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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Comparing Wrestlers to Their
Cartoon Character Equivalents 

February 3, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

I'll admit it. I've been feeling left out.
 
Over the past two years, many of my esteemed colleagues here at Online Onslaught have produced a series of the funniest, most creative columns ever featured on this site. It began in March 2003, when Rocky Swift compared wrestlers and Japanese "challenge foods" (which he again revisited in August). Then we were treated to  

The Rick himself comparing wrestlers to booze. Cory "Born To Be My Apprentice" Harris was next with the inevitable comparing wrestlers to diseases column. Erin Anderson followed suit, tying in grapplers and gymnasts. Finally, there was the wrestler-musician comparison piece by Jeb Tennyson Lund.

But… what about me?

WHAT ABOUT BULLDOG?

Then I figured out which area may complement my fairly immature areas of expertise. When I started watching professional wrestling some 21 years ago (yeah, I'm an old fart), wrestlers were commonly referred to as "cartoon characters" because of their one-dimensional gimmicks, outrageous costumes and, well, probably because there WAS a Saturday morning cartoon show about wrestlers at the time.

But many modern grapplers now have stronger, more complex personas, due in no small part to the hard work of the Hollywood Writer Monkeys™. Thus, it would be hard to compare them with animated characters these days…

… OR WOULD IT???

Let's find out, shall we?

(Oh, and a quick disclaimer: A lot of the dates, names, etc. I looked up from the website wikipedia. So they're probably all incorrect.)

Enjoy.
 

Bugs Bunny

John Cena

Common characteristics: Once wildly popular, have grown stale and tired because of their clichéd actions.

Catchphrase:
"I musta taken a wrong toin at Albakoiky."
Catchphrase:
"My career musta taken a wrong turn somewhere."

Bugs, created during animation's "golden age" in 1940, burst on the scene with a relatively fresh Brooklyn accent, and his shtick was different than what a lot of the animation studios were cranking out at the time. He isn't the most honest of characters, taking shortcuts and playing outrageous pranks to win when necessary, but one constant was that Bugs almost ALWAYS looks superior against his foes. 

Now, about 65 years later, he's still doing the same gimmick. Every episode, you're going to get the requisite "Ehhhhhhh... What's Up, Doc?", the sudden costume changes, the corny jokes, and in the end, you know he's going to be chewing that damn carrot with a cocky smirk on his face.

Cena burst on the scene (several) decades later, during SmackDown's golden age, which most historians define as being "well before The Boogeyman". He, too, was different than other competitors on the scene at the time, and his Boston accent and innovative gimmick definitely helped get him over. 

Cena isn't a squeaky-clean babyface; he'll cheat to win when necessary, although usually only when provoked. And he's been booked so strongly against foes that Hulk Hogan would probably say "You need to start selling for your opponents a little, brother!".

And like his hare-brained counterpart, Cena does the same thing week in and week out. You're guaranteed to get a "The Champ... Is... HERE!!!", as well as the "You Can't See Me" hand gesture, a five-knuckle shuffle, and in the end, he's usually posing with that damned Spinning World Title and a cocky smirk on his face.

Little known fact: Though the producers often tried to downplay this fact, Bugs often got less cheers than Daffy Duck. And Porky Pig. And Yosemite Sam. And...
 

Gaston

Randy Orton

Common characteristics: Conceited to the nth degree, neither can be accused of stockpiling grey matter. Both have been successful because of their looks.

Catchphrase:
"I'm especially good at expectorating..."
Catchphrase:
"I spit in Mick Foley's face once."

If you've ever seen Beauty and the Beast, you'll recall that the notorious Gaston thought he was God's gift to the fairer sex. Men wanted to be like him, and women wanted to be with him. 

Books aren't Gaston's thing; he'd much rather spend time in the local tavern while his lackeys tell him how great he is. 

Astonished that Belle doesn't throw herself at him when he offers his hand in marriage, Gaston attempts to defeat a huge, snarling beast, but he ultimately gets outsmarted and is killed.

Young Randall also gets his fair share of ladies, though the only men who want to be like him are probably The Heart Throbs. And he's not above discussing his favorite subject -- himself. 

