OO Column: Crashing the Boards (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

CRASHING THE BOARDS
Loving Cena Is Easy 'Cause He's Such a Clean Boy,
Emily — Why Do We Still Like Austin? — Who Gets
the IC Title? — Main Event, Shmain Event — Judgment
Day Always Blows — Americans Loving Canadians,
Dogs and Cats Living Together, Anarchy! — Greenberg
Loses Again — The Split Must End — Everyone Imitates
Me; I Invented Writing — and More!
May 16, 2003

by YOU, The OO Readers
Compiled by Jeb Lund from the OO Message Boards

[Editor's Note: The board update and killing off of a lot of spamming led to a freer and more thoughtful atmosphere this week. Despite the humdrum nature of the upcoming PPV, and despite only three weeks to hype it, board denizens still turned out many interesting ideas — many of which were far more thoughtful and evenly considered than one expects. Great job, folks. And, any reader who gets weary of all the salient points and thinks about giving up on reading this column NEEDS to skip to the bottom and read the last three posts. They're brilliant. — ed.]

Does History in Some Ways Excuse Big Show?
This is what's funny about big men today. Andre the Giant had no gimmick except for being big. He moved slower than molasses. His three moves were punch, bad kick and headbutt. Maybe a bodyslam or two, but nothing spectacular. But he was over huge. People loved him, and he went 15 years without a loss. He can be considered one of the biggest (no pun) stars pre-Hogan. As far as character, he had none: he was just big. He couldn't talk. He just went out and beat people. Handicapped matches, battle royals, it didn't matter. His size overcame. People didn't say, "Wow, his mic work sucks."

Contrast that to Big Show now. Big Show, despite whatever knocks against him, does have somewhat of a moveset. I am not going to go crazy and tell you he is like Angle or Benoit, but he does have more than Andre's three. What character do you need out of Big Show? A guy his size should just be mean and kick ass, like he is doing. He is not as big as Andre was, but he does move around the ring better. And his mic skills, while not good, are good enough to pass; he is at least understandable.

I think it is just harder to impress people these days. Perhaps the big mean giant character is boring, but you really can't expect much more out of Big Show. Put him in some handicapped matches and let him beat people up. That is as much character as he needs.
— cpdevine1

Really its not Big Show's character that needs work, but rather his storylines. There's nothing inherently wrong with the huge monster after all. That was what Brock played to get instant success. But Big Show has been handled rather inconsistently since he joined Smackdown. He started out with a good push that reestablished his will to get the title, but they pushed it too fast, so some people weren't really sold on the idea.

Then having pushed the original story too quickly, they didn't let him keep the title for any length of time, which made him look like a bit of a fluke champion. They topped that off by having Lesnar beat him in a very short match and strongly hinting that the only reason Lesnar lost earlier was because of Heyman's interference.

So now, when they try and build the guy up for another run at the title... we just expect Lesnar to win. They failed to give us a reason why Big Show might suddenly be able to win this time. Now if he'd beaten another big guy like Undertaker, or A-Train then you could see it. But beating Rey Mysterio? Well I'd expect a guy Big Show's size to be able to do that. It all comes down to bad booking.
— eoghann

I'm Sorry, Kurt Angle, but You Are Not "The One"
Wait, did someone say that Kurt is the "only guy" who can come back from injury and still be a heel? Where's the love for X-Pac? He could get run over by a truck, recover, and hobble his ass to the ring; and right when he opened his mouth to talk, the "X-Pac Sucks" chant would start all over again....
— TheTruthShallSetYouFree

How Can Austin STILL Be Popular? Does He Have a Logical Role? Or: Point-Counterpoint Again, Starring Eoghann as the Tall Thin Guy and Markout as the Fat One... with Madiq Thrown in as "Roper"
I'd argue that the core of SCSA's popularity at this point lies in nostalgia. At his peak, he represented the perfect "anti-hero." People were tired of watching predictable "turn the other cheek" behavior from the faces and the "do anything" attitude from the heels. Austin would stoop to any level to beat a guy, but not to a point as to be despicable. After that initially got him over, he was the recipient of great booking for nearly two straight years. Right now, he's being cheered more for what he did in his heyday than what he does now. Giving Coachman a Stunner? What was up with that?
— markout

Well I was too busy cheering the fact he stunned Coach to pay close attention to the crowd. Sure as hell worked for everyone in the chat room at the time.

And no I think he can still be a foil without being a pure face. I mean Austin has never been a pure face really. How often does he go and help other people unless it somehow relates to one of his own feuds? His character always has been selfish. I think that's a good thing because it gives us a change from the usual "good" GM/"bad" GM routine.

