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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Back to the Future III 

January 26, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Who wants to be my friend?" 
     -- HI-DAN-RIKE, on the unemployment line, 2006. 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SEMI-CLAIRVOYANT edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, and you're not!

As you all know unless you're idiots, this weekend World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Incorporated Corporation 

Incorporated will present its 37th annual Rumble Royale paper-view spectacular.  

You may recall how last year, due to the groundbreaking technology known as Multidimensionalizedtransportationism, I traveled slightly into the future to report the results to you DAYS before the show actually aired!!! The year before that, I did the exact same thing!!!

While I never actually watched either PPV event afterwards, (I figured, why spend good money when you already know what's going to happen?) I have to believe that I actually hoisted Deacon Bautista over the top rope to win the whole match, because you just can't make shit like that up.

Now, I know what you're all thinking (besides, "Didn't this jackass jump ship to World Wrestling Insanity? The hell is he still doing here?"): you're thinking that I'll appear from nowhere at the end of the match and win again. I am telling you right now - NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!!

So won't you please hop into the Multidimensionalizedtransporter with me? Destination: Rumble Royale 2005. Er, I mean 2006!

 


 

The first bout takes place on Internet Heat and features ThEdge losing his Spinning World Title to John Ceno in a **** match of the year candidate, with Ceno hardly getting any jeers at all. This could be because they haven't let anyone into the arena yet. Or because he pulled Leeta's shirt off. Or because ThEdge was seen in an earlier vignette beating up The Pope. Anyways, post-match, Ceno busts out one of his little poems: 

"I regained this here belt for all the fans who like to boo me,
You all hate me so much, I bet you'll try and sue me,
And now that I'm champ, you'll find out about the 'true' me,
The one who makes lame jokes about gay sex and poo me.

Did you all see how I threw ThEdge off track?
All I had to do was feel up Leeta's rack,
Mike Hardy
backstage almost had a heart attack,
But I don't really care, because The Champ… IS… BACK!"

This leads into the opening vignette with The MacMahon Family, all wearing period costumes as they have been in the commercials:

Vince MacMahon: Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio - a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath bore me on his back a thousand times, and now how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here hung these lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar?

Shane MacMahon: Actually, pops, I'm not Horatio. Also, you're supposed to be Caesar, not Hamlet.

Vince MacMahon: Screw you - you're FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!

Shane MacMahon: Now cracks a noble heart. Good night, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

We are LIVE! from the sold-out Whatever Town This Is In Arena, with Joe E. Styles, Coach Man, Jerry "The King" Lawyer, Tazzzzzzzz, Michael Coal and possibly Kevin Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!) calling the action.

We then go down to the ring for The Boogerman versus John "Breadshaw" Lagerfeld. Before the match, JLB gets on the mic and says how he is a "Wrestling Dog" and how it's a good thing that Canada has elected the Republicans… er, I mean Conservatives, to lead the country into the 20th century.

And then… The Boogerman doesn't show up! Is he really a-scared of JLB, the way the announcers keep insiniutating insinituating ensinuating saying on Friday! Night! Smack! Down? Or… is he just building up excitement for his eventual entrance?

Neither scenario holds true. Remember how he ate Jillian Hart's mole off her face, and Tazzzzz said it was "cancerous"? Turns out he wasn't joking. Boogerman has two months to live (which was reduced to one month after he shattered the clock over his head) and Lagerfeld wins by forfeit.

Backstage, we see the Smack! Down locker room talking about their chances of winning the big battle royale later on.

"Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera: (Oops, I should point out that I wrote some of this column several months ago in preparation for the big event.) Yo, esse! I can't wait to win the Rumble Royale tonight, holmes, so that I can face my best friend Bow-tista at WrestelMania!

Roy Mysterio Junior: I'm glad you and I have put behind us that fairly-recent angle where you tried to take my son away from me. Now I can move on to bigger and better things, such as jobbing to Sexual Mark Chocolate.

The Christian: Yeah, well if I don't win tonight, I may just pack up and start over again in some shitty minor-league promotion like NWA T&A (National Wrestling Tits and Ass).

Bobby Lashleroux: I sure hope I win tonight, if in fact I've joined the active roster by now.

Deacon Bautista: Good luck tonight, guys. I sure hope I'm not injured these days, because that would really suck.

