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December 8, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


"I'm The Boogerman, and I'm comin' to kill ya." 
     - The Boogerman, Supreme Court Case 
            WWE v. Bischov, 2005.
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SOMEWHAT CONTROVERSIAL edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm adult film star Canadian Bulldog and we've got TONS to get to this week.

Actually, we don't have too much on tap, but if I told you that, you might leave and go read some 

crap like Pyrofalkon's column, and I don't want to responsible for encouraging something like THAT. So as Zak Gowan used to say, let's hop right to it.

NWA Q&A (Not Worth Answering (your) Questions & Answers): One month ago, I asked you, the great unwashed, to submit your questions. But for whatever reason, you ungrateful bastards weren't smart enough to send me a ton of emails, so I'll just have to have to work with what I've got.

And as promised, The Notorious D.O.G. is holding nothing back! Wrestling or otherwise, this is YOUR forum to get everything from the most controversial to most personal queries answered:

Q: What is your real name?

A: Not gonna go there.

Q: Do you believe that Randy "Abigail" Orton can actually put The Honorable Mayor of Metro City, The Under "Haggar" Taker down to REST IN PEAS for all eternity plus five? Well, if he can ever leave the Bay Area. And avoid the dreaded "Dropkick of Mayoral Doom" that Mr. Taker is known to perform at times. Also, this is under the assumption that the rest of the Mad Gear gang lets Orton try doing this on his own.

A: Since I have NO IDEA what the fuck you're talking about (Learn to spell names right, jackass!), I will instead walk you through what will happen in the remainder of the feud between Randy Orton! Orton! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! and The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To.

Next month, during their classic "Hell Of The Cell" match, Orton will accidentally drop the cell on Taker's head! And then he'll be dead for sure because he'll have extensive Cranial Damage! And then Randy will use Eddie Guerrera's Low-Riser to run over handicapped children, not because its part of the storyline, but because he's just a douche! Then he (meaning Taker) will return in January wearing a New Head! Which will mean that he gets yet another new Action Figure! But before the match starts, Cowboy Bob Orton! Orton! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! will take a gun out of his cast and shoot Taker straight through the heart! But he'll come back in February without a heart, proving that he's really a MacMahon! And it will be the best reincarnation gimmick ever!


Q: How do I rebuild my starter motor?

A: Thanks for the compliment!!! Personally, I'd replace all cables from the battery to the starter with 00 or 0 Gauge Cables. This is especially important if you have a 6-volt system. Clean all connections with a Wire Brush -- be sure the Ground Cable is connected to a really clean spot; they sometimes get overlooked since they generally connect to a nearly inaccessible spot. Remember it can take 50-100 amps to run the starter. If you have only one ohm of resistance in the circuit you cannot get more than 6 or 12 amps depending on your Electrical System.

Q: Don't you think its time they ended the brand split?

A: The what?

Q: Hey Bulldog. This is for your all-Q&A column. I've been trying to figure out the lineage of WWE and World Champions, and where exactly the two lineages get murky. I figured that someone with your unique talents could maybe figure this out. Can you help?

A: Sure, why not?

Spinning WWE Championship 
(formerly Raw World Title)

Undisputed Other 
World Title 

(formerly WWF, WCW, NWA, ROH and ECW World Titles)

(1) "Nature Guy Buddy Rogers

(1) Triple HHH

(2) Harlem Heat

(2) "Nature Guy" Buddy Rogers

(3) "Superstar" Barry Graham

(3) Goldenberg

(4) Barry Darsow (aka Repair Man)

(4) Triple HHH

(5) Bruno Santamartina

(5) Triple HHH

(6) Ivan Volkov

(6) Triple HHH

(7) "The Original" Shiek

(7) Rocky "The Rock" Rockowitz

(8) "Mister" Bob Backlan

(8) Triple HHH

(9) "The Iran" Shiek

(9) "The Next Best Thing" Brock Lesnor

(10) "Hacksaw" John Duggan (found belt in trash can)

