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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Pop Quiz, Rapping with the Man Upstairs,
and Lots MORE~! 

April 13, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Hustle. Flow. Respect!" 
    
-- Spinning World Title holder John Ceno.

 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and THOROUGHLY CONFUSING edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm retired shortstop Canadian Bulldog, and we've got literally tons to get to this week. But first, a quick poll:

What did you think of WrestelMania XX2?  

 
(A) Sucked except for the main event.
(B) Not nearly enough "Eddie" references.
(C) The hell was Mark Henry's picture doing beside The MacMahon Family?
(D) The best WrestelMania this year. So far.
(E) Yes. 

Be sure to register your vote at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: "Finally starting the slow, painful update process; be patient"). And here's how you all voted last time:

Who should be the next subject of my next "Canadian Bulldog's True Wrestling Stories"?

(A) Jake "The Snake" Roberts - 17 %
(B) Koko B. Ware - 11 %
(C) The Monday Night Wars - 52 %
(D) Big Boss Man - 17 %

And now, onto the news…

Suspended! Suspended! BAH GAWD, SUSPENDED!!!: World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Incorporation Inc. Corp. has suspended Revolution co-founder Randy Orton! Orton! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! for being, in their words, "an ass".

Here's what really happened: Randy thought it would be a "nice touch" to his feud with new WWE Undisputed Other World Champion Roy Mystereo Junior to dig up the corpse of Roy's brother "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera! Then he was planning to walk around the arena with him and propping him up to make it look like he was still alive! Just like in "Weekend At Bernie's", only funny! But then his widow, Vickie Sue Guerrera, said she had "issues" with that proposed angle! So Orton gave her an RKO right into Eddie's hollowed-out grave! Then he pooped in her gym bag! Even though she probably doesn't own one! And it was the best exhumation-turned-widow-beating angle ever!

EVER!!!

What may shock you is that the decision wasn't made by figurehead commissioner Vince MacMahon, nor was it made by Bastard Johnny Ace. The suspension was actually enforced by Oldline Onslut's very own Webmaster Rick Scherer, charging Orton with committing several acts of "douchebaggery".

Is it just me, or are there are a smattering of jeers these days for Spinning World Champion John Ceno? What is up with THAT?

The New Generation: A lot of newcomers and re-returners have been finding their way to the WWE recently. Because you're all a bunch of stupid marks, I thought it might prudent to give you some brief background into this list of new WWE faces I like to call:

A LIST OF NEW WWE FACES

  • Armando Jose Estrada Allejandro Essa Rios joined the WWE after a lifelong career in the Cuban military, and brother, is he ever pissed off about the trade sanctions!!! Look for him to make an immediate splash on whichever brand (Raw, Smack! Down, Impact) he chooses to sign with. And he's not coming alone! Check out his first protégé (Cuban for "client"):
  • Umagla. Insiders are calling this man "the Sika for a new generation." While we don't know if he'll live up that kind of hype, one thing is for sure; Umagla is one tough mutha! Half Samoan, half Dutch-Irish, this man is fully EVIL!!!
  • Giant Silva. Manager Duhvari knew that if he ever wanted to take out The Old School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To for good, he'd have to find someone who was freakishly large, because that plan worked so well for Giant Gonzales. Will Silva try to "get the band back together", bringing Kurgan and Golga back into the fold? BANK ON IT!!!
  • "Prince of Punk" Sharon More. I have no idea who this douche is.
  • Gummer Scott. Not much is known about this sexy newcomer, except that he's definitely winning this year's King O' The Ring PPV.
  • The Test. The former husband of Stephoney Helmsley-MacMahon-Test-Undertaker had taken some time off to, in his own words, "get off steroids". With those distractions out of the way, perhaps now he can live up to his true potential, such as jobbing to Chris Masterpiece.
  • Harry Boy Smith. He's a member of the famous Heart Family of wrestling, which can only mean one thing: he's fucked up. And I'm saying this right now: if he even thinks about the nickname "Canadian Bulldog", SOMEONE'S GONNA BE UP TO THEIR ASS IN LAWSUIT!!!
  • The Dick Brothers. With a PhD in pain, a Doctorate in in-ring trickery, and a Bachelor in double-teaming-while-the-ref's-back-is-turned, identical twins Wang and Cock Dick have all the tools necessary to climb to the top of the prestigious WWE tag team division.

And of course… there's one VERY IMPORTANT newcomer I haven't mentioned here. Check out my interview later in this column!!!