Speaking of sucking, it's time for former Olympic hero Kur Tangle to defend his Undisputed Other World Title against Sexual Mark Chocolate (with Duhvari). Unfortunately, Mark has eaten The Boogerman backstage, and (accidentally) contracted his mole-itis, and has been told by a doctor that he only has three months to live. On a positive note, this means WWE can weasel out of its 10-year contract with him early!

Back to the ring, it's time for hot action between Mickey Jane and Diva Search Slut Ashley, with WWE Girls Champion Tritch Stratus as your special guest referee.

But before the match can begin, Mickey grabs Tritch for a little "good luck French kiss"! And then Ashley wants in, and she starts slowly pulling off Tritch's top! And then Candice Cameron comes to the ring, waves her magic wand, and does her "Yo, Daddy!" dance, naked… on Mickey's crotch! And then Torrie Watson starts slathering hot oil all over her dog for some reason! And then Queen Vicktoria begins pleasuring herself, while crying "I deserve so much better than this"! And then all the women begin rubbing each other! And groping themselves on the ass! And licking Y J Stinger off each other! And it's best lesbian match ev… ev… ev…

EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

(Sorry, I'll be back in a minute. Let's head backstage, where some familiar faces are busy talking strategy…)

Hacksaw John Duggan: When I get my two-by-four in the ring, it's lights out for everyone, tough guy! Hoooooooooo! U-S-A! U-S-A!

The Iran Sheik: Iran, number one! Russia, number one! USA - hock, ptooey!

Millionaire Man Teddy Beassey: Everyone has a price for the Millionaire Man. Ahahahahahahahaha!

Hal Kogan: Oh, I'd like to bust you up real good!

Millionaire Man Teddy Beassey: Oh yeah? See Virgil!

Cocoa Beware: If you only knew, what I'm gonna do to you. You'd be runnin' outta here as fast as two feet could carry you…

Ron Conway: I can't wait to eliminate all you WWE Legends tonight!

Hal Kogan: WWE Legends? What are you talking about, brother? Bulldog wrote this part of the column in 1990.

Bad Boss Man: This punk needs to be servin' hard time!

… aaaaand I'm back now. Where was I? Oh, yeah, main event time. Ring the bell!

"You… look… sooooo… good to me…"

Styles: Welcome, everyone, to the match we've all been waiting for. And that music can only be for one person, it's Canadian Bulldog! He chose number one this year, Tazzzzzz!

Tazzzzzz: That's right, Cole. Let's see if this guy can last the whole match.

Styles: Actually, I'm Joe E. Styles. Remember you used to beat me up in the ECW locker room all the time?

Tazzzzzz: Quiet, Cole. Let's see who chose number two.

"I'm an ass man! (Duh Duh) Oh, I'm an ass man! (Duh duh) Yaaaa…"

Styles: That music can only be for one person: Pyrofalkon! He and Bulldog have a legitimate rivalry that goes back six months or so.

Tazzzzzz: That's right, Cole. These guys just don't like each other. And I hear that Pyrofalkon is a wad!!!

Styles: He sure is. Also, I'm Joe E. Styles. And right off the bat, Canadian Bulldog is waffling Pyrowad with his best-selling book!

Tazzzzzz: It's a great book, Cole, but unfortunately, it weighs all of four pounds. Pyro isn't selling it at all!

Styles: It's Styles!!! And you're right, Pyrofalkon isn't reacting to the book shots! He's fighting back! And… and… OH MY GOD! We have the first elimination of the evening!

Tazzzzzz: I can't believe it, Cole. Both of Canadian Bulldog's boots touched the floor. He's out of here!

BZZZZZT!

"Ain't no stopping me… NOWWWWW!"

Styles: And here comes number three, just in time to beat the ever-loving snot of Pyrofalkon. It's none other than Sheldon Benjamin…

…'s Momma!

Tazzzzzz: It would have made more sense to have her kid enter this thing, but I guess it doesn't matter, because Pyrofalkon has been eliminated.

Styles: That's correct, partner. Pyrofalkon, thrown to the ground like the wad he is, leaving Momma ready for the next competitor.

BZZZZZT!

"The world's fattest love machine…"

Styles: It's Visceria! And he can't wait to be in there with Mrs. Benjamin, what with them both being African-American and everything!

