OO Column: Crashing the Boards (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

CRASHING THE BOARDS
It's a Fucking Madhouse! — 329 Uses of the Word
"Fuck" — Storm, Venis, J.R., King, McMahon, Flair,
Austin, Trish... All Get Fucked — Rocky Impervious to
Fucking — A Fucking Short Story? — Triple H Fucked
Only Obliquely — Jericho: Is He Fucked? Find out
Now! — "What the Fuck?" Over 20 Commentators Weigh
in on That Issue — The Fucking Service Industry — 10
Fucking Fashion Tips for the Fucking Spring Are NOT in
This Issue — Can You Fucking Believe It?
June 20, 2003

Compiled by Jeb Lund
Featuring the Contributors to the OnlineOnslaught.com Forums

[Crashing the Boards returns to fuck you up more than you're fucking capable of imagining. And, no, this is not me just being mad for some indeterminate reason. It all began when veteran OO poster "Eli" started a thread entitled, "The Fuck List." And though it often involved just plain abuse, it illustrated something fairly basic and honest about message board posts and highfalutin rasslin' columns: that any comment or evaluation, about wrestling, life or otherwise, in its basic parts, comes down to something you fucking like or fucking dislike. This is no great sociological insight or exercise. Nonetheless, behind all our couched comments of "he has an excellent workrate, diverse moves and good mic work" is one essential message: I fucking like the guy. Our assessments are equally basic when they are negative.

If there is one certain thing that you could take away from the following comments, it is this: somewhere someone just as articulate and engaging as you has a loathing for someone or something equally as intense as your praise for the same. Simply put: though we think all the internet smarks love the same things, that assumption is really quite violently untrue.

Below, then, are brutal, beautiful and base comments — praise and scorn unvarnished. And, because of that, it's peculiarly totally presentable. There are rapid-fire complaints, longer analytical and angry passages, stern-jawed demands for respect, savage lampooning, Manilow, a short story, and the most undiluted litany of bile and righteousness that I've ever seen delivered in short sentences. And, yes, the word "Fuck" is indeed used 329 times, to say nothing of all other conjugations (no pun intended) and forms of "Fuck" also used. Take that, Trey Parker and Matt Stone! Enjoy — ed.]

A Quick Warm-Up of Unrestrained Abuse
Fuck KANYON. Kanyon proves that even the most insignificant superstars can garner something of an online following.
— Eli

Fuck FLAIR. Get your bitch tits off of my TV screen. You're not entertaining now just because you were once so fucking great.
— markout

Forget about Foley, man! The guy did nothing but fall off of things and lose teeth/ears. One-word summation... overrated.
— DevoniusMaximus

FUCK LA PARKA! You had a cool costume, but you sucked!
— salmonjunkie

Fuck MALENKO. I've only seen a few of his matches (the supposedly good ones), but he didn't impress me. You may have 1,000 holds, but you can't make me care.
— Alana

Fuck A-TRAIN!!! You're a hairy, fat, talent-deprived, and worthless piece of trash who I still have to suffer through on Smackdown week after week, even though there are many guys on the SD brand who could wrestle, talk, entertain, and shit circles around you!
— TarheelMike

Fuck Matt Hardy. He was always my least favorite of the Hardy's. There is nothing extreme about the guy; the most high-flying thing he ever did was a leg drop off the second turnbuckle. As far as wrestling, he has fewer moves than Goldberg. He is not the second coming of HBK, he will never get a title run. Too big for cruisers, too little for heavyweight, IC title is his glass ceiling.
— cpdevine1

Fuck Val Venis. You had a good gimmick going with Chief Morley and had a lot of potential. But instead you decided to regress into a tired gimmick and create a boring face version of your Lance Storm team-up at the beginning of the year. And to think you two were tag champs for a month!
— nilesanderson

Fuck JOHN CENA. You're a marginal talent with slightly above-average mic skills. Your raps have generally sucked, and we're giving you a little too much credit for coming up with half a dozen lewd jokes a week that I could get from any frat-house gathering. Say it with me... "right place, right time." Thank you for once again reminding us that our society allows you to appropriate another culture poorly and somehow skyrocket to success with it. What's more, your rise up the card over the last six months or so is probably the quickest one since Kurt Angle, and there are people still bitching that you aren't high enough. Can't wait for your rap album, buddy. "Basic Thuganomics" brings back fond memories of "Get Rowdy."
— LuckyLopez

FUCK PERRY SATURN. You used to be so good. In ECW, you were a tag-team god. You did springboards, you did some great power moves, etc. Then you got your knee injury and went to WCW. And you threw away your springboards and tag-team specialization to become a BADASS in the Flock. You were one bad motherfucker.

THEN you went to WWF. And you wore cow-print tights, carried a mop, and had the ugliest diva as your valet. And you became completely unwatchable. You suck, Perry Saturn!
— salmonjunkie

Fuck SHANE MCMAHON. You glory-hogging, goofy-entrance-music-havin', more-retarded-than-La-Parka-Dancin' mama's boy! Let the guys who have worked their whole lives to reach the top get the high-risk spots! And what in the hell were you doing in a three-month feud with Kane as he was beginning his push?
— Eli

Fuck Shannon Moore. The sooner that rat-faced oaf is off my TV screen and working for minimum wage at some hicksville Wal-Mart, the happier I'll be.
— Lorraine

A Brief Excerpt from a Middle-American Memoir That Casts a Damning Light on the Evils of Carpentry-Selling Scandinavian Shøps
FUCK IKEA. FUCK IT IN ITS STUPID HERRING-EATING ASS!!!

It's 7 a.m. on a Saturday, and I am trying to recover from poker night when The Wife decides that now is a perfect time to go get my oldest's new bed by ripping the covers off our bed, popping open the shades, and allowing our Mastiff to maul me after she had been outside cavorting in 20-degree weather. (Nothing like a frozen dog nose in the ass to get the blood flowing.) I barely had enough time to walk through the shower and down a Myoplex, as we had an agenda.

So, without sleep on a Saturday morning, I pour myself into the truckster and battle the traffic, trying vainly to pry my right eye open from all the opti-goop and pray like hell this is a quick in-and-out. We get to the lot and my bowels turn to jelly. The lot's about the size of an Alberta wheat field, and since it's Saturday and busy, we wind up about three football fields away from the damn entrance.

We begin to hike across the barren wasteland and I decide, wrongly, that coffee would be good right about now and vaguely remember a coffee bar being in here somewhere. Java, cup-a-joe, bean juice, all I wanted, BUT NO... all they got in this "store" is puréed cow tongue with lemon grass and some short glass filled with a viscous concoction that looked suspiciously like the goop I scooped out of the crack of my two year-old's ass after she ate an entire box of IAMS for older cats. Besides, the line-up to get these odd beverages looks like a modern deportation center and the people all seem to be yelling at each other in different languages.

