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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Unforgiving Bizarro World 

September 14, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"I'm not dumb enough to go swimming with stingrays the way Wild Bill Irwin did right before he died. Ahahahahahah!" -- Matt Teacher, 2006. 
 
Hello, and welcome, everybody, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SEX-FILLED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm despised Cuban dictator Canadian Bulldog, and we've got a ton to get to this week. But first, a quick poll:

Who should end Umagla's undefeated streak?  

(A)         Vince MacMahon
(B)         Some Jobber
(C)         Eddie
(D)         SHNITSKY!!!
(E)         Yes

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: "Finally updated after, like, six months.") And here's how you all voted back when I was (heh) working you stupid marks:

Should Bulldog Retire ITR?

(A)         Yes - 81 %
(B)         No - 17 %
(C)         Don't Ask Me; I'm Just A Girl - 0 %
(D)         She Suuuuuuure Is - 0 %

And now, onto the news…

Rapid Wolverine Returning?: Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah has just about recovered from his steroid abuse injury earlier this year! And he's going to return to his roots, namely Friday! Night! Smack! Down! And even his "Benwah is returning" vignette will be given ***** by The Wrestling Observant Newsletter! And announcer John Breadshaw Lagerfeld will say "I'm never even heard of that guy, dagnabbit!" even though he was his best man at his wedding! And in his first televised match back, he'll lose to Native Indian-American Tatatatatatanka! And then the Hollywood Writer Monkeys™ will come up with a gimmick for him where he's Asthmatic! So then Dean Simon and The Jimini will steal his asthma puffer! And it will be the least satisfying return to wrestling ever!

EVER!!!

Memo to Fat Finley: Do you think, just by beating the living crap out of Deacon Bautista with your nightstick and carrying Little Midget around with you everywhere, that makes you some kind of a tough guy?

And if so, do you think you can teach me how to be a tough guy? My old man gave up on my years ago, and I flunked karate back in the early 90's…

Former Little Heavyweight Champion Ex-Pack (Sean Whitman) made a "surprise" (which means FAKE!!!) appearance last week at a house show in Tampa, supporting his storyline friends in D-Generated X, as well as Area Resident Jeb Tennyson Lund. Does this mean he's definitely for sure headed back to WWE forever, or was he just there to score some free cocaine? BANK ON IT!!!

Who Betta Than Canyon?: Former WWE superstar Chris Canyon recently tried to get publicity AGAIN by telling the world he's gay. Then after he showed up at the SAME house show as Ex-Pac and tried to get some attention, he ranted about it on myspace.

But I wonder, maybe it would help the guy to just be more truthful. So I've rewritten part of his blog, substituting every time he casually mentions his sexual preference with the real reason why Vince MacMahon doesn't want him anymore:

Now, as recently as a few weeks ago, my goal was to return to the WWE, I guess in some ways not wanting to believe that I was really fired because I suck.  But I was curious.  Several attempts to contact and talk to the WWE about a possible return went unanswered.  And in trying to find out about the potential for a return, I found out from people within the WWE that my suspicions about being fired because I suck, according to them, were correct.

One person high up on the corporate side confirmed that Vince knew that I sucked and that was at least part of the reason that I was released.  This person told me that Vince has said in the past, "it is my company, and I can hire and fire whoever I want for whatever reason I want."  And, although morally I do not agree with that statement, in some ways I see his point and in some ways I agree with him… if it was a private company.  But the WWE is a public company, and Vince's top priority should be turning a profit for his stockholders.  He should not allow any of his personal animosity or prejudices towards any groups or individuals affect decisions that may affect potential profit for his stockholders.  But that is just my opinion.

I also heard from a high profile wrestler who was in both the WWE and WCW who said that he was aware of an agent who had also known that I sucked (it was not a well kept secret within the industry for many years), and that this agent would often talk of me sucking and he would refer to me in some circles as "that shi**y wrestler," and "that loser."  This agent was often responsible for my matches (the agent is often the liaison between the wrestlers and Vince McMahon), and on several occasions, I know that he lied to Vince about things that I had said and did.  I do believe that may have also been a factor in my being fired, but again, you can form your own opinions.

Some late-breaking news from NWA T&A (National Wrestling Tits & Ass). It seems that… heh, just kidding.

Bizarre: As you all know unless you're stupid, we are just THIRTY-FIVE days away from WWE's next paper-view spectacular, Unforgiving. Now, because it is taking place in my home town of Toronto (motto: "Best Wrestling City Ever! EVER!!!"), I feel I am an expert on exactly what will go down. Here is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview:

Main Event
Tables, Ladders, Chairs, Desks, Lamps, Two Nightstands and One Broken Sofa-bed Match

Jon "The Marina" Cena
vs. ThEdge

The natural inclination for Toronto fans would be to "boo" Cena because he's, well, lame, and cheer ThEdge because he's a hometown boy, and also because he stole my catchphrase more than a year ago.

