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Test Weeps Like a Little Girl   

January 21, 2003

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Night:  The Warrant and HHH’s Door had a MOTY candidate while Angle and Benoit did a few suplexes and blew up three minutes into their “match”, while Triple H retained his title due to a stipulation in his contract that says that he can’t lose it.  The Lance Storm Action Figure failed to appear in or win the Rumble, due to the fact that William Regal was knocked out and unable to carry him down to the ring and make noises for him.  Oh, and Steve Austin failed to make an appearance.  Oh, and I’ve been sick since two weeks ago.  Will that affect me…TONIGHT?

Vince McMahon starts things off by telling us that a long time ago, a very great man had a dream, that all men were created equal.  That man of course:  Triple H.  All men are created equally, as mid-carders.

Speaking of, Triple H makes his way to the ring, being accompanied by the WWE HHH Title and Triple Naitch.  His door may have lost last night, but he’s STILL the HHH Champion and there isn’t anything anybody can do about it. 

This of course draws out Scott Stiener who discards his chainmail because HHH isn’t a cruiserweight, and plus it was adding a –1 penalty to his dexterity, and he needs all he can get these days.  Steiner tells HHH that he isn’t here to talk he’s here to wrestle.  Then why talk?

HHH says that he has a note from his doctor, Doctor Professional, that he can’t wrestle tonight, because a problem…with…his…moveset…Steiner isn’t buying this so he challenges HHH to a game of Strip Parcheesi, but Flair interjects and offers a match with “Dave” Bautista “Davidson” as a replacement tonight.  Steiner’s roid rage kicks in and he starts beating the living hell out of the camera crew, while HHH, Flair, the HHH Title, and Batista creep off.


Rob Van Dam v. Jeff Hardy

Jeff is so confused about wrestling another face that he blows a spot.  Then he blows another spot for good measure.  Rob puts him out of his misery by pinning him, but Jeff doesn’t appreciate Rob’s good sportsmanship and slaps his wrist.  Matt is a bad influence!

Chris Tian and Chris Nowinksi are debating the merits of being named “Chris” when Eric Bischoff waltzes by.  The Chrises ask Eric what he thinks about Vince McMahon’s ratings challenge last week, and Eric says that ratings are bound to go up on the way to Wrestlemania, so he isn’t worried.  When they press him to tell them what his big announcement is, he tells them that he’s not really sure yet, but to go look it up on the internet and report back to him.  Hey!


Randy Orton is consoling Scott Steiner by telling him that blowing spots doesn’t necessarily mean the end of his WWE career.  After all.  Look at Jeff Hardy.  Or Rosie and Jamal.  Or Kronik.  Well…Never mind that last one.  Steiner thanks him for the cheering up and then pummels him.  Nothing says ‘bad ass’ like beating up Randy Orton. 

The Chief asks Nick Patrick what he thinks of WWE Referees Undressed (only $19.95 Order now!), and Patrick is kind of depressed that he didn’t get to participate in the “Fantasy” competition.  Reverend D-Von and Bubba Ray Dudley come out to check out the hot referee action, but The Chief won’t lend them his copy.  So with the Dudley’z attempt to get wood thwarted, they start beating up The Chief, until Regal and Lance Storm Action Figure run out and are carried out to break it up.

The Lance Storm Action Figure and William Regal v. Bubba Ray and Reverend D-Von Dudley
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Just as quick as you can say “Crazy Go Nuts”, William Regal unleashes the power of the Lance Storm Action Figure’s “Snap Action Kick!” and sends Bubba and D-Von crashing to the ground in shear agony.  New Champions!  Again.


The Hurricane and Trish Stratus v. Victoria and Stevie Richards

Trish tells Victoria that her thong is showing, and while Victoria tries to pull up her pants, Trish rolls her up.  That wasn’t nice!  Hurricane and Stevie are STILL just thrilled to be on RAW.

Eric is backstage asking Vince’s secretary what the hell his special announcement is supposed to be.  She tells him that she doesn’t know, but that he’d better make something up fast or else.  Eric responds by throwing a dart at Shane McMahon who was behind a fern in the office.