This time we have Bischoff who is outright sleazy and Austin who is a more decent individual but still the rattlesnake. You can't 100% rely on him as your ally. That allows them to do new things with the co-GM situation, instead of just rehashing what happened the last dozen times.
— eoghann

I think what Austin needs now is a wrestler as a foil, one who can play off of him in the game of cat and mouse, kind of like Commish Foley used to do with Edge & Christian. My choice is Chris Harvard.

Picture Chris attempting to kiss ass to get into Austin's good graces, but getting stunned for his trouble, then put into punishment matches against Kane or Nash, Table Matches against the Dudleyz, and Hardcore Matches against RVD or Tommy Dreamer. Chris could maintain enough of a smarmy demeanor to remain unsympathetic, and escape punishment enough to have fans yearn for his comeuppance. Eventually, he could get the IC Title, then use nefarious means to keep it, all the while causing Austin, under the guise of "sticking it to Nowinski," to become an advocate for fair play, which ironically goes against Austin's character. This, in fact, would be Nowinski's true victory.
— madiq

Must We Chant? (This turns into Canadian-American détente, Fat Boy!)
Dear Canadians,
Being a Michigander, we are pretty much neighbors. Which is why I am getting sick and tired of hearing the "You Screwed Bret" chants whenever Vince McMahon or Earl Hebner enter a Canadian Arena. It's time to get over it and move on!

Since [the screwjob] did happen way back in 1997, I think an adequate amount of time has passed to mourn the loss of the "Excellence of Execution" Also, I know this may come as a shock to a lot of you but Vince was right in what he did.

And the best part about these Canadian Fans chanting "You Screwed Brett" to Vince is that they paid to get in the arena. Way to stick it to the man by putting cash in his pockets. Apparently there is some stupid logic going on with some Canadians.

So, in closing to those Canuck fans who still mourn the apparent "screw job" done to their hero in Pink and Black, why don't you stick to your guns you hypocritical idiots and just don't go to the events....
— TheTruthShallSetYouFree

Now I'm no Canadian, but I'd wager in this day and age, the YOU SCREWED BRET chants are less of a, "Damn you Vince McMahon. I'm very angry at you for screwing over my favorite wrestler Bret Hart," and more of a, "Chants are part of the wrestling experience, and it's fun to chant 'You Screwed Bret' at Vince McMahon." Just a guess.
— Operation Retard

As far as the chanting goes, Retard's got it right. Although I'm sure some fanatical people out there do still chant "You screwed Bret!" because they are still angry at Vince, most rational Canadian wrestling fans do it because it's a fun tradition. Just call it one big huge national in-joke.

Does it seem old to Americans? So what? It's funny. Seeing Vince's reaction kills me every time, especially now that he's responding to the taunts verbally. Deep down I think Vince finds it funny too. I'm also sure that he likes knowing that so many Canadians have been watching wrestling for more than 3 years. It's also hilarious seeing Earl Hebner get razzed to shit every time he walks out. The guy gets so frazzled it's funny.

Do we Canadians get angry at you guys for chanting "USA! USA!" every time Hogan or Duggan start waving around Old Glory? C'mon, I mean that shit started in the eighties! But you know what, it's good, wholesome, corny fun. So go ahead, just don't rain on our parade.
— Milky

I think Mr. Truth is somehow assuming that the "message" of a chant has some kind of deep importance. It's a friggin' chant at a glorified circus/stunt show. It's fun to chant things. Especially if they are funny or if they're traditional or if they, yes, have some "meaning." When people chant "You Suck" during Kurt Angle's entrance, I'm pretty sure most of them don't think, they know, that Kurt angle doesn't suck. They know he's entertaining, and that part of his ability to entertain is playing along with the heat he gets from the crowd. The point of going to a wrestling show is to have fun. I hate the goddamn "what!?!" chants like you wouldn't believe, but as long as the people in the arenas are having fun with them, as long as they're paying money to go to a show, they have every right to chant whatever they want.
— angstboy

Dear Canadians: Please, please continue chanting "You Screwed Bret". I love hearing that. But even better then hearing that, is Vince's responses, like last Smackdown: "And I'd screw every one of of you if I had the chance!"

Talk about a genetic jackhammer!
— salmonjunkie

Hopefully this Filler Will Take Up Time That Could Be Needlessly Used to Showcase a Popular Wrestler's Talents. I Hate to Say It, but "Wrestling Logic" Is 148-0 Against You, Greenberg.
Scott Keith brought this up in his rant, and it's something that I've noticed as well. This weekend there's a PPV (I know, I'm shocked, too). On this PPV there is a bikini match and a four-way women's match. With all due respect to those performers, and as much as as like Jazz and Trish, these two "matches" are being thrown out there to use up PPV time. This seems extremely strange to me when you think that as of [mid-week], Benoit, Rhyno and (apparent ratings draw) Goldberg are all without matches.

