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Next Week...  Scattergories! 

January 7, 2003

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week on RAW:  Or two weeks ago.  Yeah…I know.  I missed the Christmas Episode…Sorry.  I’ll get back to you on that one.  Nobody watched it anyway.  Right?  And I refuse to do the best of 2002 one.  That’d ruin my gimmick of pretending the RAW Rewinds are actually happening.  Anyway.  On with the show!

Bubba Ray and Reverend D-Von Dudley v. Eric Bischoff and The Chief

Alright!  I haven’t seen Eric In action since he wrestled Leno!  Bwahahaha…Oh…Wait.  Crap.   They’re just out there to talk.  Blah blah blah.  Handicapped match.  Oh, Boo Hoo.  Where’s Spike? (Answer:  Jobbing to HHH)

Bubba Ray and Reverend D-Von Dudley v. Three Minute Warning (with Rico)

BWAHAHAHA!  Which is pretty much the Dudley’z reaction too.  What a bunch of Jobbers goes entirely without saying, but man, what a bunch of jobbers.  Eric has an idea though.  Throw MORE wrestlers into the match.  He’s a genius he is.

Bubba Ray and Reverend D-Von Dudley v. Three Minute Warning (with Rico), “Dave” Bautista “Davidson” and Ric Flair

Well…Ok.  I’ll admit.  It’s looking a LITTLE less likely that the Dudleyz will win, but I KNOW the Chief can do better than this.

Bubba Ray and Reverend D-Von Dudley v. Three Minute Warning (with Rico), “Dave” Bautista “Davidson”, Ric Flair, Eric Bischoff, The Chief, Greg Lee, the finalists from TV’s American Idol, Dick Clark, The Original Power Rangers (sans the Yellow Ranger R.I.P.) and Three Midgets in Hockey Uniforms

Booyah!  This is a match!  Unfortunately, by the time the introductions are done, the match is over.  *Sigh*  I REALLY wanted to see the midgets wrestle.  Oh well, there’s always NWA-TNA for my thirst for Hot Midget Action~!

By the way, I don’t care what you all say, Dick Clark is the BEST technical wrestler in the world.

(ads…You know, I like Emma Caulfield and everything, but these ads for her new movie are terrible.)

William Regal and Lance Storm are out to heckle our hosts.  That’s not very nice.  Jerry Lawler tells Lance that he isn’t being pushed and Lance runs away in tears.  Regal chases after him.  Oh, Lawler, you so crazy go nuts.

Triple H and Ric Flair check out HHH’s Door.  It’s getting a big push!  HHH isn’t happy however.  He needs more.  That’s why he’s challenging Scott Steiner to a game of hopscotch tonight!  Scott Steiner appears out of nowhere and says “And THAT my friends, is a good segment.” And that my friends, is a good segment.

The Four Horsemen?  Is that like HHH, HHH’s Door, Ric Flair and “Dave” Batista “Davidson”?  Or like Larry, Moe, Curly and Shemp?


Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards) and Molly v. Trish Stratus and Jackie

Before the match, Trish and Lillian engage in some Hot Thespian Action by reading a majority of Hamlet.  My only question:  Where are Stacy and Ivory?  What do you mean I can’t take a women’s division with Stacy in it seriously.  I can too!  Watch…hehehe…Ok, you got me.  I can’t.  Victoria and Molly win.

Terri gets her hair lovingly checked for lice by G-Dizzy while Bteasy rambles about how he wishes he could see more fat Samoans in drag.  Sorry, Booker, Three Minute Warning already wrestled tonight.


Chris Jericho is out to bemoan the lack of wrestling on this show.  Shawn Michaels dances out with the love of Jesus to inform Jericho that if he’s not part of the solution, he’s part of the problem.

They get catty over their hair care tips and both of them enter the Royal Rumble so that they can show each other who really DOES have the most obnoxious tights.  Unfortunately, nobody told them that they’d both end up losing to Brock Lesner, and the point is pretty moot.

As they get ready to square off, Randy Orton makes his triumphant return to RAW!  God bless you, Randy Orton.  He’s not sure what’s going on, he just wanted to come out and prance around like an idiot.  Shawn is pretty upset about that.  Only he may prance.  So he leaps into action.  A brawl breaks out.  Rob Van Dam and Chris Tian try to break it up, but it’s not happening.  You know what this brawl needs?   A Little More Kane!  Kane’s a badass so this brawl stops.

