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INSIDE THE ROPES    
WrestleMania XXX3 Weekend:
The Only Preview You'll Ever Need~! EVER~!

March 29, 2007

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, good evening.
This main event is really quite deceiving.
Real wrestling fans are sitting at home grieving.
MacMahon and Trump? Fuck this – I think I'm leaving." 
      
-- WrestelMania XXX3 Theme Song by Drool. 
 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and HIGHLY ILLUSTRATED edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm astrologist to the stars Canadian Bulldog, and if you're anything like me, (besides being extremely sexy) you've got WrestelMania Fever!!! 

What are the symptoms? A relentless need to see AMAZING wrestling matches; a mild case of hype; dizziness; nausea; loss of

sleep; a wet, hacking cough; and constipation. At least that's what I'VE got right now, which is why I might start writing in tongues by the end of dasdgh gefsh sheb.

 

In order to cure your fever ahead of "The Grandfather Of Them All", WrestelMania XXX3: I'm All Grown Up Now, here is an EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED preview of what you stupid marks can expect. But before the big night takes place – let's take a brief look at this year's… 

 

Inductee: Jerry "The King" Lawyer
Being inducted by: Jean-Luc Picard
Best Known For: Dating Andy Koffman's underage daughter in the 70's.
Titles Held: USWA Championship (2,307 times)
Quote: "Hakuna Matata/I just can't wait to be King."
Mentioned in Thanks For The Compliment: Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!! ?: Yes, when he was invited to take part in my naked wrestling promotion. He never responded.

Inductee: Master Fuji
Being inducted by: The Oriental Express
Best Known For: Snorting ceremonial salt in the 80's.
Titles Held: Probably.
Quote: "Ohhhhh Yesssssss…"
Mentioned in Thanks For The Compliment: Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!: No, but he WAS mentioned in the aftermath of the book, when I pretended to be him and registered a Fuji e-mail address, during a series of letters with The Warlord and Some Kickboxer.

Inductee: "Sir Perfect" Kirk Henning
Being inducted by: Ravishing Rick Rood
Best Known For: Gum swat.
Titles Held: WWE International (9 times), WCW Southeastern (doesn't exist).
Quote: "I came here to swat gum and kick ass, and I'm all out of gum. Because I keep swatting it away…"
Mentioned in Thanks For The Compliment: Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!: Sadly, I never had the opportunity.

Inductee: Nick Bockelwinkel
Being inducted by: How the hell should I know?
Best Known For: Eating oatmeal, probably.
Titles Held: AWA Old-Timers World Title (22 times)
Quote: "I'm just an old piece of crap."
Mentioned in Thanks For The Compliment: Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!: As though buddy even HAS an e-mail address!

Inductee: The Original Iron Sheik
Being inducted by: Daivari
Best Known For: Lying, cheating, stealing.
Titles Held: E-C-F'n-Dub
Quote: "Iran, number one. Russia, number one. U.S.A. – Hock, ptooey!"
Mentioned in Thanks For The Compliment: Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!: Nope.

Inductee: "Mr. American" Dustey Rhodes
Being inducted by: His Gay-Ass Son (Not that there's anything wrong with that)
Best Known For: That red wart on his stomach.
Titles Held: NWA Perennial Bleeder's Mid-Southern Florida Missouri Texas Championship.
Quote: "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee."
Mentioned in Thanks For The Compliment: Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!: Yes. His manager (tentatively) agreed to a cooking show called "Fine Cuisine With The American Dream" until it turned out to be a show glorifying marijuana use.

Inductees: The Wild Samoan Bulldozers (Ofa and Sama)
ng inducted by: Samoa Jones
Best Known For: Never learning how to wear boots.
Titles Held: WWF Tag Team (with Capt. Lou and Afa's help)
Quote: "You… are… a man! You… are… a man!"
Mentioned in Thanks For The Compliment: Canadian Bulldog's Nuttiest Letters Ever! EVER!!!: Yes. Actually, Afa was twice – once in the book when I enquired about his wrestling school/the whereabouts of Siva Afi, and again after the book, when I asked his wife if the tag team would show up at a comedy club.

Now that that's out of the way, let's get on with the show!!!

 

Main Event
Bobby Lashleroux
(with Gerald Trump)
Vs.

Umagla
(with Vince MacMahon in a neutral corner)
Special Ringside Sheriff: Stoned Cold Steve Austen

Loser Must Be Bald FOREVER!!!

"Who Wants To Shave A Millionaire?" That's the question millions of hardcore wrestling fans have been asking ever since The Apprentice himself (and no, not Johnny ITR) first called Vince's sexy ass out on television.