It seems to me that this is going to be a huge throwaway show anyway, but why not pad it a bit with what might be some entertaining matches? See, I don't get this. I might not like Goldberg very much, but it seems that the WWE has been trying to get him over as a major threat (although barely getting past Christian is kinda backwards), yet he won't appear in [only his second WWE] PPV.

Also, a few months ago Rhyno and Benoit were ripping through the Smackdown! talent, and now Benoit can't even get a win in Canada, and he can't get a match on the PPV. This just feels so bass-ackwards. And Keith does bring up a valid point. With both "brands" using what they feel is their potential on one card, and it being this shitty, what does it say about the split brand PPVs?
— MrJustinB

Now I agree that the WWE is dropping the ball as far as putting the bikini match along with a women's fatal four-way on the PPV instead of some of the underused talent. But let's say the WWE put Benoit on the PPV with a feud that started this week? Then there would be a ton of posts whining about a "throwaway" and "rushed" feud.

The way I see it is this PPV came way to close to Backlash; thus people without existing storylines got hurt because they only had four weeks to build things up. I mean look at the PPV.

HHH/Nash — Set up at Backlash
Lesnar/Show — Set up at Backlash
Team Angle/Los Guerreros — Set up at Backlash
Steiner/Test/The Frenchies — Set up for a while (with Steiner being pro-U.S.)
Women's Fatal 4-way — Set up at Backlash
Women's Bikini — Set up for a couple of months

The only thing on this PPV that's been set up on it's own during the past four weeks (at this point) is the IC Title Battle Royal.

I think this kind of stuff won't happen as much when the brands have their own PPV's, forcing the WWE to have some drawn-out storylines, since there will be 2 months at times between specific-brand PPV's. The question you have to ask is would you rather have the women's matches or a crappy half-assed feud with your favorite wrestlers? But keep the damn women's matches to a minimum, WWE....
— Reeks Of Awesomeness

A Personal, Lucky Dream Match
Hogan v. Warrior @ WrestleMania — Skydome.

My family was moving. Everything was packed and moved, save for my television. I remember being upstairs and getting ready to disconnect my television, when I just connected the cable directly into it, just to see what would happen (I was like 14 at the time). And to my utter delight, WrestleMania was on. Yes, I shit you not. There was a direct feed from the cable of the PPV. I didn't get any other channels, just that feed showing WrestleMania. Well, I remember sitting in my bedroom freezing in the dark watching the entire PPV, with the culmination being HOGAN - WARRIOR. The match was not a workrate classic, but the crowd was phenomenal, and the unique face v. face and champion v. champion angles added to the fact that both guys were built to be nearly invincible made it a match I will always consider five stars, if only in my heart.
— Icon

The Proper Home and Purpose for the IC Title; with a Strong Look atW hether the Wrestler Impacts the belt, or the Belt Impacts the Wrestler
I would ask, "Who would benefit the IC Title the most by winning the belt?" The reason they eliminated the IC Title in the first place was because it had become meaningless, so the challenge now is to reinvest it with some glory and importance. If you follow that logic, then I say the IC Title would have to go to Booker or Jericho, since guys like RVD and Kane are busy in the tag scene.

The fact is that, as talented as the Hurricane or Christian are, giving them the belt now will do nothing to add to its prestige. They aren't even at the top of the midcard right now. Give it to an established star who is currently spinning his wheels but who knows how to put over a title (i.e. Jericho or Booker). Then when the time comes for the belt to change hands, a solid win over Jericho would elevate both the title and the Hurricane, for instance, all at the same time. The same works with Christian v. Booker.

The thing is, Rico could benefit from an IC Title run too, but having him win will do nothing for the belt. You need to give it to somebody that is already very over.
— Milky

I come from a slightly different camp, one that says that the Intercontinental title should be used to elevate midcarders to the upper midcard. In addition, it should be a "workrate" title, rather than a "booking" title, like the World title. Therefore a strong worker, like a Lance Storm, is my ideal champ, someone credible enough to believably beat guys clean, but unproven enough to have uppercard faces seem like favorites to knock him off his high horse, particularly if he wields his belt like a badge of superiority over non-champs. The more he wins, the stronger he becomes (assuming he gets enough promo time to stoke his feuds), and the more over the belt becomes.

Guys like Booker T or Jericho would seem like Consolation Prize holders, and even after a strong reign they would still be where they are now. In the meanwhile, the midcard is still stagnant. Better to plug these guys into a couple of hot feuds then to put a belt on either, and hope that the feud creates itself.

So the direction that I'd go is Lance Storm as champ, feuding initially with runner-up Billy Gunn or Sean Morely, then I'd have him stir the pot between Kane and RVD, as they both seek the IC belt. Then, as they transition into a feud with each other, Lance could either trade belts with a guy like The Hurricane, or step it up to a feud with Shawn Michaels or Booker T. From there, the possibilities are plentiful.
— madiq

The belt should return to its original status. The IC champion should be the #1 contender to the heavyweight champion. Plain and simple. It shouldn't be used for putting someone over who just isn't over. I like the theory for getting Christian or Hurricane over, but I'm not trying to sound harsh here. The belt will look like a jobber belt if it doesn't go around someone like Jericho or Booker T.

