OO Column: Crashing the Boards (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

CRASHING THE BOARDS
Unnatural Laws
March 4, 2004

Compiled by Jeb Lund
Featuring the Contributors to the OnlineOnslaught.com Forums

[Editor's Note: It was time once again to cull the best from the boards; and, as luck would have it, I could turn to one excellent thread. This time the OO faithful made a sincere and hilarious attempt to define and enumerate all the peculiar laws that govern wrestling as we know it. Even though there might be some perennial quirks and regulations that escaped their grasp, the good people of the message boards managed to bring reason to most of the madness. Just as the thinkers of the Enlightenment sought to bring the laws of Nature to heel via formulae, OO's best and brightest (and some others) defined the heels, the formulas, the faces and the hopelessly unenlightened: in short everything we dig, week after week, about this fake sport is here codified. — Ed.]

The Progressive Inertial Law of Missile Drop-Kicks
Any missile drop kick that fails to connect will cause the person delivering the kick to land on the canvas with ten times the force with which they would otherwise land. All the damage that would have otherwise been caused to the kickee is transferred to the kicker, who then writhes around the mat in excruciating pain.
— OO Kyle

"Deer in Headlights" Syndrome
Any wrestler having a match who sees an enemy on the rampway or hears their theme will be rendered immobile for at least 30 seconds, making them easy victims of rollups.
— Stormtrooper

The Rock's Five-Second Rule of Metabolic Regeneration:
This rule works for any main-event babyface, but was pioneered by the Rock. If five seconds pass between knocking the Rock down and attempting to pin the Rock, the Rock will kick out. Even if the event that knocked him down was a .45 caliber bullet to the skull.
— OO Kyle

Morton-esque "Accelerated Regeneration" Theory
A face-in-peril who is beaten to a pulp for 10 minutes by the heel tag team — such that several opportunities to tag out fail because he can't walk a few steps across the ring — will be ready to come back in the ring at full speed in two minutes or less.
— outback jack

The Reflective Energy Foot Acceleration Principal
By building momentum when stomping your foot, the impact causes a wave of energy that is transferred from the mat, back up your leg and torso, down your arm and into your fist. This transference of energy increases the power of your punch.

The same principle applies to the force generated by slapping your leg when performing a "big boot," "drop kick," or other kick-like maneuver. The added energy travels down the leg and gives the kick extra power.
— angstboy

The Law of Hulking Up
After receiving a certain amount of damage, Hulk Hogan starts to go through a process of internal nuclear fission, resulting in a sudden burst of energy; and at said time, any punch thrown at him will be blocked, until he points at the opponent, gives him the big boot, then releases the nuclear energy by way of the Atomic Leg Drop of Doom.

Corollary:
As a result of his atomic structure being altered by the nuclear reactions often taking place within, anyone befriending him will inevitably be repelled by his altering polarity, eventually turn on him and attack him.
— The Bad Guy

The "Heel Tags His Own Hand" Postulate
When the ref is preoccupied with the non-legal member of a face tag-team, the heel team member's tactic of slapping his hands overhead will cause his partner to enter the ring exactly .89634326 seconds sooner than he normally would.
— GoWings79

Move-In-Progress Paralysis
When an opponent is performing a move that takes more than an instant to accomplish, you are temporarily paralyzed, forcing you to stand still to allow your opponent to finish the move.
— Operation Retard

The Wrestler's Self-Adjustment on the Mat Law
When a wrestler is slammed onto (or otherwise made to lie prone on) the mat and his opponent goes to the top rope to perform his finisher, the prone wrestler must shuffle his body into the necessary position in order to properly receive the finisher.