Tazzzzzz: That's right, Cole. What a rocketbusta this is! This could be one of the greatest moments in Smack! Down history.

Styles: Well, actually, they're on Ra… you know what? You're probably right. This COULD qualify as one of the greatest moments in Smack! Down history. Momma is trying to hoist Visceria over the top rope… and no luck! Looks like it's time for number four to enter.

BZZZZZT!

"Generic Latin Music"

Styles: Here comes one half of the MexicoMcCools, Psychotic! I'm sure he'll do great, or at least give me the opportunity to shout words like "In-a-sa-guree!" a half-dozen times.

Tazzzzzz: He's going right after Sheldon Benjamin's Momma, Cole.

Styles: In-a-sa-guree! In-a-sa-guree! In-a-sa-guree!

Tazzzzzz: It was a dropkick, Cole.

Styles: Fuck you.

BZZZZZT!

"Generic Celtic Music"

Styles: Look who's in now. It's Fat Finley!

Tazzzzzz: Her name is "Sheldon Benjamin's Momma", I'm sure she could do without all the fat jokes, Cole.

Styles: No, no, no. I'm not talking about the 300-pound black woman in the mu-mu. I'm referring to the 65 year-old Irish guy with the crewcut!

Tazzzzzz: Ah, good old traditional wrestling… it doesn't get any better than this, Cole.

BZZZZZT!

"Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo - cough - ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Styles: Entrant number seven is none other than Nature Guy Ricky Flare.

Tazzzzzz: Why's he bleeding already, Cole? He hasn't even made his way to the ring yet!

Styles: It's just what he does. And look at this -- Flare is making out with Momma Benjamin!

Tazzzzzz: Actually, he's just chopping her. But it's getting Visceria jealous, as he's trying to eliminate the Nature Guy.

BZZZZZT!

"I'm gonna git you… suckaaaaaaaa!"

Styles: Look who's in next, it's the five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time somethingorother Bookie T!

Tazzzzzz: I just want to know what Orlando Hudson is doing out there at ringside, standing behind Bookie T like that and hugging him.

Styles: I don't think he's hugging him, Tazzzzzzz.

Tazzzzzz: Aw, man! You gotta be kidding me, Cole.

Styles: Afraid not. But now both Bookie and Orlando have been eliminated. For some reason.

BZZZZZT!

"Wellllllll… It's The Best Show!"

Styles: Here comes the largest athlete in the world, The Best Show!

Tazzzzzz: And there he goes, Cole. Sheldon Benjamin's Momma has already eliminated him!

Styles: And look - Flare eliminated Psychotic when he reversed the in-a-sa-guree and countered with an in-a-sa-guree of his own.

Tazzzzzz: You mean a punch?

Styles: Yes.

BZZZZZT!

"GONG!"

Styles: Look who's number eleven - it's none other than The Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To.

Tazzzzzz: I can't believe it, Cole! Ordertaker just glanced at everyone and they all leapt out of the ring at the same time. Amazing!

Styles: Everyone except Sheldon Benjamin's Momma, that is. She's still in there, and they seem to be having some sort on discussion in the ring.

Tazzzzzz: If Taker ends up fighting her at Mania, I am SO out of here…

BZZZZZT!

"BOOM!"

Styles: By hellfire and brimstone, it's The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain! He and Ordertaker have had their share of issues in the past…

Tazzzzzz: What are you talking about, Cole? Kain is a superstar on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw. Taker is on Friday! Night! Smack! Down. When would they have possibly had the chance to hook up before?

Styles: How did you land this job anyways? Oh, look at this! Momma is trying to patch up the differences between Ordertaker and Kain! This is amazing!

Tazzzzzz: Amazing ain't the word I'd use for it, Cole. I'd prefer… "confounding" or perhaps "staggering."

Styles: Will you put your thesaurus down and focus on the match? It appears as though Momma is convincing the brothers not to fight.

Tazzzzzzz: Wow, they're raising each other's arms in victory. This is truly a "bravura" moment, Cole.

Styles: Wait, now Momma is attacking both brothers, and she's eliminated Kain!

BZZZZZT!

"Oh yeah! I can catch the tornado, I'm so pissed at Edge…"

Styles: Here comes Mike Hardy Version 2.0 For Windows! And just like that, he's been eliminated.

Tazzzzzzz: Who eliminated him?

