Wrestling News, Analysis and Commentary

News  -/-  Recaps  -/-  Columns  -/-  Features  -/-  Reference  -/-  Archives  -/-  Interact  -/-  Site Info

Donate to Online Onslaught!
     Daily Onslaught
     Obtuse Angle
     RAW Satire
     The Broad

     Inside the Ropes
     OOld Tyme
         Rasslin' Revue
     Title Wave
Crashing the

     Smarky Awards
     Big in Japan
     Guest Columnists
     2 Out of 3 Falls
     Devil's Due
     The Ring
     The Little Things
SK Rants
The Mac Files
     Sq'd Circle Jerk
     RAW vs. SD!:
         Brand Battle
     Cheap Heat 
     Year in Review
     Monday Wars
     Road to WM 

     Title Histories
     Real Names
     PPV Results
     Smart Glossary
     Message Boards
     Live Chat 
     OO History

If you attend a live show, or have any other news for us, just send an e-mail to this address!  We'd also love to hear from you if you've got suggestions or complaints about the site...  let us have it!

Goldberg vs. Rock: Naaah...  but
Austin vs. Maven is ON like DONKEY KONG!  

April 8, 2003

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Before I begin I just wanted to get two things out of the way:

1) I wanted to wish my dad, “Get Well Soon”
2)  I wanted to thank the people who’s apartment I crashed for WrestleMania.  You didn’t know us, but we had pizza, and that’s all that mattered.

On with the show!

Last Week:  Fallout from Wrestlemania occurred as Steve Austin was fired for playing Battleship on Company time.  Tommy Dreamer got HHH to sell for him by dressing up like The Hurricane.  Brutus Beefcake made his return, overshadowing Goldberg, the bagel-eating badass.

(Opening Credits)

Jazz v. Trish Stratus
For the WWE Women’s Title

Who cares?  Not even Jeff Hardy, because he doesn’t come out to watch the object of his affections.  So…yeah.  Trish wins.

Eric Bischoff is backstage with Maven.  Maven says that he’s going to challenge Goldberg.  Eric laughs him off and tells him a story about how Jerry Flynn used to do the same thing, and then whoops, before you knew it he was 500-0.  Maven cries.  The Rock comes in and sings about his crotch.

HEAT on TNN:  No…None of THESE guys will be there.  Though it’d be amusing if they threw together a video package featuring Rico, Spike Dudley and Molly Holly.  Hehehe…that’d be fun.  “The (second…third?) Greatest Action in Sports Entertainment, now on TNN!

RVD is backstage trying to pawn off his title belt.  Kane comes in.

KN:  Rob, man, what are you doing?
RVD:  Kane!  I missed the Mania payoff, dude!  I’m trying to get some cash for my stash.
KN:  Cash for you…hey!  That rhymed.
RVD:  Uh…yeah.  Hey, do you want to buy a title belt?  Another one, I mean?
KN:  Nah man.  Keep it.  Hey, want to go to my house and put dead animals in my basement?
RVD:  Yeah.  Maybe later, dude, maybe later.

Teddy Long…Oh God…Teddy Long is still there?  Ok.  Let me compose myself.  Teddy Long is backstage with Rodney Mack.  He’s with Jazz.

TL:  Hey, listen, market reports say that we aren’t black enough and that’s why we’re not over.
RM:  Yeah.
TL:  So we want you to join our stable.  Instead of us backing the Mack, the Mack will back you.
JZ:  Uh…Huh.  You really think I’m going to hang with you losers?
TL:  Come on, your husband wants you to…
JZ:  Well…ok…
RM:  I what?  No…wait…I…what?
Don’t you want me in yo sorry ass group?
TL:  Maybe when we hit Texas, loser.

