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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Insert Laugh Track Here 

October 27, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and DIGITALLY MANIPULATED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog.
  
My ~OMG BIG SCOOP!!! of the week comes from a recent visit to WWE Corporate Headquarters (we have some lawsuit "things" to work out). On my way in to talk with Vinnie Mac, I noticed a folder lying around that detailed the NEWEST DIVISION of World Wrestling Entertainment! In front of me were promotional posters! Sample scripts! A 

video trailer! Coffee (it was the break room)! The whole shebang!!!

But I was conflicted. As a professional jornalist jurnalist journalism writer, I feel it's my duty to uncover all the big news. Yet, I wasn't wearing my writers hat during this visit (a blue "Nike" cap) so I felt that I was obtaining this information under false pretenses. Not to mention, the last thing I need is MORE attention from WWE's legal division. So my options were pretty limited.

So here are the plans (as well as script excerpts) from the new "WWE Sitcoms" division, in which they've re-cast wrestling stars into traditional situation comedies! Look for all of these shows to become mid-season replacements for Fox when they ditch Arrested Development! And then WWE will run out of wrestlers to use so they'll have to sell out to ROH and TNA! And then they'll rightly claim their thrones as the twin kings of wrestling and it will be the most exciting change to the business ever!

EVER!!!

So, uh, yeah, here they are. Enjoy:


(Scene begins with Linda rushing around to set the dining room table).

Linda: Kids! Kids! Your father's gonna be home soon. Come on down for dinner!

Shane: (Skips down stairs to "Here Comes The Money", kisses Linda): What's up, ma? Hey, how come we have to be all ready for pops? We're all adults here -- can't we eat dinner when WE'RE good and ready?

Linda: Oh no, Shane! We hafta wait for Vinc-ey. He's gonna be in a bad mood on account 'a the buyrates just came in for No Mercy…

(Vince struts in the door to "No Chance In Hell", hangs his suit jacket in the closet.)

Linda: Hi, Vinc-ey. How was your day, dear?

Vince: Ehhh… just get me a nice, cold Y J Stinger, okay? (Sits down on easy chair).

Shane: Hey, pops: ma's been working around the clock to get your dinner ready. The least you can do is answer her question.

Vince: See here, you! I had me a rough day today, and quite frankly, I don't need you to be a butt-inski.

(Audience: "Ass-hole! Ass-hole!")

Linda: That's okay, Vinc-ey. Here's your drink. I gots some meatloaf cookin' in the kitchen, it should be ready any minute now.

Stephanie: (Comes down stairs to "I'm All Grown Up") Hi, daddy (gives him a kiss).

Vince: Hey, baby girl (kisses back). Now… do ya mind? Daddy's tryin' to watch the rasslin' matches on TV.

Shane: Pops, look, we're trying to reason with you, but if you don't tone things down I'm… I'm… I'm just gonna have ta -- BOO-YA!

Vince: Settle down there, meathead. I just wanna relax, alright? I had me a hard day. First, all them network types is complainin' because I had that there Ay-rab character all terrorizin' people, and then I found out I gotta....

(Phone rings; Linda answers)

Linda: Vinc-ey! It's Jimmie Ross on the telephone for ya.

Vince: Ehhh, this is just great. (On phone) Jimmie? How ya doin'? Look, you know I ain't not never always been straight wit' ya, right? Well, except for that… Yeah, well here's the thing: the network, they want someone with a different look for Raw, so I had to hire the Jew for your job. Yeah… yeah… look, I'm sorry too, it's just that, well, YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!!! (Hangs up).

Linda: Aw, that's a shame youse had to fire that Jimmie Ross. Such a nice man. Now, sit down or your meatloaf will get cold.

Vince: Ehhh…

Shane: Why'd you have to go and do that, pops? Ross has a family, and he has to…

Vince: Look here, dammit! I run this here company and if you don't like it, then YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRRRRED!!!

Stephanie: (Crying) Daddy, you can't fire Shane, you just…

Vince: Is that right? Okay, little girl, then YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRED too!

Linda: Vinc-ey! Think of the family…

Vince: Think of the family, ya say? Okay, Linda, then guess what, dear? YOU'RE F…

(Linda kicks him in the groin; crowd applauds; scene fades to commercial.)

