Powered by LiquidWeb NEW SEARCH FEATURE! IT WORKS!
Search all of OO for news, columnists, and articles about your favorites!

 
News  -/-  Recaps  -/-  Columns  -/-  Features  -/-  Reference  -/-  Archives  -/-  Interact  -/-  Site Info
 

Donate to Online Onslaught!
CLICK HERE TO HELP KEEP OO ALIVE!
MAIN PAGE
NEWS
     Daily Onslaught
RECAPS
     RAW
     SmackDown!
     PPV
     NWA-TNA
     Heat
     Velocity
     Other 
COLUMNS
     Obtuse Angle
     RAW Satire
     The Broad
         Perspective

     Inside the Ropes
     OOld Tyme
         Rasslin' Revue
    
Circa/Dungeon 
     Title Wave
    
Crashing the
         Boards

     Deconstruction
     Smarky Awards
     Big in Japan
     Guest Columnists
     2 Out of 3 Falls
     Devil's Due
     The Ring
     The Little Things
     Timeline
    
SK Rants
    
The Mac Files
     Sq'd Circle Jerk
     TWiFW
FEATURES
     RAW vs. SD!:
         Brand Battle
 
     Cheap Heat 
     Year in Review
     Monday Wars
     Road to WM 

     Interviews
REFERENCE
     Title Histories
     Real Names
     PPV Results
     Smart Glossary
     Birthdays 
ARCHIVES 
INTERACT
     Message Boards
     Live Chat 
SITE INFO
     Contact
     OO History

If you attend a live show, or have any other news for us, just send an e-mail to this address!  We'd also love to hear from you if you've got suggestions or complaints about the site...  let us have it!

 
INSIDE THE ROPES    
Johnny ITR = RATINGS~!

December 15, 2005

by Johnny ITR    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Why am I not coming back to wrestling? Four words: Minnesota Vikings Boat Party.”
        
-Brick Lesnor to Vinnie Max, October 2005  
 
Yo hey! Welcome, Former Dogsciples, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED edition of Inside the Ropes! The thing is, though, my boss and giver of too-low-by- Cambodian-standards paychecks, Canadian Bulldog, is in Las Vegas, relegating me to pull off the first-ever column by yours truly, Johnny ITR! And you know what they say about Sin City: "Stay in  

Vegas!” Here’s hoping the Boss does; maybe he can hit the tables with Tea N’ Eh Superstar Three Card Monty Brown. Enough of that, duty calls!

Poll Question: What will you think about Johnny ITR’s pinch-hit writing duties?

A) It will be like when Billy draws The Family Circus…but BETTER!!!
B) He was BORN TO RUN this joint!
C) SCHNITSKY!!!
D) Give the job to Dartmouth Graduate Christopher Lewinsky
E) YES!

You can find that poll along with la…wait. Who cares about last week’s poll? The Apprentice is in charge now! PERIOD. That means I’m free to make my own rules, cover the stories I deem important, and create my own catchphrases! I don’t even have to make fun of the idiot Pyrofalkon and his stupid column. That being said, I guarantee that this will be the most unique column ever!

EVER!

Let’s go to the headlines:

Naked Sting at Tea N’ Eh PPV

After the main event of Turning Point Break, Double Jeff Jarrod was celebrating his victory over The Rookie Monster Rhino Richards when, in an unprecedented move, THE LIGHTS WENT OUT! Obviously, everyone in the arena thought that one of the fuses blew, but not Johnny ITR! I opened up my laptop-which still had 34% battery life left-and went to OnlineOnslaught.com, which is always up-to-the-afternoon with breaking news.. Sure enough, over an ad for a used WWF Degeneration X In Your House VHS, there it was: a spoiler! But I didn’t click on it, so I have no idea what happened. I’m sure Jarrod hit it with a guitar, though.

“The Professor” Matt Heidenstreich debuts on U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! network.

Fans live at Eric Bischov’s Monday Night RAW were treated to a memorable promo by wrestler-turned-teacher-turned- concert-pianist-turned-wrestling-teacher Matt Heidenstrieich. He wrote some shit down on a chalkboard and started lecturing about something dumb. I wasn’t paying attention because I was too busy passing notes to Jason Longshoreman and drawing sketches of The Big Stupid Red Machine Kane as a West Coast Rapper to really care.

