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INSIDE THE ROPES    
DVDs, PPVs, and Wads, Oh My! 

June 9, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker!" 
       -- King Bookie, 2006
 
Hello, everyone. Welcome to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and UN-FUCKING-CENSORED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm rebel without a clue Canadian Bulldog. We've got a ton to get to this week, but first a quick poll:

Who will be the next guy to quit Smack! Down?:
 

(A) Triple HHH.
(B) Bruno Santamartina.
(C) Carolina Hurricanes superstar Rod Brind'Amour
(D) All of the above.
(E) Yes.

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: "Now with 40 percent more pop-up viruses"). And here's how you all voted last time:

What will you be doing on May 19th?

(A) DON'T SAY THAT DATE!!! -- 15 %
(B) Buying Canadian Bulldog's book -- 25 %
(C) Seeing a movie -- 17 %
(D) Seeing a movie that WON'T suck -- 23 %
(E) Yes -- 19 %

And now, on to the news…

I got just 25 words for ya: Now that Vince MacMahon has forced Triple HHH to kiss his sexy bare ass, will The Criminal Assassin remain a heel forever? BANK ON IT!!!

I don't understand youngster Chavita Guerrera Junior. One minute, he's feuding with WWE Flyweight Champion Roy Mystereo Junior and the next minute… he's Roy's MANAGER? Who died and gave him an official WWE manager's license?

Look for Chavita to copy his cousin "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera by stealing Roy-Roy's Low-Riser! And then he'll tell Roy that he's the REAL father of his son Dominick! And then he'll die while brushing his teeth! And then someone else (probably The Mizzzzzzzz) will dedicate his career to Chavita! And it will be the best case of life imitating art ever!

EVER!!!

One Kain? Two Kains? That's WAY too many Kains, in this young scribe's humble opinion.

Gimme Just One More Night: As you all know by now unless you're nazis, World Wrestling Federtainment Incorporated Incorporated Inc. is just TWELVE DAYS away from the WWE Presents ECW Presents WWE's ECW's One More Night Again For Old Times' Sake II paper-view spectacular. Here is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what you stupid marks can expect:

Main Event
Spinning World Title Match

John Ceno vs. "Mr. Monday In The Bank" Rod-Van Damme

Wait, wait, wait -- RDV is in the main event? What the fuck is up with that? Expect Ceno to win handily with either his Fuck You finisher, his Shut The Fuck Up submission move, or his Five Knuffle Snuffle.

Main Event
Undisputed Other World Title Match

Roy Mystereo Junior vs. Saboo

Hey, guys: 1996 called -- they want their PWI Superstars Dream Match back! Of course, that was before Saboo had to have fucking stitches surgically removed from his brain, and Roy had to surgically remove wins from his fucking record!

ECW vs WWE Dream Match
Mick Farley and "The Rated E For Everyone Superstar" ThEdge vs. "Terrible" Terry Fuck and Johnny Dreamer

This all started when Farley opened up his Hard Core Belt out of its protective glass casing and tried to sell it on eBuy, but then ThEdge tried to buy it and his PayPal declined. So they decided to split the belt instead! But that angered Fuck, who said "Fuck! I'm Terry Fucking Fuck and you stupid fucks can't fucking do that!"

Thus, the match.

Main Event
Hometown Hero Challenge Match

Kur Tangle vs. Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!

Folks, this match is what Extreme Championship Fuckin' Wrestling is all about -- former Olympic medallists and complete morons, well-established by another company before they ever set foot in an ECW ring. Commissioner Paul Herman must be so fucking proud.

Main Event
When Overweight Announcers Collide!

Jerry "The King" Lawyer vs. Tazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

This one has the makings of becoming the best fat fuck commentator versus other fat fuck commentator match since Mean Gene Okerfeld battled Mike Madden during the final days of WCW.

Main Event
Impromptu Unannounced Match For No Apparent Reason

Danny Boring, Hamish Roadkill and "Japanese Hacksaw" Yoshihira Takajiri vs. Juventud Guerrero, Super Nutty and Psychotic

Look for the team of to come out on top. Fuck.

Also confirmed by my independent sources to appear on the show: "New" Jack, Sand Man, Balls Maloney, Chris Candida and His Fat Wife, The Blow Meanie, "The Franchise" Shawn Douglas, The Dudley Brotherz (but not those lame-ass ripoff ones currently in National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass; the ORIGINALS), SHNITSKY!!!, Bryan The Pill Man, Bruno Santamartina, Andrew The French Giant and possibly C.W. Andersen.

