OO Column: Crashing the Boards (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

CRASHING THE BOARDS: SPOTLIGHT EDITION
Newsbreak:
Over a Dozen WWE Superstars Quit!
April 1, 2004

by Cory "borntorun" Harris
As seen in the OnlineOnslaught.com Forums

Wrestling fans have been in an uproar over the last few weeks about the departure of Brock Lesnar. "The Next Big Thing," as we all know, has left the WWE's world of high-pressure, crowd expectations, spandex and getting slammed into the mat night in and night out in mock combat for the National Football League — where he can look forward to facing even more scrutiny, wearing spandex down the entire lower half of his body, and getting hit by people who are actually trying to hurt him.

Regardless of whether this is a smart move by Lesnar, his exodus has opened the floodgates for other superstars to throw backstage "pink slip on a pole" matches and leave the wrestling world behind them. Some are leaving because of their character direction, a few just want to follow their dreams, and a handful are simply looking for new challenges. Whatever the case, the WWE landscape is about to become much more barren.

It all started the night after WrestleMania XX, when Brock Lesnar said goodbye to the boys in the back. After a less-than-tearful farewell, he grabbed his gear and left Madison Square Garden, not knowing what effect his resignation would have on his fellow wrestlers. Within days, over a dozen staff members, grapplers and personalities alike would line up outside of Vince McMahon's office and, for lack of a better term, "tap out" to the daily grind of professional wrestling.

• Spike Dudley, left off the WrestleMania card yet again and subsequently sent to Smackdown, was the first to storm up to Mr. McMahon's desk. He slammed down a letter of resignation, stared Vince in his cold, dark, eyes, and said that he was quitting. When asked why, Spike said, "All I'm used for anymore is putting other wrestlers over by getting tossed around like a rag doll and thrown on my head. I'm tired of it, so I've decided to quit this wrestling nonsense and apply to the Johns Hopkins Hospital, in their Department of Dermatology. I feel that my talents will be more useful there, and one day I plan on being a skin doctor. That way, instead of taking sick bumps and being thrown through tables every night, I'll be able to gently sit patients down on my unbreakable stainless steel table and look at their sick bumps." Currently, Spike is working in the children's ward of the hospital, getting powerbombed onto bedpans by recovering leukemia patients. Thanks to his selflessness, morale at the hospital is at an all-time high. Spike's spirits, however, have finally hit rock bottom, even though he always wins "hair vs. hair" matches.

• RAW Superstar Rico Constantine, no longer embracing his current role as Gay Guy Wearing Glitter, has quit the business to go back to his athletic roots. A former American Gladiators champion, Rico attempted to give the Eliminator another shot, until he found out that the show has been canceled for almost a decade. He is now debating between being the personal trainer for former Gladiator hosts Mike Ademle and Larry Czonka, or getting hit in the junk repeatedly on Spike TV's Most Extreme Elimination Challenge.

• The first big name to hang up his boots was none other than the legendary Ric Flair, who quit on the spot after Vince would not let him run with a final championship reign. Flair decided to move to Anaheim, California, and ran a scam tricking fellow senior citizens into thinking that they were going with him to Disneyland. Unfortunately for Flair, overweight nursing home attendants finally figured out what the taunt, "I'm going to take your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain, fatboy!" really meant, and called the police. Flair, currently in hiding, is rumored to have moved operations to Sandusky, Ohio, running his con out of Cedar Point. However, screaming, "I took your old lady for a ride on the Disaster Transport! WHOOOOOOOOO!" hasn't had the same effect.

• Matt Hardy, recently signing with AOL/Time Warner, tried to repackage himself as "Version 2.0." Within days, he sent out 290 million demo CDs to every household and business in America, causing his former MFers to lose all interest in his character. The CDs are currently being used as coasters in college dorms across the country, with the shiny side jokingly labeled, "Matt Fact: in an ironic Twist of Fate, Matt's brother now makes more money than Matt."

• After years of messing up wrestler names, Lillian Garcia quit her high-profile gig as RAW ring announcer and attempted to enroll in an English as a Second Language (ESL) class at the University of New Mexico. Not surprisingly, she was denied admittance because her application featured multiple misspellings, and she also entered "Kevin Test" as her high school GPA. She was last seen working at a deli in Albuquerque, where she can often be heard saying, "From Madison, Wisconsin, weighing in at 1.5 pounds, thinly-sliced provolone cheese! Thank you, ma'am. Now serving number R!"

