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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Bulldog Attempts to Out-Sick the Rick! 

November 18, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"What is your name?"
"I'm…"
"I never ASKED you what your name was!"
         -- Rocky Maivia, 2000 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SLIGHTLY PHLEGMMY edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm recovering sick patient Canadian Bulldog (by the way, thanks for sending all those "get well soon" letters, you heartless bastards!) and we've got a ton to get to this week. But first, a quick poll:  

 
Who is the TRUE "Champion of Champions"?

(A)         Jerry "The King" Lawyer

(B)         That guy who won a bunch of belts way back when.

(C)         Rocky Bellboa

(D)         SHNITSKY!!!

(E)         Yes.

 

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: "Motto? The hell do you want from me? I'M SICK!!!"). And here's how you stupid marks all voted last time:

What will win in the main event of T&A's Bountiful Glory?

(A)         Kur Tangle - 8 %

(B)         Some Flip-Floppy Guy - 10 %

(C)         The Stupid Mark Fans - 15 %

(D)         SHNITSKY!!! - 36 %

(E)         Yes. - 29 %

And now, onto the news:

An open letter to Kevin Fedexline: 

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!). I'm a huge fan of your "in-your-face" style of hip-hop music, and have most of your albums and related merchandise.

At this point in your young life, you have everything a guy could ask for: musical talent, dancing ability like NO ONE'S BUSINESS, several children (that we know of), a HOT young wife in Britney Murphy and a smash hit CD that will be at the top of everyone's Christmas and Chanukah lists this year.

But K-Fud, why risk it all by fighting ex-Marine Jon Cena?

I know, I know -- Wrestling's supposed to be "all phony baloney" and "very easy to do". But what they don't tell you about is all the accidental injuries that may occur.

Does this phrase not ring a bell to you?

"How do ya learn to fall off a 20-foot ladder? I thought Shane might have been knocked out. He may have been broken in half! Trainers, EMT's on the scene… Dislocated my right shoulder… My neck had fragmented into my spinal column… How's he even able to stand?"

Yes, this is entertainment, but the hazards are real. Please, don't try this at home.

(Don't try this at home)

Peace, out,
Canadian Bulldog

Controversy Creates Crap: Former WCW Monday Night Ro figurehead commissioner Eric Bischov has decided that he's going to side with "The Rated E For Everyone Superstar" ThEdge and Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! And soon he'll start calling them the newest World order! And they'll grow to, like, 30 members in no time, including Buffed Bagwell, Scott Norton Utilities, Stevey Ray, SHNITSKY, Lance Cake and Howlin' Mad Trevor Murdock! And then they'll split into a bunch of meaningless factions! And all of them will be destroyed by D-Generated X anyways! And then Scott Hal will wake up from a drunken coma and show up on Raw and say "THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!?"! And it will be the best invasion angle ever!

EVER!!!

It seems as though the powers-that-be at NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) are getting ready to turn former 26-time World Champion Double Jeff Jarrod babyface. In a related story, no one gives a shit.

HAVE I MENTIONED I'M SICK???

Eugenius: What in the HELL has gotten into Mean Eugene lately? One minute, he's a happy-go-lucky retard, and the next thing you know… he's mentally unbalanced? If I were Jigsaw Duggan, I'd steer clear of Eric Bischov's younger brother for a while…

In this humble Bulldog's opinion, if I were Deacon Bautista (and I'm not, so please stop making the obvious comparisons), I would stop acting as Booker King's royal bodyguard and start challenging him to a title match.

I mean, what are you waiting for, Big Dave? It's been a year since you gave up the belt because you were crying like a little wimp over Eddie Guerrera's death. I'm sure the 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, 5-time WCW Champion and 1-time, 1-time Smack! Down World Champion would grant you a title shot. All you have to do is ask.

Or at least threaten Queen Charlene.

SO… VERY… SICKKKKKK…

One brand is better than two?: WWE President Vincent Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!) MacMahon recently forced Smack! Down District Manager T.D. Long and E-C-Dub Creative Mastermind Paul Herman to work together on house shows because each brand ran out of money trying promoting their lame roster in crap-ass cities like Dayton, Ohio, Brandon, Florida and Wherever Matt Hocking Lives. Is this the shot in the arm E-C-Dub needs to finally look more like the original product? BANK ON IT!!!

Recently, I had the chance to sit down and talk over the telephone with wrestling's top Samoan superstar. No, not that one. Or that one. The other guy… yeah, him.

What follows is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript with the undefeated Samodian Bulldogzer… UUUUUUUUUMAGLA! This interview may not be reprinted, in whole or part, unless you repeatedly bother Webmaster Rick Scherer via email.

Oh, and one other small thing: I made this telephone call after I'd given a blood sample to my doctor yesterday, and had consumed quite a bit of delicious NyQuil to soothe my cold (I'M SICK - REMEMBER?). Also hit the booze a bit. Here we go:

CB: IS THIS UMAGLA?

U: Uh… well, it's Umaga. But yes.

CB: HA! I HARDLY GET THESE PHONE NUMBERS RIGHT EVER!

U: Who gave you my…

CB: EVER!!!

U: … cellphone number?

CB: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! YEAH, BABY!!!

U: Look, kid, I really don't have time to talk today. Perhaps if you go through the WWE press office, they can…

CB: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, FATSO? TALKING TO ME AND MY VAST INTERNET AUDIENCE LIKE THAT? WOOOOOOO!

U: Um…

CB: SHUT UP! AND ANOTHER THING, WHY DO YOU HATE MINORITIES SO DAMN MUCH, FATSO?

U: I don't. And I'm an American-Samoan, so I don't know what you're talk…

CB: THANKS FOR THE FUCKING COMPLIMENT, DOUCHEBAG! OKAY, I HAVE TO GO THROW UP NOW. (Mutters something that sounds vaguely like "TTYLOMFGBRBROTFLTLCASAPBBQ" before hanging up.)

U: And how can everyone still hear me after you've hung up the phone? That doesn't make any sense.

CB: EITHER DOES YOUR SHOW, FATSO. OH WAIT, I'M THINKING OF NWA T&A.

U: Touché.

Well, that about does it for this week. If you have any questions, comments, suggestions or HOME REMEDIES BECAUSE I SERIOUSLY THINK I'M DYING, PEOPLE, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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