Styles: Uh, does it really matter?

Tazzzzzzzz: Touché.

BZZZZZT!

"HEY! Nothing you can SAY! This song ruins my DAY! etc."

Styles: It's none other than Randy Orton! Orton! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!

Tazzzzzzz: Wait, isn't that Chris Masterpiece? They kinda look like before and after pictures of each other, Cole.

Styles: Hard to tell for sure - let's put them both in the match. Aaaaand… they've both been thrown over the top rope by The Ordertaker.

BZZZZZT!

"I love to stab people who aren't cool."

Styles: Entrant number sixteen is Charlita Caribbean Cruel. And right away, he's spitting apples in the face of Sheldon Benjamin's Momma.

Tazzzzzzz: That's a smart strategy, Cole, because…

Styles: Styles! STYLES! STYLES! STYLES!

Tazzzzzzzz: Fine, it's a smart style, Cole, because it takes his attention away from The Ordertaker for a little while.

Styles: (Sigh) can we please just move on to the next "bzzzzzzt"?

BZZZZZT!

"Who's that jumpin' from the sky? R-O-Y, Mystereo, even though he doesn't use this song any mo'…"

Styles: Here comes Roy Mystereo Junior! I love calling this guy's matches; they're so… so…

Tazzzzzzz: Effervescent?

Styles: I was going to say "not boring", but whatever. Here's a youngster is about to make waves in the WW…

Tazzzzzzz: He's gone, Cole.

Styles: WHAT?

Tazzzzzzzzz: Yeah, Momma just tossed him over the top rope.

Styles: The sad thing is, WWE's Hollywood Writer Monkeys™ will probably book something along these lines eventually…

BZZZZZT!

"Assorted music."

Styles: Here comes Coach Man, Paul England, Rod Van-Damme, Noonzio, Cid Cash, and Bryan "Speedy" Kendricks.

Tazzzzzzz: Uh… aren't they all supposed to be introduced one at a time, Cole?

Styles: Usually, yes. But this column is already ten typewritten pages, so Bulldog's cutting corners a bit.

Tazzzzzzzzz: And yet he finds room to shill his book?

Styles: That reminds me: Thanks for the compliment!!! Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!! is available now wherever you buy books. Or at least on the Internet somewhere.

Tazzzzzzzzz: It sure is, Cole. It suuuuuuure is.

BZZZZZT!

"OH, OH, SEAN! I think I'm cute, I know I'm sexy, they wrote a column, about me right here. I know the moves, that really move 'em, but no seriously, check out this column. I'm just a…"

Styles: Number twenty-three is The Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels!

Tazzzzzzz: Good thing Mister MacMahon has forgotten all about screwing him. Because I'm sure that won't be a factor here.

Styles: I, too, believe that. Hey look, McMichaels has just eliminated RDV. Because he's a petty, petty, man.

BZZZZZT!

"Doo doo doo doo DOO doo doo doo doo DOO! Doo doo doo doo DOO doo doo doo doo DOO! (Whiny voice) Well there's no holding me back, who am I kidding? I wish I was dead…"

Styles: Here comes The Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah! He's sure to make a big impact tonight!

Tazzzzzzz: Wow, Coach sure tossed him out pretty quickly.

BZZZZZT!

"Generic British Music."

Styles: Next one in is William Royal. Meanwhile, Paul England and Bryan Kendricks have eliminated each other!

Tazzzzzzzzz: Yeah, that's great. But isn't it kind of strange that, you know, Sheldon Benjamin's fuckin' mother is still in the ring?

Styles: The action has been so exciting here, I've hardly noticed!

BZZZZZT!

"Whatever M&M's music sounds like."

Styles: Next up are either the former or current tag team champions on Smack! Down (we're not sure) M&M.

Tazzzzzzz: And look at Melita's entrance, Cole! That's got to be the best entrance in the history of wrestling!

Styles: Well, I agree, except as soon as she slid in, Sean McMichaels superkicked her in the face.

Tazzzzzzz: Does that make Melita number 29?

Styles: Sure.

BZZZZZT!

"Time to play the game. Time to play the game. Muhuhuhuhaha… It's all about the game, and how ya play it. All about the Game, go to T&A if you can't take it…"

Styles: That means number thirty is… TRIPLE HHH! 

Tazzzzzzz: Wow, Cole. I have to give him his props, he is the greatest wrestler ever!