• A-Train quit, but nobody cared. Or noticed.

• The most surprising resignation came from the RAW announce team of Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler, who decided that their hearts belonged to the businesses of cooking and nakedness, respectfully. Together, they have opened the area's first topless smokehouse restaurant in Memphis, Tennessee dubbed, "J.R.'s House of Barbeque and Jezebels." Ross's press release says, "I've always loved Barbeque, and The King has influenced me into loving nekkid women too! Here at J.R.'s, you can dine on the finest chicken while looking at the biggest breasts! Don't forget to try our 'Boomer Sooner' special, which includes a hoss-sized portion of babyback ribs, French fries, and Texas Toast, all served in a souvenir black 200x Resistol hat by one of our shirtless Jezebels. Bah Gawd, look at the nudity! This place gives a whole new meaning to the term, 'slobberknocker!' " Lawler, who has his own private booth at the Beale Street location, was unavailable for comment after discovering BBQ sauce makes an excellent lubricant.

• Using his recent time off television to his advantage, Scott Steiner has taken a leave of absence to open a furniture store in Michigan. With the catchy slogan "Big Poppa Pump is your upholstery hookup: holla, if you like low, low prices," sales of his trademarked "Steiner Recliner" were on the rise until customers started complaining of "too many peaks" in the cushions. In an attempt to boost sales, he hired his tag-team partner Test as a sales representative, a move that backfired when Test couldn't resist giving a big boot to every woman entering the store.

• Chuck Palumbo has retired to focus on a writing career. His first novel, an admirable freshman effort featuring a combination of all his past gimmicks, is a coming-of-age biomythography about a gay Italian from the Amazon rainforest who becomes a wrestler. Former tag-team partner Sean O'Haire wrote the back-cover blurb, which consisted only of the cryptic sentence, "Chuck isn't telling you anything you don't already know." Because of that, only Johnny Stamboli has bought a copy of the book, which is funny because he doesn't know how to read.

• Bradshaw, a finance expert who has written a book and contributes to MSNBC, has decided to forego both his stagnant wrestling and promising analyst careers to become the next big fashion designer. The new Bradshaw brand will be geared toward young, depressed wrestling fans from the South who only wear various shades of black and red. Look for macabre items such as spiked armbands, tattered T-Shirts, pre-burned jeans, and more at the worldwide premiere of The Clothes Line from Hell from Tyler, Texas, on October 31st, 2004.

• The Undertaker attempted to take Bradshaw's place on Wall Street as an independent stock market advisor. However, he was quickly fired because he would never sell, and would often hold up-and-coming IPO's down. His clients also didn't like his frequent multi-month vacations.

• In the most high profile of the WWE departures, Shawn Michaels has written and will star in an off-Broadway musical, bringing along several fellow superstars for the nationwide tour. The three-and-a-half hour show features various stories from the Bible told through singing, dancing, and wrestling. Highlights include the story of Kane and Mabel, Joshua (Mathews, play-by-play announcer on Velocity) leading his people to the fall of Chris Jericho, and Rikishi as a hip-hop whale who devours a repentant Jonah from Tough Enough III. Among HBK's roles are David, who slays Goliath Gonzalez, and Jacob, who loses a ladder match to God. While a commercial hit, the show has been blasted by critics who see the Heartbreak Kid's portrayal of Christ as blasphemous. "While we can appreciate Mr. Michaels' attempt to bring the Bible to a new generation," remarked one conservative critic, "Jesus peacefully rose on the third day; he didn't kip-up out of the Shroud of Turin." The show has also been labeled as anti-Semitic, as Michaels' Christ repeatedly superkicks Goldberg and Paul Heyman throughout the performance.

As one can see, most of the wrestlers have failed in their new ventures, and will likely look to come back to the WWE or perhaps NWA-TNA and once again earn their living in the squared circle. Despite the abundant failures, however, the mainstream success of The Rock, Jesse Ventura, and perhaps even Brock Lesnar will always leave the door wide open for others to shoot for something beyond this male soap opera.

And don't forget this fall's WWE Apprentice, starring Vince McMahon. It's a 12-week program, where Vinnie Mac tries to select a successor from a pool of eager employees. At the end, he fires them all and picks Triple H anyway. Now that's Smarky Reality TV.

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