The Rock is backstage telling Trish to stop being Willie The Worker, already.  She was ON the WrestleMania Card.  Trish asks Rock what the hell he’s talking about, and he says “His crotch”.  Jeff Hardy shows up in the shot and tries to make out with Trish, but she’s not having any of it.  Then he says that he’s Willie the Worker, as well as a misunderstood poet, and Rock hits him in the face with a chair.


Steve Austin may not be a Pro Wrestler anymore, but he sure can no sell a chairshot.

The Chief v. Rob Van Dam

Bwhahahahaha…Oh wait.  Rob Van Dam is a loser now right?  Oh.  The Chief has got this “Wrestling” thing going for him now.  That’s pretty cool.  I bet he misses Porn.  Lance Storm Duct Taped Together comes out and tries to attack RVD, but Rob ends up getting stuck to a stray piece of tape and unraveling Lance.  Oh no!  RVD is pretty happy with himself, until he gets rolled up and loses to The Chief.  Hahahahaha RVD, you’re a jobber now!

Booker T and Shawn Michaels compare dance steps backstage.  Booker has more rhythm.


Shawn Michaels and Ivory sign autographs for some troops.  “Right now, you’re getting more TV time than I have in months.  *Hugs and Kisses*  Ivory"

Scott Steiner v. Chris Nowinski

Chris Nowinski debuts his new gimmick:  War Protesting Hippie Monger.  Oh, boy!  Where’s Bradshaw.  You KNOW he’s sitting at home itching to get involved in this.  He’ll put this to rest.  Steiner runs out and shoves Nowinski’s Face Mask –1 v. Roid Freaks into Nowinski’s hands and then shoves him off the stage.  Then he says “Holla If You Hear Me”.  Nobody Hollas.  Guess the town is deaf.  No contest.

Goldberg is eating a Cinnamon Bagel with Cream Cheese, backstage.  Oh!  Look at the charisma!  Random Backstage Guys nudge each other.  “Dude!  Stone Cold is back!”  “I thought he got fired!”  “Oh, man!  Look at him eat that bagel!  STUNNER!  AHAHA!”


Sable returns!  When’s Tammy Sytch coming back?  What do you mean “Never”.  Oh.  Really?  Get out.  OH.  Never mind.

J.R. and The King say that they’ve found a video that sums up the career of Goldberg.  Tony Schiavone!  This is a NEW DAY FOR WCW!!  A bunch of clips of Goldberg punching a car and ruining his tendons intermixed with shots of Nitro Girl Spice are shown.  Yeah.  That about sums it up.

Chris Tian is hounding Rock for an autograph.

TR:  What’s this?
CT:  It’s the Tough Enough Season One DVD.  Sign it, “To Chris Tian, you’re the best, sorry you broke my leg.  Love, Maven”
TR:  I’m not Maven.  Check the tats.
CT:  The what?  I’m not going there, man.
TR:  The tats.  TATS.  Tattoos?
CT:  Oh.  Right.  Oh.  The Rock!
TR:  Right.
CT:  Have you seen Maven?

Trish and Jeff Hardy are in the hall making out.  OMG OMG!  Raver Grrrls everywhere are crushed.  Jeff flashes the camera a smile and pulls out an empty bottle that is labeled “Jeff Hardy’z Xtreme Bottle of Spanish Fly.  Please don’t Touch, without asking the master of Imagi-Nation (Jeff Hardy)”.  Jeff, you dog, you.


Jeff Hardy v. The Rock

Jeff is so hyped up on Trish lovin’ that he can barely hold himself together to make it to the ring.  In fact, he falls at the entrance and just kind of rolls down to ringside.  Rock tries to pick him up, but Jeff starts blowing spots all over the place.  Not wanting to get paint all over his cool new tattoo, Rock just no sells and then kicks Jeff.  Rock wins!

Rock isn’t done.  Oh no.  He’s not leaving until he gets at LEAST one more segment in, so he just kinda stands there, while Jeff waddles away.  Wait, Goldberg comes down and it’s Crazy Go Nuts city as Rock bails.  Chris Tian comes in, hoping to get his “100% Alcohol Fueled” T-Shirt signed.  Goldberg spears Chris Tian.  Rock is sad.  Maven/Austin at Backlash!!