This law also covers a prone wrestler's responsibility to help his opponent drag his fat winded ass across the mat to the corner to be set up for a finisher.
— BoerboelLVR

The Ric Flair Top-Rope Requisite
If Ric Flair climbs to the top rope, he must be thrown off by his opponent, usually in the fashion of an overhead slam.
— GoWings79

Spanish Flypaper
This term describes the innate property possessed by the Spanish Announcers' Table to pull wrestlers towards itself. Theory holds that the Spanish Announcers Table is actually constructed from Dwarf Star Matter, giving it roughly the same gravitational field as Jupiter or the Big Show.
— OO Kyle

The Schmozz Absolute
With any PPV main event involving more than three superstars, but fewer than seven (Survivor Series, Elimination Chamber, Four Corners Matches), the televised main event of the RAW or Smackdown prior to it will always end in a schmozz involving the very same participants of the upcoming PPV main event.
— ModSquad002

The Schnozz Absolute
Guys with big noses (Triple H, Ric Flair) end up being main-event wrestlers.
— angstboy

The Top-Rope Showboat Law
If a wrestler attempts to impress someone (i.e. the crowd, said wrestler's girlfriend) from the top rope, his move will fail to find its mark.

The Theme-Music Law
If a participant enters the ring without theme music, he will find himself unable to attain victory. (See also: the During-Commercial Entrance Law.)
— folby

The Signature Move Devastation/Non-Devastation Protocol
1. During a promo or other non-wrestling incident, a signature move will automatically render the recipient immobile.
2. In a big-match atmosphere, that same maneuver may prove insufficient, despite twenty or so previous minutes of non-stop action, unless used multiple times. (Opponents must always either attempt or perform a variation of one another's move in said matches.)
— blackdragon

The Law of Timed Run-Ins
In any case where a heel is attempting to apply a finishing maneuver on a prone face and another wrestling superstar is attempting to run-in and make the save, the heel will not be able to complete the finishing maneuver on said prone face, even if that means holding the prone face in the air for an undetermined amount of time. The heel must also have his back to the entrance ramp so that he can not possibly see the superstar making the run-in.

Some theorize that a face in extreme peril can actually pause time, giving the saver a chance to reach the save-ee. Others believe that a prone face in such a situation actually displays anti-magnetic properties with the ring itself.
— Super Grover

The Law of Voluntary Ringpost Submission Assistance
If your opponent is applying a figure-four leglock around the ringpost, you must — and I mean must — help inflict damage to your legs by holding your opponent's feet in place so he doesn't slip. While letting go may be the smart option, it is not feasible.

Law of Being an Idiot in Steel Cage Matches
In a steel-cage match, you can never win by simply going out the door. First, you must expend all your energy on repeated efforts to try to climb out of the cage. Once those are unsuccessful, you may incapacitate your opponent and make your first attempt to exit through the door. However, if you do try, you will probably have the door slammed on your face by an unseen enemy, allowing your opponent to get the win.
— borntorun

Law of Resuscitation
When a face wrestler is placed in a submission move that leads to a temporary loss of consciousness, one only has to raise and drop the hand of said face wrestler two times to revive him. The third instance of extension and release of the hand of the aforementioned face wrestler sucks all energy from the heel wrestler — thus injecting it into the face wrestler — resulting in the hulking up of said face wrestler. This inevitably turns the tide of the match to the utter dismay of the heel wrestler, rendering him defenseless for several minutes.
— doublee

Wrestling's Confounding of Newton's Third Law of Motion
Newton's Third Law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This is simply not true. A thunderous right hand or a shoulderblock from a much bigger wrestler, coming at an incredible rate of speed, will often solicit no reaction from the second force. Sometimes it will actually make the recipient of the force stronger.

To bring the physical element to the sociological and biological realms, not every action by a wrestler brings about an equal and opposite reaction from the crowd. Some wrestlers can move just an eyebrow, using 1/100,000 of a Calorie, while the reaction to the slight physical movement is the repeated chants of millions (yes, millions) of fans chanting a name. Equal my candy ass!
— borntorun

The Law of Human Bone Density
The human skeleton has an infinitesimal density compared to any other object in the known world. This results in more damage being done to the victim, whether the object is a steel step or a rutabaga
— Endo

Corollary:
Unless the bone is the skull of a Samoan (or someone pretending to be one). The only exceptions to this corollary are Samoans who are pretending to be Japanese and Rocky Johnson.
— Stormtrooper

