watch it. And don't get us started on that "ECW on TNN" fiasco.

You fans expected "dream" matches like Bill Goldberg vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin, Sting vs. Triple H and Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair. We gave you Shane McMahon vs. Test, Chris Jericho vs. Hugh Morrus and Kane vs. Lance Storm instead.

Sorry 'bout that.

As a result, we here at the World Wrestling Federation intend to kill off the InVasion angle for good later this year. We wish it the best in future endeavors.
 


[CLICK HERE TO VIEW FULL SIZE]

April 15, 2005
Chris Masters Gets Push

"The Masterpiece" Chris Masters has been getting a push of Mohammad Hassan-like proportions in recent weeks, which is a sign that WWE is officially out of ideas now.

Masters' gimmick, part "Narcissist" Lex Luger and part Hercules Hernandez, is certainly nothing new. Add this to the fact that the kid doesn't have talent or charisma to speak of, and it's pretty obvious the creative team is just phoning it in, according to expert insiders.

"In the next Wrestling Observer Newsletter, we'll explain why pushing Chris Masters is a terrible idea," claims Dave Meltzer, an expert who obviously knows better than we do about such things. "We'll also compare his push with that of other undeserving wrestlers this decade, in the 90's, the 80's and the 70's. We'll also point out what kind of impact's Masters push will have for Raw, SmackDown, TNA, ROH, Japan and the mixed-martial arts world. We'll also…"

Meltzer isn't alone… well, on this issue at least. Prominent wrestling insiders including Wade Keller, The Scherer Brothers (Dave and Rick), Scott Keith, Mark Madden, Chris Hyatte and Canadian Bulldog, among others, have long argued that Masters' elevation should be abandoned in favor of Paul London for some reason.

"Thanks but no thanks," London told wwe.com in an exclusive interview. "I don't really want the pressures of being put in front of a creative team that doesn't know what to do with me. I mean, they'd probably give me a combination of Jamie Noble and Typhoon's gimmicks or something."

The Masters push is "exactly what's wrong with WWE today," said wwe.com columnist Dr. Tom Pritchard, whom, if he wasn't fired already, is now.

That said, sticking with time-tested things like characters and catchphrases is what makes this business so interesting, so in conclusion:

SHNITSKY, SHNITSKY, SHNITSKY, SHNITSKY, SHNITSKY, SHNITSKY, SHNITSKY, SHNITSKY!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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