The title used to main-event PPV shows like SummerSlam 1992. Bret Hart against British Bulldog, classic matches like Steamboat against Savage. Even Austin s. Owen at SummerSlam 1997 was classic. I think the belt had lost its luster after Rock jobbed it to Triple H at SummerSlam 1998. The Rock immediately became a bona fide main eventer off that run and became world champion 3 months later. From there it became a jobber belt. Who really got over being IC champion after Rock? Triple H won the title and lost it quick due to his injury. That is the problem that needs to be fixed with this strap. Benoit, Jericho, Angle, RVD and the rest helped somewhat, but it was too late. It was seen as the jobber belt. Not even as a true contender for the heavyweight champion. A big fall from the title v. title situation at WrestleMania 6.
— promoter2003

I really do believe that we are talking about two sides of the same coin here. That seems to be the point that the IWC has been running around since the IC belt started to lose its luster. The talent, performance and meaning of the belt all need to be there.

And I think the key to avoiding the "consolation prize" view of the IC belt for a Jericho or Booker is simply in the performance. Like I've said, this BR needs to be built as a big deal. The wrestlers need to show in the upcoming weeks that they really want that belt. And they need to come through in the match itself. If that is done that it will be a real prize instead of just a "consolation."

And lets remember that the IC title has no real place on the card at this moment. Its been gone for quite some time. By default, the belt will probably find its place on the card by adopting the place of its holder. You hand that belt to Booker or Jericho and it is an upper-midcard belt. You give it to Hurricane or Storm and its lower.

So I'm gonna have to jump on Milky's train of thought. Raw has plenty of wrestlers who I think could be top IC champs in a month or two, but you need to start the belt off on a high note. If you hand Storm or Hurricane that title now, it becomes equal to their role. Instead, give it to an upper midcarder, establish it in that place on the card and then build a compelling Hurricane/Jericho or Booker/Storm feud where the win is believable. That's how you can elevate midcarders and keep the shine on the belt.
— LuckyLopez

A Somewhat Parallel Examination of Quality and Character Perception of Titles (in Relation to the Argument Above). And Despite This Long-Winded Intellectual Name, It's a Really Interesting Take and Worth Your Time, Beavis.
In response to an earlier stream of argument, the tag team title on Smackdown was established not by main eventers, but by Strong Workers, wrestlers at midcard level and below (with the exception of Kurt Angle), who could be depended upon to deliver quality performances night in and night out. Further, the fact that the title in question was the tag team title was illustrative. Through the lens of the tag team division, the company could tell multiple stories, using singles matches, gimmick matches, and multi-way matches to develop the manner in which those stories translated into competition. Such is the tag team title.

Singles titles cannot be booked in exactly the same fashion, as the variables of intra-group cohesion and tension are not present. Thus, in distinguishing between two singles titles, one must be wary of lazy booking, which says that one singles belt is different from another because "midcarders are fighting for it, versus the other belt that main eventers fight for." What that does is reinforce, not weaken, the glass ceiling in the minds of smarks and casual fans.

A better approach is a contrast in styles. Say what you want about Hardcore Titles, but they brought to the table, booking-wise, their own sense of purpose and prestige. When RVD and Undertaker held the title, it wasn't about Midcard v. Main Event: it was about fans seeing its competitors wrestle a different type of match. This is the foundation of good booking regarding so-called secondary belts.

Another good example is NWA-TNA's X-Division. Not merely the domain of "guys too small to credibly main event," the X-Division was built upon consistently offering show-stealing, fast-paced athletic exhibitions. This should be the template for any Alternative Title in the WWE, not the Consolation Model.
— madiq

I'm not sure I agree. You say that it was the fact that Kurt, Benoit, Edge and Eddy were good workers that made the Smackdown tag scene so successful. Yeah, that helped, but not as much as you seem to suggest.

I say these men were already popular because they were good workers and it was that popularity that made the tag scene so interesting. For example, look at the Raw tag scene. Yes, the division is a shambles, true. However, I would say that the Tag Titles mean more now that they're being held by Kane and RVD than they ever really did when Regal and Storm had them. Regal and Storm were arguably the better workers, but Kane and RVD make the belts seem more important.