Forget the coffee, I say, and my wife sheepishly says she forgot her purse back at the goal line of the parking lot.

No problem. No, sir, no problem at all. I come up with the brainstorm of an idea that she finds the bed of choice while I go long for the missing money and meet up with her at the bed department.

Right, uh-huh, sure buddy. By the time I get back to the burning fires of consumerism so near and dear to the heart of my — uh, what's that four-letter word? yeah — wife, the place is twice as busy as it was in the first quarter.

A no-caffeine headache catches up to me and decides to come along. Deep inside my right eye, it tries to imitate the feeling of having a wisdom tooth pulled out through my right nostril with a pair of rusty needlenose pliers by a blind guy having muscle spasms.

Fine. Everything is just fucking fine.

After what seems like a march back to Bataan through armies of howling shoppers in yuppie uniforms, I come to the painful realization that there is no bedding department; there is no logic to the layout of the store; and there is definitely no one working here fortunate enough to receive God's gift of a complete brain and fully functioning nervous system.

Shortly before I come to the conclusion that getting back to my truck and driving to another country is the right move, I hear a sound approaching. This sound, filtering through the throbbing, eyeless skull that was once my head impresses on me just what it must be like for a sixty year-old semi-toothless man to live on a strict diet of tin foil and iron filings.

I hear screaming in my skull. I think it is my voice reflecting off the cavernous walls of Dante's Department Store. I am wrong again.

It is my lovely wife, and she is dragging one of those carts that nothing in the store will fit in that Ikea paid a crack team of peyote-ingesting retardates to develop. From this moment, my vocabulary will allow the substitution of the word IKEA for pain.

That's all I can stand, but stand more I will....

Two hours later we—no wait, the line-up first: the non-English-speaking "customer service rep" that played pocket pool while playing charades with my wife, the nimrod directing traffic to the only one open register out of ten, the guy in front of with the bawling baby and his wife that wants to tell me what she's buying next with maniacal fervor, the woman that waited until she got to the register to fill out her check and then had to redo it three times, the dead cashier with the fake eyelashes and the fresh lip piercing that she loved to suck on while speaking, the manager that was surely named Bjorn who spoke to my wife's cleavage, the mongoloid loading-dock guys who ripped the leather in the cargo area while putting the bed in, the other manager who was surely named Sven who would not look me in the eye after I exploded on the before-mentioned loading-dock guys—two hours later we arrive back at the love nest...

...and proceed to set up the fucking bed (after cleaning out my kid's room that I was assured would be done before all this) with the absurd name of Deurbensvueden and the matching instructions. To simplify set-up there is basically nothing but a single sheet of paper with an exploded-view diagram and two lines of Swedish scrawling. The best part? These are the directions for the twin bed! Not the Queen bed that has about a dozen more parts than what these directions call for.

Ah yass, yass, but of course, how could there not be? There is a main screw missing, the lynchpin that holds this entire diabolical contraption together! Okay. This is not a problem. Just breathe. It's not The Wife's or The Eldest Child's fault. So I call Sven and try to pantomime my problem through the phone and was able to decipher that this particular metric screw, which is about five feet long and two inches in diameter, is unavailable until March due to a labor dispute... but beds are being shipped regardless.

FUCK IKEA. FUCK IT IN ITS STUPID HERRING-EATING ASS!!

Gotta go... off to The Home Depot…
— SpinningToeHold

The Devil Would Never Wear that Fucking Suit or Get that Fucking Haircut
Fuck SEAN O'HAIRE. Three decent video pieces and suddenly you've got a following? Everything you've done since then has sucked balls. Influence Spanky to streak and Bill Demott to beat someone up? Thank you for some of the stupidest segments of SD!'s year. You're entirely unspectacular and people act like you're the second coming of Muta. How about we just agree that the only thing that ever drew interest in you was a gimmick that got stolen from Raven, as he was kicked out the door, and the WWE's crack video production team? Piper didn't fuck up your "great" push; Hogan didn't, and neither did the WWE: you never had one. You have a Swanton Bomb? Great. Now add it to your moveset so that it makes sense and maybe I'll watch your matches. And while you're adjusting your moveset, try developing some personality and the ability to actually pull off the concept that Raven, Kevin Sullivan, plenty of other wrestlers and Kevin Spacey could pull off. Then maybe I'll have a reason to want to see you pulled off Velocity. Till then I think I'll concern myself more with the more talented, charismatic and respected wrestlers kept off Smackdown.
— LuckyLopez

More Fucking Complaints
FUCK The APA!! How long has this same tired old gimmick going to go on? They are starting to look more like the AARP!
— mark markham

FUCK everyone who doesn't like Billy Gunn! That's right, fuck all of you! I truly, madly, deeply, enjoy watching The One and wish him a quick recovery and a Bob Holly-sized push. Well, maybe not that far, but I'd rather watch him than most of the other midcarders.
— borntorun

French Cat Fucking
Fuck LA RESISTANCE! La Resistance have gotten a shitload of TV time and have been nothing short of the tag-team equivalent of Mark Henry. Maybe that's being a bit too harsh, but really, the only reason they get any reaction is because of their French "gimmick." Fuck these guys! AHHHH!!!

While I'm at it, actually... fuck THE CAT!!! And his little midget buddy, too! My initial reaction to hearing that The Cat would be moving up to Smackdown, I was really angry. Then, I was reminded by a few people around here that he was pretty entertaining in the dying days of WCW. So I was willing to keep an open mind when he showed up on Smackdown, and my reaction has turned back to one of anger! I hate the freaking James Brown-wannabe gimmick, and I don't want to see him dance anymore! Somebody better call my mama! That line's about the only thing that's interesting about him!
— DBMacJericho


Warriors, Bookers, Follicles, Ratings, Canadians and Scott Steiner — All of Them, Apparently, Fucking
Fuck the Ultimate Warrior! Fuck him in his fucking ass. Warrior, you were once every 5th grader's hero; now you make the rounds speaking about politics, while sounding like a homeless street preacher on acid. Fucking IDIOT!
— benoitbrokemyneck

FUCK BOOKER T!!! No one gives a rat's ass how many goddam titles you won in the shittiest mainstream wrestling company ever. Not to mention one that went out of existence years ago. You sound like an idiot on the stick, and your matches are more predictable than RVD's, and at least he does high spots.

While I am at it, fuck the "Spinaroonie." The only good thing about the "Spinaroonie" was the convulsions it sent Mark Madden into whenever he saw it. You are a second-rate has-been. You are not main-event material, and you are past the point that you ever could be. It's only a matter of time until you are wrestling in the gym at my old high school.

