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DENNY'S DUNGEON
Electing a Champion
August 27, 2004

by Denny Burkholder
Courtesy of WrestleLine.com

 

The Kane/Lita wedding on Monday was pretty ridiculous, but even THAT has trouble matching some of the muckraking, lowbrow election coverage we're forced to swallow here in the United States.  
And while it's hard to figure out who'd be wearing the gleaming white tuxedo and which guy would don the black wedding dress between George W. and John Kerry, all we can do is sift relentlessly through the fluff to find the truth, and vote for who we believe is the best person.  

How does this relate 

to pro wrestling, you ask? It doesn't. 

But what if it did, you ask?

Why, then we'd all have a say in whom WWE made the champion, and we could vote Randy Orton and JBL out of their titles instead of whining about it on the internet! Democracy - it's FAN-TASTIC!

Let's have a look at the candidates and where they stand on the really important issues:

RAW

RANDY ORTON
Leadership: They don't call him "Young Randall" for nothing. Actually, "they" call him that because "they" hate him. But honestly, this guy has a few years of hard work ahead of him before he can be considered a true, stand-alone leader. Will he get there? Without a doubt. Is he there yet? Probably not... and even if he is, he's certainly nowhere near his professional peak yet.
Military Service: Did time in a military prison for going AWOL because he hated it. Never tossed out his medals in protest, but you have to WIN some before you can throw them anywhere.
Character: Another area where The Legend Killer is making huge improvements. Showed tons of character by holding up his end of a hardcore match with Cactus Jack, but tends to lack personality in promos.
Foreign Policy: Rumor has it he likes his Corona with lime. Otherwise, his experience with foreign cultures is probably limited.

TRIPLE H
Pedigree: Triple H is married into the McMahon family, so does he really need the belt at this point to remain a top-tier star? Electing The Game champion is like voting Queen Elizabeth for Prime Minister... what's it gonna prove?
Domestic Affairs: According to some reports, Vince McMahon now spends more time with his gorilla-like son-in-law than he does with his own son Shane. If that doesn't exhibit some crafty domestic skills on Triple H's part, I don't know what does.
War: While a cerebral assassination sounds like an incredibly efficient and cleanly way to defeat an army (with MIND BULLETS~!), Triple H is only an expert with two weapons: a sledgehammer and a water bottle. Neither of which is a wise choice during wartime. Not to mention the Benedict Arnold mentality The Game has. Show the slightest twinge of dissention, and Trips will roll over on you in a second.

CHRIS BENOIT
Foreign Policy: He's a god in Canada. He's revered in Japan. He's respected in Mexico. That says it all.
Health Care: Screw your dental plan. Toothlessness builds character. BE A MAN, DAMMIT!
Domestic Issues: Well, if Nancy is any indication, he's at least better than Kevin Sullivan.

CHRIS JERICHO
Family Values: Chris Jericho has spearheaded the movement to rid TV of all bottom feeding, trashbag hos, including Trish Stratus and Stephanie McMahon. His "Highlight Reel" recalls the days of the wholesome family-oriented talk shows, except for all the name calling and occasional fistfights.
Foreign Policy: He's from Winnipeg! He's from Atlanta! Hell, at one time, WCW even treated him like a Mexican luchador! Y2J can truly handle it all when it comes to foreign issues.
Defending Democracy: Just like George Herbert Walker Bush before him, Jericho is the first guy to congratulate other nations that band together to BREAK THE WALL DOOWWWWWNNNN...

RIC FLAIR
Term Limits: 16 time world champion. Definitely disqualified in this category. But just for the hell of it...
The Economy: Limousine ridin'... jet flyin'...
Freedom of Speech: You keep your mouth shut, punk! Shut up, fat boy!

KANE
Family Values: He'll chokeslam you off your freakin' roof if he thinks your wife is hot.
The Right to Bare Arms: Over the years, we've seen his ring outfit go from one fully-covered arm to both arms completely liberated.
Crisis Control: If shit gets out of hand, Kane will simply torch everything and start from scratch.

EDGE
Campaign Finance Reform: I'm sure they saved a nice little bundle of cash on licensing fees when WWE ditched Rob Zombie's "Never Gonna Stop" in favor of Edge's old theme song when he returned.
Leadership: Edge is a little suspect on this issue. He's always at his best in a tag team, but he's been limited at best as a solo artist. Even in the tag teams, he was the follower (Hogan) or the equal member (Mysterio, Jericho) as often as he was the leader (Christian). If you vote for Edge, make sure he's got a strong VP candidate on the ticket first. Just in case.
Approachability: Edge has this more than most of the other candidates, since he comes across as such a normal guy. A baby-kisser for sure.