The "Hardcore Match" Principle of Force Minimalization
In said matches, wrestlers rise to near immortality by hitting one another with steel chairs, kendo sticks, 2x4s and the like. They are able to kick out before a 3 count consistently; whereas in regular matches, these objects would render a wrestler unconscious, with the opponent getting the clear victory.
— microplay_24

The Black Ninja Style of Gang Attack
The Black Ninja law states that when multiple babyface jobbers find themselves in the ring facing a single monster heel (i.e. Kane, Big Show), the faces must attack Black Ninja Style — meaning they attack one at a time so that the monster heel has the advantage when fighting off each individual attack. Eventually the faces all end up in a pile on top of the heel, but he has already proven that he can beat them all one-on-one. Thus he has no problem pushing the pack of faces away. At this point, the Black Ninja Attack starts again, because for some reason babyface jobbers do not have the mental capacity to employ any kind of teamwork.
— BoerboelLVR

Law of Perpetual Elastic Energy Transference
Much like Newton's First Law of Motion, wherein it is stated: "Every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it," any wrestler running toward ring ropes and connecting with them at a set speed will have that energy, on impact, reflected back equally. This force will carry said wrestler back across the ring at a perpendicular vector, relative to the position of the ring ropes. This force is constant and will carry the wrestler into the set of ring ropes parallel to the original unless said wrestler willingly changes his movement vector (stopping or dropping to the mat) or is acted upon by an outside force (being clubbed by another wrestler). If no outside force interrupts the wrestler's motion, he will continue into the ring ropes parallel from the previous set, and all energy will be reflected back equally. This system is perpetual, overcomes all frictional resistance by the mat and air, and will continue as long as no outside force is applied.
— angstboy

The Post-Modernist Student Theory of Fucking Nearly All the Comedy out of a Joke; or, "Something About Chinlocks"
Despite years of experience in these situations, the face will never immediately break the hold by the only proven method: delivering three solid elbow shots to the heel's midsection. No, he will invariably flail his arms (and occasionally legs) about frantically in a highly specialized form of interpretive dance (Ring/Agony/Oxygen: Wrestler-Wrestler #29), hoping by his performance to establish an empathic bond with the fans, who will then, with boos and catcalls, transfer the same empathic bond to the heel, who will realize that by exerting himself to cut off the oxygen supply to the face's brain, he is actually participating in a larger scheme of Foucauldian power relations, maintaining the hegemony of the ruling class by attempting to fix his fellow wrestler in the subject-positions of "victim," "subaltern" and "helpless fuck caught in my atrociously boring resthold."

Confronted with the reality of his situation, the heel will in the ideal scenario break the hold of his own volition, at which point face and heel will cease to wrestle each other, and instead begin a non-competitive, non-oppressive, mutually empowering performance for the fans — a five-minute post-structuralist dance piece largely consisting of endless Irish whips, leapfrogs and impossibly weak-looking missed clotheslines.

Caveat: This tactic will never work. Never. But like Charlie Brown kicking the football, no face can resist trying it at least once while in a resthold. Only after the face is forced to his knees by the lack of oxygen, and only after he is rendered almost immobile by the strength of the resthold, does the face, like the soldier or the talkshow host, see the impossibility of seeking dignity and respect for human life in a situation whose very rules of engagement are predicated on one human being inflicting as much suffering as possible on another human being. Whereupon he proceeds directly to the three-elbow shot method mentioned above and breaks the hold.

