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Those Hummers Do 
the Darnedest Things! 

May 13, 2003

by Matt Hocking    
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Last Week: Those Darned Canadians booed all of the faces.  Kevin Nash groped some man boobies.  And the wrestling world was stunned at the debut of StoneMan Still Austinberg.

Backstage before the show:

Triple H:  Uh…hey, Kevin!
Nash:  Grrr…
HHH:  Right…Um…it’s just us here, you can cut the kayfabe.
Nash:  Grrr…Oh.  Right.  Your locker room or mine?
HHH:  Uh…Maybe later.  Hey, can you talk to Austinberg for me?
Nash:  About what?
HHH:  I want you to enter yourself in the battle royal, win it and then drop the I.C. Title to me in the main event.  I’ve checked it with Stephanie, it’s all good.
Nash:  I’ll give it a shot…

(Opening Credits)

Chris Tian is in the ring trapped in a steel cage.  He’s crying and asking people to let him out.  Finally, he just tells everyone that, it’s fine with him that he’s going to stay locked in the ring, because the cage is keeping him from having to job to StoneMan Still Austinberg.  Which of course brings out “The Texas Jackhammer”.  The cage rises at his command.  He grabs the mic.

SB:  What?
CT:  Hey…Steve?
SB:  Still.
CT:  Still.  Uh…About our match…
SB:  Nobody is stopping my streak man. 
CT:  Fine, but can’t you go over Rico again, or something? 
SB:  No way.  I’m an all powerful wrestling deity.  Such jobbers are below me.

Rob Van Dam comes out, no doubt to bemoan the lack of wrestling in this opening segment.  Nope.  He’s here to tell Still that he’s glad to see the I.C. Title back.  Unfortunately, he’s too high to say anything so he giggles about how Austinberg’s name is still “Still” for the rest of the segment.  Hehehehe…hehehehe…Still.  Kane comes out to drag RVD back into the locker room, but he ends up getting a spear.  Stunner for RVD.  Jackhammer for Christian.  Austinberg is the (Stone) Man!!

Eric Bischoff comes out to settle Austinberg down.  Before he eats a Spear, he reminds Austinberg that Linda is watching, so Still stops.  Then, Bischoff says that he’s got great new challengers for RVD and Kane.  The Road Warriors!  I mean Legion of Doom!  Hawk and Animal!

Rob Van Dam and Kane v. Legion of Roads
For the WWE Tag Team Titles

Actually, the L.O.R. look suspiciously like Howard Finkel and Arn Anderson in face paint.  Whatever.  Hawk keeps trying to tell Kane how much he weighs, but he gets choke slammed.  Animal nails the spinebuster on RVD, but RVD feels no pain.  Five Star Frogsplash and it’s over!  Somewhere, Tammy Sytch is making a porno!!

Victoria is talking to Stevie Richards about all the fun times he had in ECW.  Like when he got dumped by Beulah.  And when he got dumped by Raven.  And when he had long hair…Trish Stratus breaks this up.  For no real reason…


Update:  Kevin Nash/HHH has been downgraded from “Slobberknocker” to “Barn Burner” please adjust your predicted buyrate for Judgment Day accordingly.

Triple H is talking to Chris Jericho about the time Kevin Nash tore his quad in this building.  Jericho notes how his career skyrocket after being responsible for tearing HHH’s quad.  Somewhere, Bubba Dudley is sad.

Austinberg takes a limo…and throws it at the building.  He has some unresolved limo issues.  Rikishi drives by in a Hummer.


Theodore Long was in the limo.  He tries to Holla at Austinberg but Austinberg just snarls and chugs a beer.  Rodney Mack tries to enter the I.C. battle Royal, but Still says that he’d rather wheel a sickly Booker T down to the ring than have another white guy in the match.  Teddy Long gets ready to holla some more, but is interrupted by his own music.  That must be distracting.  I’d hate to have my music play when I’m hollaing.

Rodney Mack v. Two White Boys

The two white boys are Spike Dudley and Al Snow.  Thanks for coming out tonight, guys!  Long accidentally calls Rodney “Whitey”.  He blames it on Coach. 


Bischoff is trying to explain to Austinberg how being GM and a wrestler on the same show is bad for business, but Austinberg doesn’t understand.  Bischoff tries once using puppets, but it’s not happening so he wonders off.  He runs into Classy Freddie Blassie. 

EB:  Oh, geez, what is this?  Crossover week?  You don’t even look like Professor X.  You have hair even.
CFB:  I’ll kill you with my psychic powers.
EB:  Yeah right.
CFB:  You hate leather and your favorite food is prunes.
EB:  I wish I could take this jacket off and sell it for prunes.

Then Rico comes over and tries to buy Bischoff’s jacket so that he can use the leather to make a new line of leather socks.  But Bischoff isn’t having it.  I guess Freddie’s mind control only goes so far.

