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INSIDE THE ROPES    
R-D-H! R-D-H! R-D-H! (or, "That Was 
Awesome *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap*")

April 18, 2007

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Yi yi yi yi yi yi yi yi! Yi yi yi yi!" 
     
Native American Tanaka, 1987.

 
Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and QUICKLY THROWN TOGETHER edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm luchadore-in-training Canadian Bulldog and we've got LOTS to get to this week! By which I mean, not very much. I said it was QUICKLY THROWN TOGETHER! But first, a quick poll:

 
What, exactly, is RDH?  

(A)         A revolutionary new something.
(B)         ROH spelled incorrectly.
(C)         That thing Rod Van-Damme says when he points to himself.
(D)         SHNITSKY!!!
(E)         Yes.

Be sure to register your vote at the official Inside The Ropes website (Official motto: "Whatever"). And here's how you stupid marks voted last time:

WHAT?

(A)         WHAT? – 6 %
(B)         WHAT? – 25 %
(C)         WHAT? – 21 %
(D)         WHAT? – 23 %
(E)         Yes. – 23 %

And now, onto the news…

RDH is coming: Before you know it, the phenomenon that is RDH will be upon us. And there's nothing ANYONE, not even Vince MacMahon, will be able to do to stop it!

Now you're probably saying to yourself: "Bulldog, what the hell IS RDH? Also, why am I talking to myself?" Both are excellent questions. Stay tuned!!!

An open letter to See 'Em Punk,

WHY, See 'Em? WHY?

By becoming part of New ECW's "New Guys" faction, you not only sold out your principles, but you sold out your FANS!!!

While I'm sure that hanging out with Elyijiah Burk, Marcus Corn Man, Matt Teacher, Mordecai and Hot Vampire Chick will probably be FUN, no one can party quite like Sand Man, Saboo and whomever else is staying on with the company past this summer when Vince MacMahon pulls the plug on the damn show.

And when you get hurt or even injured, who do you think Joe E. Styles is going to look out for? I GOT NEWS FOR YA, PAL -- JOE E.'S ONLY LOOKING OUT FOR JOE E. FROM HERE ON IN!!!

So in conclusion, while you might think it would be a good idea to side with this so-called "youth movement", maybe… oh, wait.

Actually, it's probably a pretty good idea to side with the so-called "youth movement."

Never mind.

Peace, out,
B-Dawg

Indy Show Mayhem: It seems that we were ALL set for the match of the century (the 20th century) between "Hollywood" Hal Kogan and Jerry "The King" Lawyer in front of at least 306 screaming fans in Memphis! But then Lawyer refused to put up his USWA title for the bout! And then Kogan complained to the money marks in the back because of his creative control clause! And WWE was worried because VH1 was going to air the match on its reality show "Wrestling Society XXX"! Not because they wanted the rights to it, but because the match would have really sucked! And so Kogan FORCED former New ECW Champion The Best Show to come out of retirement and wrestle "one final match" even though his back is currently broken, and he needs a forklift just to get out of bed! And I'm starting to run out of things to write in this paragraph, so let's just say it will be the greatest bush-league wrestling card ever!

EVER!!!

Do you believe in miracles? If so, you'll surely believe in newcomer Santana "Joey" Marella, who toppled the un-defeated… ha ha… Samodian Bulldogzer Umagla for the prestigious WWE International Title during a recent tour of Spain, in the sexy newcomer's first match ever.

Does this Latino heartthrob have what it takes to hold onto the belt for another two or three weeks, tops, before fading into obscurity? BANK ON IT!!!

By the way, here's what some of the critics are saying about RDH:

ü      "I don't know what that is." – The New York Times
ü      "Please stop using our printing press." – The Miami Herald
ü      "Simply amazing!" – The Canadian Bulldog Post

What's been happening on Friday! Night! Smack! Down! lately? No… really, what's been happening there? I haven't watched it in MONTHS!

I can't believe that the World Wrestling Federtainment Corp. Inc. Corp. Inc. Corp. Inc. Corp. Inc. Board of Directors haven't FIRED Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw general manager Little Sick Kid yet. First, he forces Jon Cena to defend the Spinning World Title against Rated ORK and Heartburn Kid Sean McMichaels at Backdraft, but then he forces New ECW Champion Bobby Lashleroux to make separate challenges to Umagla, Shane O' Max and Vince MacMahon. Who the hell gave this kid the book? Even Coach Man is more fair!!!

Arrive. Make Shitty Movie. Leave.: Has anyone seen the new Stoned Cold Steve Austen flick "The Condamned"?

Probably not, because it's not out yet in theaters (and if you did, SHAME ON YOU for downloading it illegally or buying a bootleg copy at the Pacific Mall in Scarborough)!

But according to high-ranking WWE officials, this film has "Box-Office Smash" written all over it! If you have a tight entertainment budget this spring and can either watch this film or "Spidey-Man 3: Return Of The Spider", the choice should be pretty damn obvious.

"The Condamned".

Over in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass), the big question (other than "Why is this crap-ass promotion still around?") is "Can Stink trust Double Jeff Jarrod?" The answer should be pretty damn obvious.

Yes.

See… I'm just… out of ideas… been doing this column for almost four years…

This just in: R-D-H! R-D-H! R-D-H! R-D-H! R-D-H! R-D-H!

Has anyone seen former future hall of famer Triple HHH in action lately? It's like he's fallen off the face of the earth! I hate to admit it, but D-Generated X just hasn't been the same without him.

Fourshadowing: Speaking of Stink (a few sentences ago), he appears on the new WWE DVD "Ricky Flare And The Four Horsemans", getting turned on by them numerous times.

Who, exactly, were the Horsemans? I have no fricking clue. But I sure wish someone would tell the True Wrestling Story of that group some day. Hint, hint…

Dass Cool: Recently, Charlita Caribbean Cruel made some disporgaing dispayraging dispurraging bad comments about WWE's Hollywood Writer Monkeys™. I decided to get to the bottom of this by sitting down with the former International Champion and talking with him over the telephone. What follows is the EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED transcript of our conversation:

CB: Is this Charlita?

C: No, this is Cartman, godammit!

CB: Thanks for the compliment!!! Question number one: What's with the comments you made all over the Internet?

C: RESPECT MAH AUTHORIT-AH!

CB: Oh, there's no doubt I respect you; I just think you're about to get fired. Question number two: How are things between you and Nature Guy Ricky Flare these days?

C: I've been keeping this place free of hippies since I was five and a half.

CB: Well, no one can argue that Flare isn't a filthy hippie. Question number three: What would you do if you ever got Little Sick Kid alone in the ring with you?

C: KICK ASS!

CB: Good strategy! Question number four: Have you ever considered using, you know, a comb? Your hair is a MESS, dude!

C: Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I want, biatch! Yeah, I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I want! I don't go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I'll do what I want!  

CB: Do what you want?? But don't you have to be a good little soldier to pacify the Hollywood Writer Monkeys™?

C: BEEEEEF-CAKE!

CB: Don't you go bringing Brutus The Beefcake into it! You know what? This interview… is OVER!!! (Hangs up phone)

C: Sweet!

CB: Aren't you supposed to say "Cool"?

C: Aren't you supposed to be off the phone by now?

CB: Touché.

Well, that about does it for this week (I mentioned at the start that this column was quickly thrown together, REMEMBER?). If you have any news, ideas, caffeine or whatever, drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember (RDH!), if you heard it here first, it's (RDH!) Inside The Ropes. RDH!

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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