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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Bilingual Bulldog 

January 19, 2005

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Now it's 1998 and the American dream lives on in Minnesota 'cause we shocked the world! Not only are we going to New Hampshire, we're going to South Carolina… and Oklahoma… and Arizona… and North Dakota… and New Mexico… and we're going to California! And Texas! And New York! And we're going to South Dakota! And Oregon! And Washington! And Michigan! And then we're going to Washington, D.C., to take back the White House!" 
     -- Former U.S. President 
              Jerry "The Body" Ventura.
 
 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SEXUALLY DEVIANT edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm leadership hopeful Canadian Bulldog, and we've got tons to get to this week, so let's hop right to it! But first, a quick poll:

Who would be the best leader for Canada?  

 
(A)         Paul "Totally Corrupt" Martin
(B)        
"Canadian Destroyer" Stephen Harper
(C)        
Jack "Yeah, Right" Layton
(D)        
That Whiny French Dude
(E)        
Canadian Bulldog
(F)        
Yes

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (Motto: "Kind of like The Onion, only much, much, less funny"). Who knows - it may count as an actual vote?!? And here's how you all voted in our most recent poll:

Why is John Ceno getting booed so much lately?

Because the fans are jealous - 0 %
Because the fans are stupid - 2 %
This must be the introduction to the Opposite Sketches - 11 %

They're just saying "Boo-urns" - 26 %
Yes - 59 %

Oh, and I was serious about what I said earlier (the leadership thing, that is, not the sexual deviant part, although… who's kidding who here?).

I am using this column, appropriately enough, to publicly announce that I am running to become the next Prime Minister of Canada!!! Not sure when the election is, exactly, but I'm sure there will be plenty of time to tour all six of our country's fine states (no thank you, Manitoba!).

So in an attempt to appease both the French Canadian frogs and the other, more normal-speaking Canadians who read this column, I am going to write ITR this week in both English and French, an Oldline Onslut first! Would, say, Pyrofalkon do something like this for his "readers"? I don't think so! And why? Because (say it all together now)... PYROFALKON IS A WAD!!!

And now, onto the news:

Il ne suce pas: l'Ancien Héros Olympique Kur Tangle a fait l'une chose la semaine dernière que l'a échapper à sa carrière entière -- il a gagné un championnat de lutte!

Chercher l'Angle pour combattre le Chocolat de Marque Sexuel dans un feuilleton de ***** les rencontres d'étoile pour lequel. Visser quel Dave Meltzer pense-t-il, ceci était la meilleure allumette jamais!

JAMAIS!!!

What the HELL is ThEdge's problem these days? One day, he's a young up-and-coming babyface without a care in the world… and now, three years later, he's just a jerk, sleeping with whoever he wants, stealing other people's catchphrases and attacking certified legends like Nature Guy Ricky Flare.

Let me tell you something, PAL. An attitude like that may win you the respect of "marks" like Jeb Tennyson Lund, but it's not going to win you the one thing you need most at this stage in your career: a world championship!!!

Tout le monde fera dans NWA T&UN (de Lutte Nationaux d'Alliance les Mésanges et l'Ane) est partant la compagnie peu aprés il est déterminé que Double Jeff Jarrod vraiment possède la chose et l'utilisation entières sont son pouvoir pour tout le monde retenir ? COMPTER SUR LUI!!!

Oldline Onslut Obscure Wrestling-Related Reference Of The Week: OO reader dino316@yahoo.com writes: "Hey, Bulldog. I just checked out the video on wwe.com where Tim White hangs himself. And then I remembered that my girlfriend also hung herself! Wow, what a painful memory…"

Canadian Bulldog's True Wrestling Stories? Eight Is Enough? What do these things mean? YOU'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH!!!

Si vous voulez lire quelque chose vraiment s'intéressant, pourrais-je suggérer que vous essayez ce livre hors ? Il vraiment est le meilleur cadeau vous pouvez donner un ventilateur de lutte, et tous bénéfices ne vont pas à la charité.

Reliable sources are reporting that former U.S. Champion Orlando Hudson will be given the old "homosexual stereotype" gimmick, as this was apparently the critical element that was missing in Friday! Night! Smack! Down becoming a credible program again.

