"Kenny! Johnny! Mikey! Nicky! Marty! Frankie! Jerry! Jimmy! Barry! Stevie! Mary! Ricky! Bobby! Nancy! Randy! Jenny! Mickey! Goofy! Donald! Pluto! Jacques! Raymond! Miguel! Elliot! Dennis! Scott! Mark! Schlomo! Hersh! Tabby-Tabs! Jeb! Trevor! Bort! Al! Horace! Stan! Irwin! Sandra! Doug! Suzanne! Chloe! Paul! Sean! Ryan! Eryn! Noah! Liz! FIJ! Sparky! Owen! Bret! Cinzia! Who ya gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS! Achmed! Derek! Graham! Shintaro! John! Dave! Harold! Scoop! Stu! Chandler! Ross! Joey! Monica! Phoebe! Rachel! Afternoon, everybody - Norm! One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Sclemeel! Schlemazel! We're gonna do it…" 
          -- The Spirit Squadron, 2006.
 

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and LARGELY POINTLESS edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm mob informant Canadian Bulldog, and we've got a TON to get to this week. But first, a quick poll: 

What do you plan on doing tomorrow (May 19^th)?
 

(A)         DON'T SAY THAT DATE!!!
(B)         Buying Canadian Bulldog's book.
(C)         Seeing a movie.
(D)         Seeing a movie that WON'T suck.
(E)         Yes.

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official and newly-renovated ITR website. Oh, and here's how you stupid marks voted last time:

What do you think of the resurrection of ECW?

(A)    Fine. - 16 %
(B)    Shit - Paul Herman still owes me money! - 32 %
(C)    Are they bringing back Eddie too? - 29 %
(D)    I'd rather see the resurrection of the AWF. - 9 %
(E)    Yes. - 12 %

And now, onto the news…

Now Can You Dig That Shootfight… SUCKAAAAAAAAAA!: What was supposed to be a routine commercial shoot for SummerScam about wrestlers fighting on a beach, or in a swimming pool, or some crap, turned UGLY last week.

According to insider sources, Bookie T got upset that Bautista never thanked him for making him his "Deacon" in an earlier angle! And Bookie shouted "Tell me you didn't just say that"! And then Bookie was going to fight him, but his arm was injured! So Smack! Down District Manager T.D. Long stepped in and said "Hold on a minute, playa! If you can't start a fight, then you're gonna have to pick a substitute! Buhlee dat! Holla holla!" So Bookie chose none other than Triple HHH! But "The Criminal Assassin" looked at the situation and said "Fuck you" and then laughed for some reason! So Bookie had to fight Bautista himself and offered to engage him a test of strength! And then Bautista gave him the "thumbs down" signal and powerbombed him through a table! But then Bookie's homely wife Charlene told him to get up! So he did! And then he delivered the Spin-a-roni! And it was the best legitimate fight ever!

EVER!!!

What, exactly, is Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash's problem? One day, he's running WCW like a well-oiled machine… and then all of a sudden, he's picking on the little XXX Division wrestlers over in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass)? What gives, Kev? Sure, you'll never have a problem going over pint-sized grapplers like Shark Guy and Sonjay Duck, but you don't have to FLAUNT IT!!! Why not pick on someone your own size, such as The Great Kallie? Or Giant Gonzelles? Or Chewbacca?

In other big NWA T&A news this week… hahahaha, just kidding.

Between Triple HHH turning on his real-life brother-in-law Shane O' Max, and former Hardcore Legend Mick Farley turning on his real-life father Terrible Terry Fuck, we should stop calling the show Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw Is War, and start calling it Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw is UNPREDICTABLE!!!

My Name Is PyroFalkon, And I Like To Be A Wad: I promised you about this exciting moment several weeks ago! Then I forgot about it entirely! Then I remembered again!

My trusty apprentice Johnny ITR recently found a PHOTOGRAPH of former (Webmaster Rick Scherer recently said to him: "You're FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!") Oldline Onslut columnist PyroFalkon:

Now… there's nothing wrong with the picture, per se. And I'm comfortable enough in my manliness to say that he's a somewhat good looking guy. 

But I didn't pleasure myself to his picture last night or anything, no sir! No, I was looking at a picture of former WWE Girls' Champion Tritch Stratus! Yeah, yeah, that's totally what I meant! And she was naked! COMPLETELY NAKED! And she was having sex in the picture! With me!

Uh… EVER!!!