Corollary:
Immediately following the breaking of the hold, the face will attempt a running move against the heel, who will almost invariably respond with a knee to the gut, leaving the face lying prostrated on the mat. If the number of restholds applied by the heel thus far is equal to or less than two, or if the heel's moveset is less than the number just given, he may return to the resthold, retriggering the cycle described above.
— crossface99

The Condition of Fire-Extinguisher-Related Germ Warfare
In which a wrestler is sprayed with the contents of a fire extinguisher and reacts as if hit by a vial of VX Gas or another such biological weapon. As an aside, I will never use a fire extinguisher for this reason. I'll let my home go up in flames before releasing the deadly, deadly spray.
— FusionFistCutter

Borntorun's Detailed Principles of Various Clothesline Phenomena: Here Comes the Pain and the Science
A traditional clothesline is essentially an extended arm meeting the neck of a stationary or fast-moving opponent, where the arm-to-neck impact results in the recipient of the strike hitting the mat and staying grounded for a few seconds. However, despite the lack of variety in clothesline appearances, they inflict differing amounts of damage depending on the situation.

Example 1: Clothesline From Hell
A wrestler simply moves his arm with a force 666x the strength of a traditional clothesline, summoning evil from the fiery pits of Satan's lair and unleashing the sins of humanity in a single-impact maneuver, thus enabling a big angry Texan to get a pinfall from a move that traditionally gets a 2-count.

Example 2: "Hot Tag" Multiple Clotheslines
The longer a babyface wrestler stands on the outside of the ropes while his tag-team partner is unable to reach him and gain a respite, the more potential energy the inactive competitor gains, until it reaches an unstable level. This energy can also be multiplied by a face desperately clapping hands or stomping feet, thus channeling the kinetic energy of the crowd into his awaiting frame. Once the tag is made, the potential energy converts into a nuclear (from which the name "hot tag" is derived) wave of kinetic energy, focused mostly in the biceps of the walking supernova. All opponents in the ring will be hit with tiny explosions emanating from the face's arm, making his traditional clothesline more powerful. It is so powerful that the opponents are imbued with a minor dose of nuclear energy that forces them to get up immediately and receive a second "hot tag" clothesline. A minimum of four clotheslines must be administered before the momentum can be released in a final power move, such as a big boot, a spinebuster, or a finishing maneuver.

Example 3: The Double Clothesline
While the physics of a regular (attacker/victim) clothesline are well documented, the double clothesline is an anomaly of physical science. In this case, two wrestlers will bounce off the ring ropes, and after a series of ducking and jumping to avoid impact maneuvers, each will decide at the same time to go for a clothesline. Upon impact, both grapplers will hit the mat hard, and remain there until the referee counts to nine. The mystery stems from the fact that a traditional clothesline, where all the impact is on the receiver, is less harmful than one where an equal amount of force is delivered and received by both parties. Impact is at least 300% more devastating in a double clothesline.

Scientists around the world have been working on a solution based on the Russian Legsweep Theorem developed in the 1980s. In a Russian Legsweep, both competitors hit the mat at the same time and at the same speed, although only one is injured. Analysts believe that if a bridge can be found between the double clothesline and a Russian legsweep, the face of main-event matches as we know them will be forever changed.
— borntorun

The "Finisher" Law of Nomenclative Power
Any wrestling move must have a special name in order to be considered a finisher. For instance, the Rock Bottom can be delivered in an identical form called the urange, which has a generic name and therefore much less impact. Another example is the Sweet Chin Music, which is derived from the superkick. In the 1992 Royal Rumble, Shawn Michaels is seen delivering what at first glance is the Sweet Chin Music. However, it did not have a special name at the time and was merely a superkick; so it did not have as much impact.
— Endo

The Cardiac Relationship Between Just Results and a Conflict's Import
Whenever a babyface hits his finisher on a heel in a main-event match, it will cause JR to suffer a heart-attack. In the past, the Stone Cold Stunner was especially likely to cause said heart attacks.
— Drago

The Law of Constant Idiocy
Jerry Lawler is a fucking idiot.
— angstboy

The Law of the Camera and Public Record
Nobody involved in wrestling can see anything that is off camera. If Wrestler A is cutting a promo on Wrestler B, and Wrestler B is standing just off camera, Wrestler A will not know he's there until he comes into the shot. Usually by then, it's too late.
— BDP

Corollary:
Because people are in the show, they never watch the show. Thus, they are unfamiliar with the nefarious dealings of those people that appear on camera unless they are confronted with FOOTAGE. Without said FOOTAGE, wrestlers remain wholly unaware of the past weeks' events.
— madiq

The Principle of Inevitable Camera-Related Hypnotism
Trish Stratus has been conditioned by Titan Towers to be totally oblivious to camera crews, sound men, and gaffers. This is why she can take a bath in her own hotel room without noticing the full camera crew that followed her into the bathroom.