You also say that the nature of tag team wrestling lends itself to better drama and better booking. Once again, I disagree. You can have just as many gimmick matches for a singles title as you can for tag titles. And group tension and bizarre dynamics are a hallmark of singles matches too. Look no further than Nash v. HHH. Yes it's a one-on-one competition. However you have other wrestlers in the periphery adding the possibility of interference (Jericho, Flair, Michaels). You can also have one of these peripheral allies turn on his friend, thus adding even more drama, as many feel Michaels will Sunday. Not that the story surrounding the Raw title is being told nearly as well as the stories surrounding the Smackdown tag titles, however I think that may be due to a number of factors including writing, announcing, motivation and talent.
— Milky

"Why You Be Drinkin' That Hogan Haterade, Playa?" Teddy Long Hollas at You In This Week's Nostalgic Installment of "Teddy Long Remembers"
Both Raw and Smackdown were in town this week, and originally I had planned on not attending either show. I wanted to save my money. However, after I saw the debut of Mr. America, which is the best angle this side of the invention of sliced bread, I decided to put down $20 bucks on Smackdown tickets, so I could see Mr. America and/or Hulk Hogan come to Halifax. And while it was a bit disappointing that I only go to see Hogan live on satellite from his home in Tampa Bay, Florida, I did get to see Mr. America live in person, which more than made up for the absence of Hulk Hogan. I probably will never ever get the chance to see either guy perform (in a match or not) live ever again, so I went. And, although I didn't see Hogan live, I can tell people generations from now that I was there when Mr. America was in Halifax, for his second appearance in the WWE ever. That is just as good as being able to say I saw Hogan live.
— Slade

When Gods — Even Flair — Become Men
Sometimes you just gotta realize WCW is dead. Flair will never be what he was, in WCW, in the WWF because it's just not his promotion. It's not his "home town." The Fed is Hogan's home town.

Wrestling purists may not be happy about it, but WWF fans simply don't feel the same way about Flair as they do about Hogan. It's been a year and a half, and people still aren't over the novelty of seeing Hogan back in a Federation ring.

Yes, Flair is a legend. But he's a legend of an extinct society. He's the Zeus of the ancient Greeks. Zeus was The Man. But the ancient Greeks are gone, and with them Zeus's greatness and importance is gone too. Just like Flair's importance faded with the death of WCW.
— Operation Retard

Flair is a legend on par with Hogan, and definitely above Shawn Michaels. Still, the way that Flair entered the Federation, and the way he has progressed has been such that Ric Flair, while being a wrestling legend, did not bring the same aura that Hogan or HBK did. But much of that had to do with the other two icons' status as "homegrown" (as homegrown as AWA defectors can be) superstars.

Still, we should remember that for a time, Ric Flair was treated with a certain degree of reverence (remember UT-Flair from WrestleMania?), but since the brand extension, Flair has been on the decline. He has jobbed to many, been relegated to a supplemental role as HHH's manager, and has been largely directionless.

At this point in time, it is fair to say that Flair's time as an in-ring superstar has passed; he is now simply a "Name." That is not to say that he can't occasionally wrestle in order to "show the young 'uns that he old man can still go." But other than as a bonus, á la Jerry Lawler, he should concentrate on giving the rub to midcarders by using his promo abilities and "mystique."

Hogan, however, still has power in his jobs, although I would prefer that he didn't wrestle. That said, he too could lend his mystique to an up-and-comer as a way of ensuring that "Hulkamania lives forever." But I don't think he belongs in the main events, because I don't think fans really want to see Hogan carrying the torch; they'd lose respect for the entire company if he did.
— madiq

A Reasoned Economic Explanation for Ending the Brand Split
The brand extension has been a blessing to the WWE. It has allowed the development of new stars and given everybody on an overcrowded roster (after the folding of WCW) a fair shake and a better sense of purpose.

However, you have to recognize that the split will and must end at some time. When? Probably next spring in time for WrestleMania XX. It makes sense to have it be a super-card of interbrand unification bouts and "dream matches."

True, ratings aren't a good indicator of the quality of WWE television. They are however a good indicator of its popularity and a major factor in the earnings made by Vince and co. Ratings after all decide how much money Vince makes off advertising rights, which is how he makes a lot of his money (at least from TNN).

So to maximize ratings you should, in theory, make every program must-see television by loading it up with your strongest and most marketable talent. The problem is that Vince had too much of that talent until recently. Hence we have the split. Besides, wrestling's popularity is down, so why not rebuild now in anticipation of the next surge?

However, eventually this overabundance of uppercard talent is going to thin out. We're starting to see a void at the top of the card right now. That why Big Show is main-eventing this month. This thinning-out process is just going to get worse in coming months.

Conveniently, this should all culminate at WrestleMania XX. There should be a lot of talents that are going to retire or move on at that point or soon after. Steve Austin is priming for his final match that night, from my understanding. Shawn Michaels, Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair will hopefully make this 'Mania their last too. Every year I say Undertaker is due to hang up the boots, but this year I feel more confident than ever that this is the case. I honestly don't see guys like Nash and Steiner lasting more than a year either. Then we have guys like Kurt Angle and Booker T who have basically said they have between a year or two left in the tank before they retire too.