(Bulldog's Note: If you liked this script, then be sure to check out the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED video trailer for this show at the end of the column. It may take a minute to load, but trust me, it's well worth it. And if you didn't like this script, well… SHUT UP, BASTARD!!!)


(Scene opens with Adam "Edge" Copeland delivering his monologue at a comedy club.)

Copeland: Why is it… I have a "Money In The Bank" title shot, and yet I never use it? (Laughter from crowd). "I can challenge for the championship, yet I choose not to." (Laughter). And what's the deal with stealing other people's catchphrases?

(Scene moves to Adam's apartment; Copeland and Christian are sitting at coffee table.)

Christian: I'm telling you: Moving to SmackDown is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm bustin' out, Adam; bustin'.

Copeland: (Sarcastically) Oh, yeah. That'll work out for you.

(Wacky next-door neighbor Snitsky stumbles in the front door as the audience applauds.)

Christian: Snitsky!

Snitsky: Gentlemen…

Copeland: Hey, Snitsky, have you heard that there's this whole wave of shoes being swiped in the building?

Snitsky: That wasn't… my… FAULT!!!

Copeland: Yeah, okay.

Snitsky: Hey, I just wanna borrow some food from your fridge. Hardy and I are going camping this weekend.

Copeland: Aw, why can't you two just get your own…

(Hardy appears in doorway; glares at Copeland.)

Hardy: Hello… Adam.

Copeland: Hello… Hardy.

Hardy: So, Adam, how is the lovely Lita doing today?

Copeland: Well, if you must know, she's coming over shortly and we're going to have sex for like ten hours and then…

Hardy: That's enough! Snitsky, shall we?

Snitsky: (Grabbing a carton of milk) Be right with ya, buddy.

Hardy: Ta-ta, Adam (leaves)

Copeland: (Shakes fist) Hardy!

Christian: So, uh, how is this thing going to work with Lita? How are going to sleep with her if you're planning on turning on her later?

Copeland: It can be done…

Christian: No way. The sex-to-heel-turn-switch can not be done. It is mathematically impossible, my friend!

(Buzzer buzzes, Adam goes to answer it).

Lita: It's Lita.

Copeland: Come on up.

Christian: I'm telling ya - it can't be done, Adam.

Copeland: Oh, I'll do it alright - BANK ON IT!!!™

Lita: (Opens door) Hey.

Copeland: Hey. Guess what I got for us next Friday? Two tickets to invade SmackDown!

Lita: Get - OUT! (Pushes Adam; falls backward in the process; breaks own neck.)


(Scene begins with Conway entering the apartment and taking a huge pratfall over the couch.)

Conway: Look at me… Hey, what's wrong, Candace?

Candace: It's our rent, Rob; it's overdue, and Mr. Bischoff has had it up to here with us being late.

Torrie: Yeah.

Conway: Girls, girls, don't worry; I've a great new job cooking for WWE legends. As long as my assistant Felipé - er… I mean Kerwin - doesn't screw up, we'll be in the money pretty quickly.

(Sleazy neighbor Val Venis knocks and enters the room.)

Val: Hellllllllo, ladies! Hey, Rob; wanna go down to the William Regal Beagle and cruise for chicks?

Conway: Uh… no thanks. Bischoff might see me down there…

Val: Oh, that's right, and it wouldn't look good because you're pretending to be gay.

Conway: Pretending?


(Scene begins with the four ladies eating IcoPro-fortified cheesecake in the kitchen.)

Sable: Girls, this is just horrible. I can't believe we can't get jobs working for WWE anymore, just because we're slightly older than the rest of those so-called Divas.

Mae: Who the hell's saying that? I think I'm gonna show my puppies again… Puppies! Puppies!

Moolah: Mae, put those back in. That reminds me of the one time back in South Carolina when…

Sable: Moolah, we don't need to your ridiculous stories! Ma, what do you think of all this?

Terri: Picture it, Tampa, 1996. I was managing Goldust at the time when Vince McMahon threw himself at all of us.

Sable: Ma, that didn't really happen and you know it!

