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The Best Flashback Ever. LITERALLY~!

April 25, 2007

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Bulldog's Note:

Dear Webmaster Rick Scherer,

Canadian Bulldog here (don't pretend like you don't know who I am!!!). Hope all is well on your end, and that (random Ohio sports team) isn't giving you too much grief.
As you know by now unless you're a stupid mark, I am busy preparing for the arrival of RDH, right here, on this very website, in a short period of time. Thus, I haven't had time this week to prepare my usual dose of Oldline Onslut gOOdness.

But don't worry; just because I've been busy, that doesn't mean I'm going to whine about it like a Matt Horking little 

baby. Instead, I'm providing you with one of my critically-acclaimed "Retro ITR" columns, which now has its own SWANK slideshow:

So enjoy this Inside The Ropes from EXACTLY fifteen years ago today, and in the meantime, GO, (random Ohio sports team), GO!

Peace, Out,

Originally published October 5, 1986
Kickin' It Old... I Mean, Current, School in '86!!!

"Oooooh yes!" 
     - Matzoh Man Randy Sewage, recently.

Welcome, everyone, to another EXCLUSIVE, JAM-PACKED and ODDLY NOSTALGIC edition of Inside The Ropes. I'm Canadian Bulldog, vice-president of the local Howard Jones fan club (motto: "Things Can Only Get Better") and we've got a TON of news to get to this week!!

Must-See Stereotype TV: If you haven't watched the cable show T&T lately, do you have any idea what you're missing out on?

This week's program started off with witty banter between host Vince MacMahon Junior and Lord Alfred Hayes as they talked about how progressive wrestling is! And then they introduced their first guest, Tito Montana, who delighted us with his delicious burrito, taco and flying jalapeno recipes! And then they had Hillbilly John, Uncle Elvis and Cousin J.R. on to drink moonshine, while trying to chase greased pigs! And then Sivi Afa came out and did a traditional Samoan rain dance, even though his real name is Steve Peterson from The Bronx! And then The Iran Sheik showed us how to build terrorist bombs! But fortunately, Junk Yard Doug was able to build a missile out of household garbage to destroy it in time! So then he sang a song from his latest album on stage! And then Nick Volkov was shown in his hometown of Moscow, waiting in line for toilet paper and McDonald's hamburgers! And then The Killer B's were let out of their hive and kept stinging Lord Alfred on the ass! And then The British Bull Dogs (no relation) began hitting on Princess Diana! And then Vince shaved the head of George "The Aminal" Steel, but they didn't end up paying off the angle at all! And then Cowboy Bob Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! trashed a hotel room for no apparent reason! And then King King Bundy climbed the Umpire State Building! And The Heart Foundation explained how to perform coronary bypass surgery! And Adorable Adrian The Adonis sucked off Pat Pat Patterson! And then Master Fuji and The Magnificent Marino debuted their newest production, "Fuji Hamlet", starring The Marvelous Moolah as "Gertrude" and Jimmy Heart as "Horatio"! And it was the best sixty minute adrenaline rush of television ever!


Real American, My Ass: What on EARTH is up with Sir Wonderful Paul Ortondorff these days? One minute he's a white-bread babyface, gleefully hanging out with the likes of Mister Tee and Jimminy Superfreak Snooka and posing for his own Stretchie wrestling doll, and the next minute… he wants to DESTROY WWWF Champion Hal Kogan?

It was one thing when he accidentally clotheslined and piledroved The Halkstor during their tag team match with The Moondogwhackers on All-American Wrestling, but did he have to go and align himself with The Bobby The Brian Heenen Family? That's just ASKING for trouble!

Kogan recently said in an interview with Craig Da George that Paul is, and I quote, "a no-good turncoat," who will, and again I'm quoting "get destroyed by the power of Hal-Ko-Mania, brother!" He also mentioned that good tickets "are still available"!!!

Does anyone out there know if it's a new Perfect Strangers this week? I hope it's not a rerun of that one where there's a miscommunication between Balkie and Cou-senn Larry.

I will pay up to and including $10 (Canadian; so that's like only $3 American because our dollar's nowhere near at par) for a videotape (Beta only, PLEASE) of the AWA's recent SuperbClash III event. Whenever you have big names like Sheik Adnan L. Casey, Colonel DaBeers, The Fabulous Firebirds, The Irwin Brotherz and Nerd The Barbarian on the card, it's sure to be workrate heaven!

Um... whatever "workrate" means, that is...

Any idea when Ken Paterna gets out of prison? And will he have paid his debt to society by then? BANK ON IT!!!

An open letter to The Giant Machines,

Who in the BLUE HELL do you guys think you're kidding?  

Recently, you wowed us with your WWF debuts, but pretending that you're a tag team from Japan? I mean, come on! Your martial arts skills are barely passable, your knowledge of the language is adequate at best, and I'm not sure you'd even KNOW what to do with a pair of chopsticks!

This isn't 1985; fans are a lot more discerning these days. We read insider publications like Pro Wrestling Illustrated and we know what the real "scoop" is.

Just by looking at your physiques and mannerisms, it's obvious to me and everyone else who you guys REALLY are: Kimala The Ugandian Giant and Iron Mike Sharp under a pair of "hoods". So why not just own up to it and put and end to the charades?

Who knows - with that distraction out of your way, perhaps you could work on shutting up Bobby The Brian Heenen. I don't know why he's so obsessed with Andrew The French Giant anyways -- I mean, buddy is SUSPENDED!

Peace, out,  

Anyone out there watching this NWA (National Wrestling Alliance, not yet Tits & Ass) crap?

You know what I wish was hitting movie theaters everywhere this week? A film that depicts modern times that's directed by elementary school friend Harvey Glazer and features ITR regular "Hollywood" Stu Stone.

Going Bananas: How many times has this happened to you -- you're sitting down to watch Prime (Cryme) Time Wrestling, and can't understand a word the host is saying?

At the request of both all of my fans, I have FINALLY completed this comprehensive English-Monsoon Dictionary. Hope you enjoy it!!!

Monsoon Phrase

Closest English Translation

"The two of them couldn't get lost together."

These two people are mentally retarded.

"They're literally packed to the rafters here."

"At least we have more fans here than in that crap-ass Gagne promotion."

"External occipital pertubrance"


"Lower lumbar region"

A region where most of the world's lumber is produced.

"Where do you go to get weighed when you're that big? Down at the meat scales?"

Ha ha - look how fat he is!

"A miscarriage of justice."

Heel victory.

"Double noggin-knocker!"

"Slobberknocker, bah gawd!"

"I don't care how big and bad you are; that's going to hurt."

The fat heel will eventually win.

"I wouldn't buy a used car from him..."

Gorilla prefers not to purchase previously-owned automobiles from that individual.


Upstage me like that again, and you'll SO be out on your ass.

"Planting those size sixteens right in his kisser."

Ha ha - look how fat he is!

"The irresistible force meeting the immovable object."

Both wrestlers are fat.

"Highway robbery!"

Heel victory.

"Pandemonium is breaking loose!"

"Business is about to pick up, bah gawd!"

"He doesn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch."

He doesn't know a headlock from giving head. (OUCH!)

"The pin fall is academic."

Squash match.

"On any given night, he could win over any given opponent."




"Give me a break!"

Ha ha - look how fat he is!

"Let's go down to the event center."

Someone pour me some whiskey.

Well, that about does for this week! If you have any questions for me, drop me a line contact me on my Magnum PI™ ham radio at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.

P.S. Go see Kickin' It Old Skool and tell 'em Bulldog sent you!!!


CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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