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INSIDE THE ROPES    
The Apprentice: Orlando...
Plus Other EXCLUSIVE~! Newz 

January 10, 2007

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Are you ready? I said… are… you… reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay??? Then… for the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching at home… and for Vince MacMahon, because he likes the cock… which is funny, because making fun of people who are homosexual NEVER GETS OLD, even in this day and age where we're taught to tolerate people's cultural, racial and sexual differences… and even though Vince probably isn't gay, and I'd know that because I… well, never mind… hey, that reminds me of a joke I heard the other day: this priest, a rabbi and a tennis player walk into a bar. The tennis player wants… wait, I started that wrong. Three guys walk into this bar -- a priest, a rabbi… no wait, a rabbi, an ASTRONAUT… that's right, it was an astronaut, and a tennis player. The first guy asks for a drink; bartender says "What can I get you?" and so he says… wait, is it the rabbi who goes first? Shawn, you remember this one, right? Who does he talk to first? Oh, right, right; it's the astronaut. So the barkeep goes…" 
            
-- D-Generated, 2006.
 
 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and SPINE-TINGLING edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm aspiring restaurateur Canadian Bulldog, and we've got a ton to get to this week. But first, you know how we do things around here. Please enjoy this quick poll:
 

What makes Friday! Night! Smack! Down! the best brand in wrestling today?

(A) Very little involvement by celebrities.
(B) The Italian Guy In The Dress.
(C) Dude - you shouldn't even joke about that.
(D) At least their guys aren't always injured. Except for Bautista. And Sexual Mark Chocolate. And Roy Mystereo Junior. And…
(E) Yes.

Be sure to register your vote at the official ITR website (Motto: "The most updated it is, the most updated it was, the most updated it ever will be"). And here's how you stupid marks voted last time:

Why has it been so long since the last ITR?

I was mourning Webmaster Rick Scherer's death -- 6 %
I Kidnapped Webmaster Rick Scherer -- 10 %
Backstage politics (read: Triple HHH) -- 20 %
Just working you stupid marks again -- 37 %
Yes. - 25 %

And now, onto the news…

The Champ Is Still Hee-Yah!!!: Former Marine Jon Cena must feel like Superman, now that he has pinned "The Undefeated Samodian Bulldogzer" Umagla. And here, I thought that the artist formerly known as "Super Hero In Training" Rosie would definitely join the short list of Samoan-born WWE Heavyweight Champions (Rocky Maivia, his kid brother Yozokuna, Make A Difference Fatu). But now… I can kind of picture him jobbing to SHNITSKY!!! a lot.

(Not really; I just hadn't dropped a "SHNITSKY!!!" reference in here in quite some time, and saw this as an opportune moment.)

I'm all for the capable grapplers on Friday! Night! Smack! Down! playing "Beat The Clock", but couldn't they find something more recent for all the newbies (or, if you will, "noobs") that never saw that old game show? How about "The Price Is Right"? I could just see them calling Fat Finley, VIP, The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain, Jimmy Yin Yang and Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah "coming on down" and later, playing Plinko.

Or I suppose they could try "Jeopardy", too, but I'm not sure Miz "The Miz" Mizzington is bright enough to pull that off.

Triple Ouch: Doctors are claiming that Triple HHH will be out of action anywhere from six weeks to seven years after tearing his foot off during the "New Year's Resolution" paper-view in a match against Rated ORK ("Na-noo, na-noo")! And he'll start using the foot to wallop opponents with! Triple HHH, that is; not Rated ORK! And when referees complain The Criminal Assassin is using a foreign object, he'll deny it and just explain that he's kicking people! And then that catchphrase-stealing bastard ThEdge will challenge him to a "Decapitated Foot On A Pole" match! And then he'll feud with Zack Gowan, who claims he's been stealing his gimmick! Gowan, that is; not ThEdge! And he'll still headline WrestelMania XXX3! Triple HHH, that is; not Gowan! And HHHHHHHHH will begin using his left leg in order to hold young talent back! Thus, he suffered the best injury ever!

EVER!!!

This week, I am implementing a new feature here at ITR that hands out laurels for good accomplishments, and darts for similarly bad ones. I call this feature… "CHEERS and BOOS".

CHEERS to Fedin Keverline for his hard-fought victory over WWE Champion Jon Cena. While a rap superstar such as yourself could have rested on your sexy laurels, you instead rose to the challenge, and as you've said, you are always surprising people. What's next, K-Fud? The Royal Rumble? Money In The Bank? UFC?

CHEERS to figurehead promoter Vincent Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY) MacMahon for doing what shows such as Entertainment Tonight, Inside Entertainment, Inside Edition, Entertainment Edition, Inside Tonight and others couldn't do: he hosted a "shoot" fight between celebrities Rosey O' Donald and Gerald Trump this past week on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw. I'm sure all the big promoters (WWE, UFC, boxing) were clamoring for that match, but Vinnie Max was the one to make it happen.

BOOS to The Bogeyman for constantly scaring Booker King and Queen Charlene. These poor people have been through ENOUGH in their lives already, what with racism being so rampant in the United States and everything. They don't need a man-monster such as yourself chasing them around!!!