BATISTA
Experience: See him in about five years, and maybe this one will be a positive. For now, no thanks.
Ethics: Dropped Randy Orton on his head just for having the audacity to beat Benoit for the title. Always the first guy to bum rush an innocent person just because Triple H or Ric Flair asked him to. He's a thug, plain and simple. Then again, poor ethics is actually a positive in the world of pro wrestling, so... VOTE FOR DAVE!
Health Care: Well, I'd hate to speculate... but he looks as though he might know the names of a few good doctors.

SMACKDOWN

JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD
Foreign Policy: Bradshaw has absolutely zero tolerance for oppression, hatred and bigotry in other nations. And if he sees any, he'll march right into your country and mock you for it. Take that!
Gambling: It is unknown whether Bradshaw has engaged in any illegal betting since becoming WWE Champion, although there is past documentation of JBL partaking in the occasional game of strip poker with the boys. He's also no stranger to a game of blackjack.
The Economy: If there's any pro wrestler in the world capable of managing his and other people's finances, it's Bradshaw. Just don't fire him for impersonating a Nazi, and you'll be sure to watch your portfolio grow under his keen guidance.

THE UNDERTAKER
Family Values: If you can discount the fact that his brother was once assumed burned to death at childhood, his mother was a whore, his father figure resembles a cross between Robert Goulet and a beach ball, his wife was once stalked by Diamond Dallas Page, he once crucified Stephanie McMahon and tried to force her into an evil tryst... then yeah, he's a pretty normal guy. Plus, Yokozuna killed him once. Also, he tried to kill his father figure. But he's not really dead. What were we talking about?
Religion: Not the Dead Man's strong suit. Although when his matches end, some fans have been known to drop to their knees and thank the lord.
Economics: Insert no-selling joke here.

JOHN CENA
Health Care: Cena's in impeccable shape and he's a well-known gym rat, so you know he knows a thing or two about keeping healthy. He's rarely injured in the ring. If health care's your issue, John Cena's your candidate.
Diplomacy: Cena's a cool customer. It takes a lot to get him angry. But that's only half the battle in being diplomatic, and Cena's not very good at keeping other people calm. For whatever reason, WWE wrestlers get all upset when they're asked to service "DEEZ NUTZ."
Foreign Policy: Well, I'm sure he won brownie points from Japan for making a fool out of Kenzo Suzuki...

KURT ANGLE
War Record: He's a multiple time champion, proving he can put on good matches and deliver excellent promos whenever he's called upon. He also won Olympic gold for America with a "broken freakin' neck!"
Domestic Issues: Angle puts his country first, right down to the color of his tights. He's also a family man, known for using his brother as a decoy from time to time.
Education: Whether it be famous movie quotes or classic literature, Angle is extremely well schooled and able to drop knowledge on demand. "Yippie ki yay, Mother Hubbard!"

EDDIE GUERRERO
Diplomacy: He's happy. He's pissed. He's celebratory. He's incensed. There's no middle ground with Eddie Guerrero. You're either his friend for life, or his mortal enemy.
Family Values: Comes from a long line of championship-worthy people, from his father to his brothers to his nephew. Helped elevate Chavito, then kicked his ass for stepping out of line. Eddie understands the importance of family.
Tradition: Come on... nobody sported the mullet longer or more proudly than Eddie Guerrero! I hope he saved that sucker when he cut it, because it deserves an exhibit in the hall of fame someday.

ROB VAN DAM
The War on Illiteracy: RVD is helping millions of children learn to read through the magic of comic books. He's also helping them speak more clearly through an ongoing series of vebral tutorials. Say it with me now: ROB... VAN... DAM. Good!
The War on Drugs: Dude...

THE BIG SHOW
Leadership: On one hand, he's only about halfway up the ladder in the WWE locker room in terms of leadership. On the other hand, if he got really pissed at you, you would probably do whatever he said.
Charisma: Show has remarkable charisma and stage presence when he's on talk shows or Saturday Night Live. The only time he doesn't show personality is when it counts: on WWE programming.

There are your candidates. Those are the hot-button issues of the race for the title. Vote wisely, and beware of tricky ballots... if you accidentally vote for Carmella as World Heavyweight Champion, we're not doing a recount.

 
E-MAIL DENNY
BROWSE THE CIRCA ARCHIVES


  
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