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INSIDE THE ROPES    
2006 in Review:
Eddie's Year (Part 2) 

December 5, 2007

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and HIGHLY GALVANIZING (I just learned that word today!!!) edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm former Nebraska senator Canadian Bulldog, and welcome to the second half of our ITR Year In Review Retrotacular (part retrospective, part spectacular!).
 

As a reminder, part one of the year can be accessed right here. And as another reminder, guest artist Bulldog Junior (age 6) is filling in for his father, while Canadian Bulldog is on vacation:

 

JULY

  • Corrupt police officers arrest "Mr. Monday In The Bank" Rod Van-Damme and "The Homicidal, Genocidal, Suicidal, Pesticidal, Herbicidal, Dance Recital" Saboo because they "allegedly" smoked pot in their Extreme Rules rental car. Both wrestlers argue that they never inhaled, and so the cop lets them off with a warning.
  • In a completely unrelated incident, Van-Damme loses, within two days, his WWE title to ThEdge and his ECW title to The Best Show. Bad break, RDV.
  • Most of the Friday! Night! Smack! Down! roster, including Bobby Lashleroux, The Great Collie, Super Zany, Tatatatatanka, Mike Hardy Version 2.1, Sexual Mark Chocolate, Ashley Mizzarro, 1/2 of The Gymani and Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah, suddenly come down with "liver problems", temporarily taking them off the show. We can only conclude from this that the superstars have been getting too much cholesterol in their diets, and should perhaps switch to something more low-carb.
  • Chavito Guerrera Junior honors the memory of his late, great uncle "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera by pretending to side with, then turn on, best friend Roy Mystereo Junior. Actually… that does sound like something Eddie would do, so I guess it's honoring his memory, in a way. It's also something that Double Jeff Jarrod might do.
  • D-Generated X (Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels and The Other Guy) embarrass figurehead WWE president Vince MacMahon! And they snuck into the Monday Night Raw production truck! And then they changed Vinnie Max's voice, using state-of-the-art technology! And then they had some Fat Stripper Guy strip all over him! Naked in the nude! And then D-X ensinuated insenuyated ensenyuated guessed that he likes the cock! And then they blew up his limousine and tried to kill him! And it was the funniest night of entertainment ever!
  • EVER!!!
  • EC-F'n-Dub on Sci-F'n-Fi shows the exact same program six or seven weeks in a row, with Kelly "Kelly" Kelly threatening to strip until she gets surprisingly stopped by boyfriend Mike Kox, non-ECW wrestlers in the main event, and "old-school" stars such as Balls Maloney and Sand Man constantly getting jobbed out.
  • Newcomer Deacon Bautista makes his debut on Smack! Down!, losing on pay-per-view to established veteran Kevin Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!)
  • Kur Tangle, who was never taken care of by his employers at WWE, gets a month off to nurse a groin injury.
  • Nothing much happened in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) this month. Sure, manager Conan debuts his Latin Americanian Exchange (LIX) and Ravin shaves "Leaping Legend" Lenny Zybysykybo bald, but nothing BIG happened.
  • See this? A message board thread dedicated to people who hate me? No worries. I'll get my revenge soon enough! Muhuhuhuhahahahahahahahaha!
  • ITR of the month: The Grinches Who Stole Bulldog. Non-ITR of the month: WWE Uses CGI Technology To Generate Fan Interest.

AUGUST

  • Reality television superstar Hollywood Hal Kogan, who hasn't wrestled in, like, an entire year, comes out of retirement to put over young superstar Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! at SummerScam by cleanly pinning him.
  • Former Olympic Hero Kur Tangle, whom that bastard Vince MacMahon never respected despite giving him four turns with the world title in six years, amicably agrees to part ways with WWE. He's wished the best in future endeavors, unless by "endeavors" it means going to the competition and by "future" it means within the next month.
  • International heartthrob Canadian Bulldog fools the stupid mark masses of the world by pretending to pick a fight with Webmaster Rick Scherer.
  • Mick Farley, author of the best wrestling book not named "Thanks for the compliment: Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!", which is still available for purchase, thank you very much for asking, is FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED by Mister MacMahon, simply because Melita was seen touching his crotch on national television. I'm all for preventing sexual harassment in the workplace, but this is ridiculous!!!
  • Webmaster Rick Scherer decides to replace sex symbol Canadian Bulldog with the useless Pyrofalkon The Wad for not one, but two terrifying weeks.
  • I MISS Kur Tangle very much.
  • Hot new free-agent Montel Vontavavious Porterhouse (VIP) carefully weighs all of his options before signing a big contract, having to decide between Friday! Night! Smack! Down! and, uh, Friday! Night! Smack! Down!
  • As part of its strict, all-encompassing "wellness program", World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. hires back Jeff Hardee.
  • Country and western recording artist Canadian Bulldog, returning from a vacation, gets himself banned from the OO Message Boards, which you can read about here.
  • Nothing much happened in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) this month. True, The Christian's Cage turns heel after accidentally hitting best friend Stink over the head with a guitar, but nothing BIG happened.
  • Sylvester Turkey debuts on Friday! Night! Smack! Down!, looking kind of like a fatter version of the kind of jobber that would team with Iron Mike Sharp against The Heart Foundation on WWF Superstars of Wrestling.
  • Chavito Guerrera Junior and Roy Mystereo Junior pay tribute to the late, great "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera by both kind of pretending to be him during their SummerScam match-up.
  • ITR of the month: Bulldog Gets Extreme. Non-ITR of the month: TNA Champion Jeff Jarrett To Feud With Self.

