Powered by LiquidWeb NEW SEARCH FEATURE! IT WORKS!
Search all of OO for news, columnists, and articles about your favorites!

 
News  -/-  Recaps  -/-  Columns  -/-  Features  -/-  Reference  -/-  Archives  -/-  Interact  -/-  Site Info
 

Donate to Online Onslaught!
CLICK HERE TO HELP KEEP OO ALIVE!
MAIN PAGE
NEWS
     Daily Onslaught
RECAPS
     RAW
     SmackDown!
     PPV
     NWA-TNA
     Heat
     Velocity
     Other 
COLUMNS
     Obtuse Angle
     RAW Satire
     The Broad
         Perspective

     Inside the Ropes
     OOld Tyme
         Rasslin' Revue
    
Circa/Dungeon 
     Title Wave
    
Crashing the
         Boards

     Deconstruction
     Smarky Awards
     Big in Japan
     Guest Columnists
     2 Out of 3 Falls
     Devil's Due
     The Ring
     The Little Things
     Timeline
    
SK Rants
    
The Mac Files
     Sq'd Circle Jerk
     TWiFW
FEATURES
     RAW vs. SD!:
         Brand Battle
 
     Cheap Heat 
     Year in Review
     Monday Wars
     Road to WM 

     Interviews
REFERENCE
     Title Histories
     Real Names
     PPV Results
     Smart Glossary
     Birthdays 
ARCHIVES 
INTERACT
     Message Boards
     Live Chat 
SITE INFO
     Contact
     OO History

If you attend a live show, or have any other news for us, just send an e-mail to this address!  We'd also love to hear from you if you've got suggestions or complaints about the site...  let us have it!

 
INSIDE THE ROPES    
Oh My God, It's a BLOG~! 

April 5, 2007

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"I spit in the face of people who keep me babyface" 
         - Charlita Caribbean Cruel, 2007.

 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and FUNKADELIC edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm America's favorite game show host Canadian Bulldog, and we have a TON to get to this week. Literally more than 2000 pounds worth of things for you!  But first, as usual, let's take a quick poll:

WHAT?

(A) WHAT?
(B) WHAT?
(C) WHAT?
(D) WHAT?
(E) Yes.

Be sure to register your vote at the official ITR website (Official motto: "Still not updated, but at least I've put a new slideshow on the main page"). And here's how you ridiculously stupid marks voted last time:

Who's gonna get their head shaved on April 1st?

(A) Bobby Lashleroux - 6 %
(B) Stoned Cold Steve Austen - 26 %
(C) Some Guy In The Army - 20 %
(D) Me (having surgery) - 24 %
(E) Yes. - 20 %

Oh, and just as an aside... I received several emails from people legitimately concerned that I was REALLY having surgery. Just to clear the air on this -- I can't have surgery until they find an acceptable organ. And now, onto the news...

WHOA-OH-OH, WHOA-OH-OH, WRESTELMANIA, FIGHTIN' TO SURVIVE (Just like that, just like that): Because I've been following the industry we call Stupid Fake Wrestling for more than 20 years now, and I somehow thought of this week's WrestelMania XXX3, "The Grandfather Of Them All". 

That said, here's my, blow-by-blow, second-by-second, hour-by-hour, day-by-day blog of my WMXXX3 thoughts. Enjoy!!!
 

6:55pm
Sitting in a comfortable chair stocked with beer, popcorn, chocolate, chips, pop and some junk food, with the latest copies of WWE Magazine and Wrestling Eye out for fact-checking purposes; I'm ready for the big event to begin.
7:00pm
Unfortunately, today is March 31st, and it dons on me that WrestleMania XXX3 is not scheduled to air until tomorrow.
7:00pm (April 1)
This is more like it. The lovely and talented Sheldon Benjamin's Mama kicks things off, belting out a stirring rendition of the national anthem "America: Fuck Yeah!" to an appreciative crowd of more than 800,000 fans in Ford Fairlane Theater.
7:22pm
Kevin Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!) becomes Mr. BANK ON IT!!! after defeating L'il Bastard to capture the prestigious honor. Now, he can challenge for any title he wants, even in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass), as many times as he wants, for 12 whole months.
7:49pm
The Great Collie "puts over" The Big Stupid Red Machine Kain in an exciting, give-and-take spotfest. Let's hope we can see more from these young and sexy entertainers.
7:55pm
Crime Team gets involved in a vignette with Mean Eugene, Dustey Roads, Marvelous Moolah, The Dr. Of Style Silk, Ricky The Steamboat and Other Old-Timers. 

