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INSIDE THE ROPES    
WrestleMania XX2: Bulldog Time! 

March 30, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Welcome... to WrestelMania! By the way, I'm an egomaniacal nutjob who is horribly out of touch with what the fans want!" 
       -- Vince MacMahon, WrestelMania III 
            ("Bigger. Better. Badddddder.")

 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and largely HYPOTHETICAL edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm recreational-drug enthusiast Canadian Bulldog. We've got lots to get to this week, so let's hop right to it!

The Only Thing We Have To Get To This Week: Unless you have been living

under a rock (and how's that been working out for you?), or are really, really dumb, you know that we are just TEN DAYS away from "The Grandpappy Of 'Em All", none other than WrestelMania XX2!!!

Instead of doing what every Tom, Dick and Pyrofalkon on the Internet are no doubt going to be doing, I thought I would provide my readers (because my readers ROCK!!!) with an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect at "the big show".

The event, that is. Not the obese wrestler of the same name.

So let's get right to it. What are you waiting for - Pesach?

Name: John Ceno
Quote: "World Life!"
Finishing Maneuver: The Fuck You
Strengths: Unwavering fan Support
Weaknesses: Can't be seen
Name: Triple HHH
Quote: "I Am That Darn Good"
Finishing Maneuver: Sledgehammer-To-The-Skull
Strengths: 24" pythons
Weaknesses: Sometimes he cares a little TOO much

So it's finally come down to this -- John Ceno vs. Triple HHH. The match everyone (including YOU!!!) has been waiting for. It's moments like this I wake up in the morning and thank the good lord above that he decided to make me a wrestling fan.

And yeah, Ceno ain't winning.

 

Name: Roy Mystereo Junior
Quote: "Andale, Andale, Arriba!"
Finishing Maneuver: The 416 (in Toronto only)
Strengths: Does lots of flip-floppy shit
Weaknesses: Afraid of the dark
Name: Kur Tangle
Quote: "I Suck!"
Finishing Maneuver: Stepover- Toehold- Anklelock
Strengths: Broken freaking neck!!!
Weaknesses: Doesn't know how to ride a bicycle
Name: Randy Orton! Orton! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!
Quote: "Duh..."
Finishing Maneuver: Standing there; Looking dumb
Strengths: Too numerous to mention
Weaknesses: Father tends to bleed his HIV-infected blood on opponents

Canadian Bulldog's recipe for an awesome little main event dish: Take a piping-hot bowl of Olympic gold medal, (Kur Tangle), add a dash of real-life emotion stemming from someone dedicating the match to their dead brother (Roy Mystereo Junior), and then stir the pot with a generous helping of douchebag (Randy Orton! Orton! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!). 

Voila -- you've got yourself some "Smack! Down Stew". Add garlic to taste. Serves family of four. Do NOT reheat. Mmmm Mmmm Good!!!

 

Name: Vince MacMahon
Quote: "This Interview... IS OVER!!!"
Finishing Maneuver: The Whattamaneuver/Atomic Assflex
Strengths: If he wants, say, Battle Kat, to show up on his next show, then brother, Battle Kat is gonna be there!
Weaknesses: Broke both his kneecaps in a freak Royal Rumble accident
Name: "Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels
Quote: "I'm Just A Sexy Boy (Sexy Boy). I'm Not Your Boy Toy (Boy Toy)."
Finishing Maneuver: That Lame-Ass Shit Where He Falls Down, Flat On His Back And Then Kips Up. I Mean, Does Anyone NOT See That Coming Anymore?
Strengths: The power of Christ
Weaknesses: Still hasn't deciphered The Da Vinci Code.

For years now, Vince MacMahon and Sean McMichaels have been feuding over which of them did more damage to the life of Brent "Hate Man" Hurt. Now, they're taking their friendly debate to the ring!

Look for Shane O' Max to run out to the ring and distract HKB! And then HKB will call out NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) superstar Stink, because they're both Born-Again Christian Cages! And then the two of them will fight the MacMahon family! But then Stephoney MacMahon will run and say that she's going into labor! So the match will get transferred to the lobby of a Chicago hospital! The one that they used to film "ER" and "Saint Elsewhere" in! And while Vinnie Max paces in the hallway, McMichaels will hit him with a superkick! And then they'll both fall down, but McMichaels will kip up first! Just like he always does! And then the baby will born, and the father will be... BRENT "HATE MAN" HURT! And he'll say "Triple HHH didn't screw Stephoney; Brent Hurt screwed Stephoney!" Which is a great way to pay off a nine-year old storyline! But Triple HHH won't care because it's just a storyline anyways, and in reality, Brent isn't really Stephoney's type! She more goes for muscular jerks! And then while everyone is confused over the sudden turn of events, Vince MacMahon will call Mary Jannetty from prison, and spring him on bail! But by the time he's out of jail and has signed all the necessary paperwork, not to mention traveled to Chicago, the match will have long ended! And it will be the best ending ever!