 

SEPTEMBER

  • In the grossest moment I, personally, have ever stood within just 15 feet of… well, just look at the picture above, which happened in the B-Dawg's backyard of Toronto. Also, Jon Ceno made some new friends in the T-Dot by defeating our hometown hero (and noted catchphrase-stealer) ThEdge for the WWE Title.
  • WE FOOLED YOU ALL!!!
  • Kur Tangle, professional wrestling's only Olympic Gold Medalist and a multi-time titleholder in WWE, joins NWA T&A. Creative mastermind Vince Rousseau also joins the fold, just in time to oversee Samoan Jones defeat Double Jeff Jarrod in the main event of their "Never Surrender" paper-view.
  • Nothing much happened in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) this month.
  • On-again, off-again Bulldog love interest Tritch Stratus decides to call it a day after completing her lengthy, storied five-year wrestling career. Of course, I only find out afterwards that she's getting… MARRIED? Man, that Carlita Caribbean Cruel is one lucky bastard.
  • Eric Bischov, the former General Manager of Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, returns to television for the first time in almost a year, solely for the purpose of plugging his book. I hate blatant shilling like that.
  • Happy 33rd birthday to the Notorious D.O.G.!!! Thanks for AGAIN buying me nothing, you stupid marks.
  • Social activist Chris Canyon shows up at a WWE house show in Tampa holdings signs that allude to the backstage politics of Triple HHH and religious leanings of Sean McMichaels. Only 14,000 fans that night thought to bring the exact same thing.
  • Vicky Sue Guerrera opts to honor the legacy of her husband, the late, great "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera, by turning heel.
  • World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. agrees to amicably part ways with washed-up novelty wrestlers Jason Credible and Cid Cash.
  • The Bogeyman is coming to getcha on the unemployment line! Oh, wait, he's back again! Thank goodness WWE has come to its senses.
  • WWE also hires back Henry Goodwin ("PIG") and Too Cold Scorpion. I can't WAIT for their big returns!!!
  • ITR of the month: He's Back! And Better Than Ever! (EVER!!!). Non-ITR of the month: Israeli-Palestinian Conflict To Be Settled At Survivor Series.

 

OCTOBER

  • In an attempt to prove that they're nothing like WCW, NWA T&A (National Wrestling Tits & Ass) debuts hot free agent Kur Tangle as a special ringside enforcer during a pay-per-view match involving Stink. Also, in the weeks leading up to the event, Tangle mentions how he'd been "screwed" by Vince MacMahon.
  • Promising musician and Christina Aguilera husband Kevin Fedexline (K-Fud) debuts on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw and makes wrestling history by becoming the first person people boo against Jon Cena in two years.
  • An argument erupts during the "Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw Homecoming" show about who is truly the "Champion of Champions" -- Jon Cena, Booker King or The Best Show. I vote for "Y J Stinger" Charles Jericho instead.
  • For weeks on end, EC-F'n-Dub advertises its "Extreme Strip Poker" episode. Because nothing says "hardcore" like "pretend nudity".
  • The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain is forced to leave Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw after losing a match to Umagla. He's told he can't ever (EVER!!!) return, or at least until the next paper-view.
  • I got really, really sick for a few weeks. Just saying.
  • Chavita Guerrera Junior pays tribute to the late, great "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera by, uh… continuing to feud with Roy Mystereo Junior. Okay, fine -- there's not going to be a grand slam every month of the year, okay?
  • Sheldon Benjamin, the former and current member of The World's Best Damn Tag Team Period, complains that WWE and especially That Bastard Johnny Ace are biased against him because he's African-American. First Canyon with his complaints; now this. When will wrestlers realize WWE doesn't discriminate???
  • Crime Team debuts on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw vis-à-vis a series of touching and racially-sensitive vignettes.
  • "Squire" Dave Tyler joins WWE as a tag team partner for William Royal. Meh.
  • Eric Bischov interferes in a match involving D-Generated X during a special edition of Eric Bischov's Monday Night… hey, wait a second. Buddy's been gone off the show for more than a year. HOW CAN THEY STILL CALL THE SHOW THAT??? That would be akin to removing "Mama" from "Mama's Family" and keeping the same name!!!
  • ITR of the month: Time To Play The Game. Non-ITR of the month: Wrestling With Literature, Chapter Four.