(10) "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera, May He Rest In Peace, And Also His Beloved Low-Riser

(11) Hal Kogan

(11) John Breadshaw Lagerfeld

(12) Andrew The Giant

(12) Deacon Bautista

(13) The Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To

(13) Vince MacMahon

(14) "Matzoh Man" Randy Sewage

(14) "Matzoh Man" Randy Sewage

(15) Title Vacant - See "Ratings Analysis" on Page 62

(15) Title Vacant - See "Ratings Analysis" on Page 64

(16) Triple HHH

(16) Triple HHH

(17) Brent "Hate Man" Heart

(17) Arnold Schwartzaneggor (he was an honorary champion, REMEMBER?)

(18) "Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels

(18) John Ceno

(19) The Best Show

(19) ATT&T pitchman David Laroquette

(20) "Stoned Cold" Sheriff Austen

(20) Y J Stinger, except then they gave it back to Triple HHH

(21) Numerous Others

(21) Numerous Others


Q: My Dear Beloved,

I am the Mrs. Rose Welsh, but now undergoing medical treatment in Barnes Hospital, South Wople Way, SW14 8SU, London, England. I am married to Dr. Gerald Welsh who worked with British Judicial Commission in Chelsea England for over a decade before he died on 5th of July in the year 2003. We were married for fifteen years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for two weeks. Before his death he made a vow to use his wealth for the down trodden and the less privileged in the society. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home.
When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of £10 Million (Ten Million Pounds sterling) with one Finance/Bank in Europe. Presently, this money is still with the Bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next 4 months due to a rare form of cancer of the pancreas. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to an individual or better still a God fearing person who will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein.

Though I may not know you personally I want to tell you that, through divine word of wisdom from above, I was asked to tell you to do this, not for me but for The Almighty because you are blessed and you have been chosen to do mighty works for the Almighty. I want an individual that will use this to fund and provide succor to poor and destitute persons, orphanages, and widows and for propagating peace in the universe. I understand that blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not inclined to helping poor persons and I do not want my husbands hard earned money to be misused or spent in the manner in which my late husband did not specify.

I do not want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Almighty. I do not need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health, and because of the presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I do not want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Finance/Security Company in Europe. I will also issue you a letter of authority that will empower you as the original beneficiary of this fund. I want you to always pray for me. My happiness is that I lived a life worthy of emulation. Whosoever that wants to serve the Almighty must serve him with all his heart and mind and soul and also in truth.

Please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for an individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act according to my specification herein. I will also be most glad if you can tell me a little about yourself. Hoping to hear from you. Thank you and may the Almighty bless you.

A: Oy vey! How dumb do you think I am, pqmkr.boat@msa.hinet.net?

You already emailed with the exact same situation last year, and it turned to be a SCAM! I mean, I'm not stupid. You got my bank account information, credit card numbers, pin number and semen sample last time. NEVER AGAIN!!!

Q: Can you please tell me what happened during the infamous "Survivor Series Screwjob"?

A: Nope.

Q: Hey Bulldog,

I just found your column and quiet frankly it's great!! Enough with the praises already right? Anyhoos can you do an interview with the one Rey Mysterio. My bad, Roy Mysterio right? I think to quote a great master of words (mock ups) that it will be the best interview ever. Ever!!!

A: Well… I already did interview him once before, but let's try again, shall we?

CB: Hello, is this Roy Mysterio Junior?
RM: Well, no…
CB: Oh, SHUT UP, BASTARD!!! (Hangs up phone)
RM: … actually, I go by Rey.
Q: Where are my socks?
A: Did you check in the laundry room hamper?
Q: Yo, Dawg. You are the best horrible journalist ever (EV-AR!). What are you're thoughts on WWE Corporation Limited forcing all of its employees to inject themselves with anabolic asteroids just because Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera died without them in his system?
A: Well, obviously, I won't answer this question for fear of being crapped on (see next question), so instead I'll use this opportunity to shamelessly plug my book "Thanks For The Compliment! Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!", now available in fine booksellers everywhere (well, available through one website, but whatever).