Styles: EVER!!!

Tazzzzzzz: Look at this, Cole. Triple HHH's moustache just eliminated Charlita, Coach, Noozio and Melita! I knew that thing was powerful!

Styles: And his sledgehammer pushed Cid Cash, M&M and William Royal out. Incredible!

Tazzzzzzz: Some would say "stupefying". And look -- we're down to the final four: Triple HHH, Sean McMichaels, The Ordertaker and Sheldon Benjamin's Momma.

Styles: Triple HHH is turning his sledgehammer into a machine gun! And he's just shot The Ordertaker through his heart, which according to the rulebook, means he's been eliminated!

Tazzzzzzz: I can't wait for his big comeback in two months time. Now we're down to three, Cole. It's "incogitable" to pick a winner here!

Styles: Um - Triple HHH?

Tazzzzzzz: Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too.

Styles: Look at this, Tazzzzzzz. Sheldon's Momma is taking her mask off, it's actually… it's actually… OH MY GOD!!!

Tazzzzzzz: Tell us who it is, Cole! Some of us aren't seeing this in person and are just reading about on the Internet!

Styles: It's Vince MacMahon! Vince MacMahon has been posing as Sheldon Benjamin's Momma this entire time!

Tazzzzzzz: Except they were on TV together like two weeks ago…

Styles: I can't believe it! MacMahon is going to screw HKB once and for all! Just like he did in Montreal to Bret "The Hit"…

Tazzzzzz: MacMahon's already been eliminated, Cole.

Styles: STOP CALLING ME COLE, YOU FUCKING MORON!!!

Tazzzzzzz: Now, it's down to Sean McMichaels and Triple HHH. I never thought I'd see the day where these two hooked up, Cole.

Styles: But… they… Ah, just kill me now.

Tazzzzzzz: Wait, who's that running into the ring??

Styles: It's… It's… Canadian Bulldog! Turns out he wasn't eliminated after all! Even though both his boots touched the ground -- his feet never did. Because they were tucked inside his boots the whole time!

Tazzzzzzz: Must be a new rule. Unfortunately, McMichaels and Triple HHH have already eliminated him again. And they took his boots off this time.

Styles: So they have. Better luck next year, Bulldog!

Tazzzzzzzz: And while we were busy looking up words in the thesaurus for "Bulldog", Sean McMichaels has been tossed out. Triple HHH wins the whole thing.

Styles: No, not yet. Wait a second -- Mister MacMahon has something to say!

Vince MacMahon: Hold on a second. No one's going anywhere. The night is not over yet. This is all about opportunity. And although ThEdge has already cashed in his "Money In The Bank" title shot, there's one person here who has a "BANK ON IT!!!" opportunity, because ThEdge clearly stole the catchphrase from him. So I introduce you, the 31st competitor tonight… Canadian Bulldog!!!

Styles: Canadian Bulldog? BANK ON IT opportunity? I thought that only worked for title matches?

Bulldog: Nope.

Styles: Well, Bulldog is back in the ring now, one on one with Triple HHH. Can the Criminal Assassin eliminate him cleanly here?

Tazzzzzzz: BANK ON IT!!!

Bulldog: Hey, I'm watching you!

Styles: Well, he should have been watching his opponent instead, because Triple HHH has lifted Canadian Bulldog up above his head and thrown him waaaaaay up in the sky. It's over! It's all over! Triple HHH is going to WrestelMania!

Tazzzzzzzz: Wow, what a celebration, Cole. Look at all that confetti falling from the sky.

Styles: Yes, and… wait, not all of that is confetti. One of those pieces looks kind of like… no, it can't be… it is… OH MY GOD! IT'S CANADIAN BULLDOG!!!

Tazzzzzzzz: And he's fallen right on top of Triple HHH, and somehow eliminated him from the match. Canadian Bulldog wins, Cole!

Styles: It's all over! Bulldog is going to WrestelMania to face John Ceno for the title. Or will it be Kur Tangle?

Tazzzzzzzzz: Probably neither.

Styles: Touché. Well, for Tazzzzzzzz, I'm Michael Cole… er, I mean Joe E. Styles. Good night, everyone!

(Oh, and just for the record: I didn't "appear from nowhere at the end of the match and win again." I showed up three other times before winning.)

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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