BOOS to Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! for always being such a fucking douchebag.

If you have any suggestions for "CHEERS and BOOS", e-mail me at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.

Equal Time: Recently, I was contacted by an anti-WWE group known as Workrate Wanker Enterprises. They criticized me for how much I've knocked NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) over the years, and for failing to cover their crap-ass PPV's.

To appease these stupid marks, I have brought back an Inside The Ropes favorite to point out why (he thinks) T&A is superior to "big time" wrestling. I have added my comments in parenthases parinthacease perenthes brackets.

Why TNA is Better than WWE
By Johnny ITR
Apprentice/Billy Gun lover

Championships: Many people will argue that longevity in holding titles is a good thing. Consistent and dominant title holders give legitimacy to the belts and make any chase for the gold more compelling, since the fans either want to see their dominating favorites retain over insurmountable odds or, more frequently, they want to see the hated heels defeated and banished the good guys. Let’s examine the only belts that are comparable: each company’s tag titles and World Championships. 

(Bulldog's Note: I hate to play "devil's advocate" here, but you're completely wrong.)

In 2006, there were only two WWE Tag Team Champions and four World Tag Team Champions. TNA, meanwhile, had their tag titles held by only three teams, but it bounced around late in the year. The WWE titles on both brands were much more stable, with each champion team only holding it once. Before we examine these, let’s go to the next one. 

(Bulldog's Note: Perhaps the reason the titles kept bouncing around was because the stupid mark fans in Orlando got too impatient. BOO-YAH!)

This was a banner year for main title switches. The TNA title, which in 2004 and 2005 belonged to Jeff Jarrett way more often than not, switched hands four times. The WWE Heavyweight Championship’s numbers are skewed because of Batista’s injury in the beginning of the year, but there were four title changes. The WWE Championship was equally kinetic, switching 5 times.

(Bulldog's Note: Double Jeff Jarrod sucks ass.)

Obviously, you can’t evaluate a product based simply on number of title changes (Bulldog's Note: Yes you can). To a wrestling fan, the excitement of the title change and the short and long-term impacts are most important. There is no question that the TNA title changes and runs had more impact (get it?) than the WWE’s throughout 2006 and into the present. 

(Bulldog's Note: The title changes had more "impact", only because no one cared about them! BOO-YAH!!!)

Really, is the tag title “argument” even an argument? Between the two brands, these guys have held the title: the Spirit Squad, London and Kendrick, and Piper and Flair (for a week). The Spirit Squad is basically not together anymore and London and Kendrick don’t even have feuds, they just wrestle eight wrestlers on the Smackdown roster in a random rotation. TNA, on the other hand, used most of the year to focus on three great teams: America’s Most Wanted, AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels, and the Latin America Exchange. There were at least four great matches in these feuds and the tag titles are important to the show, often being the sub main-event on PPV’s and headlining TV. 

(Bulldog's Note: Now you're just being silly. Rod Roddy Piper and Nature Guy Ricky Flare are both future WWE Hall of Famers! They should be able to take the tag team titles any damn time they want. They've earned that right. Or are you just mirroring society, spitting up and throwing out older people when they're no longer of any use to you? For shame, Johnny! FOR SHAME!!!)

The World titles are a bit closer, but the advantage still goes to TNA. Despite what everyone said about Jarrett, John Cena is worse. There were a bunch of title switches, sure, but Cena had it for 8 months and in the process has killed all opposition in bland main events. On Smackdown, Rey Mysterio had the most neutered reign since Steve Austin clipped his testicles on an ATV. King Booker was the only highlight of the WWE championship year. Granted, TNA wasn’t rocking the world with their Abyss/Christian matches, but they at least built a 9 month feud with Sting and Jarrett and had their Really Big Show end with a title switch and change in momentum, unlike the Cena-fied WWE.

(Bulldog's Note: You know who really pisses me off? That stupid VKN tag team of Big Ass Barry Gun and Roaddog Jamie James. Sorry to hurt your feelings Johnny. I know how much you like the former Ass Man. But you know what, VKN? You guys to like to make challenges? Well I have a challenge for YOU.

It's really simple. You think you're tough, calling out D-Generated X after poor Triple HHH is injured? Why don't you prove it by showing up on the Tampa, Florida doorsteps of OO Hall of Famer Jeb Tennyson Lund. I'd suggest my place instead, but Tampa is much closer to Orlando than Toronto. Plus, Jeb's a big boy; he can take care of himself.

If you accept the challenge and show up at his place, or at least acknowledge it on television, then I guess you're better men than I. But if you pretend like I didn't challenge you, and you don't show up to -- Jeb, don't read this part -- kick the living shit out of Jeb? Then I guess you two are just a bunch of pussies who don't have any guts!

And if you're not down with THAT, then I got just two words for ya… FUCK OFF!!!)

Thanks for all your help, Johnny ITR! And finally, here, after a long, long absence, are five BRAND-NEW ITR Trading Cards for you to savor and enjoy:

 

 

Well, that about does it for this week. If you have any comments, questions, or attractive friends you'd like to set me up with (preferably chicks), drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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