EVER!!!

 

Name: The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To
Quote: "Your Dead"
Finishing Maneuver: The One Where He Sits On The Guy And Drops Him On His Head
Strengths: Ummm... he never loses?
Weaknesses: Kryptonite
Name: "The World's Fattest Man" Sexual Mark Chocolate
Quote: "Hey Hey Hey!"
Finishing Maneuver: This Would Suggest He's Ever Won A Match
Strengths: Plenty
Weaknesses: Plenty

Will The Ordertaker rise from the ashes to confront his toughest challenge ever (EVER!!!)? Or will Sexual Mark Chocolate add another notch to his undefeated streak of never losing (or competing) at a WrestelMania?

BANK ON IT!!!

 

Name: ThEdge
Quote: (Sigh) "BANK ON IT!!!"
Finishing Maneuver: Gore
Strengths: Adept at stealing things (girlfriends, catchphrases)
Weaknesses: Let's just say he's not exactly "Sexton Hardcastle" in the Bedroom (Thanks for the tip, Leeta!)
Name: Cactus Jack Manson
Quote: "Blam Blam! Blam Blam!"
Finishing Maneuver: Oh, Like It Matters...
Strengths: Can write up one hell of a blog
Weaknesses: Let's just say he's not exactly "Dude Love" in the kitchen (I have NO idea what that means!)

For some unexplained reason, the "Rated E For Everyone Superstar" has a massive chip on his shoulders these days. But instead of taking it out on losers like Mike Hardy, ThEdge decided to pick a fight with former hardcore legend Mick Farley.

Hopefully, this feud will end the way it started - with Farley offering to get ThEdge and The Christian a round of sodas while they relax in their dressing room, because "Sodas Rule!".

 

Name: Bobby Lashleroux
Quote: "What? Pardon?"
Finishing Maneuver: Reverse Gutplex
Strengths: "It doesn't look he's missed too many meals."
Weaknesses: "Where do you go to get weighed when you're that big? The meat scales?"
Name: Sheldon Benjamin
Quote: "Ain't No Stopping Me... NAH!" (Sorry, Matt)
Finishing Maneuver: Stinger Deathlock
Strengths: "I wouldn't buy a used car from him."
Weaknesses: "Pandemonium has broken loose!"
Name: Mike Hardy Version 3.3 For Professionals
Quote: "Guess What? I May Die After All"
Finishing Maneuver: See also Henry, Mark
Strengths: "He can beat any superstar here on any given night."
Weaknesses: "Look out! Excedrin headache number nine!"
Name: Rod Van-Damme
Quote: "`Scuse Me While I Kiss The Sky"
Finishing Maneuver: Five-Star Frog Press (Reduced To Four And A Half Stars After Scott Keeth Got Through With It)
Strengths: "A miscarriage of justice, right here in the Garden."
Weaknesses: "Those size sixteen boots, right in the kisser."
Name: Fat Finley
Quote: "Frosted Lucky Charms - They're Magically Delicious, BITCH!"
Finishing Maneuver: Irish Whip
Strengths: "Highway robbery is what that was!"
Weaknesses: "Nailed him there in the external occipital pertuberance."
Name: "Nature Guy" Ricky Flare
Quote: "Woo hoo!"
Finishing Maneuver: Feature-Four Legstop
Strengths: "WILL YOU STOP?"
Weaknesses: "The two of them couldn't get lost together."

Anything can happen in this type of match. ANYTHING! 

Mind you, I highly doubt that, say, Mike Hardy will turn into a Transformer (probably that bastard Optimus Prime) and start crushing his opposition!

Or for that matter, I wouldn't bank on Sheldon Benjamin getting a bucket of green slime on his head after he says "I don't know" a la syndicated television show "You Can't Do That On Television".

I also wouldn't expect Ricky Flare and Fat Finley to tour retirement homes in the Florida Panhandle with their brand-new musical.

Don't hold your breath for Rod Van-Damme to rapidly transform into a crime-fighting walrus, either. Unless he hallucinates it, that is.

And while we're at it, I really doubt that Bobby Lashleroux will spontaneously combust.

So I guess the match will be fairly predictable.

 

Name: John Bradshaw Breadshaw Lagerfeld
Quote: "Everyone has a price for the Million Dollar Man JLB! Ahahahahahahahahaha!"
Finishing Maneuver: Clothesline From Hell Texas
Strengths: Rapes rookies in the shower Veteran
Weaknesses: Veteran Rapes rookies in the shower
Name: Chris Benwah
Quote: " "
Finishing Maneuver: Crippler Cross-Faced Chicken Wing
Strengths: One mean mothafucka on the mic
Weaknesses: Lack of technical expertise will make it hard for him to keep up

George Hackenschmidt. Lou Thesz. Nick Bockwinkel. "Whipper" Billy Watson. Eddie Graham. 

