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INSIDE THE ROPES    
2005: The Best Year for Wrestling Ever!
EVER!!! (Part Two) 

January 6, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and (if it's anything like last week's) POORLY-FORMATTED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog.
 
 
We'll pick up where we left off last week, reviewing the events that helped to shape the year that was, in the industry I like to call 'stupid fake wrestling'. Check out last week's column if you missed the first six months, and then sit back in your favorite easy chair, get all that good stuff out of the fridge - the meat-a-ball, the toppelagora, the gotiganzola  

(only about three people will get that joke -- AND I DON'T CARE!!!) as we accurately portray the second half of 2005.

JULY

- A new milestone in the literary world is achieved when former European rugby standout Canadian Bulldog writes his first (non-fiction) book, "Thanks For The Compliment!!! Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!", which, it may shock you to learn, is STILL available for purchase at this convenient location. Hey, if you don't do it for me, buy the book for OO Hall of Famer Jeb Tennyson Lund, because I promised him a cut if I sell more than six copies.

- Nothing happened in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). Sure, former WWE "star" Rhinocerous feuded with, then teamed with, then turned on, then feuded with, then teamed with champion Double Jeff Jarrod, but nothing important.

 

- After months of whining for his damn job back, Mike Hardy Version 2000 For Professionals is re-hired by World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. LLC. Hardy will soon become less concerned about catchphrase-stealer ThEdge fucking The Returning Leeta, and more concerned about the company fucking him.

- To cover the excessive costs of hiring Hardy back, WWE fires the collective asses of The Dudley Brotherz (Barbara Ray, D-Lo and Spike TV), Billy The Kid-Sized Man, Charlie Horse, Matt Morris, Marvin, Mordechai, Gangrene, Mary Jannetty and A Bunch Of Other Guys Whom I'm Probably Never Mention In This Column Again. They are wished the best in future endeavors.

- "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera, who I am NOT going to joke about again after the "helpful feedback" I got following last week's column, has a secret to tell Roy Mystereo's son Dominic Guerrera. Sadly, we never find out what the secret is. Or maybe we do and it's really lame.

- Adorable non-terrorist Mohachmed Hussein gets in hot water from UPN executives because they weren't cool with him planting a bomb in the London subway system! And then he attacks The Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To! And then he shoots the president! Then he kidnaps a bunch of babies! And it's the best heel heat angle ever!

- EVER!!!

- Veteran tag team M&M get tired of competing against shitty Smack! Down teams and get awarded a feud with young up and comers HI-DAN-RIKE and Road Warrior Aminal.

- ITR of the month: Letters From A Nut VII.

 

AUGUST

- Former best friends and tag team partners Hollywood Hal Kogan and Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels turn on each other after HKB disguises himself as The Hulkstor on Lenny King Live and then superkicks King in the face, and as a result, Kogan's reality show is cancelled and his ~OMG HOT DAUGHTER has to give up her promising singing career and go back to waitressing in sleazy country & western bars.

- Nothing happened in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). Yes, Double Jeff Jarrod was supposed to have his last title shot ever (EVER!!!!), but nothing important.

- Extremely popular fan favorite John Ceno draws the ire of Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw District Manager Eric Bischov when he refuses to act like a "corporate champion". What an original angle! So, then, week after week, Ceno leaves Bischov fuming in the ring after his "ringers" Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho, Mike Tyson Tomko, Dude, Where's My Love and The Bad Boss Man fail to capture the title. Then, on one memorable episode, Cena drives a truck to the ring filled with Sunny D and sprays it all over Bischov.

- Extremely popular fan favorite Kur Tangle loses his prestigious Olympic gold medal to Mean Eugene. To retaliate, Tangle captures a gold medal at the Special Olympics.

- Y J Stinger Chuck Jericho quits WWE and on his personal website, posts a picture of himself posing in front of an NWA T&A logo. This can only mean one thing: he's lost his fucking mind.

- The former Dudley Brotherz are forced to change their names to Team Three-Dimensional. Yeah, that sounds almost the same; that's like me having to change my name to Pyrofalkon.