Here's what some of the critics are saying (the ones I haven't paid off to talk, anyways):

"The stuff that Bulldog has the audacity to ask is pretty damn creative... This book may also become a collector’s item once one of these wrestling personalities strangles the life out of Bulldog after getting Punk’d out."
-- Derek Burgan, (formerly of)
Pro Wrestling Torch

"Bulldog manages to write some very funny letters and get even funnier responses from some of pro wrestling's biggest names. The fun part of the book is that he does it without a hint of nastiness, generally refusing to get into any insulting exchanges with his targets... Bulldog's strength is in making up people and events and making them funny."
-- Dave Hillhouse,
SLAM! Wrestling

"To be honest, I don't know how this guys hasn't been sued... There are a couple of funny constants... he misspells all of their names. That's rather comical to me."
-- Chris Cash,

"You have tons and tons of PROVEN gOOdness, finally collected all in one place. And you have tons of NEW gOOdness that you've never seen before, but which I'm vouching for. Why wouldn't you Buy The Book? Huh? Why not?"
-- Rick Scaia,
Online Onslaught (Who?)

"This book is so freaking hilarious i dont even know what to say. It should be REQUIRED READING for wrestling fans."
-- ITR reader Cidsoft

"I can't stop laughing my ass off! This is the funniest book ever! EVER! Cartoons rock. You should be nominated for an award."
-- ITR reader Jay

Seriously, people, what are you waiting for? If I sell just ONE MORE BOOK, I can receive a free sandwich at participating Subway locations. Christmas is just around the corner, plus I've heard it makes the perfect gift for Chanukah, Ramadan, Festivus and yes, even New Year's Eve. Don't delay, order today!

Don't make me drive to your house and personally drop a copy off. Cause I'll do it if I have to…

Q: If I buy your STOOPID book, will you finally shut up?


Q: Doing a parody of the tributes to Eddie Guerrero? Bad form.

A: Dude, have you ever READ this column before?

Q: What ever happened to your ITR trading cards?

A: Glad you asked. Here are four BRAND-SPANKING NEW ones to add to your collection:

Q: Even you have to be impressed by the recent TNA buyrates and blah blah blah bitch bitch bitch whine whine whine (I've paraphrased some of the question).

A: 40 bucks a pop? What's so impressive about THAT buyrate? It was a lot cheaper the last time I paid to see Roaddog Jamie James, Shawn "Ex-Pack" Waltman, Double Jeff Jarrod and "Big Ass" Billy Gun wrestle -- in 1996.

Q: Johnny ITR here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!) I have to talk to you about something important. I have worked as your Trusty Apprentice for well over a year and, in that time, I've done EVERYTHING you've asked of me.

Boss, I've looked up wrestler e-mails for you, fetched your coffee (even though we live in different countries!), pretended to send "fan mail" to plump up your Q&A column, bought your stupid delightful book, and then there was that time when you asked me to send you a semen sample for some reason.

In short, I've had enough. It's about time you gave me my just due. Otherwise, it looks like Pyrofalkon will have himself a new Trusty Apprentice.

A: Okay, look, Jimmy, we obviously go quite a ways back. So what if, next week, you take over Inside The Ropes? Would that make you happy?

Q: Actually, I was just trying to get some money for all my hard wor…

A: Thanks for the compliment!!! You report to work next Thursday. Don't be late. Webmaster Rick Scherer hates it when you show up late.

Well, that about does it for this week. If you have any questions for me, DON'T BOTHER BECAUSE MY FUCKING Q&A COLUMN IS ALREADY FINISHED, MORONS!!! No, just kidding. Keep sending 'em to bulldog@onlineonslaught.comBe sure to tune in next week when Johnny ITR takes over the shop (whether he likes it or not). And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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