Dean Malenko and Lita have received similar therapy, accounting for the fact that Dean was willing to commit adultery on national television, blissfully unaware that an entire audio/visual crew loomed menacingly at the foot of the bed.

It is also possible that Vince has discovered the secret of Invisibility, and has rendered all his technical crews transparent to the human eye.
— OO Kyle

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue-Style Theory of Sudden Forgetfulness and Incompetence
If any attractive women shows her boobs or butt to a heel who is in the midst of defeating a face, the heel will immediately forget he is in a match, and the face can then take advantage with a rollup or finisher once the heel's brain reminds him to turn around.
— benoitbrokemyneck

The Law of Universal Limousine Reaction
This law states that every commentator for any wrestling show will be completely perplexed as to who is inside any limo that pulls into the arena. This law will eventually result in the:

Law of Extreme Surprise at the Limo Occupant's Identity
Where said announcers will be shocked by whomever finally steps out of the limo, no matter how obvious the identity of the occupant may have been during a previous segment.
— FusionFistCutter

The Hero's Hometown Hex Principle
A babyface will almost never win a match in his hometown. The more important the match, the greater the odds against him/her.
— thatwasSting

Corollary #1:
Unless it's a non-televised house show. Then, it's the reverse.
— salmonjunkie

Corollary #2:
Or unless Jacqueline is in her hometown, in which case she appears on TV for the first time in three months and defeats the Women's Champion in a non-title match, then is promptly never heard of again.
— Ed.

Law of Mandatory Conversational Shock
Even though it happens weekly, a wrestler doing a promo in the ring will always show shock and surprise when interrupted.
— TheMadDoctorO

Law of Situational Embarrassment; or, "The Fear of Semi-Nudity Via Another's Actions"
Divas are happy to parade around in their underwear — in the ring and on TV — but are very embarrassed and try to cover up if an item of clothing is pulled off by someone else.
— outback jack

Corollary: The Law of Situational Embarrassment "Push Up"
My girlfriend wanted me to [add this]. Whenever a diva is attempting to cover herself up after being de-clothed, she will always do so in a manner of placing her forearm under her siliconed breasts and pushing up, so as to accentuate her cleavage.
— Eli

The Law of "Turn" Amnesty
If a heel turns face, even if for no other reason than because other heels mistreated him, all past misdeeds are forgiven and he is accepted by the faces who he formerly abused.
— outback jack

The Fundamental Laws of WWE Fashion
1. In ring (for men), the look is shirtless with trunks. Backstage, it's a t-shirt with no pants.
2. For divas, the appearance of a thong will often telegraph a face turn.
3. Bright colors = heel.
4. "Evolution" and "Metrosexual" mean the same thing.
5. Any face character wearing a never-seen-before accessory — e.g. a hat — will have that accessory damaged or stolen by a heel, thereby starting a meaningful feud. [Or a grossly meaningless one — Ed.]
6. Any wrestler seen backstage wearing a t-shirt that advertises an upcoming PPV is not actually performing at that PPV.
— Lorraine

Mandatory Steel Chair Etiquette
1. Any wrestler who attempts to wield a steel chair as a weapon against his/her opponent must first fold the chair and align the blow so that the flat side of the chair makes contact with the opponent. It doesn't matter if using the chair in any other way would produce more damage.

2. Any wrestler who uses said weapon must also hold the chair by the legs, despite the fact that the weapon is easier to swing if one holds it by the back.
— TarheelMike

Addendum to the Etiquette List:
If his opponent's back is turned, the wrestler wielding the steel chair must also smack it loudly against some other object to alert the opponent to the pending strike.
— Lorraine

The Alchemical Relation Between Striped Shirts and Kryptonite
If a referee is hit by a wrestler with any type of move, accidental or not, that referee will be incapacitated for an inordinate amount of time.

