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He's Back.... and Better than Ever! (EVER~!) 

September 7, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


For months now, many of you have been led to believe that the Online Onslaught columnists PyroFalkon (real name: Jon Habib) and Canadian Bulldog (real name: Scott Keith) have been "faking" an Internet "feud" in order to "work" the cynical "marks" out there to provide for an entertaining rivalry.
That simply is not true.
It was never really all that entertaining.
But we fooled you all! Even you Whiny Message Board Posters who claimed to have known better! And I know that because I have all your emails saying things like "Fight for your column, Bulldog"! You people know who you are! And even though it looked as though Webmaster Rick Scherer was in on it all, he wasn't! That's because  

his name isn't really "Scherer"! But Rick Scaia was in on it! As were the moderators over at the OO Forums that "banned" me! So all you Stupid Marks were Worked! And some of you, Sexually Aroused! And it was the best Pointless Internet Angle With Absolutely No Payoff ever!

Now that we've got that out of the way… welcome, everyone to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and TRIUMPHANTLY RETURNING edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm worked-shoot expert Canadian Bulldog, and we've got a ton to get to this week.

An open letter to Former Olympic Hero Kur Tangle:

Say it ain't true! Say it ain't true!

It's true, yes, that you have agreed to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Incorporated Limited Incorporated Limited Inc. But WHY???

Was it because "creative had nothing for you"? To me, that's a bunch of poppycock! If they can find something to keep SHNITSKY!!! busy, surely they can write something for you, too!

I think you simply need to claw your back to the top until you reach the "big time" (and just say NO THANKS to Ring Of Horror; we don't want to see you wrestle in that crap-ass promotion)! I don't care what it takes to get there! Just remember the Three I's: Integrity, Intensity and Injections (don't worry; I won't tell).

And if you don't come back? I'm guessing your legions of loyal fans will be severely disappointed, and will remember you, ultimately, as a wimp. Come on; would it really kill you to keep wrestling?

Peace, out,

What the HELL has gotten into ECW General Manager Paul Herman lately? One minute he's re-creating his vision of E-C-Dub exactly as we remember it, and the next thing you know… he's turning on Saboo?

Yes, perhaps people such as The Best Show and That Homely-Looking Stripper may better define his vision of "extreme", but that doesn't mean he has to dump on every Tom, Dick and Dudley who used to work for him.

Will Herman soon return to what "brought him to the three-way dance" and reassemble his Johnny Dangerously Alliance? BANK ON IT!!!

Have you happened to catch everything that's been going on in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) lately? Because I haven't.

You CAN see him (in a theater near you): Former Spinning World Champion Jon Cena is getting ready for his big-screen debut in The Marina. And it's already being called in some circles the second coming of Kain's box-office smash Don't See Any Evil!!!

Look for Cena to go crazy whenever the announcers talk about the movie's release date, shouting "Don't say October 13th! Everyone will know on October 13th!" Which means that after fighting a fake version of himself, the entire angle will be dropped!

Lie, Cheat, Steal, Exploit: It looks like Les Guerreros have finally been reunited! Only this time, instead of dead Eddie Guerrera, they're using his ex-wife Vickie Sue Guerrera to team up with nephew Chavito! This can only mean one thing: Roy Mystereo Junior may be headed for his first defeat in some time!!!

Speaking of teams, stables and randomly throw-together combinations: Hacksaw John Duggin and The Eugenius? Brian "Speedy" Kendricks and Paul England? The Highwaylanders? The Pitbulldogs? The Spirit Squadron? Call me crazy (you wouldn't be the first), but this may be the most exciting time for tag team wrestling ever!

EVER!!! (Yes, I know I already used up my "EVER!!!" quota this week, but it was appropriate.)

Bulldog On The iPod: While I was (heh heh) "suspended", yours truly started a second career! That's right, I am now doing audio webcasts on the brand-new Club WWI site! Do yourself a favor and sign up now, so you can hear my "Complete And Utter Bulldog" commentaries, as well as a bunch of other cool stuff by people who aren't me.

Oh, and on the subject of how great I am: thanks again for all the birthday wishes, everyone! What, you haven't sent me b-day wishes yet? Well, you've only get until til September 12th, so get bizzay! Or at least buy my book (yeah, I haven't given that up yet…)

I am so SICK of D-Generated X insinuating that Vince MacMahon loves cocks! He is a multi-billionaire, people - do you really think that Vinnie Max has time for pets? For once, I think that Triple HHH and Sean McMichaels may just be talking nonsense…

Speaking of movies (a few paragraphs ago)… when is Rocky Maivia going to close the loop on this whole "going to Hollywood" angle? I mean, it's time to return to the ring already!!! Trust me, I know a thing or two about gimmick going on far too long…

I Can't Get No (Stratusfaction): If you're a member of WWE Mobile Alerts like I am, you know about how The Returning Leeta blabbed about Tritch Stratus' impending retirement.

Well, being that we're both originally from Southern York Region (or, as it's known in the hood, SoYoRo), I figured I'd treat you all to an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED interview with the former 327-time Girls Champion.

TS: (mumbles something incoherent) Hello?
CB: Tritch, it's me - Canadian Bulldog!!!

TS: What?

CB: Don't pretend like you don't know who I am!
TS: No, I know who you are, Bulldog, but it's me. PyroFalkon!

CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number…
TS: What the f... dude, it's four in the morning! What the hell do you want?
CB: Question number one: Were you surprised when I shocked the world with my "shoot angle"?

TS: Um, not really. I was in on it the whole time, remember?

CB: Wait… are you coming on to me?

TS: Lord, no.

CB: Question number two: How did you think PyroFalkon felt to be totally put over by yours truly, being humiliated on a weekly basis?
TS: Well, I already.. uh... he liked it fine?
CB: And wasn't it the best Internet feud ever?
TS: I…
TS: I've got to go back to sleep.

CB: Look, stop thinking about getting me into bed for a minute and concentrate on the questions. Got it, toots?

TS: I'm a GUY!

CB: What? Thisinterviewisover!!! (hangs up phone quickly)

TS: What a Wad.

Finally, I just wanted to let everyone know that the ITR Trading Cards you've all grown up on, will be back shortly. But in the interim… I know a lot of people keep asking what I look like. So I figured what I'd do is, publish some recent pictures of The Notorious D.O.G. in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada:

This last photo was taken especially for Webmaster Rick Scherer. Yes, I'm drinking a Corona with frickin' lime! What are you gonna do about it -- suspend me?

Uh, maybe I shouldn't go there…

Well, that about does it for this week. Remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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