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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Parental Advice, a New GM, and MORE! 

January 12, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooo!" 
      -- Nature Guy Ricky Flare, Yesterday. 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and EMOTIONALLY-BANKRUPT edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm retired PETA activist Canadian Bulldog, and we've got a ton to get to this week. But first, a quick survey:

Why is John Ceno getting booed so much lately?

 
(A) Because the fans are jealous.
(B) Because the fans are stupid.
(C) This must be the introduction to the opposite sketches (Obscure Bulldog Reference #182641).
(D) They're not booing. They're saying "Boo-urns."
(E) Yes.

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (Motto: "Won't be updated until Canada has a new Prime Minister."). And here's how you all voted a looooong time ago, back when Matt Horking was running the show:

Who will the next T&A Triple X Division Champion?

(A) Gay Porn Star B.J. Styles - 4 %
(B) Samoan Joe - 13 %
(C) SHNITSKY!!! - 65 %
(D) Chris Masterpiece - 8 %
(E) Yes - 8 %

And now, onto the news:

An open letter to Deacon Bautista,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I know you've always respected your fans, so shut up and listen to me for a second.

As you are no doubt aware, you recently "got busy with" (meaning RAPED!) Melita on what would have otherwise been another uneventful edition of Friday! Night! Smack! Down!

Now, I may just be the average wrestling fan, but I watch to see your show the young up and comers like Bobby Lashleroux, Sexual Mark Chocolate and The Boogerman. I watch to see franchise players such as Eddie Guerrera, Juventood Guerrero and The Christian. But unless it involves Lydia MacMahon, I don't watch wrestling to see sex.

Besides, don't you understand that NO means NO? Just because you are big, strong and incredibly sexy, it does not give you the RIGHT to violate anyone else! Perhaps Melita was just conflicted because she couldn't resist your manly charms. I know I couldn't.

I suggest you do what's right at this stage: keep the baby, then pretend to have yet another injury until this whole thing dies down. Otherwise, you might find your sexy little ass IN JAIL!!!

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

 

Bank On You-Know-What: Documented catchphrase-stealer ThEdge fulfilled his boyhood dream this past weekend by making people boo John Ceno at the New Year's Resolution PPV.

In related news, ThEdge also won the Spinning World Title in a ****** match. At least, I think he did. I didn't really watch the show.

I didn't even read about the results on the Internet. Hell, I don't even know how I know this information.

Who's "ThEdge"? What's "wrestling"?

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?

You're Pushing My Baby (What A Lovely Way Of Sayin' I Want To Main Event With You): Guess what parents-to-be Triple HHH and Stephoney MacMahon-Taker-Test-Helmsley are having? A BABY!!! A big ITR "mazel tov" goes out to the happy newlyweds and wrestling's second-favorite power couple (behind only Bookie T and Charlene).

Some of you may not know this, but I am actually a proud father myself (well, you'd know it if you had BOUGHT MY DAMN BOOK). So as a public service to the MacMahons-Helmsleys, I thought I would pass along some fatherly advice that I like to call:

FATHERLY ADVICE

· If your child doesn't take to breastfeeding right away, switch to Y J Stinger.

· Get Motorhead to compose a lullaby.

· Only play "Got Your Nose" with the kid if you're willing to suffer the consequences.

· Don't panic if your child has trouble sleeping through the night at first. The child may need a new diaper or a new gimmick.

· Encourage your child to be anything he or she wants to be when they grow up, be it a wrestler, booker OR referee.

· Just because your baby has gas, it does not mean your baby is on the gas.

· It's called a "temper tantrum"; not a "heel turn".

· Don't let the kid ANYWHERE near Grandpa. Or, for that matter, Uncle Naitch.

· Remember, your child will NOT sleep better after a "quick pedigree".

· Acceptable bedtime stories include "Goodnight Moon", "I'll Love Your Forever", "Green Eggs and Ham", and "How We Beat WCW In The Monday Night Wars".

· Make sure you child isn't afraid of the boogeyman by bringing him home one night to meet the kid.

· A pacifier is fine while teething; a sledgehammer, not so much.

· Forget "Baby Einstein" and "Baby Van Gogh"; try "Baby Sammartino" instead.

· Encourage playtime at an early age, as it fosters social interaction, independence and the ability to hold other kids down.
 

Might former ECW Television Champion Terry "Bamm Bamm" Bigelow be headed on his way back to WWE? NO!!!

Eight Is Enough - Coming soon to ITR.

Mama Said Job You Out: Ex-WWE superstar Sheldon Benjamin (he's still with WWE, but he's no longer a superstar!) has been winning matches lately like they're going out of style. And who does he have to thank for it? His hot mama, that's who!

