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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Crack Investigative Reporting 

November 3, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Austen 3:16 Says I Just Refused Tah Job."
     -- Stoned Cold Steve Austen, yesterday.
Welcome, everyone,
to another 
EXCLUSIVE, 
JAM-PACKED and 
BASICALLY 
HUMORLESS edition
of Inside The Ropes. 
I'm best-selling 
author
and 
shopping-mall 
magnate Canadian 
Bulldog
, and we've 
got a TON to get to 
this well. But first, a 
quick poll:

 

What was the most shocking J.O.B. last month?

(A) The Christian, to unemployment.
(B) Jim Roth's Ass, to Vince MacMahon.
(C) Biggie Van Vader, to gravity.
(D) Triple HHH, to Val Venus (dark match)
(E) Yes.

Be sure to vote for you choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: "Like wwe.com, only far less resourceful.") And here's how you all voted last time:

Why did Eddie Guerrera befriend Deacon Bautista?

(A) He needed the money - 6 %
(B) Thought he was actually Chavo on steroids - 53 %
(C) You'd rather he befriend SHNITSKY!!! instead? - 20 %
(D) Not because he's gonna turn on him, no sir - 6 %
(E) Yes - 13 %

And now, onto the news…

That's How I Roll The Hell Out Of Here: You may have not heard the rumors yet, but sources are reporting that The Christian (real name: Christian Cage) has amicably agreed to part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Ltd. Inc. Here is a brief recap of his tenure with the company:

· May 1997: Debuts as a vampire, joining Gangrene in "The Blood" faction.
· May 2005: Contract expires.
· May 2002: Switches to "temper tantrum" gimmick, hires Simon Diamond Page as his mentor.
· May 2003: Steals some of Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho's Ass Cream.
· May 1998: Becomes brothers with ThEdge.

He will be missed, assuming he's dead. As a special treat to my readers, what follows is the ACTUAL CONVERSATION that took place between "Captain Christmas" and figurehead promoter Vince MacMahon.

C: Vince... I'm sorry, but... I can't sign this new contract.

V: Why the hell not? Are you trying to say that you're bigger than the WWE? Also, who the hell are you?

C: Don't pretend like you don't know who I am™!!! No, the reason that I'm leaving is because you don't know how to book someone like me. I'm going to become champion of TNA or ROH, where my skills will be appreciated.

V: Oh, I see… you want us to give you a phony title belt, and that'll be your new gimmick?

C: Uh… ?

V: We can probably arrange that. You go ahead and call yourself the TNH champion, or whatever you just said, and quite frankly, the gimmick could be crazy enough to work. Go for it!

C: No, no, no. Those are actual wrestling promotions - TNA and ROH!

V: (Pause) Heh heh heh. You almost had me there for a second! Imagine.. "R-O-H". Ha! That's good; that's damn good. I think we are going to give you a new gimmick -- "Christian, the stand-up comedian."

C: Um, that's not helping. But anyways, I mean it. I'm leaving. For good.

V: Sure, we could do one of those things we did with Jericho, where you can go and travel with your little rock band for six months and then come back…

C: Vince… I don't have a rock band, and I'm really not coming back.

V: Great! We'll see you at the pay-per-view.

C: (Throws tantrum on the ground).

According to highly-placed sources within WWE who practically got down on their hands and knees and begged for anonymity, the company "wishes him the best in future endeavors."

Also being fired this week were "Stoned Cold" Sheriff Austen, formerly a champion in some other wrestling league (the old WWF), who will go back to making a career of Shitty B-Movies That No One Will Ever, Ever Put On A Big Screen; and former Playgirl cover girl Torrie Watson, who will join her husband Billy The Kid Sized Man in Obscurity.

Prisoner-In-Peril: Former Rockin' Roll Express member Richie Morton has landed his sexy ass in The Slammer because he either "allegedly" murdered someone or didn't pay child support! And the corrupt prison guards (no, not Bad Boss Man -- he died, REMEMBER?) will beat on him for like half an hour and hit him with Jim Coronet's tennis racket whenever the warden isn't looking! Until finally, Morton will tag out to his old partner Robin Gibson, who will beat up the guards like a house of fire! And then Nature Guy Ricky Flare will try to tear off his nose for some reason! Then he'll use Alexandria York's laptop computer to figure out a plan to get out of there! And it will be the best prison break ever!

EVER!!!

Oh… My… Lord!: Is there any truth to the rumor that WWE is considering giving Jim Roth's old broadcasting job to former TNA announcer Joe E. Styles? No, not at all!!!

Has anyone else noticed that Hurricane Helmsley isn't his usual bright, cheerful self these days? As he's so fond of saying himself, "Waddafuckisupwitdat?"

Now that Tattoo Thursday has come and gone, are the problems between Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw and T.D. Long's Crappy Night Smack! Down settled for good? BANK ON IT!!!

So… uh, are y'all gonna buy my book already? Or what?

