by Johnny Diavalo
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Fuckin' losers.

So I was watching Raw Monday, and they did a thing with Booker T playing Bingo.  Got me wonderin' if somebody wrote that as a rib on Paul Heyman.  Or maybe Heyman wrote it in himself, seeing as how he is the king of bingo hall wrestling.

Nothin' quite like taking advantage of old, used-up, bingo-playing hags when you need laughs!

Speakin' of bingo halls, it looks like that's where Eddie Guerrero is headed back to.  He's doin' some fuckin' pissant indie thing in February.  First, drunk driving ain't that big a deal, and Eddie shouldn'ta been fired.  Second, I think Eddie good enough to at least work for that thing Hogan's doin' in Florida or the all star tour that was just over in England.  Eddie was good enough to escape the bingo halls 5 years ago, and he shouldn't have to go back.

What the fuck is the deal with Edge?  He's like a walking billboard or somethin'.  Between the ad for Rob Zombie that plays every time he goes to the ring and the Lugz t-shirt he wore this week, you'd figure somebody actually gave a flying fuck that Edge is endorsing a product.  

Why don't the real superstars ever get used to advertise for the sponsors?  Y'know, like how Undertaker doesn't have to have Limp Bizkit pop up on the screen every time he goes to the ring?  And Steve Austin wouldn't get caught dead shillin' Lugz.  Someone might actually give a damn about what those guys like.

So Rob Van Dam can beat Chris Jericho, but Big Show can't?  What's the fuckin' message here?  I think Big Show's got 7 years left on his membership to the Jabroni Club.  Serves the slow, fat piece of shit right.

Speakin' of tubby, worthless sacks of crap, who the fuck's idea was it to bring back the Big Bossman?  Yeah, that's just what we were all waitin' for.

Did RVD or did Flair do the Figure Four wrong on Monday?  They did it as mirror images of each other instead of both the same way.  I think Flair did it reversed.  Is the old bastard goin' senile already?

Hey, I don't give two shits about the Hardy Boys and their troubles.  Just keep jumpin' off ladders and make sure Lita's thong is in full view, and you can stay on TV.  Otherwise, quit trying to act like you're ever gonna be in the main event with the so-called [mocking voice] acting.

"Was the bitch worth it?"  The new Undertaker fuckin' rules.  Which reminds me:

OK, so the broads can't wrestle for shit.  I know that.  But what the hell was going on on SmackDown!  Not even one piece of ass for the whole 2 hours.  They don't need to be everywhere, but c'mon.  After 2 hours of seeing nothin' but sweaty men rolling around with each other, I even started wonderin' about myself.

Triple H on January 7.  That should be good.  Mostly it'll be good because the WWF will have to ditch another shitty-ass video.  U2 can blow me.

I'm outta here.

E-MAIL JOHNNY D.
BROWSE THE DEVIL'S DUE ARCHIVES

Chicago-area club owner Johnny Diavalo counts pro wrestling among his vices.  Periodically, he'll ramble into a tape recorder when he's struck by a few presumably clever things to say about the sport.  Thanks to his personal assistant, Miss Mancini, for transcribing those thoughts roughly once a week.

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