Look for Orlando to start wearing frilly pink dresses! And then the "injured" (coughcoughWORKcoughcough) Deacon Bautista will think that he's really Melita and start to make out with him! And then Bautista will shout "Sweet Jesus, she's got a penis!". And this will cause Sexual Mark Chocolate to run out and say "Dude, that was my line!" and then he'll proceed to make out with China! And then Goal Dust will start watching gay porn, such as when Biggie Van Vader fell on his ass! And then this will cause Lennie and Lodey to run to the ring and start dancing for no apparent reason! Which will incite the reunited 2 Cool (not the rapper version, but the original gay ones), who will be calmed down when Reeco makes his return to WWE and gives them both haircuts (wink wink)!  But Reeco is just distracting them so that they won't notice the return of Billey and Chuckey, who won't interest anyone except for Cory Harris! And it will be the best homosexual fantasy ever! 

EVER!!!

Anciens assez d'étoile et l'employé de WWE Durs Matt Morris a été arrêté dans Kentucky récemment quand il a été attrapé faire semblant d'être l'officier de police. Il aurait dû dire qu'il était juste faisant un segment de parodie, comme quand Degenerated X a imité La Nation De Domination.

Momma Mia: Recently, I had the chance to sit down and interview over the telephone fast-rising WWE superstar Sheldon Benjamin's Momma. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript, which may not be reprinted unless you agree to send money to the destitute Matt Hocking:

CB: Momma?

SBM: Bulldog? That you, baby?

CB: It sure is. Mind if I ask you a few questions for my column?

SBM: Oh, you're still pretending to write that little wrestling column? How cute!

CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number one: Did you ever have sex with Visceria?

SBM: Did I WHAT? Don't you think that's kind of an inappropriate question to be asking your momma?

CB: Hey, if the Hollywood Writer Monkeys™ can throw it out there, I figure it's fair game. So, sex with Visceria - what about it?

SBM: You should probably get your doctor to check that out. Ooh, I hate having to talk about this kind of thing with you. Your father was always so much better at this.

CB: Hey, so was MY dad! Unfortunately, he left my momma and I about ten years ago, and I never heard from again…

SBM: Twelve years ago, actually.

CB: Question number two: What makes your boy Sheldon such a big deal?

SBM: You mean Sean, right? Honey, I can't believe you forgot his name - we've been seeing each other for six years now!

CB: Well, Good Ol' JR Ewing probably just mixed up his name on Raw and I followed suit. Okay, what makes Sean such a big deal?

SBM: He's terrific! He actually cares about me, and doesn't need to go drinking and skirt-chasing every Saturday night with his friends, like your father used to do.

CB: Hey, my dad used to do that as well!

SBM: And who knows? He may become your father one day.

CB: SEAN BENJAMIN, MY FATHER? I DON'T THINK SO!!!

SBM: Actually, his last name is DiPasquale. You must be really confused. Did you remember to drink your juice today?

CB: Nah, my stupid mother forgot to remind me that it was in the fridge…

SBM: That's it! THIS INTERVIEW… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up phone)

CB: What is it with mothers always hanging up on people? Geez! But, hey, that reminds me: I need to drink my juice. Ain't no stoppin' me… NOW!!!

If there's anyone out there you want me to interview, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. No unreasonable requests refused!

Finally, here are five BRAND NEW, randomly-inserted ITR trading cards for you all to enjoy and possibly post in your locker:

Well, that about does it for this week. Next week, we continue on a yearly tradition as I bring you ~OMG SPOILERS!!! from the 37th annual Rumble Royale!!! Or, I'll just forget to do that and write something entirely different!!! You just never know with me, and THAT'S why I should be your next Prime Minister.

So when you go to the polls on January the Somethingth, don't waste your vote on Some Jerk Who Will Make A Lot Of Weak Campaign Promises And Possibly Keep Some Of Them. Vote for me instead!!!

"Canadian Bulldog For Prime Minister: BANK ON IT!!!"

Se rappeler, si vous l'avez entendu ici premier, c'est… Dans Les Cordes!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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