But because Toronto is "Bizarro World", we'll start cheering Cena! Even when he makes lame raps like this:

Yo, yo, yo…

I'm here in The T Dot, the home of Da Leafs,
ThEdge is teh gay, 'cause he doesn't wear briefs!
And because he's from Canada, ThEdge likes free trade,
Even though he's teh gay and he never gets laid!

Except by Leeta, of course.

World Life!

So then we'll start booing ThEdge, and he'll shout "This is bogus! You people here in Toronto suck! BANK ON IT!!!". And because of that, we'll start cheering him. So then he'll smile and say "Well, at least Toronto fans recognize good talent" so then we'll boo him again.

Main Event
Hell In The Cage

D-Generated X (Triple HHH, Sean McMichaels)
vs. The Corporate Ministry (Vince MacMahon, Shane O' Max and The Best Show)

For days now, those crazy kids have been causing all kinds of headaches for Vinnie Max, calling him a jerk, insulting his sexiness and playing pranks on world dignitaries.

Now it's time for the family MacMahon to shine. Watch for Best Show to dive off the top of the cage backwards in a spectacular stunt, but because it's happening in Toronto, we're going to boo him for it.

International Title
Jeff Hardee's
vs. Johnny Night Ro (with Melita)

Ever since WWE brought The Christmas Engima back, fans have been asking one question: "Why?".

Nonetheless, look for this one to be a "Wellness Program Rejects Special" because Hardee's was fired for doing drugs, and Night Ro was suspended for the same thing a while ago (or maybe it was his partner. Who knows? Either way, the Toronto fans will boo both of them out of the building).

Main Event
Girls Title Match

The Returning Leeta
vs. The Retiring Tritch Stratus

Look for Tritch to win the strap here in her final match, because that's what WWE always does for wrestlers on their way out, and then she'll thank all of her fans for supporting her all this time (especially those of us originally from Southern York Region - wink, wink), so that the Toronto fans can start booing her and supporting Leeta instead. But because Leeta and ThEdge are real-life boyfriend and girlfriend, the Toronto fans will crap on it because they hate romance!

Main Event
Charlita Caribbean Cruel
vs. Randy Orton! ORTON!! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!

Because we in Toronto are a diverse and multi-cultural city that accepts all types of races, religions and other stereotypes, look for us to boo everyone involved here.

Main Event
Crap-Ass Tag Titles On The Line

The Highwhackers
vs. The Spirit Squadron

Look for the team of to come out on top. But because it's in Toronto, they won't!!!

Main Event
The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain
vs. Umagla (with Armando Jose Estrada Allejandro Essa Rios)

According to top-secret, members-only booking plans, movie star Kain was supposed to end The Samodian Bulldozerdog's lifelong undefeated streak. But because it's in Toronto, he'll probably get pinned by Umagla's vicious Thumb To The Neck finisher. But then a second referee will run to the ring and tell the first referee that it's Toronto, and the only characters that get over are cheesy nostalgia acts. So then Kain will revert to his previous gimmick (Doctor Isaac Yanks 'Em) and Umagla will revert to his previous gimmick (Poppa Shango) and the fans will go crazy!!!

 

Does "interview" count as one of the Three I's?: It recently came to light (thank YOU, WWE Mobile Alerts!) that former Olympic hero Kur Tangle has had to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. Plc. Since then, his true wrestling story has been widely debated. Recently, I sat down and talked over the telephone to the former 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, 5-time WCW Champion:

CB: Is this Kur Tangle?

KT: Actually, this is former professional skating superstar Kurt Browning

CB: Wow, what an obscure reference. Question number one: why did you hang up the boots?

KT: We call them skates, but the reason I retired was because I felt I'd done it all, really.

CB: You never won the E-C-Dub title.

KT: Um… I suppose that's true. Anyways, are you sure you don't have me mixed up with someone else?

CB: Thanks for the compliment!!!  Question number two: What are you going to do now that Vince MacMahon has fired your drug-riddled ass?

KT: But I never… he never… um, well, I did "Skating With Celebrities" recently...

CB: I thought that was Chuck Jericho.

KT: I am so confused…

CB: "Confused" because of the drugs your ass riddled? Or "confused" as in "Chris Canyon"?

KT: The guy who sucks?

CB: Hey, that was MY joke! Question number five: did you REALLY win your Olympic gold medal with a "broken freaking neck"? Or were you just working people, like PyroFalkon and I did?

KT: First, I think you skipped a few questions there and second, I didn't win the gold medal. However, I was in three Olympics, according to Wikipedia

CB: Oh, so you're changing your story now? I thought you had "integrity"! I thought you had "intelligence!" I thought you had, uh, something else that started with I! That's it! This interview… IS… OVER!!! (hangs up)

KT: Wait, the whole PyroFalkon thing was just a work?

CB: It's true! It's damn true!

KT: I thought you already hung up the phone.

CB: Piss off.

If you have anyone that you're DYING for me to interview, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.

That about does it for this week. I am STILL working on the next series of collectable ITR Trading Cards (no thanks to those bastards at Yahoo Photos) so they should be ready soon. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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