What's Your F-U I-Q?: I thought now that WMXX2 is over with, it would be a good time to get you stupid marks caught up on your wrestling know-how by offering the following "Wrestling Quiz".

Section A - The Champions

1. Why is referee Tim Wight constantly trying to kill himself?

a)     He'd heard rumors of having to do an angle with Mae Yung.

b)     Years of wrestlers' shoulderblocking him into unconsciousness are starting to take their toll.

c)     He's just terribly clumsy.

d)     Yes.

 

2. Which of the following really was SHNITSKY!!!'s fault?

a)     The Montreal incident.

b)     Piledriver: The Album.

c)     BattleBowl.

d)     John Ceno getting booed.

3. When you think "masculine", you automatically think of:

a)     Goal Dust

b)     Canyon

c)     Reeco

d)     Sensational Sherry

 

4. Try and name even ONE wrestler that actually competes in Ring of Horror?

a)     Jack Jackson

b)     Bill Smith

c)     Jerry Peters

d)     Deathskull

 

5. Which movie among World Wrestling Federtainment's new WWE Films That Will Never Get Made division will be the most profitable?

a)     The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain in "Ceno Evil".

b)     John Ceno in "Ceno Fan Support".

c)     Stoned Cold Sherriff Austen in "Ceno Release Date".

d)     PROFIT? Ahahahahahahahaha!

 

Section 2 - Biggest, Smallest, Strangest, Strongest

6. Which of the following has almost completed the "Denny's Grand Slam" or WWF/E Championships?

a)     Boogey Man

b)     "Texas Toastnado" Kerry Van Eric

c)     "Falling Angel" Christopher Danielson

d)     Yes.

 

7. At times, whom has "Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels looked up to for inspiration?

a)     Bad, Bad, Bad News Brown, Baddest Man In The Whole Damn Town

b)     Actor Stuart Stone, whose new MTV show "Blowin' Up" debuts May 16th.

c)     SHNITSKY!!!

d)     Deathskull

 

8. WHAT?

a)     WHAT?

b)     WHAT?

c)     WHAT?

d)     Yes.

 

9. What's so freaking special about Samoan Joe?

a)     Strong Samoan bloodlines (Sika, Umagla, Siva Afi, Johnny K-9).

b)     It's either rooting for him or The Abyss.

c)     Moron T&A fans think he's actually Rickishi with a  new name.

d)     Who?

 

10. How many fans were REALLY in the Pontiac Sunfiredome to see Hal Kogan bodyslam the 700-pound Andrew The Giant?

a)     93,173 (93 million, 100 thousand and 73 billion).

b)     Six.

c)     22,000 (the rest had "obstructed view" seats and thus couldn't see the move).

d)     None (it was all an illusion, as David Copperbottom was doing a magic trick in the area).

 

Section D - Potpourri

11. Who came from Cobb Country, Georgia?

a)     "The Texas Rattlesnake"

b)     "The Man Who Made Milwaukee Famous"

c)     "The Canadian Crippler"

d)     The Minnesota Wrecking Crew II

 

12. Who else was in that Rio De Janiero tournament where Pat Pat Patterson won the I-C title?

a)     Mr. Non-existent

b)     SHNITSKY!!!

c)     Lou Theszpress

d)     Yes.

 

13. Which talk-show featured Hal Kogan being squashed to death by Earthquake John Tentacle?

a)     Piper's Place.

b)     Adrian The Adonis' Gay Flower House.

c)     Paul Burier's Funeral Room.

d)     Lenny King Live.

 

14. Which of the following lyrics are from the theme song "No Chance In Hell"?

a)     "Pretty old magicians trade your souls for chuckstops."

b)     "Drug tests… go find your place in line."

c)     "You better chockalottadringamazz, boy, cause it's, just a massive rock climb! Cuz you got…"

d)     "YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!"

 

15. Which of the following is "cool"?

a)     Whenever Charlita Caribbean Cruel spits bits of apple into his friend's fruit salad (after the friend politely says: "You know what this salad needs? Apple.").

b)     Inside The Ropes creator Canadian Bulldog.

c)     Whenever The Fonz used to bang on the jukebox, and then the jukebox would shatter, and pieces of glass would become stuck in his hand, and he'd have to go to the hospital to remove it, but they didn't have good health care back in the 1950's like they do now, so he contracted gangrene and died.

d)     Yes.

 

Part A - True or False?