Terri: How would you know? Were you around back then?

Sable: Uh… yeah, I was.

(Doorbell rings. Mae goes to answer door.)

Mae: It's your ex-husband Gene. Can I show him my puppies?

Sable: What the hell do you want, Gene?

Gene: Folks, there's a lot of interesting things going on, but I can't talk about them here. Call me on the hotline! 1-900-909-9900…

(Scene fades to black.)


(Scene begins with JBL in the radio announcer's both.)

JBL: All right, SmackDownatti, it's time for this town to get down! This is Dr. Johnny Bradshaw… uh, Layfield, rocking at ya alllll night. We're gonna get Orlando Flytrap in here a bit later on, but right now, here's some obscure 70's stoner music…

(Puts record on, turns volume all the way down. Station manager Teddy Long enters the room.)

Teddy: Holla, holla! I gotta talk to ya about a bit of a problem here, playa.

JBL: A problem?

Teddy: Yeah, it's our newsguy Palmer. He says you keep interrupting his news bulletins. Buh'lee dat.

JBL: That wimp's just paranoid. He doesn't even have a real office, for pete's sake. How can you take anyone seriously when they pretend to have an office?

Teddy: (Cough) APA (Cough). Look, playa. Palmer has the network's ear, so we just can't have that happening anymore, ya feel me?

JBL: I feel you. Hey, I just thought of something: how can this station only have, like, half-a-dozen employees? I mean, who's on the air when all of us are over at Jillian's Christmas party or something?

Teddy: Who cares, playa? This is SmackDown. No one's watching anyways…

(Linda McMahon walks in, kicks Teddy in groin. Scene fades to black.)


(Scene begins with Triple H on the set of his show. No, not Raw.)

Trish: And now, the hosts of "Game Time", Triple H The Tool Man and Ric Flair!

HHH: Huh? I'm the only host around here! Isn't that right, Ric?

Ric: That's right, Champ. Woooo!

HHH: Damn right. Today on "Game Time", we're going to be building an authentic, fully-functioning monument to yours truly, the greatest wrestler to grace this business.

Ric: That's why they call you Champ! Wooooo!

HHH: Shut up, Ric. Anyways, we're gonna need the Binford Deluxe Sledgehammer for this job.

Ric: Now wait a second, Champ. I think using something that might be a bit more powerful than we need for this job.

HHH: Don't worry about that. Now let's just… (HHH holds the sledgehammer over his head, but before he can strike anything, there's a sound of glass shattering. Both heels look around, panicked.)

Austin: It's me, ya silly jackass, your next door neighbor. Don't ya recognize me?

HHH: No, because you're not covering half your face behind a fence! Now Austin, get the hell outta here before I destroy you.

Austin: WHAT?

Ric: Wooo! The Champ said he's going to destroy…

Austin: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

HHH: Okay, ENOUGH! Now, I don't know why you're here on my show today, but…

Austin: Hey, don't get all crabby on me, son. I'm jus' here to (hic) dispense some neighborly advice to ya.

HHH: Dammit, Austin. You're so drunk you can't even stand straight.

Austin: Thanks for the compliment™!!! Now, if anyone here wants to see me give a stunner to The Tool Man, gimme a "Hell Yeah!"

(Audience: Hell Yeah!)

HHH: Help me out here, Ric…

Ric: (Starts stripping, blading.) Wooo! Hunter! You don't own me! Wooo! I - wooo - am my own man! Wooo! Fire me? I'm already fired! Fire me? I'm already fired? Wooo! (Leaves)

Austin: Whaddya gonna do now, Tool Man? Wilson 3:16 says I just neighbored yer ass. And that's the bottom line, 'cause…

(Linda McMahon storms the set, kicks Austin in the groin, leaves. Scene fades to black.)


I also found promotional posters for several other new programs in development. To wit:

 


 

And, as promised, here is the opening credits video from "All In The McMahon Family". The clip was designed by none other than flash-animation guru Ziggy "Operation Retard" Blumenthal, whose work can be found at http://www.fakemccoy.com.

Well, folks, that about does it for this week. Will I be back at you with more scoops next Thursday? BANK ON IT!!!™. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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