John Ceno wins an “I Can’t See You” match

Also at Shane O’ Max’s Monday Night Raw, WWE Undisputed Other World Champion John Ceno ("World Life!") wore a yard of Seranwrap around his face and eventually passed out on top of Duhvari for the win. This makes nearly 3 years since this Parappa wannabe has lost a match, meaning he’s almost as annoyingly unstoppable as the title character in the Blockbuster new flick Peter Frampton’s King Kong. Let’s look at that potential dream matchup:

Tale of the Ape (GET IT?!):

Dumb Female:

King Kong: Fay Wray, who was stupid enough to think that Woman and Ape could mix
Ceno: Maria Tennyson Lund, who was stupid enough to think that her looks alone would get her far in life. Oh, wait….

EDGE: EVEN

Dinsosaurs:

King Kong: Gorilla presses a Tyrannasaurus in the new film
Ceno: Once in the same ring with “The Nature Guy” Ricky Flare.

Edge: EVEN

Original Score:

King Kong: Apes Grunting, women screaming
Ceno: Him rapping

Edge: EVEN

Most Resembles:

King Kong: Grape Ape. Grape Ape.
Ceno: That guy on the corner trying to sell some Heroine and Cokecane, yo.

Edge: EVEN

Notable Midsection Ornament

King Kong: Giant Ape Penis
Ceno: Spinner Belt

Edge: EVEN

Fighting attire:

Kong: Black single-strap singlet
Ceno: Dayton Flyers Throwback Jersey

EDGE: EVEN

Favorite Use of Fingers:

Kong: Asking referee to count to five.
Ceno: Applying pressure to stab wounds

Edge: Even

Most Memorable Match:

Kong: Steel Cage Showdown at RascalMania Too
Ceno: Battle Rap versus The Monster Haku

Edge: Even

There you have it. Could John Ceno triumph Peter Frampton’s King Kong. YOU BET YOUR SWEET BIPPY! (Note: that catchphrase is to replace “THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT” from now on.)

ITEM! Takajiri and WWEF Part Ways

Who the fuck cares?

Okay, how does Bulldog fill this thing up with so much crap? There really isn’t that much news to make up report every week, is there? No wonder half the column is trading cards now. With that, then, I guess it’s time to tell the story that all the kids want to hear this holiday season. So, grab some gravy-flavored eggnog and curl up next to a big raging fire (preferably in a fireplace). Johnny ITR and Inside the Ropes bring you THE ONLY Armageddon Pay Per View Preview you need! Will this be a holiday classic? YOU BET YOUR SWEET BIPPY! (See: much better!)

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE PAYPERVIEW

Twas the night before PayPerView, when all through OO
Not a soul gave two shits about the next Smack! Down show
The matches were put together with nary a care,
Armageddon was bound to pull a record-low share

Randy Orton was nestled all snug in his cell,
Awaiting Taker’s entrance, which was boring as hell
Paul Bearer in his cement coffin, somehow eating a wrap,
I couldn’t believe I was paying for this crap.

When out on the ramp there arose such a clatter,
The crowd sprang to its feet to see what was the matter.
The arena went dark, but there appeared a bright flash,
It was cheap as they come, but way faster than Nash.

The Druids appeared and filed in row by damn row
Orton started drooling at the torches’ bright glow
When, what to my wondering eyes was macabre?
It was the Undertaker, and eight tiny jobbers!

They were all little guys, so lively and quick
I knew in a moment I was going to be sick
More rapid than X-Pac these cruisers they came,
The Deadman’s eyes rolled back and he called them by name!

"Now Juvi! Now Rey Rey! Now Psicosis and Paul!
On, Hardy! On, Kash! On Simon and the other Paul!
To the top of the ropes! To the top of the cage!
Now job away! Job away! But me don’t upstage!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the Cell-top the jobbers they climbed,
Orton had no choice but to follow behind.

And then, in an instant, bodies started flying
“ORTON! ORTON! BAH GAWD ORTON!” was actually trying
Cruisers plummeted down from the hellacious roof
And then he bragged about it but came out a dumb goof

“Your jobbers can’t hurt me, I’m Randy Orton
My favorite book is about this creature named Horton
I’m the Legend Killer, my skills ain’t diminished
Get in this Cell, so I can start what I’ve finished!.

Taker’s eyes, how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!
He was out of character due to free holiday sherry!
But Orton didn’t notice as he stood upon the steel,
Until he wisened up and tried to broker a deal.

