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The ScOOuting Report 

February 20, 2007

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


"Screw you, Austin. You're FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!" -- Gerald Trump, 2007.
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and VERY SPECIAL edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm employee of the month Canadian Bulldog, and we have a very special edition of ITR here for you this week (as I mentioned in the previous sentence). No time to get into my usual pleasantries, witty banter and small-talk (just found out I have only six weeks to live), so let's get right to it!!!

As you all know by now, self-made millionaire Gerald Trump has challenged World Wrestling Federtainment Corporation Incorporated Inc. Incorporated Inc. figurehead president Vince MacMahon to a match at WrestelMania XXX3 ("I'm All Grown Up")! And each man will get to choose a wrestler to do their bidding, in the ring and outside of it (e.g. sexually)! And after the tag team match is over, the loser will get their head shaved! BALD! And Brutus The Beefcake will be there (thanks Pradeep) to give the haircut, just like he was 23 years ago at the original WrestelMania III in the Pontiac Sunfiredome! And then when he's done, he'll kick him in the back of the neck to wake him up and FORCE him to look in the mirror at his hair-cutting job, which he will hate! And then he'll start "struttin’-and-a-cuttin'" to his theme music that was probably composed on a Korg synthesizer! And then we'll go the Event Center, where Mean Gene Okerfeld will tell us about the upcoming show in Rochester, New York! And he'll bring out Bobby The Brian Heynan as his guest at this time, and he'll call all of the people in Rochester "humanoids"! And then Lord Albert Hays will say that "promotional consideration has been paid for by the following - Stetson Cologne, HARD TO RESIST!" And it will be the greatest stipulation ever!


I'm getting slightly off-topic: MacMahon picked his grappler this week on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw, but Trump still to make his choice. To help him out (YOU'RE WELCOME, MISTER MONEYBAGS!!!), and also as a nod to baseball's recent Pitchers vs. Catchers report, I thought I'd provide an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED Scouting Report for the top ten wrestlers (that are still alive and in WWE).

Weight: 300-ish.
Hometown: Seasonal Residences.
Championships Held: None as of press time.
Best Known For: Growing/shaving his hair on demand, sometimes more than once on the same television program.

Why would Trump choose Bautista, knowing that he's already (allegedly) in the main event of WrestelMania XXX3? Simple - "The Cerebral Assassin" is a powerhouse, and that's what you need to succeed in today's 'rasslin' business'. We've seen his numerous feats of strength in recent years (holding a truck up with his knees, setting the world record for benchpressing… with the help of one Jessie Ventura, and playing an "absolutely perfect" game of billiards), now it's time for this sexy youngster to prove his mettle once and for all.

Weight: 23 pounds
Hometown: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Championships Held: Missouri; Texas; California.
Best Known For: Exploiting the late, great "Latin Heat" Eddie Guerrera.

Many in the past have thought that Chris Benwah was just an undersized bastard looking to get a paycheck, and they've been proven wrong. Or proven right; I can't remember.

But the bottom line is, the "Charismatic Enigma" has gone toe-to-toe with some of the toughest hombres in our so-called sport, and usually ends up on top (unless he jobs). It will be difficult for the battling billionaires to find a better sexpot to side with.

Weight: No, you weight!
Hometown: Funkytown.
Championships Held: Spinning World Title, Spinning U.S. Title, (as an amateur) Spinning NCAA Championship.
Best Known For: Pimpin' hos nationwide.

This pick may be, as rich people like to say, "money in the bank". Jon Cena, who rose to prominence while starring in the Golden Globe-nominated film "The Marina", has never lost during his entire WWE/F career and sure as HELL isn't about to lose with the world's two wealthiest people at ringside.

This isn't rocket science (it's basic thuganomics). Pick "The Phenom" and you're guaranteed to have a winner that the wrestlers and fans universally love.

Weight: 110 pounds soaking wet.
Hometown: Cameron, North Cackalackie.
Championships Held: WWE International, WWE Little Heavyweight, TNA Hardcore; WCW Tag Team; OMEGA Welterweight.
Best Known For: Drugs.

"They" predicted that he'd never return to the WWE. "They" said he was too small to capture a minor championship. "They" said his best days were behind him. "They" said he wasn't dumb enough to pour paint all over his face. Who are "they" anyways?