None of these people have ever held the WWE's "USA" title before. So why the hell does John Breadshaw Lagerfeld need to? Or Chris Benwah, for that matter?

 

Name: Tritch Stratus
Quote: "Hahaha - Ohhhh..." (FROM THE STARTING OF HER THEME SONG!!!)
Finishing Maneuver: The Stratus Symbol, Or Some Shit
Strengths: Easy on the eyes, if you catch my meaning!
Weaknesses: None
Name: Mickey Jane
Quote: "Don't ask me; I'm just a girl." 
Finishing Maneuver: Flying Jalapeno
Strengths: Kind of psychotic, if you catch my meaning!
Weaknesses: On level 13, if you go to the door on the left, you will be indestructible for the rest of the game.

No one is quite sure what came between these two, once inseparable chums.

One can only guess that, because all women seem to like pornography, that the relationship between these two ugly young women disintegrated after they found out that fellow Diva Candace Cameron was going to be in "Hustler" instead of them.

Yet, let's hope that for the sake of their friendship, and for the sake of Tritch Stratus's ugly boyfriend that can't tell the two of them apart, that WrestelMania isn't the end of a story, but the beginning of a new chapter in Tritch and Mickey Jane's relationship.

 

Name: The Best Show & The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain
Quote: "We're Here To Pump (CLAP!) You Up! 
Finishing Maneuver: Something That Involves Both A Choke And Slamming
Strengths: Can execute most of them "fat freakjob" moves
Weaknesses: 1) Light 2) Water 3) Being fed after midnight
Name: Charlita Carribbean Cruel & Chris Masterpiece
Quote: "I Like To Stab People Who Aren't Cool"
Finishing Maneuver: Double Flying Jalapeno
Strengths: Brains AND brawn -- it's the perfect combination.
Weaknesses: Masterpiece once tried to put a Masterlock on Charlita's apple

Look for the team of to come out on top.

 

Name: Boogey Man
Quote: "I'm Boogey Man, And I'm Comin' To Kill Ya!"
Finishing Maneuver: The Worm (Get it? Get it?)
Strengths: Master of in-ring psychology
Weaknesses: Just kidding
Name: Bookie T & Charlene
Quote: "I'm Gonna Git Ya... SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Finishing Maneuver: Spinaroney
Strengths: Came here to kick ass to chew bubble gum, and is all out of bubble gum (also, ass)
Weaknesses: Can't let go of his Harlem roots

Do you believe in miracles?

If so, "Boogey vs. Bookie" could be the match for you. Every year, WrestelMania produces one "dream" match for the ages. Last year, it was Hollywood Hal Kogan vs. Mohachmed Hussein. The year before that, it was... uh... well... Look, I don't remember, okay? It's because of an inner-ear problem I have that causes me to sometimes forget... uh... forget... uh...








My new book, "Thanks For The Compliment: Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!" is still available!

 

Name: Torrie Watson
Quote: "Your ass is grass, and I'm gonna smoke it!"
Finishing Maneuver: Bra Pull?
Strengths: As talented a wrestler as she is an actor
Weaknesses: Billy The Kid-Sized Man has been holding her back for years.
Name: Candace Cameron
Quote: "Listen to my annoying voice!"
Finishing Maneuver: Really, now...
Strengths: Don't discount to the power of the magic wand
Weaknesses: Can't let go of her Harlem roots

This bout isn't without precedent. The usage of pillows goes far back in this world of what we call stupid fake wrestling. 

The first such incident, according to historians, was in 1988, when "The Leaping Legend" Lenny Zybybybsko handed "Perfect Man" Kirk Henning a loaded pillow to help him win the AWA World Title.

A second incident appeared in 1993 during the WWE's "King O' The Ring" PPV, when a phony photographer threw a flaming pillow at Hal Kogan's face, causing him to be momentarily distracted and lose the title to Yozokuna.

Of course, the most famous incident occurred in early 2000, when booker Vince Rousseau told Double Jeff Jarrod to lay down and lose the WCW title to a large blue sofa cushion. And let us not forget the thrilling "TLCP" (Tables, Ladders, Chairs and Pillows) match between The Hardy Brotherz, The Dudley Brotherz and ThEdge and Christian Brotherz.

We can only hope that this match can live up to its famous predecessors.

So there you have it -- WMXX2 from top to bottom. I'll be back next week with something VERY special (okay, I have no ideas yet), but feel free to drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's... Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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