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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Eight is Enough 

March 3, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Bulldog's Note: Perhaps I just haven't done enough here on this site to plug my book.  
 
That's the very thought I had a couple of months ago. Of course, I quickly realized that, if you've been reading Inside The Ropes with any regularity, you must be on crack (or at least, as dumb as Pyrofalkon) not to know about the existence of my self-published book, "Thanks for the compliment!!! Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!"    

 
While critics loved the book ("A literary masterpiece," writes The New York Times. "Now please give me back my children!"), sales are still down significantly this fiscal quarter. I'm thinking it's weather-related. Anyhoo… I attended a meeting in which my publishers (essentially, me) threatened to break someone's kneecaps (and here I'm thinking again of Pyrofalkon) if more copies weren't sold as soon as possible.

Then I thought: what better way to shill the book and annoy some mostly-innocent people at the same time, than to craft a BRAND-NEW column full of e-mails to wrestlers, wrestling personalities, and in one case, a kickboxer?

In case you're wondering: These aren't old exchanges I just yanked from the book (I believe there's one letter that initially ran in the book, but the wrestler's response is brand new). Almost all of these were written since the book made its impressive debut in July ("Best book ever! EVER!!!" writes The Saturday Evening Post. "Will you put down the gun now?").

If you already have the book, consider this like an "extras" section on the DVD. If you don't already have the book, well… read this and PLEASE hurry your ass over here to buy yourself a copy. It's GUARANTEED to make you laugh harder than you ever have before (notaguarantee). Also, you will lose up to 20 pounds, sleep sounder, and retain more memory after buying just 2 copies.

Enough with the infomercial! Let's get to the letters!!!


Dear Former Spike Dudley,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We met in Chicago three years ago during a meet and greet. You were very accommodating.

My question: You may be aware of these ECW ripoff shows that are all the rage right now. Ours, the "Extreme Homecoming" is a little bit different in that we give fans what they want to see. We are holding a show on February 14th at the Jeb Lund Center for the Performing Arts in Tampa and would like you to face (and put over) our Extreme Homecoming Brass Knux champion Matt "The Hock" Hocking.

What do you think? We think this would be a great opportunity for you to keep your name in the spotlight. Plus, Saboo won't return our phone calls. Please let me know ASAP.

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

 

     Sorry, I can't recall meeting you three years ago at a fan      appearance. I'm unavailable on 2/14.  Thanks for asking      though.

     Former Spike Dudley

 

Is it because of Valentine's Day?

 

     Awaiting reply…

 

 

Dear The Missing Links,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I saw you in action at the Thornhill Community Centre last year when you walloped some poor shmoe in the head with a chair.

My question: I have decided to enter the "squared circle" and will probably win the WWE Title someday. But I wanted to clear my ring name with you: I want to call myself Missing Link Junior.

My gimmick, like yours, is that I'm mentally challenged. I already have the male-pattern baldness thing going, so copying your hairstyle isn't a problem. And instead of using green war paint on my face, I'm thinking red.

I trust this is okay with you? I am in NO WAY asking for the rights to YOUR name or likeness; I just want to carry on the grand tradition of your character. Possibly an action figure as well.

Thanks in advance. As you can tell, I was a pretty big Missing Link mark back when you were popular.

Peace, out,

Canadian Bulldog

     HI BULLDOG

     My son JASON is already doing MISSING LINK JUNIOR. he has      wrestled 10 years already

     ALL THE BEST
    
DEWEY ROBERTSON
    
THE MISSING LINK

 

Thanks for the compliment!

I hope your son and I aren't going to have to fight over the name!

Cheers,
Bulldog/Missing Link Jr.

     Awaiting reply…

 

 

Dear Rick Styner,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I used to be a card-carrying member of the "Dudes With Attitudes" back in the day.

My question: I understand you are in the real estate business these days. I was wondering if you could sell my property in Lansing, Michigan? I'm tired of being both an American and Canadian Bulldog (if you catch my drift).

The house itself is gorgeous -- three bedrooms, over-sized kitchen, fireplace and nice backyard. The only problem is that the place is haunted.

No, I am not "ribbing you". We thought the previous owner was just crazy, and then we began hearing strange, creaking noises at all hours (and it's not Uncle Jeb, because we put him in a home recently). And every once in a while, when I am reading the newspaper in our sitting room, I will hear someone whispering "Get oooooooooout!". I thought at first this was my wife being "cute", but not so. The place is really haunted!

Anyways, what do you think? How much can we get for the place? I know you had a lot of big challenges back when you were a wrestler. This one could be just as big.

Peace, out,

Canadian Bulldog

     I would be glad to try and put your home on the market for you. Please email me back a number that I can reach you, so      that we may discuss some things.

Dear Mr. Steighner,

Thanks for the compliment. Before we proceed any further, there is one other caveat I must tell you about, to be perfectly up front about it.