DVD this: WWE has recently released TONS of brand new DVD's, such as ones for Superstar Barry Graham, the Monday Night Wars and WrestelMania X-7. But are they stopping there? NO WAY!!! Here are five new collections that should be on shelves soon:
 

He's been called a "pioneer", a "visionary" and a "jobber" by industry watchers. Now relive the legendary career of Hillbilly Jim in this new five-disc collection. Highlights include Hillbilly's start as a fan discovered in the audience by Hulk Hogan; his subsequent losses on every single episode of Saturday Night's Main Event, WWE Superstars of Wrestling, WWE Calvacade, WWE Prime Time Wrestling and WWE Maple Leaf Wrestling. All this plus hilarious backstage skits involving porcupines, pigs and goats. Approx. running time: 90 minutes.
 

Mohammad Hassan -- a household name and icon in sports-entertainment. His intensity was unparalleled. His controversial personality is equally unmatched. Learn about the man and the myth from the people who witnessed his meteoric rise in a victory over Jerry "The King" Lawler at New Year's Revolution. Hear from the Superstars who worked with the man. Did he burn out or drop out? Relive his feuds with Eugene, Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker and more. 10-time WWE Champion Triple H calls Mohammad "the most unprofessional guy I've ever worked with, even though I never did." WWE Chairman Vince McMahon recalls how Hassan "lived his character a little too much" and was probably a real terrorist. And Eric Bischoff gets blamed for the whole thing. Approx. running time: 41 minutes.
 

Big Bubba Rogers. Diesel. Virgil. Mr. Hughes. Jesus. Chyna. None of these people really deserve their own DVD. Yet combined, they have been around for a long time, protecting their charges, running interference and, in many cases, taking an unnecessary beating after the bell. Highlights include Hughes getting schooled by Ken Shamrock after a legit fight, Virgil being destroyed by Brutus The Barber Beefcake on an episode of WWE Wrestling Challenge, and Jesus getting into a feud with a prominent wrestling writer. Approx. running time: 8 minutes.
 

George Hackenschmidt helped usher in a new era of sports- entertainment, thanks to his plain black wrestling trunks, hour-long restholds and non-existent mic skills. His innovative style has been liberally borrowed for the last 100 years by the likes of current WWE Legends Hulk Hogan, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Triple H, Max Moon and many more. Highlights include absolutely no video footage, as all of it was destroyed in a 1946 fire. Approx. running time: 6 hours.
 

Born into Good friends with Mexico’s first family of sports-entertainment, Rey Mysterio's career choice was only natural. In the ring, Rey was very unbeatable. He was part of the most popular tag team wrestling in Mexico. Fans worldwide were captivated with his high-flying style. Soon, he moved to Japan and experienced similar success. After returning to the United States, Rey's friend Eddie faced a challenge he was not prepared for: addiction. Surviving a car accident that almost killed him, Rey's friend Eddie felt he was bulletproof, resulting in reckless behavior that put his life, career and marriage in jeopardy. Then it all fell apart. The true test of any man is how he handles adversity. In one of the most inspiring stories in the history of sports-entertainment, Rey's friend Eddie Guerrero not only regained his life, he surpassed his wildest dreams. This is his story. Well, his friend Rey's story. Sort of. Highlights include his match against Rey Mysterio Eddie Guerrero. Approx. running time: 48 seconds.

Wow, those all sound FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC! Finally, I just wanted to update everyone on my "Pyrofalkon Is A Wad" photo contest.

Now, I started this a few weeks back, in honor of former (and FIRED!!!) OO columnist Pyrofalkon. Apparently, His Royal Wadness has some "problems" with those of us still on the web site (he's probably referring to Matt Horking and Adam Gesundheit) sullying his "good" name, so I guess it wouldn't be cool for people to harass him via e-mail. I mean, what's the worst he can do to me? Complain again?

Anyhoo, the contest is still on -- and feel free to keep sending me your entries via bulldog@onlineonslaught.com -- but here are some exemplary ones I've seen in recent weeks:

This first one is from someone who calls himself F. Ron Hubbard:

Wow, Ron, thanks for the compliment!!! Now here's one from The Shockmaster:

Wow -- I've got to say that one wasn't… my… FAULT!!! And finally, here's something from some (sexy) kid named C. Bulldog:

Hoo boy, you slay me, C. Bulldog. That's probably the best doctored photo ever!

EVER!!!

Well, that about does it for this week. Remember, if you have any questions, compliments or restraining orders, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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