SUCKA!!!!!!!!!!
— 2HoT

Fuck baldness! The only way I can look like Hulk Hogan now is if I take a razor to my head!
— Ando

Fuck Ratings. I really don't give a rat's ass if they do a 3.5 or a 3.6. If a show has a 4.0 rating, it doesn't mean it is any better than the show that does 2.5. All it means is not as many people watched. The only people that should care about it are the suits in Stamford and the advertisers who buy ad time.
— cpdevine1

FUCK Lance Storm. Lance, you are a boring piece of shit. [Months ago], folks here were saying that Lance should be given a chance to show what he can do. I said then that he was boring. He was given a chance, and he sucked. He was boring, and he sucked, so he was given a new gimmick. The gimmick of being boring. What the fuck was that all about? I don't care how talented the guy is as a wrestler. He also needs to have the personality to make me care. I don't care, and Lance Storm should go away forever.

Also, fuck Scott Steiner! What happened to you, Scott? Fifteen years ago, you were a great tag-team wrestler with your brother Rick. You had great runs in WWF, WCW and many smaller feds. The double Frankensteiner finishers you and Rick used to pull off were a thing of beauty. (If you've never seen the double Frankensteiner finisher, go find a tape of it. We're not talking about the slow motion ones that are done today, this move came at full speed — a double irish whip followed by full-speed Frankensteiners when the opponents came running off the ropes. Highly impressive.)

Now, you are a musclebound marble-mouthed moron who can't even make the simplest of moves look believable. Your movement has become so restricted by your ridiculously steroided body that even attempting a simple drop kick could end your career. Hang up the tights before you seriously hurt yourself or someone else. Sometimes it's good to retire and have people remember you for what you were, instead of being an egotistical asshole who can't see past his own biceps to realize that he's become a parody of himself that people laugh at and change the channel because he looks and sounds like an idiot! Get off my TV forever, you no-talent hack who is destroying his own legacy!
— BoerboelLVR

More of This Fucking Stuff
FUCK JERRY LAWLER! It's not as if wrestling was ever a particularly heady enterprise, but listening to your asinine color commentary is actually making me dumber! If you don't think the women's division is worth a damn and can only focus on their "puppies," then step aside and let Al Snow have a legitimate shot at the job. You insipid ass clown.
— markout

Okay, fuck THE HURRICANE. It's not that I don't like Shane Helms. I think he's great. The 3 Count gimmick was one of the most entertaining things from the dying days of WCW. The problem with the Hurricane is that they aren't bothering to have fun with him anymore. Helms could be one of the most over guys in the company if they played to the potential campiness of his character correctly (no cat-killings please). Unfortunately, instead of allowing Helms to mingle in the uppercard with a super-over gimmick that showcases his talent, The Hurricane gimmick has anchored him in mediocrity with a big tub of goo as a partner. Ugh. Fuck that.

And while I'm at it, fuck WWE's CREATIVE/WRITING TEAM. Get your heads out of your butts and pay-the-fuck attention to your characters. You know, like you're doing a goddamn TV show or something. Half of these things would almost write themselves if you weren't so dead-set on insisting that a Shane/Kane feud is gonna be the focus of three months of television. I'm almost 100% convinced that that feud was built on the fact that their names rhymed, and that's it.
— angstboy

Fuck JR! Your commentary is annoying. You scream half the time about the injustices being done in the ring by heels, but when a face does the same thing, you say, "Do what it takes to win!" Fuck your friendship with Steve Austin: no one cares. Fuck how much you dislike Chris Jericho. No one gives a shit. Fuck famine, wrestling, pestilence, fuck all-beef-frank hot dogs, and get the fuck of my TV! Let Coach and Al Snow fill your place, you senile, cranky old fuck!
— nilesanderson

Fuck RAW! Your title picture is beyond boring. Your tag division is absolutely pathetic. Fucking 50+ year old RIC FLAIR puts on better matches than 2/3 of your roster. Your only hope for the future is Orton, and he's not even that good. You end matches with run-in after run-in after run-in. Your two PPV's have been the absolute worst PPV's in the past four years. You push stupid, stupid people. Your announcers are the worst announcers in the history of the WWE. You have no idea how to write a compelling story outside of the ones that involve Jericho. You will never wise up and realize that people don't want HHH to be champion anymore. You'd rather push the retired Stone Cold than RVD. Your show is boring as shit, but oh, I forgot, you're live, so somehow you're better. If people didn't read spoilers to ruin their enjoyment of Smackdown, they'd realize that you have nothing to offer. Forget TNA, RAW is the modern-day WCW. Fuck you, RAW.
— Antelope

Fuck Part-time Champions. No more hiding injuries in tag matches. No more not defending your belt because you're too rickety to put on a decent match or busy filming Howard the Duck II or going to get your knee worked on over Christmas. If you can't carry a match, you can't carry a belt.
— Lorraine

...Fucking Family... Oughta Be Illegal
I'm surprised no one has said this yet, but: FUCK VINCE MCMAHON! If it weren't for your stubborn, thick-headed, egotistical "screw you if you aren't a home-grown WWF Superstar" attitude, we could have seen some interesting and entertaining storylines when the Invasion angle began. And think of where we could be now. If Vince had let WCW live, even under the WWE banner, we might actually have some compelling storylines. The competition would sure as hell make things more interesting than the crap the writers are churning out right now. And it probably would have made him even more money than he has today.

And while I am at it... FUCK THE WHOLE MCMAHON FAMILY! If I never see one of your sorry asses on my TV ever again, I will be more than happy. Get off the writing team, and leave it up to the people who know what the fans want to see. Understand that your best ideas were used up 10 years ago. Give someone else other than a McMahon (and that includes HHH) a chance to take control of the book. Your egos make you blind to anything except what you want, so you can't see how much you are screwing the fans over. Do what you do best, and just run the business side of it.
— ThePunisher

Structural Fucking
Fuck Ricky Morton, Jim Cornette and the Rock and Roll Express. Thanks so much for the only tag match in existence.
— Krydor

This Is Fucking a Bit Much
Fuck Zack Gowen. You and your "inspirational" story has all but deadened my favorite wrestler (Matt Hardy). The least you could've done is turn heel. That way, you could beat people with your prosthetic leg to achieve victory. Not only would that make it so whoever you beat didn't look pathetic, but it would've made you more entertaining. Instead, you have to go down the "overcoming the odds" storyline which, instead of making you look good, makes whoever wrestles you look pathetic. (Face it, the fact that Nunzio and Shannon Moore needed assistance from V1 to beat Zack Gowen isn't much better than actually losing to him.)
— nilesanderson

FUCK TRISH STRATUS. Skanky two-bit whore with a following of 300lb pimple-faced losers who think she's hot because they labor under the delusion that she might actually have sex with them.

