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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Saturday Night's All Right for Fighting 

March 16, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Bulldog… make sure to avenge my death… (cough cough)… and make sure that Pyrofalkon is… (cough cough)… is fir… (cough cough).. fire… s-s-s-s-so c-c-c-coldddd…" 
     -- Webmaster Rick Scherer's final words, 2006. 
 
Wow, I wonder what he was trying to say there? Anyhoo, welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and LONG OVERDUE edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm former ballet prodigy Canadian Bulldog, and we've got a ton to get to this week. But first, a quick poll:  

Who should be the next subject for Canadian Bulldog's True Wrestling Stories? (cheap plug)

(A)         Jake "The Snake" Roberts
(B)         Koko B. Ware
(C)         The Monday Night Wars
(D)         Big Boss Man

Be sure to register your vote at the official Inside The Ropes website (Motto: "We're no longer even bothering updating it any more"). And here's how you all voted during our most recent poll:

Why is WWE exploiting Eddie Guerrera's death?

(A)         They need the money - 8 %
(B)         How ELSE can you push a guy like Roy Mystereo? - 29 %
(C)         The Old-School Ordertaker is planning to bring him back to life - 37 %
(D)         Who? - 4 %
(E)         Yes - 20 %

And now, onto the news…

Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting): "They" said it could never be done again. "They" said the concept was too old and tired to work. "They" didn't think that running skits about safaris and Oktoberfest would still be hip and cool in the year 2006. "They" said referees couldn't be knocked down for five-plus minutes because of a simple shoulderblock. "They" didn't believe that Brent "Hateman" Hurt could ever return to a WWE ring.

"They" were wrong. Except for maybe about the last thing. But prove me wrong, "they"; PROVE ME WRONG!!!

Nonetheless, Saturday Night Live's Main Event returns to primetime television after a 15-year absence, and it's just TWO WEEKS AWAY!!! In case you can't wait that long, I thought I'd give you a brief preview of what to expect:

(Opening scene. Jan Hammer's "Theme From A Synthesizer That Plays Only Four Notes" can be heard in the background.)

 

John Ceno:
"Tonight on the return of S-N-M-E,
The champ is here for all to see!
Even though NBC's no longer must-see TV
And we've since changed our name to WWE…"

Triple HHH:
"Ceno - the hell are you doing hogging MY promo time?"

John Ceno:
"You can't see me!"

Triple HHH:
"Clearly I CAN see you, you stupid fuck."

John Ceno:
"World Life!"

 

 

Shane O' Max:
"BOO-YAH!"

 

"Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels:
"You said it, Shane MacMahon. I am the showstoppa, the icon, the main event, the next big thing, the man of the hour, the tower of power, too sweet to be sour… And as the only guy still on the active roster from back when this show was last on the air, I can say that there's no way HKB is backin' down from a streetfight! Even if I have to wear womens clothing to do it in."

 

 

Jim E. Hart:
"There's no way they can make us do this, baby! No way! I'm not gonna let Stoned Cold Steve Austen get his hands on you tonight, daddy!"

John Breadshaw Lagerfeld:
"That's right! Stoned Cold, you may be… wait, a second. You're not my manager!!!"

Jim E. Hart:
"… and then my Heart Foundation is also gonna destroy those no-good Killer B's  in a two out of three falls match. Ahahahahahaha!"

 

 

Hollywood Hal Kogan:
"Well, let me tell ya somethin' brother! Tonight, that nasty Samoan Sika is goin' down, brother! And brother, whatcha gonna brother when the largest brother in the brother brothers brother… BRRRRRROTHER!"

(Opening video montage, set to "Theme From An 80's Band That Isn't Quite Animotion, But Still Sucks").

 

 

Vince MacMahon:
"Welcome, everyone, to another edition of Saturday Night Live's Main Event. Tonight, our theme is… outer space. Ahahaha-HA! How about it, Jess?"

Jerry "The Body" Ventura:
"Don't tell me you're still doing this 'theme night' crap, where everyone dresses in stupid costumes and spits out tired clichés? I thought my lawyers warned you about that shit?!?"

Vince MacMahon:
"Nonetheless… Tonight we will see the very unlikely duo of John Ceno and Triple HHH take on the unlikelier trio of Kur Tangle, Roy Mysterio and Someone Else. Wouldn't you say that match should be 'out of this world'?"

Jerry "The Body" Ventura:
"I'd rather not."

Vince MacMahon:
"Would you like those royalty checks to get 'lost in the mail'?"

Jerry "The Body" Ventura:
"You know somethin', MacMahon. I bet Triple HHH sends Ceno 'into orbit' tonight! Ha ha ha!"

Vince MacMahon:
"That's more like it. And would you suggest that all the stars are aligned for my Other Son, when he takes that no-good transvestite Sean McMichaels?"

Jerry "The Body" Ventura:
"Um, sure."

Vince MacMahon:
"Ahaha-HA! Let's 'beam on down' to 'mission control', 'boldly going where no man has gone before'. Here's our broadcast colleague Mean Gene Okerfeld."

 

 

Mean Gene Okerfeld:
"This space suit seems a little tight around my… Vince, Jerry, standing by with me right now is Bookie T. Tonight, you're set to take on Boogie Man. What about it?