- ITR of the month: Cracking the DeHelmsley Code.

 

SEPTEMBER

- Friday Night Smack! Down moves to Friday nights, right between the hot TGIF lineup of Full House, Step By Step and That Show That Had Urkel On It. Will Friday nights ever be the same again? BANK ON IT!!!

- Nothing happened in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). Well, they finally got a television contract of some sort (which will compete with its highly-rated Internet show), and Double Jeff Jarrod went over Ravin for the "World" title, but nothing important.

- People get all in a tizzy after Hurricane Helmsley appears on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw right after Hurricanes Katrina and Rita strike. They also get upset when Super Rosie appears, but that's just because he sucks.

- Nature Guy Ricky Flare wins his 16th World Intercontinentional title after forgetting to pay his taxes and using steroids, and then having road rage, running over Charlita Caribbean Cruel with his limousine, while he was in the car sexing with four other women and beating them up.

- Happy 32nd birthday to your friendly neighborhood Canadian Bulldog. Thanks for getting me absolutely nothing, you selfish bastards!!!

- ITR of the month: The Greatest Moments In The History Of This Business.

 

OCTOBER

- World Wrestling Federblahblahblah marks its return to the U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Network with a three-hour "Hardcore Homecoming" show that includes: Triple HHH turning on Nature Guy Ricky Flare simply because he forgot to return his Hedge Clippers; Stoned Cold Sherriff Austen drunkenly stunning a whole batch of MacMahons because they said their Hedge Clippers are better than his; John Ceno beating Eric Bischov in a Hedge-Clippers-On-A-Pole-Match; ThEdge making Mike Hardy Version 1.0 travel all the way to Friday Night Hedge-Clipping Smack! Down; and Hollywood Hal Kogan refusing to put over a pair of Hedge Clippers. But the clear highlight of the night is Ron Conway being beat up by a whole bunch of Olden Wrestlers.

- Nothing happened in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). Okay, noted thespian Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash had a fatal heart attack the morning of a pay-per-view or something, and Rhinocerous somehow won their "world" title, but nothing important.

- Former Miss Black America "The Next Best Thing" Brock Lesnor responds to a restraining order from WWE saying he can't wrestle anymore by taking a nice, peaceful vacation to Japan, and then finding out that "The House Of The Rising Sun" has its OWN wrestling promotion. Who knew?

- Randy Orton! Orton! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! and his father Father! Father! BAH GAWD, FATHER!!! finally buried The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To once and for all, ensuring that he'll never, ever return, at least until Double Jeff Jarrod wins his next T&A title.

- Good Ol' JR Ewing gets repaid for more than a decade of loyal service to WWE by being callously fired by the company's gorgeous chief financial officer Lydia MacMahon. Then, the next week, he has to have ass-reduction surgery, and is referred to company physician Dr. Butt, in which they find, among other items, his cowboy hat, Mae Yung's dead hand, Max Moon's rocket-shooter thing, Skinner's knife, Repo Man's rope, Bad News Brown's cage full of Harlem sewer rats, the white Hummer, Canadian Bulldog's book and Ron Conway's hedge clippers.

- ITR of the month: The Greatest Stories Never Told.

 

NOVEMBER

- "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera is tragically found dead in a hotel room while brushing his teeth. The lesson to be learned here? NEVER BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!!

- Nothing happened in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). True, The Christian jumped ship (or is that converted?) and was forced to change his name to The Christian's Cage, and they started getting prime-time specials on cable television, and the promotion started gaining momentum as a legitimate competitor to WWE, but nothing important.

- World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. Corp. Inc. announces a COMPREHENSIVE drug testing policy that has nothing whatsoever to do with Eddie Guerrera's passing, or the fact that Mean Eugene passed out in a U.K. hotel because William Royal wasn't watching over him as he'd promised Eric Bischov he would, or the fact that Chris Masterpiece is on the active roster.

- Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw wages war on the highly successful Friday Night Smack! Down! Who were ultimately the winners?