Corollary:
This law also holds true even if the referee is a wrestler in a guest capacity, despite the fact that if said wrestler was not the assigned official for the match, said wrestler would not be incapacitated for any length of time. (See: Flair, Ric — Backlash 2002; also Michaels, Shawn — Judgment Day 2000.)
— TarheelMike

The Law of Optical Perspective
The overall "believability" of a typical wrestling match is inversely proportional to the distance from which the viewer sees the action.
— AnglesGoldMedals

The Law of the Gimmick Move
No matter how lame or ineffectual a gimmick move appears to be, it will always render an opponent, at the very least, stunned and immobile for a short period of time. (See Stink Face, The Worm, the Socko Mandible Claw, and The Pit Stop as prime examples.)
— doublee

The Dudley Boy Signature Match Curse
No tag team shall ever win their "signature" match. For example, if the Dudleys are involved in an actual table match (instead of just illegally using tables in a normal match), they will automatically lose. If the Hardys enter a Ladder Match, they will lose.

The Rock "Guaran-damn-tee" Spoiler Effect
If the Rock "Guaran-damn-tees" to win a match in a pre-match promo, he will win the match. There has never been an exception to this rule.

The Rock Rule of Inverse Invincibility
The chances of the Rock winning rise geometrically with the number of opponents he faces. For example:
• Rock v. Big Show: 50% chance of a Rock win.
• Rock v. Big Show and HHH: 70% chance of a Rock win.
• Rock v. Big Show, HHH and Steve Austin in a handicap match: 100% chance of a Rock win.
— OO Kyle (rules #2 and #3 submitted by his daughter; see, everyone notices this stuff)

The Repellent Yet Non-Repelling Boss Magnetism Principle
Within around six months of a hot-looking diva arriving in the WWE, it is most probable that her storylines will dictate that she fall helplessly head-over-heels in love with the 58-year-old Chairman of the Board, regardless of whether it fits her character/storyline.

Corollary #1: The Principle of Playboy
Within around three years of a hot-looking diva arriving in the WWE, she will have appeared with much fanfare as a centerfold in the March issue of Playboy. As a sub-condition of this rule, her photo spread will be treated to a massive amount of airbrushing in an attempt to disguise the fact that she is no longer quite so hot-looking and is therefore about two years past the time when most fans would have liked to have seen her "nudie bits."

Corollary #2: The Principle of "Creative Differences"
Within around six years of a once hot-looking diva arriving in the WWE, she will have left the company due to "creative differences," which in lay terms can be best defined as being unhappy with the royalties from her last Playboy spread — or the diva feeling that she is too famous for her current pay structure in the WWE.
— AnglesGoldMedals

Law of the Repeated Pinning Pointlessness
If a pinfall is broken by the pin-ee, the pinner repinning him will never work. Ever.

Law of Inevitable "Return" Adulation
If a WWE Superstar has been out longer than three months, they will return as a face. Even WWE rule-breaker Triple H followed this one when he came back from his quad injury.
— ConcreteTG

Extensive Laws Governing Double Standards
No matter what a heel does, it's terrible, evil, dastardly, cowardly and despicable. No matter what a face does, it's heroic, brave, courageous, righteous, just, or something the other guy had coming. (Example, if Eddy Guerrero makes the ref think an opponent hit him with a chair — when the converse is actually true — thus causing a DQ, he is hailed and cheered as ingenious. But if in a tables match, Batista puts a Dudley through a table to get the win, he's out of control and needs to be stopped.)

Corollaries:
1. Upon a face turn, the exact same behavior drawing the announcers' wrath as a heel will now be cheered on with great delight. (See: Dudleys putting women through tables; Austin, random stunner to anyone he feels like stunnering, etc.)

