Originally published February 3, 1959
Inside The Ropes: The Bees' Knees, Stalin's Superiority and MORE~!!!

"All Hail King George VI! All Hail King George VI! All Hail King George VI! All Hail King George VI! All Hail King George VI! All Hail King George VI! All Hail King George VI! All Hail King George VI!" 
           -- William Royal Senior

Welcome, cats and chicks, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SLIGHTLY RACIST edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Grandpa Bulldog. We've got more news than a greaser in brand new threads, so let's make the scene…
 

I'll be the first to admit that Gorgeous Greg has all the tools to rise to the top of the game, what with his long, flowing locks

Can you imagine what would happen if other fellas started dressing like dames? America, and to a lesser extent, Canada, would be ruined! RUINED!!! I don't want a world like that for my grandson, or else he'll probably turn out to be one of them no-good evil gays!

Speaking of "The Game", veteran grappler Single H continues to hold back young talent! And he gets away with it because he's really theson-in-law of Jess MacMahon! Still, I will give him full marks for having a well-groomed moustache, because it's the best handlebar ever!

EVER!!!

Does Coca Cola still have cocaine in it? Or did I miss that trend?

There is no finer wrestler these days than "The Big OO" Bob Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! Senior. Here's hoping he doesn't die any time soon.

What do you mean "too soon"? Too soon for what? It's 1959, REMEMBER?

The latest ratings are in, and it looks as though wrestling on The Dumont Network captured a 3.4 share on Monday, losing the night to both Texaco Star Theater With Milton Berle and I Love Lucy. However, Old-Tyme Wresstleing From Missourah did quite well on the American Broadcasting Corporation Radio Network.

Be on the lookout for newcomer BooBoo Brazil and his Cocobutt OF DOOM whenever he wrestles at an armory near you. Does the young Brazilian have what it takes to single-handedly break the color barrier and become a top star in wrestling? BET ON IT!!!

This just in: Pyrofalkon is a Wet Rag!!!

You know what really razzes my berries? Foreign wrestlers! I mean, why the devil do they need to feature Russkies and Japs and Other No-Good Pinko Commies in OUR "sport of kings"? I think this Cold War we're having, right around this rough timeframe, should turn into a Hot War, so we can blow all those foreigners' brains out! I'm beggin ya, Ike, pull the damn trigger already! Don't let Sir Winston Burchill take all the credit for the destruction of non-Americans!!!

Recently, I had the chance to sit down and speak over the telegraph to wrestling legend Johnny "The Hammer" Valentine. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript, which may not be reprinted if you are, or if you know of, a communist:

GB: Is this Johnny Valentine? (STOP)

JV: Actually, this is John Wayne (STOP). But the telephone has been around for some time now (STOP). Why are you using this outdated piece of equipment? (STOP)

GB: Thanks for the accolades!!! (STOP) Question number one: What were you thinking when you injured Chico Santana with your patented figure-four legstop? (STOP)

JV: I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about, cowboy (STOP).

GB: Question number two: Is the whole business a work? (STOP) Or is it fake? (STOP)

JV: What's your problem, pilgrim? (STOP) I'm not the guy you're looking for. (STOP)

GB: Question number three: Why do you wear that shinguard thing? (STOP)

JV: Look, partner. (STOP) I don't have time for this nonsense. (STOP) I'm supposed to warn my friends Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly and The Big Bopper about stepping on some plane today. (STOP) I only hope I'm not too late on account of your malarkey. (STOP)

GB: That's it. This telegram… IS OVER!!! (Stop)

JV: There are just some things a man can't run away from. (STOP)

Finally, here are some collectable ITR trading cards that can currently be found in packages of Unfiltered Cigarettes:

Well, that about does it week for this week. If you're wondering why this is shorter than my… er, my grandson's columns, it's because this is the fifties, and everything is in short supply! Stupid marks!!!

And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes. Later, gators!