16. Why the FUCK is NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) doing a "The Abyss stalks The Christian in his own home" angle?

a)     Part of the company-wide "Let's make our show look EXACTLY like WCW Thunder from 1999" mandate.

b)     Look what it did for the career of Simon Diamond Page when he stalked The Ordertaker's Homely Wife?

c)     T&A only budgeted to film in three locations: Universal Studios, The Christian's house, and the laundry room in Jeremy Boreass' apartment building.

d)     Part of an elaborate storyline to explain how The Abyss is really Double Jeff Jarrod in disguise and how "Captain Christmas" is really Stink without his makeup.

 

17. Who has been referred to as "the most exciting masked wrestler ever"?

a)              Donk The Evil Clown

b)              S.D. "Express Overnight Delivery" James

c)              EVER!!!

d)              Yes.

 

18. Which of the following does Hollywood Hal Kogan take credit for in his autobiography?

a)     Buying WCW.

b)     The career of Nature Guy Ricky Flare.

c)     Curing cancer.

d)     The buyrate of WrestelMania XX2.

 

19. Complete the following sentence -- Triple HHH is:

a)     Awesome in the sack.

b)     Changing his nickname to Trippie Mac.

c)     Cranky when he doesn't have his afternoon snack.

d)     Horribly racist, and thinks everyone is black.

 

20. What will be the most important new development in the wrestling business over the next 20 years?

a)     SHNITSKY!!!

b)     "The Man Who Made Milwaukee Famous".

c)     EVER!!!

d)     Yes.

How Did You Score?

Drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com and let me know how you fared!!!

Or don't. I don't really care.

Lord of the Ring: As you all know, Sean McMichaels will team with a WWE newcomer against Vince MacMahon and Shane O' Max at the upcoming Backdraft PPV. I recently spoke to "the man" himself. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SACRELIGIOUS transcript:

CB: Are you there, lord? It's me, Canadian Bulldog.

G: (BOOMING VOICE) Who?

CB: DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!!!

G: Oh, Bulldog. Right. Sorry, I haven't had a chance to respond to your lame prank e-mail yet, but…

CB: Okay, that's great. Shut up. Question number one: Why are you helping out WWE when NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) so clearly needs your help?

G: I'll be honest with you, it was the wellness program thing. Being all-seeing and all-knowing, I figured it would be better to let someone ELSE deal with the drug-testing crap, for one night at least.

CB: Question number two: Why did you take away my cat Buttons when I was six?

G: Now, now, Bulldog. We agreed that this was all going to be about wrestling, right?

CB: Right, right. I forgot. Let's skip to question number three, and one that I feel a lot of fans want to know about: Why hasn't Triple HHH had his comeuppance yet?

G: Oh, but he will. He will! Muhuhuhuhahahahahahahaha! (LIGHTNING BOLTS CRASH ON THE GROUND)

CB: Hey - you're not supposed to laugh all evil like that!

G: (Mumbles) Are you weren't supposed to be alive after that fishing accident in 1988…

CB: What was that?

G: Oh, nothing. Nothing. I was just remembering about how Edge stole your catchphrase last year…

CB: Oh. Okay. Question number four: Are you considering a manager for your big match?

G: My people are in "preliminary talks" with Brother Love right now. By the way, how is your "book" selling these days? A little slow, huh? HUH?

CB: Yeah, as if you'd know… Question number five: Are you pissed about the whole JLB thing, him calling himself a "Wrestling…"

G: Oh, he'll get his, don't worry! Muhuhuhuha…

CB: Look, just cram it with the laughing already, okay? Question number six: With it being so close to Easter, are you thinking about trying to get your son re-hired?

G: But… he's not my son, he's just… well, I mean, I guess you're ALL my children is some ways, but, I just… look, you realize you're going to hell for all this, right?

CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number…

G: Look, I gotta run. They're doing some PR work for the pay-per-view. I'm supposed to "try" to get out of the Masterlock. Like that's going to be a challenge.

CB: Can't I just ask you one more question? I'm just wondering what commentator Joe E. Styles will say whenever you take a monster bump? I mean, wouldn't that be taking your name in vain?

G: No more questions! I HAVE SPOKEN! This interview… IS OVER!!! (hangs up prayer)

CB: May someone have mercy on his soul!!!
 

If there's anyone (or any supreme being) out there you want me to interview, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. I'll be back next week with more news. Unless I have to meet my maker before then: I saw I have an appointment with him on Wednesday. Hmmm, I don't remember putting that in there. Lord knows what that's all about… 

And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes. 

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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