Powered by LiquidWeb Search all of OO for news, columnists, and articles about your favorites!
News  -/-  Recaps  -/-  Columns  -/-  Features  -/-  Reference  -/-  Archives  -/-  Interact  -/-  Site Info

Donate to Online Onslaught!
     Daily Onslaught
     Obtuse Angle
     RAW Satire
     The Broad

     Inside the Ropes
     OOld Tyme
         Rasslin' Revue
     Title Wave
Crashing the

     Smarky Awards
     Big in Japan
     Guest Columnists
     2 Out of 3 Falls
     Devil's Due
     The Ring
     The Little Things
SK Rants
The Mac Files
     Sq'd Circle Jerk
     RAW vs. SD!:
         Brand Battle
     Cheap Heat 
     Year in Review
     Monday Wars
     Road to WM 

     Title Histories
     Real Names
     PPV Results
     Smart Glossary
     Message Boards
     Live Chat 
     OO History

If you attend a live show, or have any other news for us, just send an e-mail to this address!  We'd also love to hear from you if you've got suggestions or complaints about the site...  let us have it!

Back to the Future.... PART FOUR~! 

January 23, 2007

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: Welcome, everyone to the 75th annual Rumble Royale! This marks the fourth straight year that Canadian Bulldog has provided us with his EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED spoilers from the event by time-traveling slightly into the future, bah gawd!

Jerry The King Lawyer: Don't you find it kind of odd that you're saying this is the future, when in reality, we'd be calling it as if it were live? Also, I highly doubt you'd mention some lousy writer from the IWC in the first place.

Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: And tonight, bah gawd, we're going to see if Jon Cena can overcome superhuman odds, again, to defeat Umagla inside the confines of a 15-foot high steel cage!

Jerry The King Lawyer:
I'm not sure it's a cage match, actually, but… hey, since when did I become the serious one? Look, J.R.; puppies! Woo hoo!

Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: I would appreciate it if you'd stop staring at my chest, bah gawd! And now, let's pass it onto our broadcast colleagues from Friday! Night! Smack! Down!, Michael Coal and Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld.

Michael Coal: Thank you, J.R. Tonight, in addition to the Rumble match, it will be WWE Undisputed Other World Champion Deacon Bautista against Kevin Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!). What about it, JLB?

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Coal, you little twit, this may very well be the most important evening in WWE history, but your crappy announcing isn't going to help 

Michael Coal: Hmm. What can I say? I actually agree. Let's turn things over to our Spanish Announcing Guys!

Spanish Announcing Guy # 1: ¿Yo no sé hablar realmente español muy bien, de modo que por qué no parloteamos nosotros apenas en y en acerca del 30 hombre Retumba Royale esta noche y ocasionalmente añade algunos nombres reconocibles de inglés como El Undertaker y Sean McMichaels? ¡Será el mejor igual jamás!

Spanish Announcing Guy # 2: ¡JAMAS!!!

Spanish Announcing Guy # 1: Ahora tomémoslo a nuestros colegas en EC F'N W - Joe E. Estilos y Tazzzzzzzzzzz.

Joe E. Styles: Welcome, everyone, to…

Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: Sorry to cut you off there, Joe E., but we’re actually short on time. We’re not even going to have time for the other matches tonight because we had to go through all those announcer introductions, bah gawd!

Jerry The King Lawyer: The tribute video we did to the people WWE just fired probably didn’t help either.

Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: Let’s get started with the Rumble, bah gawd!

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Here it is, the Rumble Royale, the most dangerous match in professional wrestling.

Tony Schiavauntey: This is, without a doubt, the greatest moment in the history of our industry!

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Shut up, Coal. You’re ruining everything!

Michael Coal: But I… didn’t say any… oh, look it’s time for the first wrestler.

“The World’s Fattest Love Machine…”

Michael Coal: It’s none other than big, bad Visceria! I doubt anyone will be able to throw this guy out. Even though he’s been in numerous battle royals over the years and always manages to lose them.

“How do ya like me now? Now that I still have a job and guys like Sylvester Turkey have been canned?”

Tazzzzzz: And the wrestler who drew number two… ECW’s very own Bob “Hardwood” Holly. Wow, the opening few minutes of this match oughta suck ass.

Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: No one has ever broken his Masterlock, bah gawd!

Jerry “The King” Lawyer: Who are you talking about, J.R.? Did you forget to take your pills again?

Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: Stone Cold! Stone Cold! STONE COLD!!!

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: And just like that, Holly is gone. I can’t believe that Visceria busted out that somersault plancha. But that just shows you why this is the most important, dangerous, vicious, bone-crunching match in wrestling. 



Michael Coal: Here comes The Old School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To! Is it possible “The Death Man” has finally met his match this time in the 450-pound Visceria?