I will admit that she actually learned how to wrestle, and can be carried to a watchable match by Jazz or Molly. But that doesn't change the fact that her "gimmick" as a virtual spittoon for every venereal disease known to man isn't exactly my idea of entertainment. There's a great big Internet out there, guys, and even the most dedicated virgin ought to be able to find real porn featuring real naked chicks. If you're turning to the WWE to provide your spank material, there's something really wrong with you.
— OO Kyle

Fuck LEX LUGER. You beat up Elizabeth, and she died one week later. You are a piece of crap who shouldn't have a career anymore, but somehow sorry-ass NWA: TNA hired you! Fuck LEX LUGER!
— ModSquad002

Iterations of Fucking
Fuck VERSION 1 (the gimmick). You're another wrestler who has somehow gained a following and a reputation as "the next" despite doing damn near nothing to earn it. Zach Gowan didn't fuck you up. Hell, did you ever even fight Gowan? You had a subpar feud with Rey Mysterio. Every cruiserweight match you had was subpar. Your entire reign as Cruiserweight Champ was 100% forgettable and just worked to further cement the division as inconsequential.

What exactly got you all this following? A fucking Windows joke? I personally found "Version 1" to be a one-note joke that got pretty tired the 100th time I heard it. Your muffled version of it now has me reeling from the TV in its stupidity. You ain't the next Jericho, buddy. Jericho has spent the majority of his career taking the lemons he was given and turning them into lemonade... tinged with vodka. You produced one glass of lemon juice and have been sipping it for a year. You were an inconsequential non-factor on Smackdown, and now you're an inconsequential non-factor of RAW. Maybe we should start looking inward? The highest point of "Version 1's" career was being Brock's bitch... and guess what? Shannon's more interesting now than he was for months, with you. How about you do something vaguely interesting with the attention your one-dimensional gimmick got you? The creative team won't let you? Funny, I can think of a dozen or so guys toiling away on Velocity, Heat and the undercards of RAW and Smackdown who are doing more right now with less. The first time you go do a Heat show, how about you ask Hurricane, Stevie Richards, Lance Storm, Val Venis, Rico, and Tommy Dreamer if you're being unjustly held back by the booking team, and then see how many of them make the show more interesting than you.
— LuckyLopez

Fucking Point, Fucking Counterpoint
Fuck online anti-smark fans. It's so fucking "in" these days to hate anyone who digs blow-away matches and amazing professionals. It's become so fucking popular to back ugly stupid, lame, boring pieces of garbage based on the fact that "they've made it." The general argument to defend these goobers is, "You've never been there, you have no right to criticize." Fuck the anti-smark movement. Fuck it right up its stupid ass.
— MrJustinB

Fuck Smarks.
— OO Kyle


This Is the Fucking Dumples
Fuck HOMESTARRUNNER.COM. Where the fuck is the latest StrongBad email? And the one before that? What, no Decemberween cartoon? What the hell are the Brothers Chap doing over there? Fuck those guys and their site. It was better before every art student in the universe started wearing StrongBad hoodies. Fuck 'em.
— angstboy

This Fucking Goes on and on...
Fuck HHH's high knee. I know the move was Harley Race's, but I don't need to hear it EVERY DAMN TIME he does the move. We don't hear that about every other move. When Kurt does the ankle lock, we don't hear, "Perfected by Ken Shamrock." Or when HBK does a flying elbow we don't hear, "Shades of Randy Savage." Just give it a rest, we know already.
— cpdevine1

Fuck Ref Bumps! Why can't you just end the match with one guy winning? What the fuck is the problem with that? It will somehow hurt HHH if he loses to HBK? It will somehow hurt HBK's invincible armor if he gets pinned by the world champion? No, it won't, but the bookers are lazy assholes who don't want to offend anyone, so they don't ever let matches end cleanly. Let the better man win! For Christ's sake, that's what we're watching this damn thing for — to see who's better and to cheer for our favorites. We're not watching it for your stupid comedy or your lame-ass boardroom sketches or any other shit. We want to see two men give it their all until one man comes out victorious. Is that so much to ask? Apparently so, because we can't just end matches with a clear victory. Fuck ridiculous crowd-killing ref bumps. If it kills the crowd, then DON'T DO IT. That means it's not entertaining, you dumb shits!
— Antelope

Fuck JOBBERS ON RAW. What the hell was up with that shit? What were those guys names? Scott Williamson and Miser Schwab? Couldn't the Fed have put Hurricane and Rosey up there? I know the point was to make their opponents look weak, but Jindrak and Cade would have sufficed.
— Eli

Fuck the padded guard-rail shit. Fuck it straight to hell. Bring back the ghetto-ass galvanized metal bike-rack-lookin' separators. Those things look like they hurt when dudes were thrown into them. Plus, it was easier for crazies to jump over them to get beat up by Eddie Guerrero.
— angstboy

Just to stay on topic, FUCK RANDY ORTON. The only way I'd like that kid is if he had a brutal match with Sandman or Sabu or Terry Funk and just got fucked up, with a scar across his forehead/under his eye. And then I might be a little interested in his matches. Right now he's like a J. Crew Model in a wrestling ring.
— folby

Fuck Scott Hall for not being able to get clean, healthy and smart enough to get back to the WWE (once he finally did get back, he didn't stay out of trouble.) I mean, most of us like to take a drink now and then, but Scott decided he'd rather drink than wrestle. For that matter, FUCK ANY WRESTLER who has let their great career be destroyed by drugs or alcohol. Too many times, we've had to eulogize our most favorite wrestlers because they fell victim to addiction and were either unable or unwilling to get serious help.

I'm sorry that they are gone, I truly am. But it really also makes me angry when I hear that another wrestler has died, and I find myself praying that it wasn't from some type of substance abuse. So FUCK YOU, you selfish, substance-abusing, career-ruining, self-destructing losers! Seek help before it's too late.
— BoerboelLVR

Strong Fucking Words for a Strong Fucking Man
FUCK MARK HENRY. Fuck Mark Henry and anyone even slightly responsible for me having to shudder my way through the horror that is this gelatinous waste of pudding snacks on my fucking TV! You are a vile, nauseating pile of semi-mobile dogshit that sets back the evolution of mankind by your very existence. You make A-Train look palatable. WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN???!!! If I hear that one more time I will track you to your foul lair and beat the living shit out of you myself. Oh God, the hate I hold in my little black heart for this putrid, troll-faced shit smear. That sneer does not make you look intimidating; it makes you look hungry, you fat nasty bastard.

I imagine they taunt you with chicken wings (nay, whole live birds, you carnie freak) from just behind the cameras, urging you to plod your moronic way through each "match."

"GOOD, Mark Henry, GOOD!"