In order to sell the house, one has to spend the night there first. I have NO IDEA why this is. The nutty old man who cleans the place informed me of this, and then told me that "you kids are up to no good." Regardless, that's apparently the stipulation. Also the burial ground "thing".

Please let me know ASAP if we can proceed. I do not want to live in this house one day longer!

Canadian Bulldog

     Awaiting reply…

 
Dear Combat Zone Wrestling School,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). Sent a query to your school a while ago but ended up going to some "other" facility that was closer to home. I guess it worked out okay in the end; I'm getting a tryout with ROH in April.

My question: This may sound a little "outside the box", but I am wondering if you folks are able to train my cat Owen for a career in the squared circle?

I'm being serious! The other day when I was coaxing her (she was originally born a "he", thus the name) off the dining room table, Owen jumped at me in what could be described as a picture-perfect cross body-block. It got me to thinking: what if I could take her act on the road?

I am NOT encouraging any cruelty to animals in the least. Owen would only face other cats in competition. I figure now that I've seen wrestling bears and wrestling dogs on the indy circuit, why NOT a wrestling cat? It would give a whole new meaning to the term "catfight".

Please let me know ASAP if your school could handle the training for this. I'm excited for my kitty to take the wrestling world by storm!

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

 

     Awaiting reply…

 

 

Dear Rakishi Phatu,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). We meet at a meet and greet in LA when you were still employed by WWE.

My question: I am now working as a senior salesperson for Diapers & Stuff Inc. My territory is Southern Ontario and parts of Maine.

We were thinking YOU would be the perfect salesperson for our new line of Adult Diapers given your years of prominence in wrestling wearing a thong.

It would be pretty simple: We'd have our photographers down to wherever you're residing these days, get a few pics of you in a pair of our XXL Dependables (we can't call them "Depends" for obvious legal reasons) and that's it. The ads would be published locally and if they take off, possibly throughout the region.

Anyways, please let me know ASAP if you're available to do this. Our other choice is just a generic sumo wrestler, but I don't think that has "dollar signs" all over it, you know?

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

 

     Please details. Sorry for the delay.....

 

Dear Mr. Phatu,

Thank you for agreeing to do this. Essentially, we would be booking a photo shoot on one of them Mexican beaches next month. You would be posing in our "XXL size Dependables" while pyrotechnics go off in the background. It would be state of the art.

Please advise us as to your availability next month, as well as any allergies to jellyfish, etc.

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

 

     Do you have a website of your company?

 

Our parent company has a small "web presence" at the following site. Please let us know if you have any questions/concerns.

Cheers,
Canadian Bulldog
D&S "Retailer of the Month", July 2005

            Awaiting reply…

 


Dear Daniel Pewder,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I voted for you to win Tough Enough III.

I represent a benefit group called "USA for Canada", which helps supply food, clothing and education to less fortunate families north of the U.S. border. We are looking for recording artists, actors, and yes, former professional wrestlers to record our new single "We Need The World". Jeb Tennyson Lund has agreed to help in this worthy cause. Don't ask what happened with Shamrock.

My question: we would like YOU to sing on our new single. Even if your singing voice is as off as I figure it might be, it doesn't matter. You can hum, talk, rap, whatever. We are thinking of the children first, not the egos or artistic merit of others.

Please let me know ASAP if we can count you in on this project. Canada is counting on you, Dan!

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

     Thank you for email Daniel Puder. He has been very busy      training for his new contract. Please check out      www.danielpuder.com for upcoming stuff... thanks

     Daniel Puder

 

 
Bulldog's Note: Okay, some explanation is required for this next section:

Last year, a kickboxing champion named Stefano asked ME (Canadian Bulldog) if I happened to have the email address of Mr. Fuji, so that The Warlord could get in touch with him. I have NO IDEA how I got dragged into this, but I figured anyone who thinks I have connections, deserves whatever they get.

So with that in mind, an email address was developed for The Diabolical One (master.fuji@gmail.com, in case you're wondering, which has a signature of "BANZAI!"). What follows is the exchange between "Fuji" and his former protégé:

 

Warlord-san! 

Fuji here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). My good friend, Canadian Bulldog-san asked me to get in touch with you.

How are you? Things are pretty much the same around here, up to my ass in ceremonial salt as usual. Actually trying my hand at promoting again and would love to have you on board for our next show. You would be in a scaffold match against our champion Jeb Tennyson Lund. Lund-san would obviously toss you over the scaffold to win.

You interested, Boy-san?

Let me know. Peace be with you,
Fuji

P.S. Have you heard from Barbarian-san lately?

 

     Hey Fuj

     Glad to hear from you! Everyone always ask me what happened      to you? I told them you became a monk. I'm glad to hear you      are well! I am very busy taking care of security for 3 clubs      and helping my brother with his cruise business.

