"All my catchphrases have been copyrighted by WWE. It sucks, it damn sucks!" -- Kur Tangle, next week.
 

(A)         "Sucktacular!"
(B)         "StraighttoDVDriffic."
(C)         "Whatthefucktertaining."
(D)         "SHNITSKY!!!"
(E)         Yes.

Be sure to register your vote at the official Inside The Ropes website (Motto: "May contain traces of peanuts."). And here's how you stupid marks voted last time:

Which 90's star should WWE bring back next?

(A)         Zak Gowan - 3 %
(B)         T.L. Crapper - 6 %
(C)         SHNITSKY!!! - 6 %
(D)         Flyin' Bryan The Pill Man - 45 %
(E)         Yes. - 39 %

And now, onto the news…

Next week, World Wrestling Federtainment Inc. Corp. Ltd. will present its third semi-annual Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw Hardcore Homecoming II. The four-hour primetime special will feature superstars including, but not limited to:

• ECW Champion The Best Show
• Chavita Guerrera (w/ Vickie Sue Guerrera)
• Triple HHH
• The Bad Boss Man
• "Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels
• SHNITSKY!!!
• Kur Tangle
• Assorted Others

Watch for all three brands to start fighting over which one sucks the most, as judged by 1wrestling.com! And they'll probably have a food fight or something similarly amusing! And you just KNOW that pie will end up in the face of ThEdge! And he'll complain how it’s a big conspiracy that everyone is trying to pieface him! And then D-Generated X will throw Queen Charlene into the ass of King Bookie! But it turns out she's into freaky stuff like that! And so is Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! And, to a lesser extent, Saboo! And then Stripper Kelly will strip down her clothes (NAKED!) and reveal that she's really See 'Em Punk in drag! And then Hollywood Hal Kogan will enter the ring with his Jailbait Daughter to announce that they're resurrecting a FOURTH brand in WWE -- the return of the XWF (No Primadonnas Allowed)! Only most of their big stars are dead! And it will be the reunion show ever!

EVER!!!

What the HELL has gotten into Benjamin Shelton lately? One minute, he's a happy-go-lucky International Champion and Mama's Boy, and now… HE'S A RACIST?!? Maybe you best steer clear of sexy Coach Man with your hate-filled comments, lest he fire yo' ass and then you ain't won't have a job… NOWWWWW!

Speaking of fired: Say goodbye to Justin Incredible, who was shitcanned this week because he used to be a member of Ex-Factor, and Cid Cash, who was booted because he looked too much like Oren Heart. Could The Hardy Brotherz, Deacon Bautista and Shane MacMahon be far behind on the unemployment line? BANK ON IT!!!

Last week, I regret to report that I erroin eron ereonusly wrongly reported that Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld was leaving World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. LLC. Folks, I was simply incorrect. While I'm at it, I'd like to mention a few other errors I may have made over the years…

As you all know unless you're idiots, we are just three weeks away from Friday! Night! Smack! Down's next shitty PPV Have Mercy. Here is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect:

Main Event
King's Crown On The Line
King Bookie vs. Bobby Lashleroux  

All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie! All hail King Bookie!

I expect Lashleroux to win here.

Main Event
Filler
Deacon Bautista vs. Fat Finley (with L'il Bastard)

Every once in a great while, a match comes along that exceeds our expectations. A match that challenges both competitors and pushes their limits, showing that they have something to prove. A match that… aw, fuck it. This isn't one of those matches.

Main Event
U.S.A. Title On The Line
The Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To vs. Kevin Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!)

For weeks now, Mr. Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!) has been bragging that, unlike the other 45,000 superstars who thought they had the secret to beat Ordertaker, he has the secret to finally topple The Death Man for good. And when Taker gets into the ring, Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!) will shoot him through the heart and Taker will die. Only it won't be one of those "gimmicked" guns you can buy at Wall-Mart, it will be the real thing.

And, uh, then he'll die.

Main Event
Crappy Tag Team Title Match
Brian "Speedy" Kendricks and Paul England vs. That Guy Who Looks Kind of Like Bobby Eaton and The Other Guy

Look for the team of to come out on top.

Main Event
Little Heavyweight Title Match
Mike Hardy Version 2.0 For Workstations vs. Gregory Helmsley

These two used to be the best of friends, then Gregory slept with Mike's girlfriend. Or something. Look, this is the opening match on a Smack! Down! paper-view. WHO GIVES A CRAP?!?!

Main Event
The debut of V.I.P.

For months now, we've sat on the edge of our seats (FYI - VERY uncomfortable doing that for more than a week at any given time), wondering whether Montreal Vivacious Porterhouse would sign with Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, Friday! Night! Smack! Down, ECW or, perhaps, something in Japan.

Now, we don't have to sit on the edge any longer (and a good thing, because my ass is KILLING ME) because VIP will FINALLY make his debut! And probably lose to Tatatatatatanka or some shit.

I'm Ba-ack! And betta than ever! (EVER!!!): As you all know, Eric Bischov, the former district manager of Eric Bischov's Monday Right Raw, returned to the big time to discuss his new book, Cash Causes Compensation.

Fortunately, I was able to snag an "advance" copy of the manuscript that Bischov just received from WWE Publishing Corp. Here are some excerpts to whet your appetite:

...

Putting Nash and Hall together was a masterstroke. Here you had two recognizable names from the World Wrestling Federation and, at first blush, it appeared as though they were still working for an okay move, but it was nothing compared to the true genius of Vince. When we added Hogan to the mix, it was truly an impressive combination. I knew that Mr. McMahon was eventually going to kick our ass in the ratings, just like he did against the federal government.

...

We rounded up a lot of great talent from Mexico, Japan and elsewhere wrestlers WWE didn't want anyways because they sucked. I honestly think that was one of the reasons we kept beating we cheated to occasionally top Raw in the ratings.

...

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing but respect for Ric Flair in the ring -- hell, I used to watch his matches against Dusty Rhodes at the Omni Jimmy Superfly Snuka against Don Muraco, which is available all this month on WWE 24/7 -- but he I often rubbed people the wrong way. When he no-showed that taping of Thunder to watch his son's wrestling tournament, I knew I had to take swift action So I suspended Flair for no good reason. P.S. His friend Triple H rules!.

...

It was tough at times I was never really good at competing against Vince, but I think I became a formidable competitor over time because all I knew how to do was spend Ted Turner's billions. And it goes without saying that without the competition from WCW, Vince's product has become stale, because the man is clearly a fighter I am a big dick. Oops, did I say Vince earlier? I meant to say Mr. McMahon.

...

Russo was a real asshole to work with.

...

When Vince decided Mr. McMahon was gracious enough to bring me into WWE, I was more than a little skeptical. What did he want from me? How long was he planning on humiliating me for? Was he going to twist my words? I just didn't know couldn't believe my luck! That said, I had fun in my role on Raw thank my lucky stars every day that Mr. McMahon allowed me to work for his company.

...

After I was taken off television FIRRRRRRRRRRRREDDDDDDDD by WWE, I took my wife Loree Stupid and the kids, and we went on a long vacation. You know, my quality of life is tremendous right now, and I have very little to complain about I have a retard for a nephew. Ahahahahaha! I am so lame.

Finally, here are some more collectable ITR Trading Cards for your friends and enemies to enjoy:

That about does it for this week. If you have any questions, comments or wicked propositions for me, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.