Perhaps they smear your opponents with lard? Oh, I could go on forever, but let me close with this, my dear Mark Henry: I hope you choke on your next all-you-can-eat buffet, you bloated, demonic, abortion of humanity. May your carcass rot in hell, and may your devil be Richard Simmons, you sorry fuck.
— rasslinjunkie

Roberts' Rules of Fucking Order
Fuck tag teams that don't hold onto the string atop the turnbuckle in order to get a proper tag-in.
— benoitbrokemyneck

Fucking Disorder
Fuck the WWE creative team. The same team that fucked Kane over last year with Katie Vick and tried again this year with Shane McMahon. The same team that took an interesting gimmick that was over (Chief Morley) and decided to revert him back to an old tired gimmick that is anything but (Val Venis). The same team that decided the Zack Gowan could make a credible face. The same team that decided Zack Gowan could not beat Vince McMahon by any means, but be able to go over any real wrestler if there was no interference in his matches. Fuck anybody who thought the McMahon-athon was a good idea. Or deemed Mr. America a worthwhile continuation of what once was a good feud. The list goes on.
— nilesanderson

Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck!
Fuck TEST!! You're another guy who I wish I never had to see on TV again. Just cause you're buddy-buddy with the boss' son. You're always on Raw in some stupid-ass angle that JR tells me I'm supposed to care about. Well I don't care about what JR says; I don't care about the angle, and I sure as hell don't care about you, you jacked-up piece of trash! And when you leave, you can take Stacy with you. She ain't that hot, anyway.
— TarheelMike

Fuck Paul Heyman for screwing up the financial side of ECW and depriving us of a true wrestling alternative on TV. Fuck the Jarrets, because I can't get TNA and wouldn't want to see JJ anyway.
— outback jack

FUCK the fucking DUDLEY BOYZ, and their stale fucking gimmick, boring fucking matches and never-ending fucking push. Fuck them for making the table spot nothing special anymore. Fuck Bubba Ray's little shorts — and fuck D-Von for not having the cool Reverend D-Von entrance music anymore. (The only cool thing associated with either of these douchebags since sometime in 2000.) And fuck that stupid "Whazup" headbutt: that fucking commercial is, like, four years old — and got old, like, three years and 51 weeks ago. If we're going to be hitting these pop-culture references right on the peak of their fucking popularity, why not add some fucking Who Wants To Be A Millionaire jokes to the gimmick? Fucking tired assholes.

Oh, and FUCK STEVE AUSTIN — that fucking wife-beating pussy. I hope you decide to return to full-time wrestling, and fucking John Heidenreich drops you on your fucking neck and you spend the rest of your fucking life in a fucking wheelchair, you fucking piece of shit cowardly redneck.
— olfuzzybastard

This Is Fucking Off-Topic
Fuck PEOPLE WHO USE THEIR CELL PHONE LIKE A WALKIE-TALKIE. Is it not enough that I have been exposed to the obnoxious, overbearing, ignorant and unnecessary conversations of hundreds of complete strangers for the last five years but now I have to listen to the remarks of the people they are talking to as well? And is it beyond a person's mental capacity to put themselves in the position of the people around them and consider that maybe we don't want to hear an electronic voice discussing roof measurements or movie plans while we eat our tacos? Is it such a hassle to lift the phone to their ear? And is there any logical reason to speak on a cell phone in walkie-talkie fashion other than to draw a reaction from those people who are situated around it? And can't people understand that the reaction they are hoping to achieve is, in all actuality, the opposite of that which is being achieved? ARRRRRRRGH!!!!
— Eli

Amen, Eli. Fuck NEXTEL for exposing us to them and FUCK the copyright laws for apparently allowing Nextel's control over the technology to expire and assure us that it will become a standard feature of all cell phones in the near future. And FUCK ME for when I finally fold on my principles and respect for my fellow man and start using the damn thing.

And while I'm doing preemptive ones... FUCK COOPERSTOWN. I swear to God, you've got a ballot filled with classy players who made the 1980s baseball scene and who were the role models for plenty of kids (including me) growing up because they were not the ones getting hooked on cocaine. Yet I know they're all going to be left off. No Sandberg. No Rice. No Gossage. No Blyleven. No Molitor. No Eckersley. No Martinez. And yeah... I'll even take the chance of being called a blind New York fan and say no Mattingly. (And damn near half a dozen other guys on that fucking ballot.)

There's going to be 1 or 2 names on that list and we all know it... because the damn voters are fucking snobs who can't stand to see more guys get in than they can count on their hands while they're flipping baseball fans off. And here comes Pete Rose down the pipeline with a half-assed admission after 15 FUCKING years of lying his FUCKING ass off and STILL no apology.

Bud's going to reinstate that sociopathic bastard because its going to make him feel like he's a halfway competent Baseball Commissioner. Hell, might as well make half of baseball happy for once. And you're all going to let that lying remorseless fuck into the Hall on the first ballot along with Rickey Henderson, Roger Clemens, Wade Boggs, Roberto Alomar and Randy Johnson... all while a score of guys who played at the top of the game during their era — and did it with class — go unrewarded. Fuck Pete Rose, fuck Cooperstown, fuck the writers, and fuck their contradictory attitudes when they bitch about athletes, their greed and their immaturity but don't care to pay homage to those who stood tall. And fuck me if I end up surprised and we have half a dozen new Hall of Famers this year and Bud decides to wait for an apology.
— LuckyLopez

Your Server Is Fucking Mad. And, Careful! That's Fucking Hot!
My turn: FUCK THE INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLES THAT I HAVE TO CATER TO AT WORK EVERY DAY. May you all die a slow and painful death only to burn in the depths of hell for all eternity.

For those who don't know, when I'm not in school, I wait tables. With that said, fuck the customers who, when I walk up to them with a nice smile and say, "Hi, how are you?" respond by looking up at me like I've sprouted horns and not saying a word, thus making me feel like an idiot for doing my goddamned job. Fuck the customers who expect their food in five minutes when the restaurant is packed and I'm obviously running my ass off. Fuck the guy who sat at the bar today, who was too much of an idiot to realize that no, I don't set the food prices, and chewed me out because our salads are too expensive for his cheap ass. Fuck the woman who asked me why I hadn't gotten her bread yet while I was taking ten seconds to wipe off a dirty table before I walked back to the kitchen to retrieve the aforementioned bread. Fuck every person who's ever gotten excellent service and left a five-percent tip.

Fuck the greasy 40 year-old men who hit on me and expect me to smile and flirt right back without batting an eye. Fuck the perverted, shifty-eyed, middle-aged jackoff who, when asked if he would like dessert, asked with a leer if I was on the menu. Fuck the middle-aged women who call me "Sweetheart" and "Darlin'," tell me that I did a great job, and leave me three bucks on a $40 check. Fuck the customers who interrupt me and expect me to divert my attention to them while I'm taking the order for another table.