     Fuj, I would come work for you in a second and if you need      your champ put over, no problem. Let me know. My cell number      is (PHONE NUMBER WITHHELD) and I have voice mail. Barb is      doing good, him and I were in South Africa together for a      week and a half against the Steiner Brothers that went very      well. Look forward to hearing from you and seeing you in the      future. Take care and have a Happy New Year!

 

Warlord-San,

Thank you for compliment. Things shaping up for our big Knoxville show Feb. 19th. You still interested, Boy-san?

Here is tentative lineup so far. Need to contact one more person still...


Mr. Fuji, in association with Fujiwara Enterprises, presents
FUJIPALOOZA 2006
Knoxville Armory  Sunday February 19, 2006

MAIN EVENT -- TRIPLE-THREAT SCAFFOLD MATCH!
Warlord vs. Jeb Tennyson Lund vs. Barbarian

TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
The New Bushwhackers vs. Matt Hocking and a partner TBA

REVERSE CHAIN ON A POLE MATCH
"The Web Master" Rick Scherer vs. Johnny ITR (w/ cane)

LOSER MUST RETIRE FOREVER!
Canadian Bulldog vs. Pyrofalkon The Jerk

Plus much, much more! Tickets ($5 - $18) available at the box office and all Belly Buster outlets.


Excited to have you on board, Boy-san!

Master Fuji
 

(Bulldog's Note: Now... you may be wondering, why did the conversation more or less end after that? Firstly, Warlord was probably smart enough to realize this wasn't really Mr. Fuji he was talking with. Secondly, Stefano, his kickboxer friend, also began a reunion of sorts with "Fuj" around the same time. To wit:)

 

     Master Fuji, How have you been, I lost contact with you      about 4 years ago. I hope that you and your kids are doing      great. Would love to talk to you or come back to TN to come      visit. Its me the world champion kickboxer Stefano (last      name withheld) my websites are posted on the bottom of this      note. I use to visit you at your apt in Jefferson city and      visit you over at the movie theatre. I am a fight promoter      now and Warlord your old wrestler is helping me out. You can      reach me at (Phone number withheld) Please give me a call.

Thank you

 Stefano

 

Ahhh... Stefano-san. Happy new year.

Please jog Fuji's memory. Do not remember you, san. Where we meet? You need to buy a home?

Fuji

 

     If you can go on the (website withheld) site you will      probably remember my face and that I retired as a world      kickboxing champion. You and I were introduced through this      lady cant remember her name; but she was dating my attorney      at the time in morris town his name was (name withheld). You      were using a YMCA pr a gymnasiam of some kind to train a few guys out of on some mats. I would visit you at your apt and      you would show me tons of photos.

     I was introduced to your son that was thinking about      wrestling and was trying or playing college ball at the      time. actually you talked to me about him because he was      having problems with some guys in town or hanging out with      the wrong guys. as for the job you had I would visit you      over at the theatre you would tear tickets. You told me that      your ex wife left you with nothing, I'm glad to hear that      you are making it with no problems. I use to go by the name      William every body called me will or william it was my fight      name "if their is a will than their is a way" so the name      stuck with me. Any way not in the market for a house but      would like to stay in contact with you (PHONE NUMBER      WITHHELD). I am a fight promoter on pay per view and I am      working on a chain of pizzerias. Hope that you remember me   and would give me a call soon!

          Ciao

 

Boy-san, it's all coming back to me now. Too many shots to Fuji's bowler hat over the years, I suppose...

Things were going all fine for your Master Fuji for a while, but about six months ago, some moron crushed my larynx when he dropped a ring bell on my throat. Thus, I am having trouble speaking and communicate mostly through the Internet-san.

I still keeping busy, promoting wrestling shows now and again and trying to sell homes, which is hard to do without being able to speak and all. Fuji will keep you in mind if I ever get into kickboxing game, or looking for a good pizza.

Holla back,
Master Fuji

 

     OUS! Master Fuji, I'm glad you remember me, I tried to keep      in contact until i lost your phone number.

     As for your throat I am really sorry and I hope you have an     awesome recovery. As for Kickboxing I am growing in the      market as the next biggest fight promoter for hardcore      kickboxing in north america We just made pay per veiw.

     I know that you arent able to speak that well, if you      forward me your phone number I can get Warlord (Terry) and      Barbarion to give you a call and you and I can stay in      touch, you and can probably make a ton of money together      with my shin do kumate (My fight Game) and TDK. I would like      to come visit you with my fiance and my youngest daughter      (name withheld).

     Please stay in touch I know that you and I will make      something big happen. I believe that our paths crossed again      for a reason! Dont let this pass. Thank you my friend.

 

Give me a call? What will that do? FUJI CAN'T TALK!

