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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Bulldog Gets Extreme? 

August 9, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"And if you're not down with that, we just got two words for  ya - SUCK MY COCK!" 
       -- D-Generated X, last week.
 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SHODDILY SLAPPED TOGETHER edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm southern Ontario-based cattle farmer Canadian Bulldog, and we've got a TON to get to this week.

Oh, and if you're wondering why I'm back so quickly after threatening to "pull 

a Lund", a/k/a taking my ball and going home, I've just two words for ya… CHECK (MY WEBSITE POLL) OUT!

 

Wow, more than SEVEN FRICKING THOUSAND votes on this most important subject!!! I'm flattered; I truly am. And now, onto the news…

 

An open letter to Chavito Guerrera,

Canadian Bulldog (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I have watched your entire family grow up in this business: Mondo, Hector, Eddie, Tito, Chavito Cola Classic, et cetera. And you're easily my favorite of the bunch (that is still alive, and can speak English).

My question: what the FUCK were you thinking when you turned your back on your best friend in the entire world Roy Mystereo Junior? Sure, he's been booked to look like an ass on Friday! Night! Smack! Down this past year, but is that worth Turning Bad over? I don't think so!!!

Might I suggest that instead of letting your famous Latin Tempers boil over, the two of you just sit down over a latté and some French crullers and get to heart of the problem? It worked for Triple HHH and Sean McMichaels; surely it can work for you too.

Oh, and enough with the "retirement" angle, already. Everyone knows how those always turn out to be phony in the end.

Peace, out,
B-Dawg

 

A big ITR "Mazel Tov" goes out to proud parents Triple HHH and Stephoney MacMahon-Taker-Test-Helmsley on the birth of their baby daughter Aurora MacMahon-Helmsley Era. And a note to wrestling's only royal couple and their new "Billion Dollar Princess": Even though he didn't get invited to the baby shower, my gift is in the mail.

Hardee Boyz Mystery: World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Incorporation Limited Corporation and Jeff Hardee have amicably agreed to part ways… to return to the ring! And Jeff had to tell NWA T&A (National Tits & Ass) to take their $55 a month and shove it! And now The Abyss will have no one left to fight every other month! And Jeff's new gimmick will be that he's mad at ThEdge and The Returning Leeta! But not for the reason his brother hates them, but because he has a secret man-crush on "The Rated E For Everyone Superstar"! Because he has teh gay! Only it won't go very far because Jeff will have an overdose on drugs in three weeks and die! And no one will be able to tell for several weeks after that because he looks half-dead already anyways! And Mike Hardy Version 2.0 For Windows and Sharon More will continue to cart him to arenas in their rental car because they can't tell the difference! And he'll probably STILL get a chance to go over Roy Mystereo Junior at one point! Because everyone else on Smack! Down already has! And it will be the best comeback ever!

EVER!!!

Speaking of NWA T&A, I've heard that… heh, just kidding. I've heard nothing. Are these guys still even around?

From the most popular man in the ring… to the most popular man on the silver screen? Numerous people are predicting that for young John Ceno, who is set to star in the upcoming WWE Films production The Maureen. Not only are there early Oscar Rumblings, but some are saying that this could do for his film career what Ceno Evil did for The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain! Does this film have Spinning Box Office Gold written all over it? BANK ON IT!!!

E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub! E-C-Dub!: As a public service to my billions of readers, here are the next several ECW on Spike TV main events:

August 15: ECW Champion The Best Show vs. Sylvan Grenouille

August 22: "Mr. Monday In The Bank" Rod Van-Damme vs. Coach Man

August 29: Saboo and King Bookie vs. Vampire Guy and Michael Coal

September 5: (BACK TO SCHOOL EDITION) Sand Man vs. Visceria

September 12: Canadian Bulldog's Birthday (ECW Cancelled)

September 19: Three-Way Dance -- Johnny Dreamer vs. Paul Herman vs. Torrie Watson

September 26: "Dream Partners Tag Team Match" -- D-Generated X vs. The Spirit Squadron

Kogan Knows Best? I DON'T THINK SO!!!: The medical results are in, and former WWE Hall of Famer Hollywood Hal Logan will be UNABLE to appear in his match at SuperSlam. Instead, Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! will have to take on Kogan's Homely Daughter in a one-on-one, loser-must-have-sex match. Serves "The Hulkstor" right for trying to walk at such an advanced age (42).