(A) The fans.
(B) The Boogerman.
(C) No one wins in a war. YOU IDIOTS!!!
(D) SHNITSKY!!!
(E) Yes.

- During the Tattoo Thursday PPV, fans vote for Stoned Cold Sheriff Austen to quit the company rather than do a job to Sexual Mark Chocolate. "Here's the bottom line," Austen said in an exclusive interview with, oh, let's just say… me. "I'm Stoned Cold Steve Austen. I've drawn more money than anybody in the history of this business. I've sold more merchandise than anybody in the business, and I've sold more pay-per-views than anybody in the business. I'm not the first in line for Mark Chocolate. I'm the last in line. I'm happy to do business with anybody - when it's time to do business." Good Ol' JR Ewing added: "He just took his ball and went home. I've never seen anything like it. It would be like John Wayne backing down from a fight, with Sexual Mark Chocolate."

- OH… MY… GOSH! Financial analyst Johnny Styles becomes the new "voice" of Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw. Respected wrestling website 1wrestling.com (Motto: "Now with pop-up ads") commemorates the new career of their co-owner with the headline: "Raw Rating Plunges 0.000001 Percent; WWE Going Bankrupt?; Did Eddie Guerrero Really Die?; Plus, WWE Hires Some Shmuck As Announcer (Premium Members Only)".

- ITR of the month: Surviving South Park-Style.

 

DECEMBER

- Poet laureate Nature Guy Ricky Flare is arrested in his hometown of Woooooville, North Carolina, after stopping Some Guy on the highway, chopping him, and then putting him in a figure-four. (Folks, just as a sidenote here; I know I have no way of proving this, but I actually wrote this joke on a Sunday, and what happened one day later? ThEdge does the EXACT SAME BIT on Raw. Bastard is copying me again!!!)

- Nothing happened in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass). Sure, they… ARGH, I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! NOTHING IMPORTANT HAPPENED, OKAY??

- To help put over the "Hell Of The Cell" match at Our Mageddon, former referee Tom White shoots himself to be put out of his misery. No, there's no real "joke" there, just thought I'd mention this.

- World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. LLC graciously takes time out of their busy schedules to send goofs like Coach Man, Hurricane Helmsley, Stacey Keebler and The Brooklyn Basher to war-torn Iran. The troops are kind of like Toronto wrestling fans: They cheer for who they want. Or at least that would explain the lukewarm reaction to John Ceno.

- The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To haunts Randy Orton! Orton! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! from the grave, showing up in the most inappropriate places, such as Josh Matthews' mouth and the late Eddie Guerrera's Low-Riser, which wasn't there to exploit his death, it was just there because it really needed the money, what with Auto Show Season being several months away.

- In an effort to continue ridding itself of characters fans are actually into, WWE agrees to amicably part ways with Kirstie Hemmey, Eric Bischov and Tajerky. Thinking along the same lines, Chavito Guerrera, formerly known as Kermit White, begs fans not to give him any more pity pops.

- Kevin Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!) suffers a twisted back injury, whittling the current Friday Night Smack! Down roster down to only:

· The Bash 'Em Brother Who Isn't Gay
·
Bobby Lashleroux
· The Network TV Guy Who Looks Kind Of Like Christopher Lewinski
· Battle Kat
· A Whole Lotta Midgets

- No one can tell the difference.

- In order to dismiss themselves as being a WCW Thunder knockoff, NWA T&A runs an angle where former world champion Stink makes his big return by first sending cryptic signs to the world champion. But whose side is he going to be on? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT!!!

- ITR of the month: Christmas Carols II - Electric Bugaloo.

 

… which just about brings us to the present day. Thanks for joining me these past couple of weeks during this special, and may I just say, magical review of 2005.

Folks, I may not say this to you enough, but thank you all very much for making ItR the most-read column on the Internet (More read than Pyrofalkon's, anyways). You truly are a wonderful bunch of readers, the kind that always sends in feedback, offers encouragement and buys my book.

No? Damn, that felt like a sale there. Happy new year, jerks!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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