As for kickboxing, Master Fuji was always master of microphone. Without mic skills, Fuji can't sell wrestling, kickboxing, hardcore kickboxing, ballroom kickboxing, nothing! What Master Fuji supposed to do - use sign language?

 

     I'm sorry that you are so bitter! not to sure if this is      really Fuji. If this was Fuji you would remember me. I flew      to TN from europe after capturing my world title, to finish      off the rest of my contract. I've been trying to locate you for the past 3 years hoping that you were ok, finally got your e-mail and was excited to hear that you were alive. I      thought that it would be nice for me to take a trip to TN to      visit you and to keep a friendship. As for my promoting      I always look for doors to open, this is the reason that      Warlord is aboard with consulting! we have had a close      friendship for the past 5 years.  

     I never look for hand outs or for any help from people with      out compensating that person, I am a man of integrity. The      Fuji that I met when I flew down from europe after capturing      my world title was the coolest person in the world. WHAT      HAPPENED!!! 

     Anyway I hope that you have a wonderful year and that God      brings you a speedy recovery. Happy 2006!   

 

I am sorry for blowing up there, Stefano-san. Last few months haven't been kind to Fuji, between the larynx injury, and the whole "Edge-stealing-the-catchphrase" thing. Even throwing salt doesn't have the same thrill it used to. So sorry for getting pissed at YOU, though.

I am the same Fuji I always been, just a little down right now. What you think - I'm some website prankster?  LOL. Fuji will be back to old ways in no time.

I wish you well and will keep you up to date when Fuji's voice is back to normal.


Best wishes,
Master Fuji

 

     Lots of luck and looking forward to hearing from you soon!      apology not necessary, I'm just glad to hear that you are ok      and as for being down, anything you need, stay in touch I      still believe that I found you again for a good reason.      Anything you ever need just let me know and it would be my      pleasure.

     Ciao, OUS!

 

(Bulldog's Note: Now, a decent person may have dropped it at this point. I mean, Stefano was obviously smart enough to catch on. The real Fuji has a terrible SOB story, and really, haven't I done enough damage here? But of course, I AM just some website prankster. Also, I'm a dick. See the next series of exchanges:)

 

     OUS! Master Fuji, I'm actually taking a trip next Saturday      to Knoxville talk to a few people for a possible cage match.      I would actually like to pass by your office over      in Jefferson City  and take you to lunch. It will be nice to   see you again. Who knows I might be in the market for a new      vacation home.

   

Ahhh... Stefano-San. Fuji going to be away on weekend for real estate convention in Lund City, Florida. Been booked for ages.

Apologies,
Master Fuji

 

     Not a problem, it wasnt this weekend it was for the      following weekend. I'm pretty sure that you will be visiting      some part of the united states that weekend as well. Ciao

 

Boy-san, you're talking January 14th weekend, right? This weekend (7th and part of 8th), Fuji is around.

 

     This weekend is perfect, I will be in Knoxville on Saturday      let me know if you are able to have lunch.

 

That will be fine. Do you know Barney's downtown?

Fuji

(Bulldog's Note: I have no idea if there's a Barney's anywhere in Tennessee, let alone downtown Knoxville. It just sounded good.)

 

     No thats ok, I actually think that you are taking my kindess      as a joke! I know now that this isnt fuji and that you took      me for an idot! Its a shame. I hope you had a good laugh,      have yourself a good 2006.

 

BECAUSE I CAN'T TALK..... I'M NOT FUJI???

VERY WELL. YOUR MISTAKE, BOY-SAN

Master Fuji

(Bulldog's Note: Damn, he's good. Even though he can't spell the word "idiot", he's a worthy adversary. Still, I really didn't want this to end without me at least burning SOMEONE:)

Stefano,
Want to apologize profusely for past messages. Unfortunately, one of the "boys", a worker named Pyrofalkon, was the one telling me to be mean to you. He called you a dumb mark. But he has left my home now so I can talk more freely. Feel free to send him email
(pyrofalkon@hotmail.com) and threaten him or something.
We'll talk soon. 

All my best,
Fuj

 

     Awaiting reply (from either Stefano or Pyro)…

 

 

Which brings us to the end. Just a reminder: if you liked what you read here, I would encourage you all to check out Thanks For The Compliment: Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!! The book contains more than 150 e-mails, including ones to:

·        10 Hall of Famers (11 after this year's ceremony, and it could be as high as 13, if some of my predictions are correct).

·        19 former or current World Champions.

·        20 well-known divas and valets.

·        A slew of well-known bookers and announcers.

·        More than a dozen wrestling schools.

All this, plus a terrific foreword by Online Onslaught Hall of Famer Jeb Tennyson Lund, which I daresay is worth the price of admission alone!

After all, I wouldn't want to have to break Pyrofalkon's kneecaps, seeing as I've already broken his spirit. Buy the book now, and thank me later. Yes, I'm desperate!!!

Thanks for reading, and remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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