Bookie T:
"Dawg, I ain't 'fraid of no Boogie Man. Now can you dig that? Suckaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Mean Gene Okerfeld:
"And what about the presence of his mysterious new toy Mine?"

Bookie T:
"Wasn't that George 'The Aminal' Steel?"

Mean Gene Okerfeld:
"Oh… you're right. It is. I'm just stuck in the wrong decade."

Bookie T:
"So are the producers of this show, apparently."

 

… and the show goes on and on from there, concluding with a thrilling bout between SHNITSKY!!! and Jim Powers at about 1:20 a.m. If you'd like to read how the rest of SNLME turns out, send me a line care of bulldog@onlineonslaught.com and I'd be happy to send you the rest of the transcript.

(Note: To receive the transcript, you will also have to purchase one (1) copy of Bulldog's book, which can be ordered here. Offer only open to residents of the United States, Canada, most of Europe and Texas.)

More bad news on the Eddie Guerrera front: Just when you thought things couldn't get any sadder for the late superstar's family, word is out that his wife Vickie Sue Guerrera is being evicted from her home, as well as their children Shaul, Sherilyn, Kaylie Marie and adopted son Dominic.

All I have to say about that is this: FUCK YOU RANDY ORTON!!! YOU COULDN'T LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE, COULD YOU? YOU HAD TO USE YOUR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS YOU EARNED WHILE IN REVOLUTION AND BUY HIS HOUSE, DIDN'T YOU??? UNLIKE EDDIE, YOU ARE REALLY GOING TO HELL, YOU BASTARD!!!

I'm sorry I had to editorialize there, folks, but sometimes the situation just calls for it.

Big Time?: Now that we're just 64 29 37 3 several days away until WrestelMania 222, World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Incorporated Limited has agreed to amicably part ways with its Junior Midgets division. Look for Margarita Sagrada, Octagonita, Pirate Man, Super Porky Pig, Haiti Kid and the others to start competing for the XXX Division in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass).

Speaking of minor-league, crap-ass wrestling, did anyone else see that match between Samoan Joe and… nahhhh. I'm not in the mood for that this week. T&A jokes are becoming as passé as jokes about Pyrofalkon. Of course, you may want to get the brand new Pyrofalkon Is A Wad T-shirt, while supplies last.

Now that Smack! Down has transformed Paul Churchill into a pirate, is that the gimmick that will make him a main event star? BANK ON IT!!!

Too hot for television: If you're a pervert, you may have heard by now that WWE diva Candice Cameron recently posed naked IN THE NUDE for Playgirl Magazine. For those of you readers too young to see the HOT STEAMY PIX~!!! or if you have the same restraining order "thing" that I'm currently constrained by (but come June 10th, when that bad boy gets lifted, it's BULLDOG'S TIME TO SHINE, BABY!!!), why not check out the following photo?

Warning: this image is NSFW and Rated XXX because it features CB (Candice's Boobs; not to be confused with Canadian Bulldog). You must be at least 18 years of age to view it. Oldline Onslut and its late webmaster Rick Scherer assume no responsibility for lawsuits stemming from this photo.

 

Phew! I don't know about you, but I definitely need a cigarette…

Out Of The Closet: It's been all over the news lately, if you happen to be on myspace, that is (and if you are, THANKS FOR NOT ADDING ME TO YOUR FRIENDS LIST, YOU BASTARDS!!!). I'm of course talking about the recent news of former WCW jobber Chris Canyon.

Instead of guessing about his sexual orientation, I decided to go straight (NO PUN INTENDED!!!) to the source. What follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript that may not be reprinted, as per the last testament and will of Webmaster Rick Scherer:

CC: Good afternoon, Grand Canyon Tourist Center. How may I help you?

CB: Hi, it's Bulldog here. I understand you have some news to share with the world?

CC: Well, we are one of the biggest tourist destinations in the U.S…

CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! I thought you'd be all negative towards the "press", after that jerk from The Torch threw a big hissy fit.

CC: Um, what?

CB: Question number one: are you really, you know - gay?

CC: HOW DID (quieter) how did you know about that? Who is this?

CB: DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!!!

CC: My family is going to be devastated. You can't tell anyone.

CB: Don't worry; no one reads this column anyways.

CC: Riiiight. Sorry, are you trying to blackmail me?

CB: Look, I don't really go in for that kind of stuff. I mean, sure I've thought about it before, but it's just not me. To each their own, though. I'm not judging.

CC: Well, then what do you want from me?

CB: When do you get off work?

CC: Sorry?

CB: STOP TRYING TO HIT ON ME!!!

CC: I WASN'T!

CB: Well, I'm not interested anyways.

CC: Uh… you're not interested in visiting the Grand Canyon?

CB: OH, IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL IT NOW - THE "GRAND" CANYON? SOMEONE THINKS PRETTY BIG OF THEMSELVES (call me)!!! MAYBE YOU NEED TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT "FOOLING THE MARKS" AND FOCUS ON GETTING YOUR SEXY ASS BACK TO WWE. THIS INTERVIEW… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up phone)

CC: Who betta than Grand Canyon?

Remember, if there's anyone you're dying for me to interview (or if you just want to set me up with someone), drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.

Aaaaaaand that about does it for this week. Remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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