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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Half-Baked... and Half-Hilarious

July 14, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog  (with Jeb Tennyson Lund)
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Hoo-RAY!" 
      -- Miz "The Mizz" Mizzington
 
 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SLIGHTY INSENSITIVE edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm two-time Tony award-winning actress Canadian Bulldog, and we've got a ton to get to this week. But first, a quick poll:  

Who’s the rightful NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) "World" Champion?

(A)         "Alphabet Male" Murphy Brown.
(B)         Mike Tenney.
(C)         Conan.
(D)         Vince Rousseau (with James E. Coronet in his corner).
(E)         Yes.

Be sure to register your vote at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: "Way better than Pyrofalkon's piece of shit blog"). And here's you stupid marks voted the last time I wrote a column, which was June 2003:

What do you think of New ECW so far?

What's not to love? - 15 %
Be better when someone dies. - 21 %
Best ECW ever! - 5 %
EVER!!! - 26 %
Yes. - 31 %

And now, onto the news…

But will they bring back the Smoking Skull Belt?: You probably haven't heard about this yet, but reliable sources have informed me that Rod-Van Damme and Saboo were arrested last week! And it wasn't just because of that whole homicidal, suicidal, genocidal "thing"! It was because they were in possession of Drugs like Marjui Marihua Pot and Cocaine and Uppers and Downers and Inbetweeners and LSD and IcoPro (You've Gotta Want It) and Extra Strength Motrin! And drugs, as it turns out, are Illegal in most states! Even though they're not in Canada, because we are FREE SPIRITS! Wh00t~! But they weren't convicted of anything, because their case was tried in Wrestlers Court! And John Breadshaw Lagerfeld said he'd "let it slide" so long as he could rape them in an "Extreme Rules" shower! And so that they wouldn't get busted again, RDV gave ME some really strange cigarettes and told me to smoke them right now! And it was the best… uh, storyline or… uh… something… it's just so… uh, like, you know, ever!

EVER!!!

Did you ever… you know, like… WOW!

Sexual Mark Chocolate is sooooo awesome! If he was single and I was, like, gay, and a wrestler who wanted to get hurt in the ring, I would TOTALLY… you know…

I could really go for a pizza right about now.

New ECW is arguably the best wrestling show in history. It, like, has EVERYTHING: independence from the "big two" federations, comedy spots galore, homely women stripping, and all your original ECW extremists. Except The Dudley Brotherz. And The Rookie Monster Rhinocerous. And Ravin. And Shawn Douglas. And Balls Maloney. And Eddie Guerrera. And… what was my point again?

Hee hee -- His name is Balls and he HAS balls. That is just… so fucking hilarious, dude!

As you all know unless you're, like, too, like, stoned or something, we are just TEN days away from the return of Saturday Night Live's Main Event.

So dizzy…

Main Event
Spinning World Title

John Ceno
vs. "The Rated E For Everyone Superstar" ThEdge (w/ The Returning Leeta)

Look for "Mr. Popular" (Ceno) to retain or win back his belt or something. Because the champ… is… HEE-YAH!

Main Event
Basically All The Wrestlers on Smack! Down

Deacon Bautista, Roy Mystereo Junior
and Bobby Lashleroux vs. Sexual Mark Chocolate, King Burger and Fat Finley (with William Royal, Queen Charlene and The Leprechaun)

Look for the team of to come out on top.

Ass-Baring Mayhem!
DeGenerated X
vs. The Spirit Squadron

Ever since Triple HHH and Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels have turned good, they're like, sooooo funny! Did you see them the time they embarrassed Vince MacMahon? HA - Fucking hilarious!

Main Event
Unscheduled Confrontation

Hollywood Hal Kogan
(w/ Hot Daughter) vs. Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!

I'm not sure what Kogan's problem is with "The Legendary Killer". Why can't we all just get along, man???

Main Event
Chicks Bouncing Up And Down

Torrie Watson
vs. Candace Cameron vs. Michelle Caribbean McCool vs. Crystal vs. Mickey Jane vs. Queen Vicktoria vs. Murrayia vs. The Homely ECW Stripper Chick vs. Assorted Others

I am SO STOKED for this one. Maybe because they're wearing bikinis, it means that, like, all the Divas dig me!!!

