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Christmas Carols III: The Re-Carol-ening. Ing. 

December 15, 2006

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and EXCEEDINGLY FESTIVE edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm amateur buffalo wing enthusiast Canadian Bulldog. Welcome. To another edition of… well, you get the point.
This week, I am presenting the third annual -- in what is quickly becoming a staple of Inside The Ropes (source: National Bureau of Ridiculous Statistics) -- "Christmas Carols, If They Were Written About Modern-Day Wrestlers, And Sometimes Didn't Exactly Rhyme™."

Don't believe me (well, not about the 'not rhyming' part -- you'll find out about that

soon enough)? Click here for the first installment in 2004, and here for last year's contribution.

And now, this year's edition - seven soon-to-be holiday favorites. So gather a batch of your favorite carolers, crack open a can of Whoop Nog, and enjoy:

Christmas Carols, If They Were Written About Modern-Day Wrestlers, And Sometimes Didn't Exactly Rhyme™, Part Three

(Sung to the tune of "Good King Wenceslas")

Good King Booker T looked out
On the set of Smack-Down
He wants all to hail him
With his scepter, and crown

Tells Big Dave to worship him,
Much the same with Lash-ley
At this rate, all he will get,
Are The Miz and Ash-ley

"Hither, Regal, stand by me
Can you dig it, sucka?
Tell Finlay to do the same, and
His Bastard motherfucka."

"Sire, while I hail you,
I've grown tired of this gim-mick,
I'd rather go on pay-per-view,
And let the fans see my-dick."

"Bring me good opponents, and
our pay-per-views, they will sell.
Peasants want to see their King
And possibly, Queen Shar-mell."

(Sung to the tune of "Deck The Halls")

 Deck the halls with Balls Mahoney
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub
This "new breed" crap's all so phony
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub

I want wrestling that is hardcore
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub
And by that, I don't mean Shannon Moore
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub.

See the show that made Paul E. cry
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub
Maybe they'll cancel it from Sci-Fi
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub

Hardcore Holly ain't extreme
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub
He just makes me want to scream
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub.

Yes, there's Sabu and R-V-D
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub
But what's the deal with Rene Dupree?
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub

Get The Dudleys, or what about Raven?
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub
Next, we'll hear that you've signed Maven
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-E-C-Dub.

(Sung to the tune of "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas")

It's beginning to look a lot like Thunder
In the Impact Zone;
Their big stars are more or less,
Guys who used to be TBS
With a roster that makes me groan.

It's beginning to look a lot like Thunder,
With Sting and Steiner, too,
But the scariest sight, I'd say
Is watching good ol' Double J
Heading up the crew.

They call it TNA, yet the announcer is Mike Tenay
All that's missing are Tony and The Brain
It's not Great American Bash, so why the hell is Kevin Nash,
In a big role each show - are they insane?

It's beginning to look a lot like Thunder
Ev'rywhere you go;
All they need to do, is hire Ernest Miller, too
All they've ripped off the whole damn show.

(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Let's get ready, to suck it!
You don't care? I say "fuck it"
We'll do what we want,
Like it or not
Livin' in a D-X Wonderland.

Gone away, is The King of Kings
Here to stay, is some guy who brings
Jokes rejected by,
The writers of "American Pie"
Livin' in a D-X Wonderland.

In the arena, we can find some fat guy,
Book him like the second coming of Brock.
He'll ask for a push, and we'll say "No, man"
This is for a joke about Vince liking cock.

Later on, we'll conspire,
We'll tell Vince, the marks are liars,
We're sticking around,
"Are you ready?" "Break it down!"
Livin' in a D-X Wonderland.

Livin' in a D-X Wonderland.
Livin' in a D-X Wonderland.

(Sung to the tune of "Do You Hear What I Hear?")

Said the champion to all of the fans,
"You can't see what I see
In your seats where you're all hating me,
You can't see what I see
A star, a star, trying to get pushed
But all you people want to do is jeer,
All you people want to do is jeer.

Said the champion to a bunch of stupid marks,
"You can't see what I see
Trying to sound cool, joking about poop and pee,
You can't see what I see
A champ, a champ, hoping to get props,
Is it too much to ask for a cheer?
Is it too much to ask for a cheer?"

Said the champion to the King of Kings,
"You can't see what I see
Now you'll never, again agree to job to me,
You can't see what I see,
The Game-uh, will-uh, probably beat me-uh
Even though the champ is still hee-yah,
Even though the champ is still hee-yah."

Said the champion to Vince McMahon,
"You can't see what I see,
These fans, they fucking hate me,
You can't see what I see,
I know your plans, but I really must appeal.
You guys SO need to make me a heel,
You guys SO need to make me a heel."

(Sung to the tune of "Jingle Bell Rock")

Where is the, where is the, where is The Rock?
He has been out, for three or four years
Asking your name, then he makes you ashamed
That kind of crap always gets some cheers.

Where is the, where is the, where is The Rock?
I thought for sure, he'd be back by now
Criss-crossin' the ring, and then droppin' the elbow,
And then raisin' his brow.

What a bright time, it's the right time
For The Great One to return to the ring
It's a swell time, for "If Ya Smell…" time
All we need is the "it" for him to "just bring".

Giddy-up, Brahma Bull, where have you gone?
What do you mean, "Hollywood"?
Not to make gloom, but I saw you in "Doom",
I think it's time for the,
The re-turn of the,
People's Champion… The Rock!

(Sung to tune of "So This Is Christmas")

So this is the Rumble
and who's gonna win?
I know one thing for sure,
it won't be Jerry Lynn.

And so this is the Rumble
who'll win it this year?
It could be the biggest match,
in a young wrestler's career.

Will it be Trevor Murdoch?
Or perhaps M.V.P.?
They have about as good a chance
At winning as me.

And so this is the Rumble (Raw is War...)
for weak and for strong (...and I guess SmackDown!, too)
Though they'll all be tossed out,
After Undertaker's "bong!"

Oh, ya know he's gonna win it
Instead of, say, C.M. Punk
I'd rather Triple H won it all
Or, hell, Terry Funk.

A very merry Rumble
and a happy new year
lets hope it's a good one
though with Taker, I fear…

Any comments? Suggestions? Other yuletide classics? Well maybe it would have been good to point that out BEFORE I wrote this column, jackass!

And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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