2. Upon a heel turn, the exact same behavior delighting the announcers to a disturbing degree will now be decried as dastardly and or shameful. (See: any tag team using double-team tactics; any use of a foreign object, etc.)

The Diva Exemption Clause:
Divas are exempt from this law when showing skin, which is always approved of regardless of heel/face status, provided they are not ugly like Jazz or ancient like Mae Young. Other, non-sexy actions, however, are still subject to the double-standard law.
— The Bad Guy

The Shawn Michaels "First Ever" Rule
If HBK is in a match that is being held for the FIRST TIME IN WWE, he wins. No exceptions.
— ConcreteTG

The "Permanent Swelling" Rule
Within six months of any diva entering the WWE, she will miss at least a few weeks of action and return with the Shaniqua "Permanent Case of Swelling" in the chest area.
— Attitude Adjuster

The Principle of Enduring Referee Mental Dissonance; or, "Hebner, Hebner, Quite Contrary — Even If It Doesn't Rhyme. Shut Up."
In any tag match, the referee will always acknowledge that a tag has been made between the heel team members, despite not having seen it; whereas any tag between the members of the face team that is not clearly seen by the official must be prevented — resulting in the ref using his body to prevent the fresh man from coming into contact with the heel team, where necessary.

Contrary DQ Corollaries:
1. Officials will continually remind wrestlers against use of a closed fist, but will never disqualify anyone for disobeying these instructions.
2. Officials will warn wrestlers of the closed fist, even when a match is clearly stipulated as "No-DQ."
3. Officials will refuse to disqualify any heel who is trying to get disqualified when his title is on the line, ensuring that every main event effectively becomes "No-DQ."
— batsnumbereleven

An Assortment of Excellent and Valid Rules That It's Best You Heed
1. Heels fear snakes.
2. A successful submission move, when turned upside down, reverses the flow of pain, thus illustrating the importance of gravity to moves such as the Figure-Four Leglock.
3. If delivered with the intent of following with a finishing move, a blow to the stomach from either Booker T or Billy Gunn will render the recipient bent and immobile. It is possible for said blow to fail in its effect, opening the deliverer up for a surprise sidewalk slam.
4. Only faces get to finish their beer.
5. A punch to the chin of Shawn Michaels invariably results in a loogie being propelled to the rafters.
6. Stunners delivered during a match result in immobile recipients. Stunners delivered during a promo have a much greater propensity for resulting in fish-flopping recipients. [Fish-flopping occurs irrespective of circumstance or location, so long as the recipient of the stunner is the Rock — Ed.]
— ConspiracyVictim

The RVD Rule of Hurting Yourself by Hurting Another
Only Rob Van Dam can be hurt while successfully delivering an offensive move to an opponent.
— AriestheRam

Corollary of Unexpected Pain:
While RVD's finisher nearly cripples him every time he uses it, often his dreamy off-target kicks result in his opponent's nose or lower lip breaking.
— Ed.

WWE Police Procedure Rule #1:
If a wrestler is arrested and escorted from the building in handcuffs, the chances of that same wrestler magically escaping custody and staging a run-in during the Main Event are 100%.
— OO Kyle