Joe E. Styles: Well, I’d have to think that…

Jerry “The King” Lawyer: Sorry to interrupt you there, but I just wanted to mention that this year’s Rumble Royale is being sponsored by the book Thanks For The Compliment: Canadian Bulldog’s Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!! And the official theme song of the Rumble Royale is “Family Ties” by the band Darth Vader Sings.


“Oh… Oh… Sean! I think I’m cute… I know I’m sexy… I can’t believe… that this song’s still around…”

Spanish Announcing Guy # 2: Ahora es tiempo para el número de luchador cuatro. Y es... “The Heartburn Kid” Sean McMichaels.

Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: Rob Simmons was a two-time All-American with Florida State University, and he won the coveted Heisman trophy by scoring four touchdowns, not in one season, but in one game.

Jerry “The King” Lawyer: That’s great to know, J.R., but… he’s not even in the match tonight, and… aw, screw it. Look, Visceria is humping McMichaels. Woo hoo!


“Oooooh, Chavo! Yes, yes, Chavo! Come on, Chavo, harder… harder… faster, Chavo! Give it to me, Chavo! Yes, yes… YESSSSSSSSSSS!”

Tazz: Not for nothin’, Cole, but that could only be the music of Chavita Guerrera Junior. This one should be a rocketbusta!

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Cole, you stupid moron, I once had the opportunity to rape Chavita in the shower, and you can tell he comes from a traditional wrestling family.

Michael Coal: What are you even TALKING ABOUT? Anyways, it looks as though Visceria has been eliminated by The Ordertaker. Who would have seen that coming? Certainly not me, because I’ve only been calling wrestling matches for the past 10 years.


“You think you know me? You will never… HEY! Nothing you could say!... On this day, I see clearly… HEY!... Everything is… HEY!”

Jerry “The King” Lawyer: That could only be the combined music of Rated ORK, the tag team champions of ThEdge and Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!

Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!

Joe E. Styles: How come they’re both coming into the ring toge…

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Will you look at that? They’re teaming up with Chavito and putting the boots to McMichaels! While Ordertaker is sitting in the corner reading a book! This may be the most brilliant strategy I have ever witnessed!


“Exit light/Enter night/Take my hand/Off to never never land/Something’s wrong, shut the light/Heavy thoughts tonight/And they aren’t of snow white/Dreams of war, dreams of liars/Dreams of dragons fire/And of things that will bite/Sleep with one eye open/Gripping your pillow tight/Exit light/Enter night/Take my hand/Off to never never land/Now I lay me down to sleep/Pray the lord my soul to keep/If I die before I wake/Pray the lord my soul to take/Hush little baby, don't say a word/And never mind that noise you heard/It’s just the beast under your bed/In your closet, in your head/Exit light/Enter night/Grain of sand/Exit light/Enter night/Take my hand/We’re off to never never land…”

Tazz: Listen to that entrance music for Sand Man, Coal! This is off the hook!

Michael Coal: Although he’s already been eliminated, courtesy of The Ordertaker. The Phenomenal One is on fire tonight.

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: If you don’t shut up with the clichés, Coal, I’m gonna punch you in the face!


“I like to stab people who aren’t cool.”

Michael Coal: Here comes Charlita Caribbean Cruel to the ring!

Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: Charlita! Chavita! Charlita! Chavita! BAH GAWD!!!

Joe E. Styles: At this point in the match, it…


“My name is Finlay, and I like to fight! I also enjoy dancing, singing, long walks on the beach and quiet evenings at home.”

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Will you shut up for a minute, Coal? Now we’re about to see a real street fighter in action. Fat Finlay is, beyond the shadow of a doubt, the toughest guy I have ever raped in the shower.

Jerry “The King” Lawyer: And look, JLB, he brought his L’il Bastard with him! Woo hoo! That’s so funny – him being a midget and all!

Bobby “The Brian” Heenan: The other day, I saw him doing pushups under a ’57 Chevy.

Jerry “The King” Lawyer: Ahahahahahahaha! Priceless!

Spanish Announcing Guy # 1: Acabamos de preguntars si podemos ir a casa ahora, porque no hay mucho para nosotros hacer?


“One Of A Kind! Doo doo doo DOO doo doo DOO doo doo DOO doo doo doo; Doo doo doo DOO doo doo DOO doo doo DOO doo doo doo!”

Tazzzzz: Now things are gonna get interesting, Coal. Rod Van Damme is a former WWE and ECW Champion, and… oh, crap, he’s been eliminated by Chavita Guerrera. That was fast.

Michael Coal: Out, along with him, is Charlita. The Ordertaker is on a roll!

Joe E. Styles: It…



“All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie! All Hail King Bookie!”

Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: By hellfire and brimstone, that’s gotta be The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain!

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Actually, it’s Booker King, one of the most talented wrestlers in history that I’ve ever raped in the shower. I can see how you’d get the two mixed up. But let’s add Kain in there as well, just because Bulldog’s fingers are hurting from all the typing he’s done so far.