Fuck the customers who sit down at a table while talking on their cell phones. It's fucking rude, and I don't know if you want me to wait until you're finished with your call to approach you, or if you want to be rude to the person on the other end of the line and make them wait while you place your order. Fuck the African-American woman who called me racist when I didn't see her walk into the restaurant and thus didn't take her to a table right away. Fuck the people who finish all of their food and THEN decide to tell me that something was "wrong" with it so they can get it for free and skip out on the tip, despite the fact that I checked with them several times after they got their food and told me everything was fine. Fuck the customers who get angry with ME when the cook makes a mistake and still act huffy when I immediately rectify the problem.

Fuck the illiterate dumbasses who point to pictures on the menu in lieu of reading it. Fuck the people who ask if we carry items that are clearly not on the menu; do you see "Ham Sandwich" listed under the sandwich portion of the menu? No? Guess what! That means that we don't have it! Morons. Fuck the people who order an entree and ask, "What comes with that?" when the menu clearly states exactly what comes with your fucking meal. Fuck the customers who can't understand that you can't get one all-you-can-eat meal and share it with five other people. Fuck the parents of screaming children who don't take them outside to calm them down and ruin the entire dining experience for the rest of the place that's full of people who are going to tip me less because of your air-raid siren of a child. Fuck the people who sigh and roll their eyes because they have to wait two minutes for me to brew them some fresh coffee. Fuck the alcoholics who get pissed that we only serve beer and don't have a full bar. Fuck the people who walk out on their checks. Fuck the people who leave me tips in nothing but quarters.

And finally, fuck Candace, one of my managers. You are a colossal bitch who deserves to burn with the rest of the fuckwits I've mentioned.

DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL.
— Alana

As a waiter myself, let me add: FUCK the people who, after I set down a plate and say "be careful, this is very hot" immediately reach out and touch it, recoil, and say "Ouch, it is hot!" No shit, Sherlock. Are you calling me a fucking liar? Did I not just tell you, in no uncertain terms, NOT TO TOUCH THE FUCKING PLATE? Fuck the people who bitch about drinks tasting flat when they aren't. Fuck the elderly women who leave a quarter on the table and say "this is for you." No thanks, bitch, you obviously need the money much more than I do. Fuck you vegetarians who freak out at the sight of an overcooked caramelized onion that your paranoid ass decides is a piece of chicken or something. Eat meat like the rest of the world, you fucking assholes. Fuck you sleazy greasy old men that hit on teenage waitresses so I have to listen to them bitch about what a creepy pedophile you are. Fuck you yuppie frat boys that think you're better than I am because your mommy and daddy pay for your XTerra and your wasted college education while I work my ass off full-time and struggle through college part-time as a result. Fuck anybody who has never waited tables and doesn't realize what a stressful shitty job it really is. And major respect for anybody who does it for a living.
— Chris Is Good517


"I said, Baby, It's Three A.M., I Must Be a Fucking Second-Rate Groaning Bastard with Achingly Predictable Middle-Brow Angst-Lyrics and a Giant Fucking I.O.U for Satan."
"Fuck the perverted, shifty-eyed, middle-aged jackoff who, when asked if he would like dessert, asked with a leer if I was on the menu."

Amen sister! I worked at the front desk of a hotel during college, and one early morning while preparing a bill for some slimeball I was told, "Put an extra forty on the bill and let's go back upstairs." Okay, so not only am I a whore, but I am a forty-dollar whore who takes AMEX. Fuck that.

And while I'm reminiscing, Fuck the lead singer of Matchbox 20, who as he was being checked into my hotel, looked me straight in the tits and asked if I was going to part of his "rock star benefits."
— Lorraine

Either Fucking Chip in with Cash, or Help Me with This Fucking Fucker That's Clogged the Fucking Drain
FUCK people who go out with friends and acquaintances (of an equal age and economic bracket), grab the check and then calculate to the cent what they owe and give no more. If everyone at your table is willing to round up on their food and drop a $5 bill into the tip, you really piss us off by dropping $15 for your $14.02. Sooner or later we're going to all realize that YOU don't put in your share, and YOU won't be coming next time. Just don't ask why we didn't call next weekend.

And let it be known now that I respect [many waiters/waitresses] and [their] feelings, [but] FUCK waiters and waitresses who are utterly convinced that they have the worst possible job in the world and are unwilling to see anything around their own suffering. It's a tough job, for sure, and one that I've never personally had the tolerance to do... but there are comparatively worse ones.

I spent two years of my life working in the warehouse of a major appliance store, retrieving appliances from the top shelves of the warehouse and loading them into people's cars from all hours of the morning into all hours of the night. During the Christmas season I worked from 6 A.M. till 2 A.M. half the week. The more salesmen sell, the more money they make, but we would just get more work thrust on us at a quicker rate. And the best I could hope for in tips from loading 52-inch TVs and refrigerators into cars was enough to pay for my lunch at McDonalds.

I spent the next two years working maintenance for my college, doing remedial tasks for my friends and peers. It was my job to be on duty 24 hours a day to deal with whatever came up. You know what the leading cause for waking me up at 4 A.M. was? Cleaning up the overflow from some toilet when a girl decided to flush her bloody pad. It was maybe one in 20 times that I even got so much as a "thank you" or a look in the eye from this job. But really, the best part of the job was coming back to my door after spending an hour and a half cleaning up an overflowed toilet, smelling like sewage and listening to my roommate bitch about that one customer who stiffed him as he counts up the $300 he made in tips.

Eventually you're prone to explosions that amount to, "Your job sucks, but not that much! You deal with annoying people and serve them food... I deal with annoying people and clean up their shit. I make $5.15 an hour and you make $200-$300 a night. On a slow night you still make 4-5 times as much as I do for a day's work. And even my job probably isn't that bad in comparison to some. For whatever reason, I keep my job, and for whatever reason, you keep yours.... You need to vent sometimes, and that's all well and good, but it's probably a good life lesson to keep things in perspective and understand why you aren't quitting Chili's and asking me to put a good word in for you about that 4 A.M. snow shoveling adventure tomorrow."
— LuckyLopez

Two All-Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, and Fuck You
Fuck McDONALD's and their inability to realize that it isn't the 1950s anymore. I used to work for McDonald's in my high school days. To this day it amazes me that the company actually makes money. When they started taking big hits a few years ago, it gave me a perverse joy in knowing that their outdated business practices were finally biting them in the ass... which is where they keep all the money.

You see from the beginning, McDonald's basic service philosophy was that, at any time, a customer should be able to walk straight up to the counter, order their food, pay and receive what they requested in under two minutes. Now, 50 years ago, when they served hamburgers and milkshakes, and NOTHING ELSE, this made perfect sense. You could hire four mongoloids at 42 cents an hour to do this job because it was impossible to fuck up. Unfortunately, as the fast-food market grew, McDonald's tried to grow as well, but also tried to hold on to their old policies like an old pair of tight pants. They just don't fit anymore.