So with the exodus of this top-tier talent coming around 'Mania or soon after, regardless of whether or not you like the split, it will end. But I agree, in the meantime we should hold the course. It's done it job well. Besides, I don't want to see this angle end with the same soft whimper that the Invasion did.
— Milky

I don't think it will be storylines or even ratings that kills the brand separation. I think its all down to how the one-brand PPV's do. I mean Vince isn't stupid: he knew his ratings were going to take a hit with the separation, and they did somewhat (though there are other factors involved there).

He has I think at least 2 maybe 3 years to run on his Viacom (UPN, TNN) contract, which gives him time to build ratings up again before having to worry too much about the income from his shows. That all said, if the PPV's bomb, he can't really support two brands for very long without that PPV income.

If the PPV's work, then there's no logical reason to end the separation. Competition pretty much always breeds more interest and greater effort, not just in wrestling but in most things. If the PPV's work, the logical next step would be to set Raw and Smackdown up as separate business divisions. Companies like Sony do this all the time and compete against themselves.

But again, only if the PPV's can make money. I imagine they can swallow a small loss in buyrates for a while. But if it suddenly halves and stays there right through till SummerSlam... ouch.
— eoghann

This Week's Complete Nutball Post by Someone Who Ostensibly (I guess) Isn't Normally A Nutball
I know WWE didn't do any shows in Toronto recently, but they were north of the border. I also realize this is a Mike Powell-esque leap, and I'm definitely not implying any knowledge or expertise on the matter, but what are the odds that Booker T has contracted SARS?
— Phansett

"Why are people not feelin' Cena?" I Am Popular with These Kids Today
In the Smarkdown rant, Scott Keith suggests that the WWE not put Cena out there in matches because it exposes his weaknesses as a wrestler. Am I missing the boat here?

To me, Cena is so insanely entertaining, not just because he has cool raps (even though this week's seemed a bit off), but because he busts ass in the ring. Exposed? How so? Because he doesn't do 15 different highspots or 34 different suplexes? To me, Cena is the definition of what a wrestler should do out there. He doesn't have a set offense that's writen in stone and, as a result, his matches are much more interesting. In every Cena match (as Cole & Tazz point out), he finds a weakness and exploits it through seriously interesting tactics. You can't tell me that the whole segment with him slamming Benoit's arm into the turnbuckle was not cool as hell. I'd wager a shiny new penny that if Benoit did it it would be praised.

Seriously, is it just because he has such an adaptable offense that this sort of sentiment is out there? Anyone else remember when all wrestlers actually changed their style with the match? Look at someone like Arn Anderson: he had a few trademark moves, but he did things differently all the time depending on his opponent. That is what wrestling is all about, and that is what Cena brings to the table. I'm happy to see his matches week in and week out because they are so varied.

It's rare we actually see someone vary what they're doing out there and actually use some sound psychology in their matches. Cena does both. So the arm didn't factor into the end of the match: it was a run-in schmozz ending, of course it didn't factor in! But that does not mean that Cena (the character) would not work on the arm.
— Antelope

I'll be the voice of dissent here. I ain't into Cena yet. His character garners Bossman heat from me. In the ring he is above average, but there are a lot of guys who are above average. His size is average. His mic skills are above average, now that he has the rapper gimmick, but remember how gay he used to sound when he didn't have the hip hop vibe? I mean, seriously, this guy used to have the nickname "homotype" just about a year ago. And I'll say this again, there was once a time when the IWC was sucking on Rikishi's dick as well. And now he's persona non grata on the WWW.
— Eli

Antelope, your problem is that you were reading Scott Keith. Cena is a quality performer, and he is only going to get better. And he's going to get better by wrestling week in and week out on TV. Keith needs to reexamine why he watches wrestling and reformulate his opinion accordingly.

Eli, everybody was once very high in Rikishi, until he started using the "Stinkface" on a regular basis. Then we, the oh-so-holy IWC, decided that such a base maneuver was beneath us, and turned on him accordingly. Actually, it had more to do with the botched heel turn when he supposedly ran over Steve Austin so that the Rock, an "Island Boy," could get his shot. That was simply hideous. So shitty booking and sticking his ass in other people's faces has killed his credibility. As long as Cena avoids moves like the "Schlongface", I think he can avoid comparison to Rikishi.
— markout

A Vicious Reaction to the Critical and Often Snide Nature of Crashing the Boards — and Also a Way of Mentioning bigfatgoalie in the Column Yet Again, Since It Makes Him So Happy
I think it is unfair that you alone get to be critical of bigfatgoalie in Crashing the Boards. Mean-spirited and hypercritical posts, directed at bfg, by Bonestein and I are unjustly shutout of Crashing the Boards. To make Crashing the Boards truly democratic, you should either include some of our better critiques of him, or discontinue criticizing him in the column.
— Slade

[Editorial reply: yes.]