Terri asks Rock why he’s impersonating Maven.  Rock is all like, “Check the tats, biatch” and Terri says, “Sure thing, Rocky”.  Uh…Next.

The Dudley Boyz v. Kane

Two out of three bookers agree, this show needs MORE Kane.  Handicap matches NEVER work.  They should have trucked out 3 Minutes for this.  Unless they got fired.  Did they get fired?  Wait…The Dudleyz win?  What the hell?  Did I enter “Bizarro Land”?  The Chief and Lance run out to make sure that nothing resembling a backstage segment after the match occurs.  RVD comes out too.  Stuff occurs.  More stuff will probably occur later in the show.  Maybe.

If you’re good.

Test is threatening to Big Boot Goldust for stealing Stacy last week.  But then Stacy comes in and sees that Test has clipped out all the “Non-article” pages of Playboy and forgives him for having the magazine.  Then Stacy low blows Test and HEEL TURN~! She leaves with Goldust again.  What a pimp.

Austin’s music plays, but in his truck is Eric Bischoff.  Austin’s Truck jobs to Bischoff!  Then to show TRUE heel nature, Bischoff adjusts Austin’s rear view mirror.  Just like Albert!  J.R. says he wants off this crappy show right now and wanders backstage.  Then Jerry Lawler chases after him because JR stole his wallet.

Howler Monkey and The Coach!!!  That’s awesome.

Goldust v. Stevie Richards (w/ Victoria)

Now I’m watching Heat!  Great.  Howler Monkey rules the school on commentary.  Stevie gets control and asks Victoria to give him something to hit Goldust with, and she hands over an RVD Foam Finger.  Goldust no sells the Foam Finger and gets the win.  Even Goldust won’t sell for RVD.

Chris Jericho and Triple H are teasing…tension? 

CJ:  You HELD ME down, man.
HHH:  That was a year ago get over it.
CJ:  No.  You ruined my career.
HHH:  You weren’t ready for it.  You gotta strap a rocket to your back.  Or…something.
Triple Naitch
:  Ok fat boys, I took both your old ladies on a ride on Space Mountain last night, WHOO!
CJ:  The Hell?
HHH:  Just…Let’s not fight, Chris.  For Naitch.
Flair makes puppy dog eyes.
CJ:  That’s just disturbing.
HHH:  Let’s go.  Nash has got to debut his new gimmick.


Two French Guys steal Randy Orton’s gimmick.  News At 11.  Nobody likes them because they’re Freedom.

Chris Jericho and Triple H (w/ Ric Flair) v. Booker T and Shawn Michaels

Shawn Michaels never wrestles!  Especially not on RAW!  This is a special event that will happen only this once and never again.  NOTHING will stop…


Ok.  What was that?  I mean…Come on!  Booker T ignores the poorly timed ad break and pins HHH.  Holy crap.  REWIND…

Come on!  Booker T ignores the poorly timed ad break and pins HHH.  Holy crap.

Wow.  That actually happened.  Well, my conception of the business is ruined forever.  Booker's all like, “Why couldn’t I have done that LAST week?”  Then Jericho and Michaels and Flair wander back in from wherever the hell they were at.  It’s Milling Around in Milwaukee!!  Hurricane runs out…for no…reason…

Then Tommy Dreamer comes out and clears the ring!  He’s a bad ass.  HOLY CRAP!  Coach Nash runs out and powerbombs The Coach for stealing his gimmick.  Howler Monkey screams and runs off into the crowd!  Coach Nash can walk!

He poses and throws out his shoulder.  Ow.

Next Week:  Coach Nash powerbombs another announcer.  Terri?  HHH continues his startling trend of having good matches.  Oh, and Goldberg and Rock settle their differences just in time for Passover. 


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.