Unlike Gaston, Randy is an avid reader and ahahahahahahahaha - sorry, I couldn't type that part with a straight face.

But much like his cartoonish counterpart, "The Legend Killer" is astonished upon finding out that WWE's divas aren't throwing themselves at him when he lovingly shits in their gym bags. The nerve of those broads!

Finally, Randy threw himself at a snarling, hairy beast two years ago, but unlike The Beast, Mick Foley wasn't able to kill Randy. At least not yet.

Little known fact: In the "alternate ending" in Disney's Beauty and the Beast DVD, Gaston's father Bob Gaston Jr. distracts The Beast while Gaston delivers an RKO. Then he bleeds all over The Beast for some reason...
 

Incredible Hulk

Steve Austin

Common characteristics: Both are inherently destructive and trust no one but themselves

Catchphrase:
"HULK SMASH!"
Catchphrase:
"Austin 3:16 says I just smashed your ass!"

The Incredible Hulk first graced the cover of his very own Marvel Comic in May 1962. It was the story of Dr. Bruce Banner, a military scientist who was exposed to dangerous amounts of gamma radiation. 

The resulting exposure transformed Banner into Hulk, a man-monster capable of amazing feats of destruction. No one is safe from Hulk's massive rampages; he's basically a loner who doesn't trust anyone. Even the military wasn't safe from his wrath.

Stone Cold Steve Austin was born in December 1964, although his appearance in a Marvel Comic wouldn't take place until many years later (WCW Comics Issue # 13: "Sting Battles The Dangerous Alliance! Again!"). As Steve Williams, an ex-WCW grappler with modest success, he was exposed to dangerous Heyman radiation in 1995.

The ECW exposure transformed him into the foul-mouthed Texas Rattlesnake, who would rampage against faces and heels alike, and for Austin, "Don't Trust Anyone" was more than a T-shirt logo (it was also adorned on a beer cozy and a baseball cap). Even Vince McMahon wasn't safe from his wrath.

Little known fact: After weekly writing for The Incredible Hulk wraps up, Hulk often celebrates by having the crew toss him numerous "Hulkweisers".
 

Skeletor

Triple H

Common characteristics: Only goal in life is world domination.

Catchphrase:
"Now I, Skeletor, am Master of the Universe!"
Catchphrase:
"Dude, I'm already there."

Skeletor is the very symbol of evil, a blue-skinned, skull-faced warlord who rules Eternia with his sword and an iron fist.

He-Man is always in for trouble, whether he's been targeted by Skeletor himself or his hand-picked army of goons. Needless to say, Castle Greyskull is never safe when Skeletor is around.

Triple H is Vince McMahon's son-in-law.

Little known fact: Remember He-Man's ally Man-At-Arms? Gay.
 

Pepe Le Pew

Carlito

Common characteristics: They're the only ones in the world who think they're hot shit.

Catchphrase:
"I stink in the face of people who don' find me attractive."
Catchphrase:
"I spit in the face of people who don' want to be cool."

Pepé Le Pew debuted in 1945 and has pretty much been a one-note joke since then. Speaking in a comical accent, the fearless skunk strolls around Paris looking for love in all the wrong places. He's easily confused, getting turned on by a cat that happens to sport a stripe of white paint, and always ends up losing his lady love.

Carlito debuted in 2004 and is also seen as a one-note joke. He speaks in a comical accent and strolls around WWE looking for opponents in all the wrong places. As well, he once thought Chris Masters was a woman after The Masterpiece crawled under a freshly-painted white picket fence (long story).

Little known fact: Pepé isn't above spitting chewed-up bits of croissant in the faces of people who rub him the wrong way.
 

Big Moose

Chris Masters

Common characteristics: Really strong. Also, really dumb

Catchphrase:
"Duh... stay outta Riverdale."
Catchphrase:
"Duh... break my Masterlock"

Marmaduke "Big Moose" Mason is the very definition of a dumb musclehead. He often uses his strength to help Archie, Jughead and the rest of the gang win football games, lift heavy equipment at Pop Tate's Chocklit Shoppe, and pound the living shit out of Reggie or any other guy brave enough to mack on his best girl Midge. Yet when it came to schoolwork, Big Moose single-handedly lowers the grading curve in Miss Grundy's class.