But when Vince challenged Gerald to a match, Gerald said he was too fat and slovenly to compete! So Vince reluctantly brought in his un-defeated… ha ha… Samoadian Bulldozer Umagla to TCB (that's "Take Care Of Business", for all you Sims Brothers fans out there). In retaliation, the owner of Trump Towers, Trump Plaza, Trump Casinos and Trump's 1-Hour Dry Cleaning hired the formerly undefeated (before he started losing matches) Bobby Lashleroux.

Because this has match the potential to be such a technical classic, the prestigious World Wrestling Federtainment Inc. Corp. Ltd. Board of Directors could only find one man drunk enough to oversee it: Stoned Cold Steve Austen. And kids, if someone crosses "The Memphis Rattlesnake", I have a funny feeling he may just pull out a can of Whip Ass.

 

Main Event
Deacon Bautista

Vs.

The Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To

ECW Title vs. Undefeated Streak

Best friends turned mortal enemies? It's a concept just crazy enough to work.

For years, Deacon Bautista and The Ordertaker were inseparable chums, wishing each other only the best of luck in their future endeavors. But that friendship ended, much like my marriage, with a vicious chokeslam.

Who will win -- the guy who never, ever loses, or his much more expendable counterpart? It's a good thing I don't wager bets like this in Vegas (I stick to penny slots) because I wouldn't be able to pick one this close.

 

Jon Cena
Vs.

"Heartburn Kid" Sean McMichaels

Spinning World Title/Tag Belts on the line

Best friends turned mortal enemies? It's a concept just crazy enough to work.

When Jon Cena and Sean McMichaels captured their first (but hopefully not last!) set of World Tag Team Titles together earlier this year, many people, yours truly included, thought it was the start of a long-term partnership. As it turns out -- not so much.

Now, the two former D-Generated X members must face off in what will no doubt be a comedy-filled bout. Will one of them walk out of Ford Bronco Field the champion? BANK ON IT!!!

 

Main Event
Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!!

Vs.

Kevin Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY)

Vs.

Fat Finley

Vs.

Mike Hardy Version Windows Vista

Vs.

Jeff Hardee's

Vs.

King Bookie

Vs.

See 'em Punk

Vs.

"The Rated E For Everyone Superstar" ThEdge

Winner Gets To Hold Any Title They Want For A Year

 

Best friends turned mortal enemies? It's a concept just crazy enough to… aw, fuck it.

Watch for this match to feature at least eight different ladders at any given time! And Jeff Hardee's will somehow connect all of them and leap from seventy-eight feet in the air on his head! And then Fat Finley will force L'il Bastard to grab the briefcase, only he can't because he's too short! And Kevin Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!) will talk for a while, because that's all he's good for! And that will hurt Mike Hardy's feelings, because he's an emo pussy!  And then King Bookie will get depressed because he used to be the champion! And the fans will cheer See 'Em Punk for no apparent reason! And Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! is so dumb that he'll start looking for an escalator! And ThEdge will win, JUST so he can steal my catchphrase, like he did two years ago! And it will be the most unpredictable match ever!

EVER!!!

 

Main Event
Melita

Vs.

Asleigh

Loser Has To Sleep With Winner

Apparently, these lovely young vixens have been odds ever since they found out that neither were going to be able to date ME (I prefer redheads).

So now, Melita and Asleigh will take it to the streets, as the kids say, fighting over the prestigious Girls' Title. Who will be the true winner of this match? THE FANS!!!

 

Main Event
The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain

Vs.

The Great Collie

Special "Hey, Why The Fuck Not?" Match

 

Bad blood began brewing between both burly behemoths, before battling beneath big borders.

BO-RING!

 

Main Event
New ECW

Vs.

Original New ECW

Losing Faction Is Really Lame

 

If you've watched "ECW on The Science Network"… well, ever, you'll know that there is a struggle between two separate, yet equally important groups. The Originals, who investigate crime, and The New Breed, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.

(DAH DAH)

 

Main Event
"Canadian Crippler" Chris Benwah

Vs.

V.I.P.

Annual "Benwah Loses The Belt" Match

 

Look for the team of to come out on top.

Speaking of which… where have all the tag teams gone? Have you noticed that WWE has DELIBERATELY left great duos like London & Kendrix, M&M, Lance Murdoch and Trevor Cade, Los Resistance, The Hardy Brotherz and Rated ORK off the card?

WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT?

I mean, a WrestelMania without tag team matches is like me having a fever without having to visit the hospital. Anyways, that about does it for this week. Remember, if you heard it here first, it's Sigdsgdaj Oyd Flepp.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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