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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Broadway Bound (for Glory?), and 
Other EXCLUSIVE~! News

October 19, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"I'm Robbie, and this is my cousin, Not Robbie."
"I'm Not Robbie."
     -- The Highwhackers, 2006.

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and NUTRITIONALLY COMPLETE edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm famed tobacco lobbyist Canadian Bulldog. We've got a ton to get to this week, but first, another week means.... you guessed it! Another quick poll:
 

Who will win at NWA T&A's Bountiful Glory PPV?

(A)         Kur Tangle
(B)         Some Flippy-Floppy Guy
(C)         The Stupid Mark Fans
(D
)         SHNITSKY!!!
(E)         Yes.

Be sure to register your vote at the official Inside The Ropes website (Motto: "11 days since last explosion"). And here's how we all voted last time:

Which 90's star should WWE bring back next?

(A)         Zak Gowen - 6 %
(B)         T.L. Crapper - 10 %
(C)         SHNITSKY!!! - 12 %
(D)         Flyin' Bryan The Pill Man - 42 %
(E)         Yes. - 30 %

And now, onto the news…

OMG Wanna Cyber?: World Wrestling Federtainment Incorporated Inc. Incorporated has announced a BLOCKBUSTER for its next paper-view spectacular, Cybersex Sunday (or, as it's known in Bulldog's house, Sunday)! For the first time in recent history, the three most dominant champions from the last decade -- Jon Cena, Booker King and The Best Show -- will battle it out! And because it's an "Interactive" PPV, the fans can decide who gets booed! And they're going to make it a No-DQ match! So instead of Dairy Queen, the wrestlers will bring in delicious Cold Stone ice cream! And that will prompt Good Ol' JR Ewing to quip "Cold Stone! Cold Stone! COLD STONE!" And that whole joke was written just for the benefit of two or three people! And in the end, Cena will win because he always does! But then The Bad Guy From The Marina will show up and shoot him, as payback for exploding him so many times! And Booker King will do his Spin-a-roni in center ring to close the show! And it will be the best Fatal Three-Way match ever!

EVER!!!

A free book? For FREE? Really? SERIOUSLY??? Click over here to get all the juicy details…

Now that WWE has FIRRRRRRRRRRED the collective candy-asses of "The Queen of Francine" Extreme and Gunther Scott, are the company's days of cutting costs over? BANK ON IT!!!

R.I.P. (No, not the character in "No Holds Barred"): The wrestling world recently lost perennial WCW Worldwide jobber Joey Mags. Look for Roy Mysterio Junior to change his look and begin dedicating all of his matches to Joey's career. He'll even get eliminated first in virtually every battle royal, as "that's the way Joey would have wanted it."

Speaking of The Marina (a few paragraphs ago), I happened to catch the smash hit film last weekend with The Big Rybowski, co-host of my "Complete and Utter Bulldog" audio show. A lot of people thought the film would suck because evil Triple HHH held him back, but now that I've seen it, let me just say… IT'S FREAKING AWESOME!!!

Here are my 10 favorite parts of the film (WARNING: SPOILERS AHOY!!!)

1)     When Cena first walks on the screen, how everybody boos him.
2)     When that thing explodes.
3)     The way the commanding sergeant makes Cena kiss his ass.
4)     The needless walk-ons by members of The Spirit Squadron.
5)     Cena five-knuckle shuffling the bad guys.
6)     The "Yo, Mama" jokes.
7)     When that other thing explodes.
8)     Near the end, how a crazed Cena keeps muttering "Everyone will know on May 19th…"
9)     The big explosion scene.
10)    How the whole thing is loosely based on the downfall of WCW.

As you know unless you're stupid (likely), we are just SIXTEEN days away from the biggest crap-ass paper-view in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) history, Bountiful Glory. Here is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what to expect:

 

Heh. Just kidding…

But will there be a Playbill Pillow Fight?: Recently, I stumbled upon (okay, fine, stole) plans for a BRAND-NEW WWE dramatic arts division!!!

"This is an extension of the storytelling we already do," WWE Figurehead Commissioner Vince MacMahon said, um, when I called up and asked him recently. "Quite frankly, I'm surprised it's taken me this long to bring our action-adventure series to Broadway."

Without any further delay, here are some of the preliminary projects for WWE Musical Theater Productions, complete with brief synopses and -- OMFG~! sample lyrics!!!:

...