As you are all no doubt aware unless you're dumb, NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass) will have its very own PRIMETIME SPECIAL on Spike Dudley TV!!! Imagine, wrestling on a Thursday night - who'da thunk it? FINALLY!!! And it will take place TONIGHT!!! Unless it was actually YESTERDAY, and I just forgot to TAPE IT!!!

Uh… EVER!!!

Anyways, here is a preview of what to expect:

Main Event
Special "Loser Must Job To Jarrod" Match

Double Jeff Jarrod
Vs. The Rookie Monster Rhinocerous

Wait… THIS is the main event? The hell? The least they could have done is put Jarrod over someone like Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash. You know a dependable guy like him would have put his heart into it.

Main Event
The Alllllllllltimate X Match

Bunch Of Guys No One Has Ever Heard Of

If you're into total-nonstop-flippy shit highspots, then brother, this is the match for you. First one to take the oversized X off the ropes and then hang it up on T&A President Delta Burke's Christmas tree wins!!!

Main Event
Pointless Tag Team Match

Team Three-Dimensional (Brother Bubba and Brother D-Lo)
Vs. Team Canadian Bulldog (Johnny ITR & Total BS)

Look for the team of to come out on top.

Main Event
Pointless 6-Man Tag Team Match

B.J. Styles, Sonjay Duck
& Stone Cold Austin Aries Vs. "Falling Angel" Christian Daniels, Samoan John & "The Most Androgynous Name In Wrestling" Alex Shelly

Wow, doesn't THIS sound exciting? Bleah.

Main Event
Pointless 6-Man Tag Team Match II

Jeff Hardee, Saboo
& Lance Hoyd Hoight Hyot Test Vs. Jobbers In The Rough

SHUT UP, BASTARD!!! Oh, who the fuck cares? Really now…

Main Event
Squash Match

"Alphabet Male" Murphy Brown
Vs. A Jobber

Now we're cooking! Not sure who will win this bout, though.

Speaking of Jarrod family members: It appears as though Jerry "The King" Jarrett showed up at WWE Corporate Headquarters last week with a huge Russian actor in tow. After talent-relations co-ordinator Jerry Ace refused to hand the big Russkie a contract, the Russian said "I must break you" and "If he dies, he dies."

Pretty lame, huh? Well, how about YOU PEOPLE try to come up with something better for a fucking change???

Getting To The Butt Of The Matter: WWE recently fired Good Ol' JR Ewing's Ass because they were interested in having Someone Else's Ass broadcast Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw. I recently had the opportunity to sit down and talk to it, er, him, over the telephone. What follows in an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:

CB: Hello, is this JR's Ass?

JRA: Actually, this is "Bad Ass" Billy Gunn. Who…

CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number one: Are you recovering well from your ass-reduction surgery?

JRA: What a nice bit of continuity there… But no, I told you already, my name is Billy Gunn! But I am curious: how did you end up making a mistake like that? What did you look up in the phone book to get the wrong "ass"?

CB: Question number two: Was Dr. Hiney a good physician? I'm thinking of referring him to my friends and family…

JRA: Look, I don't know what you're talking about! My name is…

CB: Question number three: How did you fit all those things in there? And Mae Yung's hand? What were you thinking, man?

JRA: Well, I was just getting started in the business, and she promised me that… HEY! I don't what the hell you're talking about! I keep telling you, my name…

CB: Question number four: Are you going to be working elsewhere now that you were FIRRRRRRRRRRRRED by WWE?

JRA: Well, I'm already working in TNA right now.

CB: OMFG!!! EXCLUSIVE SCOOP!!! JR'S ASS IS WORKING FOR NWA T&A!!! I GUARANTEE YOU'LL PUT THE "ASS" BACK INTO TITS AND ASS!!!

JRA: I actually tried to get that put on a T-shirt at one time... Anyways, I've been working with them for a while now. Haven't you seen me appear as "Monty Outlaw" or "Kip Jackson" or some other unmarketable name?

CB: I can't say I have. I don't watch T&A. Too many out-of-work jobbers like "Big Ass" Barry Gun on it.

JRA: Grrr. You know what, kid? This interview is over.

CB: You don't get to say that. I SAY THAT, BAH GAWD! THIS INTERVIEW… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up phone).

JRA: Wait. Wait! Tell Cory I got all of his letters…

If there's anyone out there that you're dying for me to interview, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com

Oh! I almost forgot to mention this: I am currently compiling questions from YOU, the loyal ITR readers, to answer in a future column. Send me your most DEEPLY PERSONAL questions, plus any wrestling, mixed martial arts and home-repair queries, and they will all be answered. Send them in today; before I forget about the whole concept and move onto something entirely different!!!

And finally, here are some more in my series of collectable, randomly-inserted ITR Trading Cards:

Well, that about does it for this week. Remember, if you have any questions (especially for my future Q&A column!!!), drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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