Michael Coal: It looks as though Chavita Guerrera Junior is history, after a powerful chokeslam by The Ordertaker!

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: SHUT THE FUCK UP, COAL!


ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (cough cough) oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Jerry “The King” Lawyer: It’s time for the “Nature Guy” Ricky Flare, and he could very well be the guy to win this whole thing.

Tazzzzzzz: How often do you get to see the five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion and one time World Champion in the ring against the sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time, sixteen-time World Champion?

Michael Coal: And how about this? The Brotherz Of Destruction have turned on one other, and The Ordertaker has just eliminated his own flesh and blood Ka…

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: (Glares disapprovingly)

Michael Coal: I mean, uh… nothing…


“Time to play the game! Time to play the game! Muhuhuhahahahaha…”

Jerry “The King” Lawyer: That must one of three surprise entrants this year. It’s… none other than Triple HHH’s Good Quad!

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Don’t you dare disrespect that quad, Coal! That is, without a doubt, the toughest limb in wrestling today.

Joe E. Styles: I’m not sure how well…


“Doo doo doo doo DOO doo doo doo doo DOO! 
Doo doo doo doo DOO doo doo doo doo doo DOO doo DOO!”

Michael Coal: Those doo's are the unmistakable music of United States Champion Canadian Crippler Chris Benwah!

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: And while we’re at it, say goodbye to Fat Finlay. So long, ya big Irish bastard! See you in the shower room, loverboy!



Whatever Saboo’s Music Sounds Like

Tazz: The mood is about to change now, Coal! Here comes "The Homicidal, Genocidal, Suicidal, Pesticidal, Herbicidal, Dance Recital" Saboo, and once he…

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: He’s been thrown out by The Ordertaker! Ha ha! How do you like them apples, Coal?

Michael Coal: Um… fine?


“Ain’t no stopping me… NAH!”

Jerry “The King” Lawyer: Here comes one half of The World’s Best Goddamn Tag Team, Sheldon Benjamin. But I kind of wonder why his partner Charlie Horse wasn’t entered in this thing?

Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: It’s because he’s African-American, dammit! Fucking racist promoters!

Joe E. Styles: Meanwhile, Chris…

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: … Benwah has been eliminated by Triple HHH’s Good Quad.

Joe E. Styles: That’s what I was trying to…

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Yeah, yeah, shut up. Whatever.


“Oh, you didn’t know? Well your ass better calllll somebody…”

Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: Bah gawd, Roaddog Jamie James and Big Ass Billy Gun have returned to the WWE, bah gawd!

Jerry The King Lawyer: Actually, the music department screwed up. It’s actually Mike and Jeff Hardee, who are entering the Rumble together.

Spanish Announcing Guy # 2: ¿Ah, el perro de presa seguro se apresura las cosas aquí, no es él?


“We are the Nation… of Domination!”

Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: Ron Simmons was a two-time All-American with…

Jerry “The King” Lawyer: You already said that! And besides, this isn’t Faarooque; the music department is playing the wrong song again. It’s Chris Masterpiece.

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Look at the body on that kid. Oh, the things I could do to him in the shower. For example, rape.

Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: Rated ORK has tossed out Triple HHH's Good Quad! QUAD BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! QUAD!

Joe E. Styles: Why am I even here if…


"We're not the Mounties. We're handsome, we've brave, we're strong. We're not the Mounties. And we control the law…"

Good Ol’ J.R. Ewing: Bah gawd, those damn Dudley Brotherz! Damn them all to hell!

Tazzzzzz: Well, you weren't even close this time, J.R. It's the reunited M&M, Johnny Night Ro and Freddie Mercury. And that means Mercury is the second of three surprise entrants tonight.

Jerry "The King" Lawyer: Woo hoo! Look at Melita, bending over all sexy like that!

Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: King, why are you not wearing any pants on under there, bah gawd?

Jerry "The King" Lawyer: Uh… isn't it time for the next "Bzzzzt"?


"Ex-paaaaaaack! You think you can tell us what to do?"

Tazz: That's actually not Ex-Pack; it's ECW's own Vampire Guy (w/ Hot Vampire Chick), and… shit! He's already been tossed out. What the hell?

Jerry "The King" Lawyer: Woo hoo! Look at Hot Vampire Chick's puppies, J.R.!

Spanish Announcing Guy # 2: Lawler es un pervertido tan maldito.

Michael Coal: Vampire Guy will have some good company because M&M and The Hardy Brotherz have all eliminated each other. Somehow.

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Ordertaker's going after Booker King. And his royal majesty has fallen down faster than Bam Bam!

Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: BAH GAWD! Show some respect!!!

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: WHAT? I meant Terry "Bam Bam" Gordie. He's been dead for years. Surely the statute of limitations on jokes about him have been lifted by now.