Why a Great Main Event with Nothing Else Does Not a Show Make
The biggest issue with putting all the entertainment eggs in the main-event basket is that the entire perception of the show can be cracked from one poor showing. A mediocre main event will realize a greater benefit from a good previous 90 minutes than a crappy show could get from a slightly above-average main event.

Ideally, the show should build on itself. Which, I think was a huge portion of the Attitude era's success. Most segments felt "can't miss." What the then-WWF was doing with their midcard seemed far more important than what Turner's WCW was doing with theirs.

Opinions on high-spotting aside, if the audience is already thrilled by a Hardy falling off something, RVD tumbling around, and The Dudley's tabling the deserving, then that audience is primed to cheer, applaud and otherwise react favorably to the goings on of the main event.

A bored audience is much harder to rouse into appreciating a main event. A bored audience is much harder to entice into coming back a second time. A bored audience is unlikely to stick around for the main event.
— Lorraine

Does Judgment Day Sort of Institutionally Suck? A Quick Look:
In Your House #1 (1995): It was only a 90-minute PPV and while it did contain the best Sid v. Diesel match that I've ever seen (and a hot Bret Hart v. Hakushi contest and the long-lasting feud against Jerry Lawler), the rest of the card was very bland. One of the better WWF May PPVs, but more in retrospect than for what it was at the time.

In Your House: Beware of Dog (1996): The home of the famous "lights out" PPV, and emergency rebroadcast on Tuesday that was supposed to be "free" to all Sunday's buyers, but many got shafted in that deal. But I'd blame the cable companies going for the quick buck and not WWF themselves. The only saving grace was the forerunner to the birth of "Stone Cold" and maybe the World Title match.

In Your House: A Cold Day In Hell (1997): At the time this show was a dog (save the Main Event), but it is a cute show in retrospect. Mankind v. pre-Rock, Rocky Maivia? Tweener/Face Steve Austin v. a face Undertaker with the Hart Foundation angle in full force? Not a bad show.

In Your House: Over The Edge (1998): Forget the undercard! This match was really based on its main event of Dude Love, corporate kiss-a$$ against Steve Austin. During the height of Austin-mania, this show did not suck!

Over The Edge (1999): Owen Hart falls to his death. The wrestlers weren't too crazy about being out there, either, after that news, and the show just goes downhill. I watched this show on delay that night, learning of Owen's death while still at work, and couldn't enjoy the first 35 minutes of the show before the accident.

Judgment Day 2000: Bland show that has a very bad (they have done better) Jericho v. Benoit match, and the Iron Man match between Triple H and Rock that was Hulk Hogan formula all the way, along with a botched ending. One of the matches that made me scratch my head about Rock's win from the previous month. Say what you will, but I just found it fishy.

Judgment Day 2001: The undercard might have been okay, but that whole Undertaker v. Austin match sucked, and the ending was botched too. It makes the botched ending from 2000 look great!

Judgment Day 2002: Actually a solid card, with the exception of Jericho/Triple H "Hell In A Cell." Edge v. Angle was "Match of the PPV," and Hogan v. Taker was actually pretty good — when you consider that it was a match between Hogan and Undertaker.

Judgment Day 2003: No Way Out, WrestleMania and Backlash seemed to be well-built cards. This card just seemed to be thrown together very quickly, more so than usual. Maybe it was because there was only three weeks to build it up, or its because of the first "Brand" PPV next month.
— Norm

"What is the Definition of Manhood?" — This Is by Far the Funniest Message Board Post I've Seen in Months, Perhaps Ever
I have to agree with Jeb (and his buddy) that Harrison Ford is what manhood is supposed to be for our generation. Resolve and strength covering quiet desperation. My old man introduced me to Steve McQueen movies at a young age. For his generation, Steve McQueen was the man.

When I first saw this thread, I thought it was more along the lines of actions taken versus personalities. Staying up all hours of the night with the twins, watching lots of movies on both cable and the trusty DVD player, I have come to realize that according to Hollywood, I am not a man.

Case in point, I have never:

1. Bumped my head and gotten amnesia.

2. Been chased through the forest (or mean streets, enemy camp, etc.), tripped, twisting my ankle and compromising my escape, but still said, "Don't stop! Go on without me!"

3. Been stuck in an elevator.

4. Been stuck in an elevator with a pregnant woman.

5. Been stuck in an elevator with a woman I hated, and by the end of the ordeal [found ourselves] making hot monkey love.