“I’ll give you anything, Taker, if you’ll just let me go,
Whatever you do, please don’t chokeslam me below
I have to live off my looks and my rock-hard belly
You know I can’t survive as my brain be of jelly!”

He “acted” in terror, but instead looked like an elf
It was so bad I laughed, in spite of myself!
Taker did too, and gestured to his head
“You know you can’t kill what’s already dead.”

Enough about the crowd, though; Taker went straight to his work,
Clobbering Orton with soupbones and crushing that jerk.
Randall took all he could from the superior foe
When out of fucking nowhere he landed an RKO!

“Nothing You Can Say” blasted through the arena
Orton started gloating like he was John Cena
But I heard him exclaim, as he struck that damn pose
"Happy Armageddon to all, boy your lives blow!"

See? I bet there’s not a dry eye in the house!

Now that I’m in charge, it’s time to look in Canadian Bulldog’s mailbag. Which is funny because most people use email nowadays. I guess one of my jobs is to open the four letters he gets a week, so let’s take a look!

Q: Hey, Bulldog: are you my father? If so, meet me by that statue of the kid who found the severed hand.

A: THANKS FOR THE POSITIVE REMARKS!!!

Q: Who is going to be the next General Manager on Eric Bischov’s Monday Night Raw?

A: All signs point to Dustracks on the Rhodes (The American Dreamer himself) to take control of the ship and conduct it straight through the tunnel of success in 2006. Look for new innovations, like mandatory polka dot ring attire and an “Elimination Chamber Match, if you wheeeeeeeel.”

Q: Who has the best finishing move of all time? I say it’s Charlita Caribeean Cruel, but my friend says it’s Chris Masterpiece. What do you think?

A: GOOD QUESTION!

Q: Hi Johnny ITR! This is Canadian Bulldog (don’t pretend like you don’t know who I am!). Look, I know you’re reading these letters, and I’m sure that things are going fine. Do me a favor, though, and tell the good folks out there how well I’ve trained you. Peace, Out, Canadian Bulldog.

A: Sure thing, you stupid son of a…

Ahem. Well, the Q and A was cut short, so let me move on to the next subject:

THE UNTOLD HISTORY OF CANADIAN BULLDOG AND JOHNNY ITR

It began like many apprenticeships, such as Eric Bischov and Johnny Thurnder, and, uh…you get the picture. He started training me in all things reportery: faking interviews, faking scoops, faking my own death. It was a relationship built entirely on trust and filled with many heartfelt, genuine vignettes.

I remember we were playing Monopoly one time, and Bulldog was very excited to buy Marvin Gardens; it was the last yellow property he needed. So he plopped down $1000 in Canadian currency (which, ironically, is cheaper to use than real Monopoly money) and demanded, “BANK ON IT!!!”

“What?” I replied.

“BANK ON IT!” He shouted again, gesturing toward the game board.

“What?” I again quizzed him. I had no idea what he was guaranteeing.

“Put a BANK ON IT!” This time he put his finger right on the property. It took me twenty minutes to explain to him that you put hotels, not banks, on Monopoly properties, but he enjoyed the game so much that I actually convinced him that he won $15 in a beauty contest. “THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT!” was also born that night.

Our relationship wasn’t always fun and games, though. He made me cover the worst wrestling shows around, including Sunday Night Cheap Heat and Smack! Down. I’ve seen more Val Venus matches than anyone, except for maybe Visceria. When I wasn’t writing his column for him or dragging him out of late-night Toronto Pizzerias, he would open up and share his true feelings on life. But no one wants to hear that stupid crap.

The End.

Well, was that the best edition of Inside the Ropes that you’ve ever read? YOU BET YOUR SWEET BIPPY! EVER! Before I go, though, I want to say a quick word about Bulldog’s book, THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT!!! My name is in it multiple times. In fact, even my cat likes it!

Anyway, I just received a fax from Las Vegas and it looks like The Boss (no, not Springsteen, IDIOTS) will be back next week, covering the best of the year. Let’s just pretend this whole incident never happened. You can pretend by emailing stocking stuffers to JohnnyITR@hotmail.com. So, for the sake of all that is holy, make sure to send Canadian Bulldog some beautiful Christmas cards. And remember, if you heard it here first, it’s…Inside the Ropes.

E-MAIL JOHNNY ITR    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.