Michael "S.P." Hayes: Sometimes, late at night, I can still hear him speaking to me... (sniff).


"Don't go messin' with a country boy, a country boy, a country boy. Don't go messin…"

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: That music could only mean the arrival of Montenacious Vivacious Porterhouse, aka VIP. He's the most exciting superstar ever!

Michael Coal: EVER!!!

Jerry "The King" Lawyer: This has to be one of the strangest developments in Rumble Royale history! Ricky Flare and Sean McMichaels just shoulderblocked each other and began spontaneously bleeding. EMT's are removing them both from the match.


"You… look… so… good to me."

Tazzzzzzz: Instead of that being Reeco, it's actually Timmy Dreamer. And now he's out. Crap!

Joe E. Styles: I find it a little suspicious that…

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: SHUT UP, COAL!!! Keep your damn opinions to yourself!


"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… what a rush!"

Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: Bah gawd, here comes the greatest tag team to ever set foot in a WWE ring! The Road Warriers, Hog and Mammal!

Jerry "The King" Lawyer: No, it's just the music situation again. In reality, it's Kenneth Dykstra on his way to the ring.

Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: Do I still work for Bill Wattz?

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: It looks as though Masterpiece and VIP have eliminated Ordertaker from the ring! Just kidding; it's the other way around.


"He's just a common man. Workin' hard with his hands. He's an Amerrrrr-ican Dream!"

Michael Coal: And here comes Miz "The Mizz" Mizzington. This reality-television star could be the difference maker, as we come down to the last few entrants.

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: I'm gonna be a difference-maker on your ass in the shower if you don't keep quiet!

Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: Horowitz wins! Horowitz wins!

Jerry "The King" Lawyer: Have you started inhaling barbeque sauce now or something?


"Don't treat me like a woman. Don't treat me like a man. Don't treat me like you know me. Treat me for just who I am."

Tazzzzzzz: That's apparently the music for our 29th entrant, ECW's See 'Em Punk. And he's been eliminated already. Big fuckin' deal.

Jerry "The King" Lawyer": Mizz and Dysktra have just been eliminated. Because they suck.

Joe E. Styles: So that means…

Michael Coal: So that means that entrant number 30 is next.

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Thanks for stating the obvious, you stupid fucking nerd.


"Money money money money (Money)." Not the Ted DiBeassey version, but the one they use on The Apprentice.

Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: BAH GAWD! I can't believe it - number 30 is none other than billionaire Gerald Trump!!!

Jerry "The King" Lawyer: And for once, J.R., you're not making up shit. That really is Trump, entering the Rumble! Woo hoo!

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: Coal, this is one of the most famous, wealthiest, entrepreneurs in the world, so don't insult the people by belittling Trump's contributions to this match.

Michael Coal: Well, JLB, I didn't…

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: SHUT UP!

Michael Coal: No, YOU shut up! I've had it up to here with you talking down to me, insulting me, and raping me in the shower. Well, the shower stuff is fine, but you can NOT talk to me like that anymore!

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: I… never realized you felt that way.

Joe E. Styles: But…

Michael Coal: Perhaps if you spent less time raping guys in the shower and more time listening to my needs, you would have understood that.

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: I admit; I have been very selfish lately.

Michael Coal: It's not just "lately". This goes back to the supershow tapings in Washington. Would it have killed you to take some "us" time so that we could explore our feelings?

Joe E. Styles: Guys…

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: But, Michael, I just thought…

Michael Coal: That's exactly the problem! You "thought". You never ASKED! How can I ever trust you if we can't even talk about our issues, openly and honestly?

Joe E. Styles: Will you two just…

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: I have a lot of learning to do.

Michael Coal: Yes. Learning and loving.

Justin Breadshaw Lagerfeld: (Sniff) I'm sorry, Michael. Can you give this selfish Texan a second chance?

Michael Coal: I wouldn't have it any other way, partner.



Gerald Trump: Good evening, everyone. People want to know why I, a self-made billionaire, or however the hell I made my money, would want to enter a wrestling match. No, it's not because it's been a lifelong ambition of mine. It's not to boost ratings for my shitty television show. It's not even to set up an angle with Vince MacMahon at WrestelMania XXX3. It's because I am going to take this opportunity today to reveal my true identity.

Jerry "The King" Lawyer: Trump is taking off his wig… and now his mask… I can't believe it. He's really…

Joe E. Styles: OH MY GOD! It's Canadian Bulldog!!!

Spanish Announcing Guy # 1: Ah sí, es cierto. El perro de presa ganó el Retumba aquí, aquí y aquí.

Good Ol' J.R. Ewing: Canadian Bulldog has won the Rumble Royale for the fourth straight year, bah gawd!!! For all the other announcers, I'm Gordon Soley! Good night, everyone!


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.