 

NOVEMBER

  • In an attempt to prove that they're nothing like WCW, WWE takes the tag team straps off younger competitors in favor of "Nature Guy" Ricky Flare and "Rod" Roddy Piper. To prolong the push, hot newcomers "American Dream" Dusty Roads, Sergeant Slater and Rob "DANG!" Simmons are added into the mix. At least they left Buffed Bagwell's Mama out of it, I guess.
  • On-again, off-again Bulldog love interest The Returning Leeta retires from wrestling forever (although you all know she'll be back in six weeks under a hood), following a classy and touching send-off.
  • Former multi-time tag team champion The Hardy Brotherz reunite for one night only. Or maybe numerous nights only.
  • Speaking of tag teams that were last relevant in 1999, Roaddog Jamie James and Big Ass Billy Gun decide to create a stable exactly like D-Generated X called V.K.Wallstreet. And they've got just two words for ya: FUCKING LAME!!!
  • Nothing much happened in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) this month. Sure, they had their biggest main event ever (EVER!!!) and Samoa Jones finally agreed to do the J.O.B., but nothing BIG happened.
  • Deacon Bautista is paid by Friday! Night! Smack! Down! district manager T.D. Long to protect Booker King and Queen Charlene from Raw and ECW guys like Mike Kox, Lance Cake and Howlin' Mad Trevor Murdoch. Why the HELL couldn't the five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion protect himself from jabronis like that? Oh, and by the way, he wins the title at Surviving Series.
  • Bautista, that is. Not Howlin' Mad Trevor Murdoch.
  • World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Ltd. INTENTIONALLY SABOTAGES an NWA T&A house show down the road from their headquarters at Trojan Towers in Connetacut Conatticut Connectacutt New York by forcing the company to feature several ex-WWE stars they didn't want anymore anyways, and a bunch of flip-floppy highspot artists that "couldn't sell out a flea market, brother."
  • Kevin Fedexline costs Jon Cena the victory in the main event of "Cybersex Sunday". No, there's not really any joke there – just thought I'd mention it.
  • WWE remembers the one-year anniversary of the passing of the late, great "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera by shilling his merchandise and selling videos of his matches on their website.
  • ITR of the month: TNA 24/7. Non-ITR of the month: Superfly Jimmy Snuka Publishes Controversial New Book.

 

DECEMBER

  • EC-F'n-Dub's first paper-view since debuting on the Sci-F'n-Fi Network features such ECW favorites as The Hardy Brotherz, M&M, Bobby Lashleroux, The Test, Matt Teacher, The Best Show, Bob "Hardwood" Holly, Vampire Guy (w/ Hot Vampire Chick), Sylvester Turkey and The Great Collie.
  • Paul Herman agrees to amicably part ways with World Wrestling Federtainment Inc. Corp. Ltd. No explanation is provided.
  • Along the same lines, Friday! Night! Smack! Down's "Our Mageddon" PPV features such SD! regulars as Johnny Night Ro, Melita, Jeff Hardee and Jon Cena. The brand split is working!
  • Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah honors the legacy of the late, great "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera by implying that his widow is abusing her role as executor of his will.
  • The Big Red Stupid Red Machine Kain sets VIP on fire at the PPV. Sure, when he does it, it's funny, but when I do it, I "need counseling"? I'M CALLING BULLSHIT!!!
  • WWE commissions a cartoon in which the main character is Vince MacMahon's Ass. Yet, it's still better than the old "Rock n Wrestling" cartoons! At least this one doesn't have Mean Gene Okerfeld popping up every thirty seconds. I mean, what was UP with that?
  • Nothing happened in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) this month. Sure, Roaddog Jamie James and Big Ass Barry Gun "invade" WWE Headquarters by filming a vignette 30 feet from their building, and longtime tag team partners America's Best Wanted split up, and Ravin forms a new stable, and B.J. Styles turns heel, and Samoa Jones makes Kur Tangle tap out, but nothing BIG happened.
  • Mere weeks before his death, former Iraqian leader Saddamn Hosien is treated to a visit from the WWE Superstars during their "Pre-taped the week before Christmas, Christmas visit with the troops" special! And then Vince MacMahon makes Saddamn kiss his bare ass! And he has to listen to Jon Cena making raps that rhyme words with "camel poop"! And Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! takes a dump in his suitcase! And he's forced to take the Masterpiece Challenge (which he doesn't win)! And D-Generated X tell Hossein that he likes cock! And Umagla delivers his vicious "thumb to the neck" finisher to the deposed dictator! And Crime Team steals his wallet! And then John Breadshaw Lagerfeld does… well, something to him in the shower! And Roy Mystereo dedicates the troops' victory over Iraq to the late, great Eddie Guerrera! And it's the best pre-execution celebration ever!
  • EVER!!!
  • ITR of the month: Christmas Carols III: The Re-carol-ening. Non-ITR of the month: Breaking News – Vince Russo Guest-Writes Episode of "The Simpsons".

There you go – 2006 in a nutshell. A big thanks to the little one for the drawings. If you have any feedback, comments or arguments, send them care of bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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