Honestly, who in the hell has ever walked into a McDonald's at lunch or dinner time and just been able to walk up and get their order in under two minutes? The size of the menu has gotten bigger and the quality of the employees has gotten lower. Now the four lazy morons that work there have to deal with a drive through as well. For chrissake, they won't even implement the simple first-come-first-serve register rat-mazes that every other fast food chain figured out 30 years ago.

McDonald's doesn't suck because of their food or even their service. They suck because the people running the stores at the highest levels have no idea what the fuck is going on in other fast food establishments, and they don't care to know. Dumb fucks.
— angstboy

I'll second the Fuck McDonald's, and add a "Fuck the fast food industry in particular," and fuck bad customers that have nothing better to do in their lives than complain because they got one ketchup packet instead of two.
— cpdevine1

And FUCK THOSE KETCHUP PACKETS. All hard to open and it gets all over you and the kids take them and throw them at stuff and ketchup stains so bad and leaves a smell and then you have none for your food and they went and put mustard on your hamburger and that's fucking un-American to put mustard on your hamburger and then you don't have enough ketchup to drown out the taste and even if you try then you're screwed because you've got no ketchup for your fries and they're all burned anyway and the ones that aren't are cold and soggy and really disgusting and I'm not even sure who or what I'm mocking anymore and I don't know when or how to stop this damn thing and I'm pretty damn sure if it was ever funny its not funny anymore and now I'm even annoying myself and fuck me.
— LuckyLopez


I Am Not Going to Use the Word "Fuck" in This Title
FUCK pretty actresses playing ugly characters, then getting rave reviews for their "range." Yeah, Nicole Kidman wore a fake nose and Charlize Theron ate a bunch of cheeseburgers for their last movies. BIG F'ING DEAL. Here's an idea: just hire actress that look like real people if you have a part that requires a real person. Don't hire Cindy Crawford and then spend ten hours a day stuffing her into makeup that makes her look like Kathy Bates. JUST FREAKING HIRE KATHY BATES. I'm sure she'd love the work.

If merely wearing tons of makeup until you're unrecognizable made an actor "talented," then Eddy Murphy would be the Brando of our time.
— OO Kyle


Some Fucking Problems with the Purchase and Use of Commercial Air-Time During Fucking WWE Programming
FUCK RAW'S COMMERCIALS. If I have to endure another one of those homoerotic Bod Man ads or those Final Fantasy whores screeching their crappy J-pop, I'm going to chuck a 30-pound dumbbell through my TV, then take a nice creamy crap on the remains. And then blow up Titan Towers. Who thought it would be a good idea to subject us to these ads during EVERY SINGLE COMMERCIAL BREAK? Someone who obviously never heard the saying, "Familiarity breeds contempt."
— Laner

They have been advertising for the exact same products for ages, and that is the exact reason I am not gonna buy any of 'em ever! Fuck Castrol GTX, my car isn't high mileage, so fuck your ad. Fuck the BOD commercial: I don't look like a model, and I sure as shit don't buy white trash wanna-be cologne. Fuck the Grand Theft Auto 3 ad, too. That game came out so long ago it actually has a sequel that has been out for ages too! DAMN IT, GET SOME NEW ADS, FUCKOS!
— benoitbrokemyneck

I simply must join in dittoing the "Fuck Raw's Commercials" comment. Man, they need some new sponsors. I realize that Stacker 2 is probably a lost cause, but seriously — what makes them think that wrestling fans have any interest in Bod? That is the single most homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that) commercial I have ever seen.
— OO Kyle

Oh, Great. Now We're Fucking the Comics Page. This Is Turning into Something Altogether Too Serious, Like "Rex Morgan: Fuck"
I want to climb a mountain and yell FUCK "THE FAMILY CIRCUS"!

I really, really loathe this comic strip, but I read it anytime I pick up the comics page. It's an addiction that I can't give up. Every time I read it, I comment on how stupid it is, and how fucking lame Bill Keane is. Bill, why do you think we care that Billy is a goofy kid and will take your spot on random Sundays, only to draw in the worst six-year-old fashion imaginable and be incredibly lame? Don't you realize you've drawn more of those fuckin stupid-ass black dashes when Billy runs around the neighborhood than any sane individual could count? You've been doing the same old schtick for what seems like almost a century now, and guess what? It was never entertaining. If it were up to me, Billy would run all over the neighborhood only to get hit by a runaway ice cream truck.

"Who poked Dolly's eye in with a fork? Not me!" If you get that joke, you know how annoying this man is.

And it's not cute to have every other panel/circle (whatever the hell your creative mind came up with) be some forced pun because kids say things the wrong way. "Daddy is surfing the internet. Why isn't he wearing his bathing suit?" For the love of Christ, that's NOT FUCKING FUNNY! Speaking of which, you're not hip with anything current. Don't make jokes about eBay, cable, sports, or anything you have no grasp on.

Oh, and please, please, please, stop the grandpa from looking down from heaven. If my reward for a good life is to watch the most inane, ridiculous family of all time for eternity, then send me to hell along with the creator of Marmaduke.

I challenge you, Mr. Keane, to entertain me thoroughly. Drop a panel where the mom has her shirt off, smoking while running the vacuum cleaner. Or have Jeffy fall down a well. Anything. Of course, you'd probably fuck those ideas up too. "Jeffy fell down the hole. Oh WELL!" Hahahahahaha! Shut the fuck up.

This Family Circus needs to crossover with Siegfried and Roy. Grandpa couldn't save them from the white tigers, and I'd like to see Billy's stupid black dashes cornered in the lions' cage.
— borntorun


"He probably put an ad in the Village Voice: 'Young man, twenties, interested in winning TV talent show, never learning who James Joyce is, and sodomy....' "
FUCK CLAY AIKEN. Okay, you can say what you will about people like O-Town, Kelly Clarkson and that band that Puff Daddy makes get him coffee (and Ruben Studdard, for that matter), breaking into show business by winning on a game show. But at least they fucking won. Clay Aiken lost.

So why am I seeing his creepy feminine cat-like face everywhere I look? Can the American Idol really not get behind a black guy? Much like Paul Schaffer, I hate playing the racecar, but is it really that simple?

Here's another tip, Clay. On his last real album, Johnny fucking Cash did a cover of "Bridge Over Troubled Water," and even his version was passable at best. (You might say that's because he was saddled with Fiona Apple on the track, but I think she's a damn fine singer in her own right — even if her material is never that hot, so I personally wouldn't say that.) If someone like Johnny Cash can't get the song right, what chance do you think that a Star Search runner-up like yourself really has with the song?