This "Hardcore Wizard" overcame the odds and the disability of not having any talent, and turned his dreams into a career… TO THE EXTREME!!!

Every since I was a young boy,  
I've worked the Bingo Hall.
From Philly down to Jersey,
I must have worked 'em all.  

And even though our wrestlers
are, like, sixty inches tall
Those dumb, drunk and drugged guys --
Sure know how to brawl
 

...

Young Booker T learns the hard way that even he just can't wait to be king, there will always be people out to topple him. Unless he stays on SmackDown, because everyone there sucks…

Booker:

Listen up, you peasants,
Y'all should kiss my feet.
I'm the King of the SmackDown world,
that means I can't be beat.  

Sharmell:

All shall hail King Booker!
I'll say it now once more.
All shall hail King Booker!
And no, I'm not a whore.  

Together:

And can you dig it, sucka, tonight?
It is where we are.
It's enough for this five-time - WCW Champion,
That we got this far.
 

...

Finally, for the first time on Broadway… WWE remembers the legacy of the late Eddie Guerrero the best way we possibly could -- through a look at his storyline with freakish-looking valet.

   

Eddie:

Mamma Cita, here I go again.
My, my, how could I have liked you?
Mamma Cita, you look like a man.
My, my, how could I have kissed you?

Yes, I was young and foolish,

But I deserved one less ghoulish
Why, why, did I ever pick you?

Mamma Cita, now I really know,
You, you, should have managed Big Show. 

...

Hilarity ensues when former WWE manager Debra is haunted by the spirit of her ex-husband and Texas Rattlesnake Stone Cold Steve Austin.

   

Debra:

Last night, he flipped me off,
Through shat-tered glass.
Said "Austin Three Sixteen,
just whooped my ass". 

Will I get stunned again?
Give me a sign!
The Phan-tom of the Austin is here…
That's the bottom line.  

Phantom:

Come drink again, with me
Throw me, a beer
I don't trust anyone
I say, "F*ck Fear" 

Look 'atcha in yer little dress!
WHAT? Ya gonna whine?
The Phan-tom of the Austin is here…
That's the bottom line.
 

...

Wrestling promoters Mr. McMahon and the (um) product of his semen Shane McMahon purposely try to put on a show so bad that it HAS to lose money (Am I right, people?). Hilarity ensues when they constantly involve their family members… TO THE EXTREME!!!

   

And now it's…

Springtime, for Linda, and Stephanie!
Spirit Squad is happy and gay.
We're growing all our muscle mass,
Don't like it? You can kiss our ass! 

Springtime, for Linda, and Stephanie!
Stamford's a fine land once more!
Springtime, for Linda, and Stephanie!
Watch out, world,

We're going on tour! 

He's a man's man: At the recent Friday! Night! Smack! Down! PPV Have Mercy, we (accidentally?) got to see Lord William Royal's Charlie Browns on worldwide television. I recently had the opportunity to sit down and talk over the telephone with the former ambassador to Quebec. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript:

CB: Hello. Is this Lord William?

WR: Actually, this is Prince William. How may I be of assistance?

CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number one: How did it feel exposing your Linus to the world?

WR: Errr… are you sure you don't want Prince Harry?

CB: You have a NAME for it??? Ewwww… Anyways, question number two: how did it feel when you had to kiss the big guy's ass?

WR: Well, he's my father, and I have to support his relationship with Camilla, so…

CB: I thought he was dating Candace now…

WR: HE IS?!?! Oh, father…

CB: I agree -- it's so hard to keep up with that wacky Mr. MacMahon… Question number three: Did you enjoy it when that Pirate Guy made you wear a dress?

WR: Keith Richards?

CB: That may have been his name. Honestly, I don't watch the show anymore…

WR: What show?

CB: Sorry -- "Sports Entertainment". My bad. Question number…

WR: Um, sorry. Hello? Excuse me, I do have some sort of sissified tea party to attend, so I must be leaving, I'm afraid…

CB: Don't pull that crap on me, Royal. This interview… IS OVER!!! (Hangs up)

WR: All hail King William! All hail King William! All hail…

Well, folks, that about does it for another week. Remember, if you have any questions, compliments, compliments, or compliments to pass along, be sure to drop me a line at Bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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