Only it's not really his mama! The role is ACTUALLY being played by a former sitcom star ("Gimme A Break"'s Nell Carter)! And soon his father (Geoffrey from "French Prince of Belair") will show up and start beating up Shelton for no discernible reason! And then Sheldon will find out he's adopted! And his real parents will be Mae Yung and Mean "Gene" Okerfeld! From a fling they had at Wrestle Mania Two! And it will be the best storyline ever!

EVER!!!

Mexi-Canned: World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. LLC has amicably agreed to part ways with former Little Heavyweight Champion Juventud Guerrero. He's wished the best in his future endeavors.

For those of you who don't remember his zany antics, here's a brief bio of young Juventud (pronounced "Jew-vun-tid").

· May 2002: Debuts in the old WCW. Wrestles Roy Mystereo Junior approximately every six days.

· June 2003: Fired from WCW because he's found running around naked in the nude in Australia, which led to WCW losing to Monday Night Wars.

· May 2005: Hired by WWE as part of ECW "invasion" angle at WWE Presents ECW Presents WWE's ECW's One More Night PPV. Runs out and says "You want a war? You got one!", only no one can understand what he's saying.

· June 2005: Debuts, along with Psychotic and Super Nutty as part of the MexicoMcCools stable, riding to the ring on tractors.

· January 2006: Pyrofalkon, OO's token "Byte Me" recapper, fails to write his shitty little column for TWO WEEKS IN A ROW!!!

In closing, I think we can all agree that Pyrofalkon is a wad!!!

A Man Called Stink: NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits and Ass) fans have been overjoyed to learn that the logos for Stink, Stink's wrestling clothes and Stink's facepaint weren't placed on TV in recent weeks by accident. It turns out that Stink is Moooooooooooooooooooving??? (Obscure Bulldog Reference #29137a) over to everyone's favorite minor league promotion (besides ROH).

Look for T&A "World" Champion Double Jeff Jarrod to complain that Spike Dudley TV is trying to ruin his 15-year strangehold over the title by bringing the hot free agent in. Then, in a move shocking only to announcers Mike Tenney and Ron West, Stink will turn on The Christian's Cage and join forces with Jarrod!

Is this the type of hot angle that will help T&A become a serious competitor to WWE? BANK ON IT!!!

As you all know by now unless you're idiots, WWE figurehead promoter Vince MacMahon has been searching high and low for a new GM for Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw. And I know who it is!!!

But instead of just telling you, I thought I'd provide you with an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript of the telephone conversation I had recently with this dynamic individual. What follows may not be reprinted, ever.

CB: Hello, is this is the new GM?

GM: Well, this is a new GM dealership… how can I help you?

CB: Could you answer a few of my questions?

GM: Sure.

CB: Question number one: Who do you think deserves a push?

GM: We don't push anyone around here - our sales approach is very low-pressure.

CB: Unless it's concering Triple HHH, I guess, then anything goes! But I'm talking about giving more exposure to the up and comers…

GM: Oh, I see what you mean. Well, you'll certainly want to check out the newest Saturn.

CB: NO THANK YOU! If he's still doing the "crazy" gimmick where he carries that damned Broom around, I don't want any part of it!

GM: Ooooookay, then. What about trying out the Kia Amanti?

CB: I don't know anything about that luchadore shit! What else have you got, Mr. New GM?

GM: Uh… dealership. We're a new GM dealership. What else have I got here? Perhaps we could get your into a Chevy Avalanche?

CB: OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE! WE'RE DOING TEN-YEAR-OLD DUNGEON OF DOOM ANGLES NOW? Do you at least have The Monster Ming in there somewhere?

GM: Look, kid, I don't know what you want. Perhaps you'd rather come in for a test drive?

CB: Ugh. I don't think so! Does he still have his "Testicles"?

GM: Does who still have his testicles?

CB: You're using Who? Jim Nighthart in a mask? Jesus F. Masters -- why can't you come up with something that happened after 1996?

GM: BECAUSE WE MOSTLY DEAL IN USED VEHICLES!!!

CB: See, that's the problem with your New GM's…

GM: New GM DEALERSHIP! You keep leaving that part out!

CB: See, you NEVER listen to the fans! That was the same problem with Bischov!

GM: WHO?

CB: NO, NOT WHO!!! ERIC BISCHOV!!! THE GUY WHO RAN THIS PLACE BEFORE YOU TOOK OVER!!!

GM: You mean Doug?

CB: LOOK, CALL HIM WHATEVER YOU WANT!

GM: You have completely lost me here…

CB: Thanks for the compliment!!!

GM: Uh, you're welcome?

CB: Don't mention it. Also - This Interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up phone)

GM: Damn, that felt like a sale.

Remember, if you know of a person, place or inanimate object for me to interview, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com

Finally, following a four-week hyatus hyattus hiatice break, I bring you the return of… collectable ITR trading cards!!! Here are five new ones to add to your collection:

 

Well, that about does it for this week. I'll be back again next week with a little something I like to call… A LITTLE SOMETHING!!! And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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