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INSIDE THE ROPES    
At the Movies, Backlash Backlash,
Orton, and A WHOLE LOT MORE~!

May 2, 2007

by the Canadian Bulldog    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

"Hello. My name is Santino Morella. You killed my father. Prepare to die." 
     
-- Santana Morillio, 2007.
 

Welcome, everyone,
to another
EXCLUSIVE,
JAM-PACKED and
TOTALLY PIMPED 
OUT edition of 
Inside The Ropes. 
I'm commercial real estate guru
Canadian Bulldog
, and we've got a 
LOT to get to this
week! But first, we
begin with a quick poll:

What did you think of "The Condamned"?

(A)         Two zillion thumbs up.
(B)         Beer bash during the credits seemed tacked on.
(C)         The WHAT?
(D)         SHNITSKY!!!
(E)         Yes.

Be sure to register your vote at the official Inside The Ropes website (Motto: "Last updated in 2002"). And here's how you stupid marks all voted last time:

What, exactly, is RHD?

(A)         A revolutionary new something - 18 %
(B)         ROH spelled incorrectly - 12 %
(C)         That thing Rod Van-Damme always says - 43 %
(D)         SHNITSKY!!! - 6 %
(E)         Yes. - 18 %

And now, onto the news...

RDH, possibly the most revolutionary force in sports entertainment (according to me) is just ONE WEEK AWAY!!! Tune in next week, same Bulldog time, same Bulldog channel, for more details. You won't be disappointed!!! Unless you are.

HEY!: According to reliable sources, professional lummox Randy Orton! ORTON! BAH GAWD, ORTON!!! has gotten himself in trouble once again with WWE brass! During a recent tour of Vienna Sydney London Rome Paris Scotland foreign countries, the "Legendary Killer" caused $50 million damage to his hotel room! And then he crapped inside the mini bar! And Rob Simmons just happened to be walking by, so he shouted "DAMN!"! And then the security guards came in to see what was going on, he gave them all an R-K-O! So now WWE officials are considering slapping him on the wrist! Only substitute "slapping" with "raping", and instead of "on the wrist", think, "by JLB in the shower"! But then he'll probably get a long title reign! And not even with a "minor" title like the New ECW or Cruiserweight ones! And then toy manufacturers will make a "Randy Orton trashed hotel room" playset, which he'll make millions off of! And it will be the best punishment ever!

EVER!!!

Speaking of Orton... what is it with him and noted catchphrase stealer ThEdge not getting along for the past couple of weeks? When did this come about? Can't you guys just settle this like GROWN MEN instead of always resorting to BRUTAL VIOLENCE???

Over in NWA T&A (National Wrestling Alliance Tits & Ass), it seems as though... nah, never mind...

This… Is Extreeeeeeeeeme: Finally, WWE Chairman Vince MacMahon takes his rightful place alongside Tazzzzzzz, Rod Van-Damme, Jason Credible, "Franchise" Shawn Douglas and David Laroquette as titleholder in New ECW, and we here at ITR couldn't be prouder.

There are still lots of questions surrounding his win, however. Will he be a fighting champion and defend against all of the top 10 challengers (as designated by Pro Wrestling Illustrated and its family of magazines)? Will he work house shows? Is there a conflict of interests because his Ugly Daughter used to own the company during the "InVention" angle? Will he join the New New ECW faction, or the Old New ECW? And does he, like everyone else, think that See 'Em Punk is just some skinny twit?

Speaking of deserving champions, will The Great Collie become the man to finally unseat Jon Cena? BANK ON IT!!!

CHEERS and BOOS: Every week, apparently because I have nothing better to fill this space with, I take a look at which wrestling personalities deserve to be singled out for praise, and which ones, not so much. Here goes:

CHEERS to Lance Cake and Howlin' Mad Trevor Murdoch. Did you SEE the way these guys congratulated The Hardy Brotherz this past week on Eric Bischov's Monday Night Raw? VERY classy! Now I feed bad that I Webmaster Rick Scherer called you "two stupid hicks" in an earlier column.

BOOS to Miz "The Miz" Mizzington. I don't know why, exactly; I just don't like the guy, is all.

CHEERS to Charlita Caribbean Cruel for FINALLY turning on Nature Guy Ricky Flare and showing the world that tag-teaming up with "The Dirtiest Playa In The Game" is NOT cool!!!

BOOS to Hollywood Hal Kogan for going on the "Bubba The Spongebob" radio show and telling the world that there's problems between him and New ECW Champion Vince MacMahon. Keep it between yourself, boys! We don't need to hear all of your dirt!

Thanks (for the compliment!!!) to all of you who wrote in last week, offering helpful additions to my English-Monsoon Dictionary. Will there be a follow-up version? NOT BLOODY LIKELY!!!

Um... did I mention that RDH will be here next week?

Pass The Popcorn: Apparently, despite Stoned Cold Steve Austen stunning, giving the middle finger to, and drinking beer with, eight other deadly killers in the (soon to be) Oscar-nominated film "The Condamned", it up somehow in 99th place this weekend (well behind "Kickin' It Old Skool" starring ITR semi-regular Stu Stone. Just saying.)

What should WWE's Films That Go Straight To Video Division do? Maybe they should do exactly what REAL Hollywood Writer Monkeys™ do, namely - rip other people's ideas off!!!

For example, there's the story of a certain larger-than-life red-faced hero that has to battle conflict from within. With great power comes great responsibility (also, great worms) in...

And speaking of heroes and sequels... a legendary foursome returns to face the notorious Silver-Haired Promoter in the ongoing battle to restore balance to the World of Championship Wrestling. This could only mean the return of the...

And another film to watch will be when the higher power (not MacMahon!) declares that one man will build an ark to transport all of the earth's wrestlers (except for the Mexicans). It's God working with The Wrestling God in...

Next is a film featuring a plethora of those douchey Hollywood hunks you love to hate, trying to outcharm and outwit each other in the pursuit of stolen money, all while destroying hotel property in...

Last up is a film set in the not-too-distant future, where the Originalbots battle The New Breedicons for the right to... well, not for much, actually, in the soon-to-be-smash film...

 

Are there any films I left out there? TOO FUCKING BAD!!!

Well, that about does it for this week. Remember - RDH is NEXT WEEK!!! If you have any questions, compliments or faint praise, be sure to drop me a line at bulldog@onlineonslaught.com.  And remember, if you heard it here first, it's... Inside The Ropes.

E-MAIL THE BULLDOG    
BROWSE THE ITR ARCHIVES

CANADIAN BULLDOG  is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.


  
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