Chris Masters is also, not coincidentally, the definition of a dumb musclehead. He often uses his strength to trap foes in his Masterlock and... well, not too much else, actually. Like Moose, he's also quite overprotective of his best girl Carlito (don't ask).

Little known fact: Dilton Doiley = Todd Grisham.
 

Elmer Fudd

Kurt Angle

Common characteristics: Um... I don't know, they're both bald?

Catchphrase:
"Be vewwwy vewwwy quiet."
Catchphrase:
"I'm an Owympic Gold Medawist. It's twue, it's damn twue."

Okay, I don't have much to go on here besides the baldness thing. 

Although... they both are subject to wild mood swings, alternating between being goofy and downright sadistic at points... And I could definitely see an Angle/Fudd vs. Cena/Bugs mixed tag team match being booked somewhere down the road... And didn't Elmer claim to once survive Wabbit Season "with a bwoken fweaking neck"?

Little known fact: Shelton Benjamin and His Momma compared to... wait for it... Granny Bird and Tweety? Huh? Huh? WELL, I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DO BETTER!!!
 

Charlie Brown

Chris Benoit

Common characteristics: Both receive little respect, despite a lifetime of loyalty and doing things the right way.

Catchphrase:
"Good grief!"
Catchphrase:
"Good grief! I don't even have a decent catchphrase!"

Charlie Brown was the product of Charles Schultz, debuting in the Peanuts comic strip in 1950. He's a perennial loser who never seems to get his just due. He exists solely to make others around him look good, including Linus, Peppermint Patty and Snoopy. Then, of course, there are all the times where Lucy is shown pulling the football away from poor Chuck at the last second.

Chris Benoit was the product of the Stu Hart Dungeon, debuting in Calgary in 1986. He's also a perennial loser, although he occasionally gets his just due. But sure enough, his main role in WWE to make others around him look good, be they Randy Orton, Booker T or The Boogeyman (it's coming, trust me). And who can forget how Triple H pulled the ball away from poor Chris just a few months into his big push? What a blockhead.

Little known fact: During their storyline, Kevin Sullivan encouraged Charlie to be seen with his former wife The Little Red-Haired Girl. Guess how well that turned out for The Taskmaster?
 

Mr. Burns

Mr. McMahon

Common characteristics: Extremely wealthy and powerful tyrants that enjoy seeing other people work under the cruelest of conditions.

Catchphrase:
"Who is this Homer Simpson fellow?"
Catchphrase:
"Who is this Chris Benoit fellow?"

Okay, like you didn't see THIS ONE coming...

Charles Montgomery "Monty" Burns is the 100-plus year-old owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, a company that exploits its workforce in pursuit of the almighty dollar. He has unlimited resources and accordingly, can do whatever he wants, whether it's turning Homer Simpson into his personal "prank monkey" or commanding his bootlick Waylon Smithers to moisten his eyeballs. Employees cower in fear at the mere mention of his name, and he kind of has a penchant for firing them.

Vincent Kennedy McMahon is the 60 year-old owner and Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, a company that exploits its workforce (see earlier paragraph). Vinnie Mac is a self-proclaimed billionaire, and thus can do whatever he wants, whether its surrounding himself with the hottest women or making William Regal kiss his ass. How does his employees respond to Mr. McMahon? Do the words "YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!!!" ring a bell?

Little known fact: Burnsie once sabotaged the merger of his beloved Power Plant and the rival Shelbyville Nuclear Power Plant, refusing to shell out for the most valued employees and putting his own workers (yes, even Lenny and Carl) in the top positions.



So there you have it. I'd love to do something like this again down the road. If you have any suggestions -- AND NO, NOT THE GLARINGLY OBVIOUS ONES, LIKE TAZ AND TAZZ, OR CHILLY WILLY AND CHILLY WILLY, OR PORKY PIG AND JIM ROSS -- drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com

And remember, if you heard it here first, it's... Inside The Ropes.

P.S. Eight Is Enough? Coming soon.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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