Austinberg is questioning himself as to who drove the Hummer.  Early reports say “nobody cares” is at 54%, with 23% of the vote going to “Lilian Garcia”.  21% Undecided.  2% say that Austinberg is in need of either psychological counseling or a big hug.  Bret Hart wrote in “I’ll get you, Austinberg, if it’s the last thing I do” in the margin in pink crayon.

Bischoff is out…

EB:  Now, ladies and gentlemen, to promote the new movie X-2, here’s Classie Freddie Blassie as Patrick Stewart as Charles Xavier!!  Blassie begins hitting Bischoff with his cane.  This show needs a little more cane.  Three Minute Warning is out to stop the beating, but they all job to Blassie.  Then Austinberg comes out, and says that the he’s resigned the Dudley Boyz.

The Dudley Boyz (w/ Professor Charles Xavier and Still Austinberg) v. Three Minute Warning (w/ Rico and Eric Bischoff)

The Dudleyz come out and Blassie sends out the signal:  “My Dudley Boyz, I need wood.”  However, the Dudleyz forgot their Viagra at Dances With’s house.  Austinberg spears them all.

Christian is drawing a little happy face on a chair.


Chris Tian v. Austinberg

Chris says that the chair he brought out was “The Rock”. The Rock should have told Christian to go out the door of the cage.  As it is, Austinberg wins, bad neck and all.  The streak continues!!

Austinberg is spearing potted plants backstage.  Ric Flair approaches.

RF:  Wooo!  Hey, Steve…Bill…Fat boy.
SB:  What?
RF:  Triple H told Kevin Nash to tell me to tell you that Nash should be in the I.C. Title Battle Royal.
SB:  What?
RF:  Uh…And so should I.  Yeah.  I should be in there too.  Triple H and Nash…and me.
SB:  If you’re next give me a Hell Yeah.
RF:  I took your old lady on a ride on Space Mountain last nigh, fat boy!

The Hurricane flys in:

TH:  We’re getting our catchphrases over?  Whatsupwitdat?

Flair and Hurricane begin to brawl over who gets to share this segment with Still.

Ric Flair v. The Hurricane

Ric Flair takes off his pants to distract me from this match.    It works.  I don’t know what happened.  HHH ends whatever happened with a Pedigree to Hurricane.  HHH…uh…retains.


Scott Steiner, Test, and Goldust Sparks (w/ Stacy Kiebler) v. Christopher Nowinski, and Le Crepes

Goldust’s paint is made from leftover continuity.  Steiner, Test and Goldust all take turns hitting on Stacy.  Test and Goldust argue about that one time when Goldust stole Stacy from him, and both argue with Steiner about the times he grabbed Stacy’s ass.  Nowinski and Le Crepes try to get involved in this match, but the combined suckiness of their Mask –1 against Roid Freaks and their Berets of Eternal Sucking prove to be too much for the fresh faced trio to overcome.  Stacy wins. 

Stevie is trying to explain to Victoria about the time he was actually over when he was in the bWo, but Victoria thinks “Big Stevie Cool” is a stupid name.


Tazz and Michael Cole appear live via satellite to hype Smackdown’s side of the PPV.  Word has it that later tonight, the tag team of Misters Smackdown will debut.  I can’t wait!

Terri is backstage.  Yep.

Chris Jericho claims that he couldn’t have been the one driving the Hummer because he’s not 350 pounds and Samoan.


Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards) v. Trish Stratus (w/ Tommy Dreamer)
In A “Hardcore” Match

Dreamer gets all the babes.  Though you’ve got to wonder how he feels about Jeff Hardy’s sloppy seconds.  Sloppy seconds are EXTREME, I guess.  Alright.  A hardcore match.  THIS is what will get me into the women’s divison.  Wait.  Oh.  A “hardcore” match.  Feh.  **  Perfectly Acceptable Women.

Kevin Nash is backstage praying.  Please don’t let him get injured…TONIGHT.

Eric Bischoff is backstage on his cellphone.  He tries hitting on Linda again, but when he discovers that it’s Linda Miles, he hangs up.


Chris Jericho v. Kevin Nash

Jericho runs around for a while, causing Nash to become dizzy and disoriented.  Jericho seems to have a good advantage, until Pantsless Naitch runs out and Jericho loses his focus.  Triple H uses this opportunity to attack Nash, and Jericho too, just ‘cause.  But Shawn Michaels has seen enough old men with their pants off to be able to run in and make the save.  Nash pins Jericho and HHH and Michaels declares him champion of the day.  Nash gets a gold star!  Nash and Michaels pose with the gold star for a little while before they engage in some manly hugging.  And some not so manly groping.  Nash delicately takes down his straps revealing his heaving chest and…Roll CSI…Hurry up….

Next Week:  Hope you remember your portable fallout shelters, because Judgement Day was sure to cause some Nuclear Waste!  The New Intercontinetal Champion Pat Paterson shows Ric Flair the proper methods for not wearing pants in the ring.  And Week Three of Austinberg’s reign on top starts off with a bang as The Chief is rehired to find the Hummer Driver.

I bet Austinberg drove the Hummer!


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
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PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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