This Random Time Period's Stats:
My New/Recurring Heroes: Lorraine, SpinningToeHold, Borntorun, Angstboy, LuckyLopez, Markout, 2HoT, OO Kyle. Also: anyone who stops to say to him- or herself, "This post is neither funny or original or insightful; do I need to post it? Naaaah. I'll think of something better later." To all of you who have done so, God bless you.
Most Encouraging News: I've gone twenty days without putting something in my backyard fire pit, covering it with gasoline, setting it ablaze and then dancing around while listening to Elvis Costello and smirking terribly.
Winners of the Bigfatgoalie Award for Terminally Tweaked Smarks: Promoter2003, Stormtrooper.
Posters Still MIA and Sorely Missed: Milky, Icon, probably some others.
Two Words: Erin. Television.
The "Please Post More Dolphin Pics BTW What Does 'Intimate' Mean?" Award Winner Emeritus: Borntorun.
The "Damn Snappy and Promising Recap Award" Winner: LoreyMysterio.
The "Notice How Clever I Am Award" Winner: Slade. Don't worry, kitten, I noticed. And your mom says you're handsome.
Discouraging News: Smarkies promised. Smarkies undelivered. Yeah, you read that right, you slack bitch.
Unsurprising News: Pistol Pez goes so far into Asinine Whack-Job Land that you don't even need to modify "Asinine Whack-Job" with the word "Religious" anymore.
Someone Who Is Most in Need of a Concerned Citizen Depressing His Tongue While He Suffers Some Deranged Righteous Seizure: Pistol Pez.
Something to Consider Next Time You Wonder Why CtB Doesn't Come Out More Often: Writing your own goddamned column. That's what the "Email Jeb" link is for! Use it! Send one in!
Hope You're Safe, or as Reasonably as Can Be Expected: ArmyofOne.
Things That Are Unfairly Tasty: Cigarettes. Damn it all.
A Final Plea: Consider whether "so-and-so's being held down" is really an argument you can make without deserving a good cock punch.

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RAW RECAP: Bret's Back... for Now...

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2010

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sacrificial Dad

RAW SATIRE: Down Goes Cena~!

RAW RECAP: Bunches and Couples

OOTRR: WWE Vengeance 2004 Re-Revued

SMACKDOWN RECAP: It Ain't Easy Bein' Drew

RAW SATIRE: Alien Visitations

RAW RECAP: Red Herrings Everywhere!

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Cody's Main Event Dash

RAW SATIRE: USA~! USA~! USA~!

RAW RECAP: The Invisi-Viper?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: I Cannot Tell a Lie...

RAW SATIRE: Vinnie's Angles

RAW RECAP: Artifical Intelligence

PPV RECAP: WWE Fatal Fourway 2010

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Kane Protesteth Too Much

RAW SATIRE: Conspicuous by Their Absences

RAW RECAP: Twisted Justice

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Angry Red Machine

RAW SATIRE: Needs More Beverly Brothers!

RAW RECAP: The nxtWo is Taking Over?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Mourning the VegeTaker

RAW SATIRE: Rumer Mongering

RAW RECAP: The Bourne Elevation

SMACKDOWN RECAP: He's Baaaa-aaack

RAW SATIRE: It Stinks~!

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2010

RAW RECAP: Bye Bye, Batista

RAW SATIRE: USA! USA! USA!

RAW RECAP: A Country for Old Men

RAW SATIRE: All Singing, All Dancing

IMPACT RECAP: WWE Castoffs = TNA Gold

NEWSFLASH: McIntyre "Fired," IC Title Vacant

RAW SATIRE: This is EXHAUSTING...

IMPACT RECAP: Who's the Good Guy, Again?

NEWSFLASH: TNA Blinks, The Monday War is Over

RAW RECAP: When Mute Meets Fast Forward

SMACKDOWN RECAP: It's a Big Show

RAW SATIRE: The Virgil Search Begins

OO SPECIAL: 2010 WWE Draft Summary Chart

OO SPECIAL: Monday Coverage/7 WWE Firings

RAW RECAP: The Lop-Sided 2010 Draft

TNA RECAP: Naitch at it Again

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2010

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Losingest Champion

RAW SATIRE: Volcano Worship

TNA RECAP: Celebrating 4/19 with RVD

RAW RECAP: Monday Night SmackDown

WAR 2.0: Ratings Review, Monday Preview

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Free-Per-View, Baby!

NEWSFLASH: SmackDown Moves to SyFy

RAW SATIRE: A Plague of Daves

RAW RECAP: Irrelevance Rewards Mediocrity

IMPACT RECAP: Going Home in Style

WAR 2.0: Ratings Review, Monday Preview (4/12)

OOTRR: Great American Bash 2004 Re-Revued

OO RETRO: Behind the Bash

OO: What I'll Remember About Chris Benoit

NEWS CENTRAL: All Updates About Benoit Tragedy