Ponder this: If you only took one minute, and you looked at it closely, it would be… billions and billions of seconds all put together.

Deeeep…

An open letter to Stupid Wrestling Fans Everywhere:

It's come to my attention that some of you have been knocking my boss, Webmaster Rick Scherer, saying that he doesn't support NWA T&A (National Wrestling Tits & Ass). But that's SO, like, bogus. And if you don't like that, you can take ME on! Because I love him, man, and not just because of that one summer in Dayton. He is the MAN, dude, and if you don't like it, you can… nah, fuck it. I LOVE YOU ALL!

Peace, out,
B-Dawg

 

Summer Blockbusters: It dawned on me while I was eating this tube of cookie dough that it's, like, summer, and this time for totally wicked movies. So here are some of them…

 

They're a couple of small-time crooks that have come up with the perfect heist. But to pull it off, one of them has to live undercover with a family, posing as their adopted child. Will it work out, or will he keep biting his new mother and father? Find out in…
 

 

It was a flight like any other, until he boarded. The serpents running amok everywhere were one thing; but once he scored some crack and Jack Daniels, the journey took on a life all it's own. Watch out, because this summer…

 

Whether it's looking for lasagna, sleeping in late, or hanging out with the dim-witted Odie, Garfield is adored by millions. Watch him gain some sympathy for the first time, though, as he goes through one of wackiest adventures yet in…

 

Everything is going fine for newlyweds Carl and Molly, until a special friend from Carl's past comes to live with them. Whether it's trying to cook breakfast or simply mimicking his favorite WWE superstars, hilarious hijinx are sure to ensue because it's…
 

 

In his first feature role, WWE superstar The Undertaker's battle with chest polyps forces him to confront his own immortality or undergo a revolutionary new medical procedure that anesthetizes him by burying him in dirt. Check it out in…

 

There's an international plot to funnel terrorism money through a high-stakes casino. Her Majesty's Secret Service can only use one man for the job. Someone who always overcomes the odds. Someone who doesn't care about his own popularity. Someone who prefers to enjoy his Sunny D shaken, not stirred. Someone who's Licensed to Thug. This summer, get ready for…

 

Heh… I SO made it through an entire column for once without saying lame-ass shit like "BANK ON IT!!!" or "Thanks for the compliment!!!" or "SHNITSKY!!!" or "Pyrofalkon's A Wad" or "Buy My Book!".

Where's my salami at?

Well, that about, does it for, like this week. Time to chillax a little and enjoy the mellow. I guess it wasn't a great idea to post this column in real-time to a law-enforcement newsgroup, but whatevs… So for Inside The Ropes, I'm like, so totally....

 

"I'M SHERIFF JOHN BUNNELL. THIS HOPPED-UP HEMINGWAY DECIDED TO PUT THE 'HIGH' IN INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY. WHILE THE
CANADIAN BULLDOG WROTE BULL ON HIS BLOG, THE MEN AND WOMEN OF LAW ENFORCEMENT WERE BUSY TRACKING THIS DRUG-CRAZED MANIAC FROM THEIR COMMAND CENTER FULL OF COMPUTERS CODED FOR CAPTURING CRIMINALS. THESE ONLINE OFFICERS USED THEIR CYBER-SLEUTHING TO FIND THIS BOWL-SMOKING SHAKESPEARE IN POSSESSION OF MORE THAN JUST AN ONLINE WEBSPACE... THEY FOUND HIM IN POSSESSION OF MARIJUANA. NOW THIS DEADBEAT DAD WILL BE BE SPENDING DAYS BEATING THE PAVEMENT IN A TEN-BY-TEN CELL IN THE BIG HOUSE, AND THE ONLY THING HE'S WRITTEN HAS BEEN A ONE-WAY TICKET... TO JAIL."

  
Jail?!? Webmaster Rick Scherer -- if you're reading this, please post bail! It’s the least you can after I outed you like that and everything. HELP!!!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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