6. Found myself on top of a moving train.

7. Rushed to the airport to stop the woman I just realized I love from leaving, and as I got to the gate, seen her plane (train, car, rickshaw, etc.) pulling away, and then felt empty because I think that my best chance at love is now gone; but, as I turnd away, she was standing there because she decided at the last minute not to get on the plane (train, car, rickshaw, etc.) because she realized at the last minute that she loves me too, and was hoping I would come and get her.

8. Picked a lock with a credit card.

9. Said, "Don't do it, man. Just give me the gun."

10. Collapsed onto my car horn.

11. Seen a bunch of homeless guys standing around a flaming trash can, singing doo-wop and wearing gloves with the fingers cut off.

12. Closed my medicine cabinet door and seen someone in the mirror who wasn't there three seconds ago.

13. Secretly bought my bitter rival's company, with the help of his ex-wife, and then swaggered into the board meeting saying, "No, YOU'RE fired!"

14. Been knocked out by the butt of a gun to the back of my neck.

15. Thrown my bitter rival into a crowd of his own henchmen, knocking them all down.

16. Been locked in a bank vault (meat cooler, diabolical trap, etc.) with an ever-decreasing supply of oxygen with a woman I hated, and by the end of the ordeal [found ourselves] making hot monkey love.

17. Been talked through a lifesaving operation by a doctor over the phone. (Also goes for delivering a baby, landing a flaming airplane, or defusing a bomb)

18. Been invited to the boss's house for dinner only to find that the women I picked up last week and made hot monkey love to were his daughter/wife/mother etc.

19. Paid $20 to the shoeshine guy for information.

20. Poisoned someone's drink, only to find myself in the awkward position of having to drink it myself.

21. Never heard a surly bartender answer my prying question with, "Who wants to know?"

22. Been told to be at a designated pay phone at a designated time to receive further instructions.

23. Said, "It's a little too quiet."

24. Had two dates for the prom/wedding/big business dinner with ensuing hilarity.

25. Been tied to a chair and every time my captors were distracted, worked to untie my hands and then whispered to the damsel in distress who was tied to another chair behind me, "Keep distracting them. I'm able to untie my hands," and then, when the ropes were finally loose, untied my hands and grabbed the nearest henchmen, throwing him into the other henchmen and bowling them over, and then been chased through the forest (mean streets, enemy camp, etc.), tripped and twisted my ankle, compromising my escape, but said to the girl, "Don't stop! Go on without me!" but then had her help me to my feet and we escaped, and by the end of our ordeal we were making hot monkey love.

26. Been in a close struggle with my bitter rival and had the gun we were wrestling over go off, but neither one of us had any idea who'd been shot until we stepped away, and he took one step forward, looked at me with a quizzical expression, and then fell over dead.

27. Seen a plain librarian/nurse/secretary transform herself into a lusty sexpot just begging to be sated by taking off her glasses and shaking out her hair.

28. Started driving my car, and had a guy suddenly pop up from the backseat and put a gun to my head.

29. Had a woman tell me, "Make yourself comfortable while I slip into something more comfortable."

30. Incorrectly assumed that when a woman told me to make myself more comfortable, that she meant that she wanted to make hot monkey love to me, so I took off all my clothes and she walked out wearing a t-shirt and sweats and a very surprised expression.

Man, I need some quality sleep...
— SpinningToeHold

The list is missing a few things:
• Ninja fight;
• Witty catchphrase whilst fighting ninjas;
• Intense training session to beat ninjas;
• Father/close relative/friend killed by ninjas, and must exact revenge on the warlord/drug dealer/crooked cop who sent the ninjas;

• Some sort of car chase in San Francisco.
— Krydor

Nah, Krydor, already did the Ninja fight. I spent ten years as a Coast Guard boarding officer working the heroin lines into Seattle and the coke lines in the eastern Caribbean.

To graduate from the training school you had to fight off the instructors — all five of them, simultaneously — with your tear ducts swabbed with pepper spray, and last for seven minutes. So the ninja thing? Been there.

That's why gratuitous gunplay was left off as well.

Never came up with a witty catchphrase though.
_—SpinningToeHold

This Week's Stats:
My New Heroes: Lorraine, SpinningToeHold, Moderators.
Most Encouraging News: The board update works. No flood of evil posts or spoilers; new registered users aren't spammers or jerks. They actually post things.
Most Discouraging News: Bonestein isn't around to "haze" new people, thus somewhat diminishing the board humor quotient.
Another Thing I'm Really Happy About: Lots of good thoughtful threads get started or moved to the Crashing the Boards forum. Doing this column is now about as close to one-stop post shopping as I can get. Much easier, thank Christ.
Slightly Discouraging News: The newbie or lurker-who-started-posting quotient is so high, and everyone is being so trepidatious or polite, that good old-fashioned ripping of other people to shreds just isn't happening. Go start some shit in the Graveyard, people!
Most Surprising News: I got nothing else to complain about.

E-MAIL THE EDITOR
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