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Now In Glorious Mono! 

June 28, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


"Ladies and gentlemen, we promised you a great show tonight… Wrestle-Mania!… Andre… The Giant… The largest arms in world… Rest in peace… Wooooo!… The Champ… Is… Heee-yah (Boooooo)… Ooooh yeah. Freak out, freak out!… Everyone has a price for the Million Dollar Man… You are a man, Kamala!… Enough is enough, and it's time for a change… What's mine is mine, and what's yours, is also mine... Folks, call me on the hotline… Who betta than Kanyon?… Uuuuu-maaagaaaa!… BANK ON IT!!!... If you smellllllalalalow… Gimme a Hell Yeah! YOU'RE FIRED!… what the world is watching!" 
       -- Vince MacMahon, weekly.
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SOMEWHAT RUSHED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm 17th century archeologist Canadian Bulldog. We've got a ton to get to this week (well, not much really, but that's my usual shtick), but first, a quick poll:

What do you think of New ECW?:

(A)         What's not to love?
(B)         Will get better when someone dies.
(C)         Best ECW ever!
(D)         EVER!!!
(E)         Yes.

Be sure to register your vote at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: "Ehhh, whatever.") And here's how you stupid dicks voted last time:

Who will be the next guy to quit Smack! Down?

(A)         Triple HHH - 6 %
(B)         Bruno Santamartina - 6 %
(C)         NHL superstar Rod Brind'Amour - 60 %
(D)         All of the above - 20 %
(E)         Yes. - 6 %

And now, onto the news… 

Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated: So last week, future OO Hall of Famer Webmaster Rick Scherer wrote that I was taking time off because, and I quote, "The fucking pussy is scared of Pyrofalkon."

Is there any truth to this fake news? In one word: yes and no. Yes, I'm taking time off here and there to ean-clay out the old ugs-dray out of my ystem-say. But to quote great American songwriter Ray Parker Junior, "I ain't scared a 'no Wad."

I will say this to one person out there; let's call him Wadley McWaddington for the sake of anonymity: You have a problem with the way I'm running my column? Then DO something about it, bitch!

Quit whining to The Rick and others about "e-mail abuse" and "invasion of privacy". Shut me up, Wad! In the immortal words of the late, great Eddie Guerrera - "Prove me wrong!!!"

Otherwise, I'm done giving you "free publicity" in my column. It's time to move on with our lives already (p.s. later on this column, look for the newest entries into my "Pyrofalkon is a Wad" contest).

State of the Game: Because this slow news week in the wrestling businesses is something we professional jornalists like to refer to as a "slow news week", I thought I'd do something a little different.

As you all know unless you're morons, there are now five "major" wrestling companies in North America (no thank you, IWA Mid-South!). So how about we dissect each of them to see who the top stars are and the outlook of the business? It's a little look at the State of the Game that I like to call "The State of the Game".

Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw:

General Manager: Coach Man
World Champion: Vacant (see page 61 for "Ratings Analysis")
Tag Team Champions: The Spirit Squadron (Mikey! Jeffy! Simon! Theodore! Allllll-vinnnn!)
International Champion: Sheldon Benjamin w/ Mama

Top 10:

1)     ThEdge (225 lbs., Toronto, Canada - wh00t~!)
2)     Triple HHH (312 lbs., Vinnie's MacMansion)
3)     Fake Kain (207 lbs., Death Valley)
4)     John Ceno (199 lbs., Wiggerville)
5)     Jerry "The King" Lawyer (213 lbs., Graceland, TN)
6)     Umagla (350 lbs., Hawaii)
7)     Hacksaw John Duggan (U-S-A! Yu-yu-yu-U-S-A! U-S-A! Hoooooo!)
8)     Charlita Caribbean Cruel (284 lbs., Mexico)
9)     Mickey Jane & The Ugly Chick From Her Past Life (478 lbs. combined, Seasonal Residences)
10)  Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! (235 lbs., St. Louis, MO)

Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw continues to prove why, week after week, it is the longest-running Monday night wrestling program with Eric Bischov's name in the title.

On one hand, you've got cocky young studs like D-Generated X using the show to prove themselves to the world. But then, there are ring-wise veterans like Shane O' Max, SHNITSKY!!! and Dick Murdoch's Kid that show you they've still got lots of fight in them.

One concern with this promotion is that the writers spend far too much time focusing one "big name" under which everything else revolves around. But I, for one, am happy that Vince MacMahon's Ass has received as much airtime as it has, as it's clearly willing to do what's best for the business.

Forever may be a long time, but that's how long I'm predicting EBMNR will be around. Will fans still flock to watch it in, say, the year 3036? BANK ON IT!!!

Friday! Night! Smack! Down!:

General Manager: T.D. Long
WWE Champion: Roy Mystereo Junior
Tag Team Champions: As If I'd Know…
U.S.A. Champion: Bobby Lashleroux

Top 10:

1)     John Breadshaw Lagerfeld (233 lbs., New York, TX)
2)     Fat Finley (260 lbs., Scotland)
3)     Fat Finley's Leprechaun (26 lbs., Wales)
4)     The Bald Gym Brothers (844 lbs., Gold's Gym)
5)     Deacon Bautista (2034 lbs., Spain)
6)     The Christian (206 lbs., Toronto, Canada - wh00t~!)
7)     Juventood Guerrero (133 lbs., Paris)
8)     Kenzoki Suzuki (299 lbs., China)
9)     Latin Heat Eddie Guerrera (237 lbs., Tijuana, Mexico)
10)  Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! (235 lbs., St. Louis, MO)

I'd be a fool if I didn't point out that there are more than a few problems in SmackDownVille:

First, the writers need to halt this whole pointless "Sexual Mark Chocolate injuring Chris Benwah" angle and bring The Rapid Wolverine back to work. And when are they going to finally turn King Bookie "heel"? I mean, shit or get off the pot, guys! Finally, isn't it time that Kevin Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!) returned to action?