Other matches being "penciled in" for the paper-view include:

  • D-Generated X vs. Declan and Aurora Rose MacMahon
  • ThEdge vs. John Ceno (Special "Yup, Again" Match)
  • Roy Mystereo Junior vs. Chavito Guerrera Non-Classic (Winner gets right to rip off Eddie forever)
  • The Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To Vs. The Great Collie (cage made entirely out of drinking straws)
  • Deacon Bautista vs. "Al Hail" King Bookie (The first "worked shoot" in wrestling since Bulldog-Falkon '06)
  • The Best Show vs. Steve Romero ("Extreme Rules" Match)

If you're like me, wondering why the quality on Friday! Night! Smack! Down! has dropped in recent days weeks months years always… well, WONDER NO LONGER!!! Recently, I had the chance to sit down and talk over the telephone with District Manager T.D. Long. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:

CB: Hello, Teddy?

TL: Hi, I'm Teddy Ruxpin.

CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number one: Why are so many superstars claiming they're "injured" when we really know that's just code for "on lots of drugs"?

TL: You're my best friend in the whole wide world!

CB: Don't try to sweet-talk your way out of this, playa. Question number two: How come Palmer Carson hasn't been on television for the past couple of weeks? Probably "network business", am I right?

TL: Would you like to hear a story?

CB: I've had just about enough of your "stories", mister! Question number three: Did you hire The Great Collie under your "new talent initiative" because of his in-ring wizardry? Or because of his mad mic skillz?

TL: Turn over my cassette to hear side two of the story.

CB: Oh, no! I'm not buying any of yo' Haterade, playa - buhlee dat. Question number four…

TL: Turn over my cassette now.

CB: But what about the time you…

TL: NOW!

CB: But I just…

TL: NOW!!!

CB: Forget it! This interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up phone)

TL: Holla.

Is there anyone out there you're dying for me to interview? Well, don't bother, because my phone service has been disconnected recently.

One last thing before I leave you this week. Those of you who peruse the OO message boards may have noticed my good friend PyroFalkon complaining about my latest prank on him. Unless you believe the popular theory that I'M really Pyro, in which case this is apparently me complaining about myself:

It's about fucking time I say something publicly about this...

Canadian Bulldog, you've gone too far. The constant barrage of insults are bad enough, but you put in my e-mail address in one of your shitty columns, and this time don't have the decency to TELL PEOPLE it's my address. I've gotten several e-mails already, including one from some idiot named Gordus Maximus. Really... GORDUS MAXIMUS? Probably just you in disguise as usual.

I'm making a request, here... Rick, you've got to do something. End Bulldog's relationship with this site. I'm tired of working hard on things like the stat recaps and PPV precaps just to be shit on weekly by a hack.

Anyone who agrees with me, reply to this thread and support me. Maybe with enough of us talking, Rick will listen to reason. Call it a retirement, call it a firing, whatever. I don't want to see his name connected to this site from this day forward.

And Rick, edit those links to get rid of my e-mail address.

So… instead of pretending this comment didn't exist (much like does with the rest of the IWC), our own Webmaster Rick Scherer actually e-mailed me with the following request:

Hey, Bulldog (don't pretend like you don't know that's one of my favorite Beatles songs!) --

I'm not sure what the deal is with you and PyroFalkon, but I'm guessing this is one of those deals where, if you quit harping on it, the whole stupid thing would just go away.

And even if it doesn't? Well, maybe you want to score the points for being the bigger man and taking the high road.... I'm not sure who you're trying to impress by picking on a less-popular columnist, but I can't imagine there being any good reason for you to continue fanning these flames. So do me a favor and maybe think about just dropping it.

Thanks....

Rick

Let me address both of these remarks:

Pyro, you cowardly Wad -- don't forget that YOU started this "feud" way back when. Not me. You don't really think you can win, do you? You haven't heard the last of me, just because you "told on me", you little fucking pussy. And while I'm at it: gee, I sure hope no one signs this guy up for spam of a questionable nature (such as "R#al dizc0untz on ci@li$ and Vi@gr%").

Oh, and Rick -- thanks for backing me up on this, man. Really appreciate it.

No offense, but I think we all know how valuable I am to OO. I've already been recruited by one other site, while several others have sent out feelers over the years. We both know I could find work elsewhere in an instant.

People are calling for your head all the time for your constant whining about WWE, NWA T&A, local sports teams, etc. Yet the one time I even talk about quitting my writing, people FLOCK to my defense (well, all except the Tulane Law Boyz, but whatevs). They love me; they really love me.

Does Oldline Onslut need Canadian Bulldog a hell of a lot more than Canadian Bulldog needs Oldline Onslut? BANK ON IT!!!

And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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