"Pardon me, sir, do you have the time? It's… Vader… Time (time time time)!" 
      -- Biggie Van Vader, 1996
 

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and INAPPROPRIATELY FESTIVE edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm future curling hall-of-famer Canadian Bulldog, and we've got a ton to get to, so let's get right to it…

Let's see here. We've got… er…

Um…

 
Thanks for the compliment?

BANK ON IT?

EVER?

SHNITSKY???

Well, that about wraps it up for this week. Remember, if you heard it here first, it's…

Oh, wait, I've got an idea!!! Once again this year, I've found the perfect gift for everyone on your Christmas, Chanukah or Kwanzaa list this year, provided they all typically shop at Highspots.com. Yes, this is perfect list for all you stupid marks and your stupid mark needs.

So as dead announcer Gorilla Manson might say: "Sit back, get all that good stuff out of the fridge -- the toppaloagorra, the meat-a-ball, the gottagonzala -- and enjoy," as we here at BulldogCorp. (a division of the Yoshinori Uranium Concern) provide you with:

The 2006 Inside The Ropes Holiday Gift Guide!!!

First on our list is the game. Not The Game, as in Triple HHH -- everybody hates him, or so I'm led to believe by watching NWA T&A.

No, I'm talking about board games, and specifically, one that allows you, the stupid mark fanboy, to pretend like you're wrestling's greatest promoter, snapping up promotions, wrestlers and tape libraries like they were See 'Em Punk anthology DVD's in a discount bin at Best Buy.

If you're successful, then congratulations (or "mazel tov", for our Chanukah friends) because you've just won the game of… McMahonopoly:

(Also available: Chutes and Ladders, Tables and Chairs; TriVito Pursuit; Connect Four Horsemen.)

Now if you're anything like me, you probably have lots of pushpins and thumbtacks in your house for some unexplained reason. But when they're not being used to hold up flyers and/or restraining orders on your bulletin board, where the hell are you supposed to put them?

That's the genius of this next item. A thumbtack holder of someone who IS a thumbtack holder. Presenting… The Abyss Pin Cushion:

  (Also available from TNA Housewares™: The B.J. Styles and Christopher Danielson "wacky mismatched salt and pepper shakers that hate each other"; The Samoan Joe Health Grill; The Big Sex Killer Kevin Nash vacuum -- because it sucks! Get it! ROTFL!!!)

How many times has this happened to you: you're getting ready for a hot date and want to look and smell your best.  Oh wait, I forgot; you're wrestling fans! Bwahahahahahaha!

Okay, okay -- assuming you are able to get laid, after you've put on the "World Life" T-shirt and Roy Mystereo mask, why not impress her with the fragrance of chewed up worms? That's the unmistakable scent of… Eau De Boogeyman:

Whether you're having an important guest over for dinner, or you're just one of those nuts who likes to hang collectable plates and shit on your wall, The Franklin Mint now offers you a unique and elegant assortment of fine china (or, if you will, Chyna).

Are… you… ready? It's… The D-Generated X Collection:

(Also available: The Rick Flare plate collection, with actual dried blood on it; The "Lame-Duck General Manager" series; The "Mister MacMahon Bares His Ass" series.)

Often, I have trouble waking up in the morning in order to get to my "real job" (stuffed owl salesman). Sure, I have an alarm clock, but the music just doesn't seem to jolt me out of bed, and that "beeping" sound just makes me dream I'm riding in a garbage truck with Duke "The Dumpster" Drossey.

But what really gets my goat and wakes me up fully is the sound of someone stealing my patented catchphrases. And even though it's been, like, a year or more since he's used them, these products take time to get pushed through research and development.

So let's say hello to… ThEdge's Catchphrase Stealing Alarm Clock - AM/FM Radio:

(Also available: Hey, who cares? As if you'd actually buy a product designed specifically for ME???)

If there's one thing I'm most often e-mailed by ITR readers (besides "Seriously? Your shtick stopped being funny three years ago. Quit while you're ahead."), it's "What the hell is the deal with the former Big Ass Billy Gun and Roaddog Jamie James?"

In other words, are they really trying to get under the skin of D-Generated X? Or are they just trying to save wrestling fans from a gimmick gone bad? I believe this new T-shirt may provide the real answer:

Now, maybe the gift recipient on your list isn't into raunchy plates or crappy T-shirts. How about some fine artwork?

For only a few thousand clams, you, too can own a print of the famous painting… The Woooooooo.

If you really don't care about the person you're buying before, you may want to give the gift you'll probably receive 10-12 of yourself this holiday season: a wall calendar. But ask yourself, what if you could give your friends and loved ones the most offensive calendar in WWE history? VIVA LA RAZA!!!

Looking to decorate your home for the holidays? Well, of course, you are. Stupid.

Unfortunately, Christmas lights are so "last year" (as well as the last 60 years before that), while Christmas trees just take up valuable room space. This year, ruck all the holiday fules, and put up this sturdy cardboard standout instead, because… The Claus… is… HEE-YAH!!!

Finally, let's take a look four new WWE CD's that have just been on the market… righttttt… now.

The first one is a comedy album, in which a certain "Memphis Rattlesnake" provides the laughs through hilarious observations and sketches, such as "Noah and his little damn ark" in… Steve Austin Is A Very Funny Fellow. WHAT?

If ballads are more your thing, sit back and listen as "The Death Man" croons the tunes of Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett and Celine Dion in his trademark gravelly voice in… The Undertaker: Dead Man Singing.

He was the youngest World Champion in history, and now he's belting out such impressive, albeit slightly confusing, classics as "B-b-b-bad To The Boat", "Where The Seats Have No Name", "I Walk The Lion" and "(I Can't Get No) Uh, Something" in… HEY! Randy Orton Forgets The Words to 12 Popular Songs.

And lastly, when you think "New ECW", you're likely to think Dolly Parton, Kenny Rogers, Shania Twain and others, after you listen to… ECW: Extreme Country & Western.

In conclusion, what one item should you be buying wrestling fans this coming holiday season? Definitely this exciting new book.

(Come on, like you didn't see that one coming…)

And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.