Meanwhile, every piece of positive press I've seen about this guy calls him "a young Barry Manilow." Like that's a good thing. Let me let you in on a little secret: we've all been waiting patiently for the old Barry Manilow to finally die. (Not to mention Rod Stewart, who seems to be doing his best to be the transitional Barry Manilow. Have you heard this Great American Songbook stuff? Brutal.) Why are you cursing us not only with a new Barry Manilow, but one who's about twenty years old and clean-living. Why must we have another sixty years of Manilow? Why, god, why?
— olfuzzybastard

I've Got Some Fucking Amazing Powers of Observation
Fuck TELEVISION. Never has Pink Floyd's line, "I Got 13 channels of shit on the TV to choose from" been more true than today, when we have 130 channels of shit to choose from. Three news channels? Biased crap. Discovery and TLC? Filled with true-crime shit that fuels America's fascination with crime. EMPTY-V, VH1 and E!? The envy networks are too concentrated on the cult of celebrity to ever concentrate on the arts. The Networks? Fucking forget it!
— Eli

And Now, the Greatest Short-Form Expression of Accumulated Bile I've Ever Read, Well, Anywhere — Complete with 83 Fucking Fucks
Fuck the Yankees. Fuck Kevin Brown. Fuck Jose Contreras. Fuck Mike Mussina. Fuck Jon Lieber. Fuck Javier Vazquez. Fuck Jorge Posada. Fuck Jason Giambi. Fuck Alfonso Soriano. Fuck Aaron Fucking Boone. Fuck Derek Jeter. Fuck Bernie Williams. Fuck Gary Sheffield. Fuck Hideki Matsui. Fuck Mariano Rivera. Fuck Tom Gordon. Fuck Paul Quantrill. Fuck Gabe White. Fuck Steve Karsay. Fuck Felix Heredia. Fuck Kenny Lofton. Fuck Ruben Sierra. Fuck Enrique Wilson. Fuck Erick Almonte, you over-hyped non-prospect. Fuck Drew Henson, even if it is funny to watch the Yankees pay you a kajillion dollars a year to play minor league ball. Fuck Grady Little. Fuck the Mets. Fuck the Nets. Fuck the Jets. Fuck the NY Rangers. Fuck the Islanders. Fuck Grady Little. Fuck the Sixers. Fuck the Lakers. Fuck every NBA team that got it in their heads that they're in some sort of rivalry with the Celtics, 'cause no one in Boston gives a shit about your team. Especially the Pistons—fuck them. Fuck Bill Laimbeer—I don't give a fuck about the Pistons, but I fucking hate Laimbeer. Fuck the Knicks for being so unimportant that I can't bother hating them despite being from New York. Fuck the Hurricanes for not being the Whalers anymore. Fuck Grady Little. Fuck Grady Little. FUCK GRADY LITTLE. Fuck November, December, January, and some of February for having no baseball. Fuck Don Zimmer. Fuck Joe West. Fuck Manchester United. Fuck Glasgow Rangers. Fuck Jeremy Jacobs. Fuck overhyped piece of shit movies. Fuck Vin Diesel and every other overhyped no-talent fuck in Hollywood; you know who you are. Fuck Tom Bombadil. Fuck Fox Broadcasting; the contradiction between the views expressed on Fox News and the programming shown on the Fox Network just fucking pisses me off to no end. Fuck George W. Bush. Fuck Karl Rove. Fuck Dick Cheney. Fuck Condoleeza Rice. Fuck Donald Rumsfeld. Fuck Ronald Reagan; I hope you're aware enough to be fucking suffering, you Saddam-Hussein-chemical-weapons-giving, Ayatollah-Khomeini-arming, nun-raping-and-murdering-Contra-funding lying motherfucker—God didn't bring AIDS down to punish homosexuals, but He sure as fuck smited you, asshole. Fuck anyone that idolizes Reagan; in fact, fuck anyone that doesn't despise that asshole. Fuck Osama Bin Laden—do me a favor and fucking die slowly and painfully of kidney failure in a fucking cave, I don't want one of our soldiers to get a chance to end your misery. Fuck John Ashcroft, who didn't plan the murder of any Americans, but was more successful in efforts to strip Americans of their freedom than any of theocratic assholes representing Islam. Fuck Jerry Falwell. Fuck Pat Robertson. Fuck Rush Limbaugh. Fuck Ann Coulter. Fuck Bob Novak for being a stupid pawn of a Bush White House Traitor. Fuck the Washington Press Corps for knowing the identity of said traitor and not turning him or her in. Fuck the traitor. Fuck indefinite Guantanamo detentions. Fuck Bovine Spongiform Encephalitis. Fuck Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease.

And Fuck Grady Little, especially.
— Ultra Magnus

A Final Fucking Word...
Ah, FUCK IT.
— AnglesGoldMedals

This Fiscal Quarter's Stats:
My New/Recurring Heroes: Lorraine, SpinningToeHold, Borntorun, Angstboy, LuckyLopez, Markout, 2HoT.
Most Encouraging News: Most of the jerkoffs who register weird names on the boards either get banned, go away quickly or turn out to be fun people with surprisingly simple explanations for why they call themselves, "DinkWagNO."
Most Discouraging-but-Understandable News: Bigfatgoalie took off, thus making it harder for me to make a point of not mentioning him in Crashing the Boards. Unfortunately for him, I have an ace up my sleeve: never doing this column regularly.
Posters Still MIA and Sorely Missed: Milky, Icon, probably some others.
Two Words: Body Massage.
The "Please Post More Dolphin Pics BTW What Does 'Intimate' Mean?" Award Winner Emeritus: Borntorun
Someone Whose Joke Wasn't Funny the First Time Keeps Making the Same Joke While Starting Polls So Colossally Pointless That It Challenges the Generally Held Notion That He Is Both a Smart and Funny Guy: "The" Slade "Fuck the Police" Slade "Police, Fuck" Slade "The Slade" Police.
Discouraging News: Despite the "Crashing the Boards" forum having a description that suggests posters U2U or email me with clippings of good posts, no one does. This means that good ideas that I miss go unrecognized on the main page. Or it means that many OOsters don't think highly enough of fellow posters to take twenty seconds to give them a nod. Either way, it means less of Crashing the Boards.
Other Discouraging News: Fewer unsolicited and solicited columns from posters has resulted in fewer people making it to the main page. Last year we saw Eoghann Irving, Erin "Alana" Anderson, Tony "Markout" Kowalski, Brad "Angstbiscuits" Smoley and Chris "Lucky" Lopez make it to the main page, amongst others. What will 2004 bring?
Factoids to Consider Next Time You Wonder Why These Columns Don't Come Out More Often: This piece is 27 pages long, contains 10,575 words; I edited them all; it took five hours to compile; I'm still being lazy about the editing; and no post is that much fun after a second reading.
A Final Plea: Vote Federalist.

JOIN THE OO FORUMS AND BE PART OF THE FUN!
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