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INSIDE THE ROPES    
Death, Roids, Expansion, and MORE~! 

March 15, 2007

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Holla holla if ya hear me, playa." 
     
-- Scotty Too Steiner and T.D. Long (together)

 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and DEAD SEXY edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Peabody Award-winning journalist Canadian Bulldog. We've got a TON of news to get to this week, but first, we begin, as always, with a quick poll:

Who's going to get their head shaved on April 1st?

(A)         Bobby Lashleroux
(B)         Stoned Cold Steve Austen
(C)         Some Guy In The Army

(D)         Me (having surgery)
(E)         Yes.

Be sure to vote for your choice at the official Inside The Ropes website (motto: "Always fresh 'cause you keep eating them"). And here's how you stupid marks voted last time:

What is The Abyss' big fucking secret, anyways?

(A)         He can't swim - 6 %
(B)         He bakes a mean cannoli - 27 %
(C)         He used to be a chick - 21 %
(D)         He's secretly afraid of thumbtacks - 25 %
(E)         Yes. - 19 %

And now, onto the news…

Good News, Bad News: As you all know by now unless you've suffered massive brain damage, the wrestling world recently lost Bad, Bad, Bad News Brown, Baddest Man In The Whole Damn Town (real name: Bad, Bad, Bad News Allen) after he suffered massive brain damage.

This marks the third "big" wrestling death in as many months, with Bamam Bigelou and My Kawesome both heading to the Bingo Hall In The Sky earlier this year. Wow -- all three were members of the original Triple Threat in EC F'N W as well! You can't make shit like that up, folks.

The good news is, I thought that you might like to know a little more about the former Harlem Heat member, so I present to you: 

10 Things You Never Knew About Bad News

1)  Was the only person in the history of professional wrestling not to have entrance music and a Titantron video.

2)  Was a master of Judo, Tai-Kwon Do, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, Karate, Yoshi Kwan, and Ninja. Won his first black belt by ghetto-blasting the skull of his prone opponent.

3)  Refused to respond to a letter from yours truly that talked about the development and marketing of "Bad News Brownies".

4)  Was afraid of snakes. Also, spiders.

5)  To get even with Rod Roddy Piper, he once painted half of his body white, using Liquid Paper. But when he went to wash it off, the liquid paper had removed his tattoo!

6)  Used to wrestle as a babyface under the name Good News Green.

7)  Delighted fans with popular catchphrase "What I'd like to have right now, is for all you fat, beer-bellied sharecroppers to keep the noise down, while I show the ladies what a real man is supposed to look like. Hit my music!"

8)  Worked in later years as a florist.

9)  His "Harlem Sewer Rats" were, in reality, just Harlem Sewer Gerbils.

10)  At the end of WrestelMania The Fourth, he offered graciously to split his Royal Rumble trophy with Brent "Hatman" Hurt. But then "The Most Excellent Of Execution" REFUSED and broke it over Bad News' head, and now every time Bad News gets a headache, he thinks of Brent's stupidity. But not anymore because he's dead, and you can't get headaches after you've died. Right?

Rest in peace, Bad News. The world was better off for having been intimidated by you.

For those of you wondering whatever happened to former WWE super Billyjack Hanes… me too. Let me know if you hear anything.

It's (Allegedly) True, It's (Allegedly) Damn True: Stupid NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass) wrestler Kur Tangle has been (allegedly) arrested for taking steroids! Up his ass! At a health clinic in Florida along with Jozee Canseco and Larry Bonds and Lyle Alzado! And it all went down back when he was (allegedly) in WWE, when he was (allegedly) playing that lame commissioner role! And that's why they had to keep him in a wheelchair! And he was so roid-ragey back then, that he (allegedly) forced Lucifer Reigns to cart him around everywhere! And WWE figurehead commissioner Vince MacMahon tried to get the former Olympic Hero to (allegedly) pee in a cup at the time, but in anger, he pulled down one strap of his singlet and (allegedly) Ankle-Slammed Vince! And it's alleged that Tangle (allegedly) broke his freaking neck before of steroids! And T&A is going to turn it into an angle! Pun not intended! Well, it was kind of intended but I thought it would be a lot funnier before I typed it! And the angle (hah!) involves Scotty Too Steiner (allegedly) supplying Tangle with steroids without Tangle even KNOWING about it! And it will be best the most outrageous Vince Rousseau-written storyline ever!

EVER!!!

Could it be that New ECW Original Rod Van-Damme is considering leaving WWE so that he can compete in rinky-dink little promotions in the Northeastern U.S. and Japan and Chyna and Taiwan and South Korea? POSSIBLY!!!

So let me get this straight: the WWE Board of Directors sees fit to induct "Mr. America" Dustey Roads, "Sir Perfect" Kirk Henning, Jerry "The King" Lawyer" and Nick Bockelwinkel into their incestuous little Hall of Shame, yet they never to invite Andrew The Giant? Come on guys – he should have been the FIRST person you thought of. Things like that make me ashamed to be a wrestling fan!!! Also, things like necrophilia angles…

Let's go back to a little feature I like to call "CHEERS and BOOS":

CHEERS to Stoned Cold Steve Austen for returning to a sport that needed him, even if it is just to plug his crappy movie that no one would watch if he wasn't in it.

BOOS to Melita. During a recent debate on Friday! Night! Smack! Down, she said that the only reason Asheligh Mizzaro posed in Playgirl Magazine, was because Hugh Hebner couldn't afford to have the WWE Girls' Champion in it. Thanks a LOT for robbing the world a chance to see you nude, BITCH!

CHEERS to Bobby Lashleroux, who is both Soft-Spoken and Hard-Hitting, if his Titantron video is to believed.

BOOS to Ravishing Ricky Rude, because one time, when I was ten, I asked him for an autograph and said he had to get into the arena. Thanks for running my childhood, BITCH!

Is there trouble brewing between noted catchphrase stealer ThEdge and third-generation douchebag Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!? NO!!!

We Are The Federation… Of Domination: According to reliable sources, World Wrestling Federtainment Incorporated Inc. is about to create several new territories around the world so it will be the only game in town!

First, they will move Friday! Night! Smack! Down! to England, and the main stars will be William Royal, L'il Bastard and Paul Churchill. Then, they're going to take EC F'N Dub to China, which will be headed by Takajiri, Kenzoko Suzuki and Jimmy Wang Chung. After that, they will move sUndAy nIght heAt to Iraq, which will feature Mohachmed Hussein, Duhvari, The Great Collie and The Iran Sheik. Metal will be moved to Parts Unknown (The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain, The Alllllllllll-timate Worrier and Mr. X) and Jakked will go to Samoa (Umagla, Rikishi Phatu And Your Mother Too and The Great Collie). Finally, they will move WWE Blast Off to Australia but because they can't find Nathan Johns and Outback Steakhouse Jack, the promotion will only go a few weeks before getting cancelled!

Ever since I started this column almost four years ago (wow!), people (mostly Johnny ITR) have asked me to provide one of my EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview for NWA T&A paper-views. So here's what to expect for their upcoming De-Destination X PPV.

Oh… crap, it already happened. My bad. Maybe next time.

Finally, here are five more collectable, randomly-inserted ITR Trading Cards to add your already-impressive collection:

 

 

Well, that about does it for this week. If you have any feedback, comments or questions, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com. And remember, if you heard it here, it's… Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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