William Regal and Lance Storm v. Booker T. and Goldust
For the WWE World Tag Team Titles

Zzz…Huh?  A Match?  Wow!  Ok.  I’m so unprepared…Uh…Booker does a thing…And a thing.  Lance Storm…with the uh…other thing.  A ref is knocked out.  The Chief takes a break from looking for Carmen to help the Gumshoes out, but Booker kicks him to break that up.  Then after 20 refs, Nick Patrick runs out to muddle things up even more.  But The Chief hits the Rockapella on Patrick, and runs in to award the titles to Regal and Storm, because they hit the least number of referees.  Good for them.  Booker heartily disagrees.  Lance asks The Chief if this means he’s finally getting pushed, The Chief says “Yes” and Lance explodes.  Oops.


Can somebody get us another Lance Storm, please?  Thanks.  Just stick one of the action figures in there.  Nobody’ll notice.

My God!  The impossible is possible!  Sable and Marc Mero have settled their differences with the WWE, taken time off from her busy…”career”…and decided to come on RAW to sell Potatoes.  Best RAW Ever!

Test (w/Stacy Kiebler) v. Chris Nowinski (w/ D-Lo Brown)

What happened to ghetto D-Lo?  He was fun.  This would make a tremendous tag match if you ask me.  But you didn’t.  Test wheels toward the ring when Coach Nash calls and tells him that he won’t be at the Rumble.  Test is so surprised that he jumps out of his chair and beats Nowinski.  Hahaha…No Win Ski.  Oh, Never mind.  D-Lo tries to hump Stacy after the match, but she’s not having it.  Play on, Playa.


Chris Tian tells Jericho that he traded a can of ass cream for a spot in the Royal Rumble.  Jericho is unimpressed, after all, he did the same thing an hour ago.  Randy Orton comes out, but doesn’t get his own graffic.  Damn.

The announcers show shots of a really old Steiner magazine.  On newstands, 6 months ago!  Way to stay on the ball guys!

Triple H and Scott Steiner warm up.  Who has hopped their last scotch?  Find out after these…


HHH brings out Flair.  Steiner brings out Coach.  I guess that’s his Freak.  Where’s Lita?  Probably making terrible calls while Jeff blows spots in the parking lot.  They’re their own entertainment.  Jeff is keeping OMEGA alive, man!

Steiner tells HHH that hopscotch is for boys and that if they want to be real men, they should have a stripping competition.  HHH pulls a bunch of guys out of the crowd to judge it.  Steiner and HHH stare deep into each others eyes and pull off their shirts.

Uh…I turned it off and watched Joe Millionare right at that point.  Needless to say, the guys from the crowd were local Indy Workers and got beat down by Steiner.  Support your local Indy Fed folks, or this is what will happen to them.


Kane and Rob Van Dam (with Shawn Michaels) v. Chrises Jericho and Tian (with Chris Randy Orton)



Ok.  There.  Kane lights Orton on fire and then stomps around the ring for awhile.  This allows Jericho and Tian to get control until Michaels superkicks everyone and dances around.  Then RVD got up and posed, so I guess he and Kane won.  Where’s the Hungry Hungry Hippos, dammit?  Wait, Rosey and Jamal already had a match.

Eric Bischoff is backstage with The Chief, William Regal, and a Lance Storm Action Figure.  Apparently Vince McMahon is on his way to RAW, but he won’t make it until next week.  Eric is freaking out because Vince will hog the show and between Vince and HHH there won’t be time for his wacky hijinks.  Wait…Isn’t Stacy Vince’s secretary?  Or was that Dawn Marie?  Does it matter?  Nah.

Next Week on RAW:  Wackiness ensues as Sid shows up thinking that it’s the reunion show and that he’s invited.  The WWE covers for HHH’s injury by pitting him and Scott Steiner against each other in a true game of wits, Scattergories.  Vince McMahon makes sure that NOBODY gets any screen time by taking an hour to talk about what RAW has meant over the years from an intellectual standpoint and showing clips of DX mooning everyone and looping Jerry Lawler saying “Hymen” over the audio track.

Sounds AWESOME!  See you next week.



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