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INSIDE THE ROPES    
10 Simple Rules For Fixing My Fed,
Plus PPV Preview and LOTS MORE~! 

February 16, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Quite frankly, I strongly believe that Vince didn't screw Vince. The tanning salon employee screwed Vince." 
     -- WWE president Vince MacMahon
             Inside Edition, 2006.
 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and LARGELY POINTLESS edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Olympic hopeful Canadian Bulldog and we've got a ton to get to this week. But first a quick poll:

Why is WWE Exploiting Eddie Guerrera's Death?

 
(A) They need the money.
(B) How else do you push a guy like Mystereo?
(C) This is all leading to a "The Ordertaker brings him back to life" angle
(D) Who?
(E) Yes.

Be sure to register your vote at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: "Now 97 % dated material). And here's how you all voted last time:

Who should be the next leader of Canada?

(A) Paul "Totally Corrupt" Martin - 7 %
(B) "Canadian Destroyer" Stephen Harper - 0 %
(C) Jack "Yeah, Right" Layton - 0 %
(D) That Whiny Little French Dude - 19 %
(E) Canadian Bulldog - 46 %
(F) Yes - 26 %

And now, onto the news:

For weeks, we here at ITR (a division of BulldogCorp) have been hyping Eight Is Enough. Everywhere I go -- airports, shopping malls, massage parlors -- people are asking me what, exactly, is Eight Is Enough?

Some of you thought it was just a pipe dream. Others wondered what kind of impact it might have on the industry and, to a lesser extent, the environment. Others yet just didn't give a shit.

Well, for all of those people and more… Eight Is Enough is about to become a reality.

NEXT WEEK!!!

Stay tuned for details, you stupid marks lucky fans!

PeepAMania Is Rolling Wild: This past week at "Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now)" paper-view, The Christian's Cage realized his boyhood dream by winning the NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) "World" Heavyweight Title, even though it couldn't have possibly been his boyhood dream, because kids growing up in Orangeville, Ontario never saw that NWA crap on television.

But I digress. While I've spent the better part of three years knocking the kids at T&A, The Notorious D.O.G. has to give them their just due. They now have a well-known (e.g. someone who has his own action figure) superstar as their champion, and Spike "Dudley" TV has just announced that come April, the promotion will have a regular prime time slot on Thursday nights.

With that in mind, I've come up with a list of ten things T&A needs to do to become a viable competitor. I call this list:

TEN THINGS T&A NEEDS TO DO TO BECOME A VIABLE COMPETITOR

1) Fire announcers Mike Tenney and Donald West. They're fine if you just want to appeal to geeky fanboys like Cory Harris of Waldorf, Maryland (that reminds me, I wonder what Johnny ITR is up to these days?), but if you want REAL viewers, hire Serious Satellite Radio personalities Tazzzz and Mitchell Coal.

2) Enough with this Samoan Joe crap. Think what they could do with a high-profile talent like Boogie Man.

3) All these flip-floppy little cruiserweights are great, but imagine the potential of a bunch of masked midgets?

4) I understand that "The Phenom" B.J. Styles and That Priest Guy are having a little feud right now. That's super, but perhaps they should play this out in a best of seven series. And what if… they had "substitute wrestlers" take their place, such as Chris Benwah and Bookie T?

5) The front office should order Roaddog Jamie James to die (drugs or something). Then they could have Conan come out and cut promos saying he's really in hell, which would incite his storyline brother Billy James to retaliate because HE'S supposed to go to hell instead. INSTA-FEUD!!!

6) Instead of having Jackie Gaydar come out and bitch every week about Double Jeff Jarrod raping her or somesuch, why not turn her into the manager of… M&M? Then fire her and hire Melita.

7) Why use "The Leaping Legend" Lenny Zybysko as figurehead commissioner when Palmer Carson and T.D. Long are so much better in that role?

8) Repackage The Abyss as a fitness-guru character.

9) Have Mike "I'm not pretending to be HBK at all; no sir" Bentley proclaim himself to be a "Wrestling God" and then hire some chick with a disfigured fa… oh, wait, he already has Tracey.

10) The Christian's Cage has been doing fine as champion so far, though his reign is starting to get a little stale. Why not have him drop the belt to Kur Tangle, who can then feud endlessly with Sexual Mark Chocolate?

There you go. If Jerry Jarrod's illegitimate daughter Daisy Carter needs any more booking advice, you know where to find me.

Which former WCW headliner recently made a thrilling comeback on the indie circuit? If you find out, please let me know.

MTV is now involved with wrestling? WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN? The upstart music network has hired Shawn "Ex-Pack" Whitman, Jason Credible, Vampireo and A Bunch Of Other People No One Else Wanted To Use Anyways to create its own little wrestling federation. So long as this leaves room on the channel for the upcoming show "Blowin' Up" starring Jamie Kennedy and ITR correspondent Stuart Stone -- I'm still a happy Bulldog.