There's no joke to be made here; just thought I'd mention it.
8:23pm
Montel Vivantious Porterhouse (V.I.P.) fails to live up to his childhood dream of making Chris Benwah job on the "grandest stage of 'em all." V.I.P. will probably get fired for his incompetence.
8:31pm
Canadian Bulldog is getting a snack (oops, sorry; that was supposed to be my entry on Facebook).
8:45pm
Fellow billionaire Gerald Trump is sitting on his couch, and he's clearly a-scared of Boogie Man. 

Maybe you should have chosen HIM as your representative then!!!
8:46pm
Howard Funkel announces this year's HOF nominees: Nick Bockelwinkel, Dustey Roads, Good Ol' JR Ewing, Jerry "The King" Lawyer, Some Woman, The Old Man Who Always Wrote In Inside Wrestling That "Z-Man Would Never Beat My Boy Curt If He Went To The WWF", and the grandparents of Master Fuji and The Wild Samoan Submission Machines.
9:21pm
The Classic Old-School Ordertaker Who Looks Exactly Like He Used To overcomes the odds and SHOCKS THE WORLD by not jobbing to Deacon Bautista. 

Let's just hope he's still alive 20 years from now, so that we can see him doing the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING!!!
9:22pm
Vince MacMahon's granddaughter can apparently already operate a camcorder.
9:24pm
Not sure how this match lasted negative two minutes, but still... New Old ECW defeats New New ECW, showing us all what extreme is all about: short, pointless matches without the use of any weapons whatsoever.
9:26pm
In a surprise "All Grown Up Now" bonus match, Little Cena and Little McMichaels defeat Little Bautista and Little Ordertaker. Post-match, Little HKB delivers a tiny superkick to Little Cena.
9:35pm
Wow - the Barber Chair gets its own theme song, pyro and Titantron video!!!
9:52pm
Gerald Trump can no longer tell which wrestler is his and which is Vince MacMahon's. 

And yet he starts a "This is awesome! Clap clap clap clap clap!" chant from ringside. Go figure.
10:01pm
Vince MacMahon, the owner of this very company (well, WWE; but also the company I work at now, Kozinaka Uranium Concern), gets his head shaved! Bald! And now he's SO MUCH FUNNIER! Because he has no hair! And everyone knows that, if you don't have hair, you're horribly ugly! And HILARIOUS! Except for me, because I have thinning hair, and don't really appreciate the jokes! But still, it was the best haircut ever!
10:01:30
EVER!!!
10:04pm
Melita vs. Asleigh begins!!!
10:04:06
I finish jerking off, and the match is already over?? As Rob Simmons himself might say: "DARN!"
10:07pm
Is it just me, or did they switch the Jon Cena vs. Sean McMichaels video package music with the song from the movie trailer of "Bridges Of Madison County" or something? I can hear the voiceovers in my mind:

It started after The Royal Rumble...

JR: These two men are on a collision course, bah gawd!

An match of epic proportions...

Cena: If you want some...

... is about to explode on the big screen.

Cena: Come... Get... Some!

Two men...

McMichaels: No fucking way I'm jobbing to him.

One goal...

Cena: You can't see me!

And a love so strong, no one can contain it...

McMichaels: You had me at hello.

This summer...

MacMahon: You're FIIIIIIIIIRED!!!

A struggle so epic, they could only call it...

JR: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE STOP THE DAMN MATCH?


Title Match

Summer 2007. This film has not yet been rated.
10:12pm
Jon Cena wins a race on the mean streets of Detroit, with his Too Fast, Too Furious, car beating out Steve Austen's Pick-Up Truck, Rod Van-Damme's Drug-Smoking Honda Civic, The Ordertaker's Hearse, Hollywood Hal Kogan's Cadillac, Rod Roddy Piper's Bagpipe Car and The Junk Yard Doug Junkmobile.
10:42pm
HKB taps out!!! Everyone (except for wrestling fans) goes home happy.

 
Wow -- how about that? EXACTLY 23 journal entries! That's as many entries as there have been WrestelManias, up until 10 years ago (it's WrestelMania XXX3, REMEMBER?!?). That has to be the biggest coincidence ever!

EVER!!!

That's such an incredible coincidence (the odds of that happening again are currently 108,786,932 to 1, according to a study I just made up now), that I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. Also, because they're just about to wheel me into surgery. Remember, if you heard it first, it's... Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
 
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!
 
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
 
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
 
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
 
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
 
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!
 
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
 
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over
 
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
 
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
 
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
 
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo
 
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
 
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
 
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome
 
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?
 
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power
 
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
 
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
 
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
 
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
 
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
 
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
 
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!
 
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
 
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
 
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
 
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

 

 

 


All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.