Geez, it’s a wonder anything ever gets done on that brand. On the bright side, at least they still have those delightful Mexican Midgets to toss around…

EC F'N W (Extremely Crappy Fuckin' Wrestling):

General Manager: Paul Herman
EC F'N W Champion: "Mr. Monday In The Bank" Rod Van-Damme
Tag Team Champions: Bluh

Top 10:

1)     The Zombie (Weight unknown, parts unknown)
2)     Sand Man (214 kilos, Blackpool, England)
3)     Justin Incredible (233 lbs., New York or some shit)
4)     Little Greedo (6 lbs., Italy)
5)     The Best Show (575 lbs., parts unknown)
6)     Saboo (222 222's, Bombay, Indiana)
7)     Louie Spuccoli (Weightless, Graveyard)
8)     Johnny Dreamer (245 lbs., Bonkers, NY)
9)     Guy Who Does All That Cool Shit (?)
10)   Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! (235 lbs., St. Louis, MO)

Little-know fact: years ago, there was another promotion that went by the EXACT SAME initials. However, these don't have any connection to each other.

What this show needs, desperately, is to start using WWE stars more. Get someone who the hardcore E-C-Dub crowd can get behind, such as Boogie Man or The Spirit Squadron. Then, and only then, will EC F'N W take its place among the greatest wrestling promotions of all time.

And, sorry: how can they call themselves a "wrestling" promotion without any BACKSTAGE COMEDY SKETCHES???

NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass):

General Manager: Jim Coronet
T&A "World" Champion: Double Jeff Jarrod
XXX Division Champion: Samoan Joe
Tag Team Champions: B.J. Styles/Priest Guy

Top 10:

1)     Stung (302 lbs., Venice Beach, CA)
2)     Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash (702 lbs., Oz)
3)     Conan (402 lbs., LA)
4)     Rod "Mr. Truth" Killingspree (502 lbs., Universal Studios)
5)     Vacant (See Page 61 for "Ratings Analysis")
6)     Interchangeable X Division Guy (102 lbs., Japaxicoofamerica)
7)     The Abyss (602 lbs., Parts Unknown)
8)     Sonjay Duck (202 lbs., Himalayas)
9)     Rhinocerous (802 lbs., Canada)
10)  Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! (235 lbs., St. Louis, MO)

Heh… good ole T&A. Regular readers of this column (both of you) know how I feel about this group. Except that now, things have changed.

Why, you may ask? Because last week, for the first time since the Wednesday Night Era (typical main event: Vince Rousseau vs. Goldylocks), The Notorious D.O.G. went and purchased himself the paper-view spectacular Slamboreeversary.

And it all started out when Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash refused to job to a smaller guy! And then Scotty Too Steiner went on a rage fueled by steroids and alcohol and possibly cigars! Then Mike Tenney begged for him to stop! And Double Jeff Jarrod screwed someone over because of his connections backstage! And Stung was hiding in the rafters! And the main event featured Buffed Bagwell and Lex Larry Lugar against "Dogfaced Man" Rick Styner and Glacier! And it was the episode of WCW Thunder ever!


And in an effort to prove they're not WCW ripoffs, reliable Internet sources tell me that the company is *this close* (you have to see my hand gestures to appreciate it) to signing wrestling legend Bill Goldenberg. Is this a good move for the company? MAYBE!!!

Ring of Horror

Yeah, right....

Interview With A Chairman: Recently, I had the chance to sit down and speak over the telephone with WWE figurehead president Vince MacMahon. 

Now… instead of providing you with my usual EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript, I thought I'd give you a little treat instead.

I realize a lot of you out there (Cory Harris of Waldorf, Maryland, I'm looking at YOU!) think that I just "fake" my interviews to get a "cheap pop" from "the boys in the back". Not so.

Here are FOUR audio links to my attempts to talk sense into the normally reclusive MacMahon (click each link to play; requires Microsoft Media Player).

Part One: Here we discuss, among other subjects, his legacy in the so-called "circled square".

Part Two: Vinnie Max and I discuss the golden days of the business, and who today he thinks is likeliest to become the next big "breakout" star of WWE.

Part Three: MacMahon talks candidly about steroid abuse in the business, merchandising and who is and isn't gay in the business.

Part Four: Here, the Chairman admits that he stole MY ideas for the "InVasion" angle 

ITR Nation: Let me know what you think about these "exclusives" -- there may be more of these audio interviews available in the future if you all like what you heard…

Finally, I just wanted to update everyone on the fantastic contest we have going now called "Pyrofalkon Is A Wad".

A few weeks ago, I scoured the net and found a picture of His Royal Wadness.

Even though I'm totally not obsessed with him or anything…

Then, I encouraged all of you stupid dicks to show me your best doctored pictures of this jerk. Here are two more, courtesy of a loyal ITR reader, who writes: 

I have uncovered some shocking information on your favorite whipping boy.  He played a part in several 80's era BOY BANDS!  I am enclosing two shots. They are the best I could find, everything else having been destroyed in a mysterious "fire".

The first is a black and white photo proof of PF in Menudo.

The second was dug out of a trash can. It is a xerox of an early publicity shot of New Kids on the Block.

Wow, believe me when I say Thanks For The Compliment!!! And for those of you who want to add YOUR doctored pictures of The Wad to my ever-growing list, knock yourself out.

Well, that about does it for this week. I'm taking off next week because, well, I DESERVE IT, DAMMIT!!!

Remember, if you have any questions, comments, helpful criticism or new interview subjects for me, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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