Anyways, we're getting off topic. My point is that we now have photographic evidence of this Wad in action. Now I was going to provide some sort of creative photo-shopping gag (e.g. a pic of him in a wrestling ring against SHNITSKY!!!, or him in sexy… I mean, Tritch in sexy underwear), but then I thought of a better, less creepy, idea.

What if YOU stupid marks were to send me creative photos of Pyrofalkon, using this hot photo as a base? Be as rude, vile and disgusting as you want! I mean, what's PyroWad gonna do - sue me? Maybe he'd sue YOU, but not me…

Send your entries into bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  Enter early and enter often. The winning photo will be featured in a future ITR, and you will be immortalized forever for your artistic acumen.

What are "they all going to find out" on May 19^th? That The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain can't act!!!

The Oldline Onslut Completely Obscure Wrestling Reference Of The Week is sent to us by loyal ITR reader 8.ardent@adgenix.fr, who writes: "Last week, I was camping with my friends and one of the guys was bitten by a cobra and died. It reminded me of the time when Jake The Snake Roberts did that to Macho Man Randy Savage at This Tuesday In Texas. Only Savage ended up okay."

Looking for a hot new book to read? Check this one out! Ha - I fooled you, didn't I? You thought I was going to plug this book, but then I didn't. Totally faked you out. You should have seen the look on your face…

Rumor Killer: Is it true that E-C-Dub is really coming back? NO!!!

As you all know by now unless you're dunb, World Wrestling Federtainment Incorporated Inc. is just SEVEN DAYS away from its next paper-view spectacular, Judgmental Day. What follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect. Oh, and to break up the monotony of doing this same running gag 15 times a year make things a little more exciting, I've asked Smack! Down announcers Mitchell Coal and Tazzzzzzzz to lend their expertice esxpter xpertyies advice:

Main Event
Roy Mystereo Junior vs. John "Breadshaw" Lagerfeld
Undisputed Other World Title on the line 

Coal: Roy Mystereo is clearly the underdog here, because he's really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really small.

Tazzzzzzzz: It's like this, Coal. A lotta people think that JLB has this bad boy all wrapped up, but it should be off the hook. 

Main Event
Bobby Lashleroux vs. Bookie T
King At The Ring Semi-Finals 

Coal: I like this matchup, because both competitors are black. And Roy Mystereo is really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really small.

Tazzzzzzzz: No doubt about it, Coal. You're lookin' at an off the hook confrontation here that'll separate the men from the boys, Cole.

The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To vs. The Great Kallie (w/ Duhvari)
Casket Match Or Some Crap  

Coal: No one's ever delivered a beating to The Ordertaker like this guy. Except for the one he had a few months before this one. Or the one before that. Or the one before that. One thing's for sure, though, partner: The Great Kallie isn't really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really small.

Tazzzzzzzz: Lemme tell ya, Coal. I'm thinking that 'Taker won't be able to overcome the odds, and he'll lay down for the new guy. Because I'm a tool.

Main Event
Kur Tangle vs. Sexual Mark Chocolate 

Coal: This one could be the highlight of the night, because both men are former Olympians. FYI -- Roy Mystereo? Really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really small.

Tazzzzzzzz: I hear ya, Coal, but the bottom line is that Tangle's a former Olympic hero, while Mark's just a fat piece of shit. Uh, I mean, he can beat any given competitor on any given night. Or maybe that was S.D. Jones… 

Main Event
M&M vs. Bryan "Speedy" Kendricks and Some Other Douche
Imaginary Tag Team Title match 

Coal: Look for the team of to come out on top. 

Tazzzzzz: Now, let's see here, Coal. M&M have jobbed to Kendricks and Douche four times in a row now. Which leads me to believe that we're going to have NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! This one should be off the fuckin' hook!

Main Event
Melita vs. Jillian Mole
Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaat-Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! 

Coal: Will this be match of the night? BANK ON IT!!!

Tazzzzzzzzz: Thanks for the compliment!!!

Main Event
Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah vs. Fat Finley
No build up needed. Or at least no build up given. 

Coal: I don't think you understand what I'm saying here -- Roy Mystereo is really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really small. REALLY SMALL!!!

Tazzzzzzzzzz: Straight up, word, fo shizzle, Coal! Talk to the hand, girlfriend!

Do you think it matters what you think about my predictions? Well… IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!!! (The following Nostalgia Moment™ was brought you to be the refurbished Inside The Ropes website.)

And finally, here are five BRAND NEW ITR Trading Cards™. After we hit 100 cards last week, I realized that it was time for "Series Two". Note the multitude of differences in this latest series of cards:

Well, that about does it for this week. If you have questions, comments, or happen to have any single friends you want to hook me up with, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.