And now onto the REAL wrestling news:

What the HELL has gotten into Vince MacMahon lately? One minute, he's a happy-go-lucky announcer on Superstars of Wrestling, and the next thing you know… he's DEMANDING that "Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels retire!!!

Sure, maybe HKB is past his prime and -- I'll go out on a limb and say it -- old as dirt, but shouldn't HE be the one to decide when he's "lost his smile" for the business? Perhaps Vincie Mac should lay off The Showstopper and instead focus on what he does best -- pulling items out of prosthetic asses.

As you all know unless you're idiots, we are just FIFTEEN DAYS away from WWE's next paper-view spectacular, "Norway Out". What follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what you can expect to see:

Main Event
Kur Tangle
(w/ Duhvari) vs. The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To

While it's true that these two sexy titans have faced off in the past, never before has the Undisputed Other World Title been at stake. Or maybe it has. Frankly, I can't keep track of stuff like that. Readers?

Roy Mystereo Junior vs. Randy Orton! Orton! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! (With special referee Eddie Guerrera looking down from the heavens)

Hey, don't you dare whine to ME about that joke -- WWE started it!

Originally, I was expecting "The Legendary Killer" to win this one (and I may lose a bet over it in the process), but now I'm thinking World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Incorporated Limited doesn't like him anymore now that they've amicably agreed to part ways with his diseased dad Father! Father! BAH GAWD, FATHER!!! So now the smart money goes to this match ending in a double-countout.

Main Event
Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah
vs. Bookie T (w/ Charlene)

Nothing says excitement to me like scheduling the exact same match fifteen or sixteen times in a row.

Look for interference in this one from Bookie's best bisexual friend Orlando Hudson! And then after the match, Orlando will declare his unrequited love for Bookie, what with it being Valentine's Day and all! Okay, it won't be by the time you read this, but I was writing this part of the column on the fourteenth! And then Bookie will start making out with Orlando, which will confuse Charlene! And then Chris Canyon will run out and say "Do you guys really have to rip off everything?"! And then Benwah will say "enough with this shit, I'm jumping ship to T&A"! And then Orlando will say "Where do you think YOU'RE going, hot stuff?" And then Benwah will puke (not because he's homophobic, but because he has the flu)! And it will be the best storyline ever!

EVER!!!

Main Event
Bobby Lashleroux
vs. Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld (w/ Mole Chick)

Everyone is wondering about just how much potential this thrilling youngster has, and he's not about to let Bobby Lashleroux stand in the way of that.

Main Event
Boogie Man
, Mike Hardy Version 2.0 For Windows, Road Warrior Aminal, Funakey, Paul England, Bryan Kendricks, Bob "Hardwood" Holly, Noonzio, The MexicoMcCools, Scotty The Hotty and Stephen Richards vs. Sexual Mark Chocolate, Fat Finley, Gregory Helmsley, M&M, The Cocks, Dean Simon, The Jamini, Jimmy Noble, Kevin Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!), Cid Cash, Sylvain Grenouille, That Pirate Jerk and Steven Royal

Look for the team of to come out on top.

Now that ThEdge has been pushed right the hell out of title contention, will "The Rated E For Everyone Superstar" set his sights on former Hardcore legend Mick Farley? BANK ON IT!!!

BANK ON IT!!!, of course, meaning "yes, he will." Not trying to use anyone's stolen catchphrase or anything…

Recently, I had a chance to sit down and speak to Tritch Stratus' best friend in the world, none other than Mickey James. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript of our telephone conversation:

CB: Is this Mickey?

MJ: Ha ha, well it sure is, boys and girls.

CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number one: why have you been acting a little… I don't know, goofy lately?

MJ: Ha ha, well, Goofy and I have acted together in a lot of films, that's for sure.

CB: No, I mean… you know, a little dopey…

MJ: Ha ha, well, Dopey is one of my favorite of the Seven Dwarves. They're always fun to work with, boys and girls!

CB: You're not understanding me, and usually, it's the other way around during these things. I'm trying to say, you're acting like a mad hatter.

MJ: Ha ha, well, the Mad Hatter sure was a lot of trouble for Alice during his tea party, wasn't he, kids?

CB: All I'm trying to say is - your whole relationship with Tritch Stratus…

MJ: You mean Minnie, right?

CB: FINE, "Mini" Stratus, I don't know all the "kayfabe" terms, okay? WHY'S YOUR VOICE SO FREAKING HIGH, ANYWAYS??? I'm just trying to figure out why your relationship with her went from a Cinderella story to a whole "Lady and The Tramp" thing?

MJ: Ha ha, well…

CB: Never mind! Those are bad examples! What kind of a Mickey Mouse organization are you running here anyways?

MJ: --

CB: Forget it! This interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up)

MJ: See you real soon. Why? Because we like you.

 

If there's anyone you're DYING for me to interview, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com

Finally, here are five BRAND SPANKING NEW collectable ITR trading cards for you to enjoy:

 

Well, that about does it for this week. Make sure to tune in next week to find out everything you've ever wanted to know about "Eight Is Enough". And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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