The bottom line is, Jeff Hardee's capable of anything he sets his mind to. Those who doubt whether "The Enforcer" is capable of getting the job done are, in this humble scribe's opinion, stupid pieces of crap.

Weight: You betcha!
Hometown: Pearl River, Mississippi
Championships Held: Yes.
Best Known For: Leaving the toilet seat up (typical man!)

Young, sexy Bobby Lashleroux exploded on the scene in New ECW late last year to the delight of all eight people still watching the show. Both his nonrelentlessness and explosivism (which aren't actual words) have impressed many a stupid mark since that time.

Being in the MacMahon-Trump match kills - as they say at Yale - two birds with one stone. First, Trump would have a real "hoss" in his corner, and second, it takes Lashleroux out of whatever New ECW crapfest he was originally penciled to be in.

Weight: Pounds
Hometown: San Antonio, Louisiana
Championships Held: All.
Best Known For: Losing his smile; finding his religion.

They call Sean McMichaels "Mr. WrestelMania" for a reason -- he's appeared at over 170 of them, laughing all the way to the bank. Okay, once he limped all the way to the bank, but the point is, he got there. Safely and sexily.

By having the self-professed "Super Hero In Training" in his corner, Trump can pretty much guarantee himself an easy night. So long as it isn't one of those rare matches where McMichaels blades…

Weight: Could stand to lose some.
Hometown: Death Valley, Texas
Championships Held: All-Japan Cruiserweight; European Commonwealth.
Best Known For: Rolling eyes back into his head; not selling for anyone, even once.

This one is a no-brainer (as opposed to my previous picks, which were some-brainers). The Ordertaker has RARELY lost at WrestelMania, and if you're a pathetic billionaire, wouldn't you want someone with a 14-2 track record on your side, as opposed to someone less proven like, say, SHNITSKY!!!?

His biggest advantage: Taker cannot be controlled by man, woman or beast (strangely enough, all three categories could be used to describe Ninth Wonder of the World China). If Vince tells Taker to join his elite "Kiss My Grits" club, the sexy grappler would likely refuse.

Weight: A slim, trim 217 pounds.
Hometown: Some loser city like Newark or something.
Championships Held: ROH "Pretend Wrestling" Title.
Best Known For: Becoming famous.

Can you imagine the delight of stupid marks everywhere if See ‘Em Punk, the self-professed “Man Who Made Milwaukee Famous”, ends up in Trump’s corner?

Neither can I.

Weight: Combined
Hometown: TORONTO, BABY!!! Well, technically Orangeville, Ontario. But still…
Championships Held: WWF/E Tag Team Titles 1,345 times; King O' The Ring; others.
Best Known For: Stealing the patented catchphrase of a prominent wrestling writer who won't be named, roughly two years ago. Okay, fine, you twisted my arm - it was me!!!

What could ThEdge possibly offer Trump, besides obvious sex appeal and a set of huge round eyes? Plenty!

In 2006 alone, "The Ch-ch-chosen One" cashed in his guaranteed title opportunity; faced off against Jon Cena; faced off against Cena again; and again; and again; and again,;and then once more towards the end of the year. Is he likely to exceed his achievements this year, or will he have exactly the same year as he did in 2006?


(That's my line, by the way. Just saying.)

Weight: 4,323 pounds
Hometown: Samoa City, Utah
Championships Held: WCW TV Title (Hahahahahaha, loser).
Best Known For: Teaming with Rosie and Ricola as the Three Man Warning.

It's a cold, hard fact: In his entire WWE career, which just started last year, according to his wwe.com biography, Umagla has never lost a match. NEVER!!!

Who can stop this big, talkative and - ha ha - un-defeated "Human Suplex Machine" and his sexy handler Armando Elajandro Essa Rios Psychosis Jose Lothario Estrada? NO ONE!!! And Vince may underestimate the sexy Samoan because he's racist*.

* - not confirmed.

There you have it – the chosen 10 that could possibly advance to the big event (WrestelMania, that is, not "The Big Event" from Toronto’s CNE Stadium 21 years ago where a young, sexy, Canadian Bulldog sat 16 rows behind ringside).

If you have any questions, comments or gardening tips, be sure to drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here first, it’s… Inside The Ropes.


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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