Sean O’Haire tells me there’s no God, but I know better.  I just saw HHH at the beginning of the show.

Eric Bischoff walks out to the ring and tells everyone that while he currently has no clue what his announcement is supposed to be, but he promises that it will be blockbuster.  First, he says that in between the full page Stacy Kiebler pull-out and the article about what kind of shoes Bubba Ray Dudley buys, a writer for RAW Magazine will make up something about Steve Austin.  But not only that!  But he’s going to one up Vince’s efforts last year in trying to destroy RAW, because at No Way Out, he’s going to bring back the one man Vince couldn’t.  Buff Bagwell!  Er…Bret Hart…I mean Steve Austin!  The crowd goes…uh…tepid.

Jim Ross meanwhile is frothing at the mouth and humping the entrance ramp, so I guess he’s pretty psyched up about this.

Three Minute Warning (w/ Rico) v. Booker T. and Goldust

What do you do after a major announcement segment?  Send in the Jobbers!  Booker T and Goldust are too busy complaining about the fact that they’re getting pushed even FURTHER down the card by this nonsense, but Rosie and Jamal are good enough sports about it to job anyway.  Hey!  Rico!


Chris Jericho v. Test (w/ Stacy Kiebler)

Stacy instructs Jericho on the proper uses of ass crème before the match.  This show is entertaining AND informative!  Mid-way through the match, Test remembers he’s supposed to be injured and falls over clutching his quad, causing Jericho to blast Stacy with a chair.  Stacy no-sells, because she’s a bad ass.  However, the doctors come out and wheel her away anyway, while Test mourns that he only has Coach Nash around now to help him.  Test cries.  What a girl.  Come on!  I haven’t seen Test cry this much since Trish told him that Albert was carrying him to watchable matches.  It’s not like Al Wilson died or anything.  Stacy gets up on the ambulance and does a strip tease before it speeds away.  Jericho tells anyone who will listen that he did not just turn face, but the only one who’s listening is Test who is STILL bawling his eyes out.  Dude, get over it.  It’s not like you’re going to lose your heat or anything…oh…wait…Cry for Test.

Flair asks “Dave” Batista “Davidson” if he’s ready for his big match.  Batista says that he’s not and then puts on an apron and bakes some crème puffs.  NOW he’s ready.  Ok.


Teddy Long comes out with D’Lo Brown to tell us that the Royal Rumble is racist against black people.  Booker T and Shelton Benjamin might have something to say about that.  D’Lo is just deeply disturbed at the lack of wrestling on this show.

D’Lo Brown (w/ Teddy Long) v. Tommy Dreamer
In a “Cane The White Boy” Match

Dreamer is not entirely thrilled by when he learns the point and name of this match.  Teddy Long is no Clarence Mason, D’Lo is no The Rock or even Faarooq, and Christopher Nowinski is no The Nation.  D’Lo canes Dreamer as the stipulations note.


Nathan Jones was on the news.  He wasn’t really interesting then either.  I can see it now, though  “G’Day, Test!”  That’ll be fun.  Australian people sure are funny.

“Dave” Batista “Davidson” (w/ Ric Flair) v. Scott Steiner

Oh.  This is gonna be great.  Oh.  Wait.  No it’s not.  Randy Orton runs in to break up the match.  Then Ric Flair jumps in.  Then HHH runs out and pedigrees Steiner.  It’s THE FOUR HORSEMEN!  HHH’s Door is pissed that he got kicked out.  Orton is PISSED that he doesn’t get a graffic anymore.  I’m PISSED that we didn’t get any Scattergories this week.

Next Week:  The Dudley Boyz get their revenge when they switch the Lance Storm Action Figure with a William Regal Action Figure causing a space-time paradox that brings the WWE to it’s knees.  The producers of American Idol decide they need a little more Kane when they have him chokeslam all the contestants every week.  Oh and HHH and Scott Steiner thumb wrestle for the HHH Title!  See you then~!



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